My Parents' divorce is final. 40 Years *poof* Down the drain...

[ScreamingMeemie]

But, it's a good thing. :hi:

...except for the fact that somehow my mother got my father to finance her addictive personality.

Kinda weird to go through at the age of 36. They should have done it when I was 5.

Thanks to those of you who have been my friend on days that really sucked, and being on DU made better. True friends count. Here and in real life. Funny how, even at my "advanced" age, my parents can still make me feel like a pawn.

[Ptah]

1. {{ MrsGrumpy }}

:hi: :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

5. Thank you Ptah.

:hug:

[derby378]

2. Hang in there, MrsG

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

8. Thank you derby...

I'm okay with it, except for the part where they dragged me into it. :hug:

[AirmensMom]

3. Wow, MrsG.

I don't know what to say. I'm glad it's a good thing, though. :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

9. THanks AirmensMom.

I just felt like sharing. A bit of a weight has been lifted but I'm a bit upset with my mom. :hug:

[AirmensMom]

13. I gathered as much.

And I'm sure it's hard to go through at any age. :hug:

[WindRavenX]

4. I'm in a similar situation myself

My parents' 30 year marriage ended this year-- and they should've done it a looooong time ago. Mom said she wanted to wait til we were older...

[ScreamingMeemie]

10. Funny how they don't realize that they should have done it when

we were younger, eh? :hug:

[greatauntoftriplets]

6. That has to be really difficult for you.

:hug:

I don't know what else to say except.... :hug:

And I cannot wait until I get up to your state a week from Friday. I will be waaayyy across from you in Macatawa. But I am pumped about my beach vacation...even though I need to bring a warm jacket, according to the long-term weather forecase.

[ScreamingMeemie]

11. I hope you have a WONDERFUL time!!!

:hug:

[greatauntoftriplets]

Thanks!!!!

I am going to celebrate cousins' 60th wedding anniversary. They summer in Macatawa and spend most of the year in Hawaii. And they have rented a big old 7-bedroom (!!!) house for all the cousins to stay in.

I haven't seen any of these people for 10 or even more years ago, because they are scattered all over the country.

:D

Except the weather looks chilly. I will deal with that. :D

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. How cool!

That should be a great, albeit it chilly, time! :)

[Mike03]

7. My God, that would be so traumatic

I'm roughly your age and my parents have been married for about that long, and I think it would be more traumatic than my own divorce was...and that was very traumatic. I'm so sorry, and I just wish you the best, and I wish the best to your parents. Divorce is so incredibly painful to everyone involved.

[ScreamingMeemie]

15. Yes it has been. It was the right decision for them, but my mother

decided to drag me into it. It was incredibly horrible to be caught in the middle and try to shield my children from it. My father has been relatively good about it...my mother? another story entirely. Thanks.

[Mike03]

21. Hugs to you

I can't even imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I trust your judgment about it, and I just hope you get through totally okay. When my parents used to even joke about divorce (or talk about it seriously) it used to really depress me, so I know that it's no joke when these issues come up. Take care.

[ScreamingMeemie]

26. I used to worry that they would...wonder when they would..

and then it never happened. It's just crazy to deal with it now. Thanks again.

[bridgit]

12. that is sucky, Hon, my folks did break up quite early on, and i rarely...

if ever (it's been over 3yrs) speak with my mom for having estranged me from my daddy for years & years :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

16. That's pretty much the situation here. My mother wanted me to

disown my father. Trying to explain that it didn't involve me was impossible. I think things will be better from now on. At least for my dad. My mother is just an unhappy person. Thanks for listening. :hug:

[haf216]

14. I was 25 when my parents divorced, even though I was an adult and I knew

that they should have done it years before, It was still hard. And the pawn thing is so true. Keep your head up it gets easier.

[ScreamingMeemie]

18. Thanks haf. I appreciate that.

:hug:

[Redstone]

17. I actually moved to a different state in part because I didn't want to

hear /see my parents going through their divorce.

I was only living about 20 miles from them at the time, so it was easy for one or the other to come for a visit and a grievance-sharing session.

Just like in your case, they probably should never have gotten married in the first place.

So I understand.

Redstone

[ScreamingMeemie]

20. If I were honest, I think that's part of the reason I would like to move.

It makes things easier in a way.

Thanks Redstone. :hug:

[qnr]

19. Hmmmm. On the positive side, you don't have to go through childhood

wondering if it was your fault.

I imagine that things are pretty darned strange, and I feel for all of you.

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. Thanks qnr.

I spent my childhood listening to wicked fights, my mother complaining about my father to anyone who would listen...and her screams.

It is a relief. It's a case of two people marrying for all the wrong reasons, without really knowing each other. And Catholic Guilt keeping them together for too long.

[ForrestGump]

22. Wow

:hug:

I think I know how you feel. I was in my early 30s when my parents did the same thing. It was weird to suddenly discover that we were a dysfunctional family...I had no idea.

Kind of amazing when that happens, though, after all those years.

[ScreamingMeemie]

24. It was crazy. The day my mom called and asked where my father

was...As if I would know that. Then she came over to search my face for what she believed I was hiding from her. I was just as stunned as she. That was a year ago...I'll never forget it. I knew he was miserable, but I figured he would die that way.

Just like you it was weird to look back and realize how very messed up things were.

Thanks Forrest. :hug:

[blondeatlast]

27. That's gotta be rough--yet a relief.

I've always got a crying shoulder and a hug.

Warning:I have the boniest shoulders imaginable, so rest your cheek at your own risk!

Know that I'm always on your side, Mrs. G, and take care of yourself.

[ScreamingMeemie]

29. Thank you blondeatlast.

:hug:

I'll think things will be better now. You are a terrific person. :hug:

[Kajsa]

28. Hang in there, Mrs. Grumpy.

Even under the most congenial circumstances, a divorce is the pits.

My parents went through this when I was 11.

I went through it when I was 35.

It's the pits, even when it's for the best.

I'm glad you shared this.

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

30. Thanks so much Kajsa.

It's been the strangest year of my life. :hug: I'm glad I had DU to keep things normal.

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

31. my parents did separate when i was 5,

and finally divorced 10 years later (you don't even want to know)

Here's a hug, a shoulder and an ear if you need it

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

40. Thank you MAHNY...

It's odd, but it's the right thing. They went from a decent "partnership" to misery...to my mom hating my father with all her fiber in the course of 3 decades. I know my dad will be happier, but there is no hope for my mom.

Thanks so much, sweetie. :hug:

[jus_the_facts]

32. I'd wished my parents had divorced my whole childhood....

....first it was Dad's drinkin'....he quit that but still cheated...it all came to a head for me one afternoon when two of the kids across the road came over and asked me to get my Dad to quit ruinin' their family...he'd been screwin' that sorry *ahem* so'n'so...there was only three houses on our road and he just HAD to go fuckin' around with HER...mom had already moved out and my dad had the GALL to accuse ME of rattin' him out to my Mom....I screamed at him in his face...this is ALL YOUR FAULT..don't you DARE try to blame me for any of it...I'd straight up caught him once a few years earlier with another woman and didn't tell my Mom about it...I got a brand spankin' new sports car for graduation and unlimited use of his Texaco card which I abused for MONTHS...but in the end my parents made amends and were happier than they'd ever been their whole lives...then he got cancer....I PRAYED so hard for God to take me instead so they could enjoy their golden years together after goin' through all they had...but alas now he's gone and she's all alone...oh how I miss him. :cry:

I don't recall ever knowin' anyone who was fully functional in all aspects of their lives....dysfunctional is bullshit IMO. :hug: :loveya:

[ScreamingMeemie]

41. Hey...

Good to see you. :hug:

My parents went through a rough (er than usual) spot about 5 years ago. My dad was going to leave, my mother threatened suicide (from a hotel room 400 miles away) and then they seemed like they were happier than normal. Trips, and dinners together... the whole nine yards. Then my mom backslid into the "all men are assholes, I must shop till I drop mode" and it was downhill from there.

I agree with you on the dysfunctional part. We all have our quirks.

Thanks again. :loveya:

[raccoon]

66. Strongly disagree.

"I don't recall ever knowin' anyone who was fully functional in all aspects of their lives....dysfunctional is bullshit IMO. "

No, nobody is fully functional in all aspects of their lives. No family is perfect. It's a continuum. My family was way over on the dysfunctional side of the continuum.

[jus_the_facts]

76. Yeah perspectives....

....s'why I decided not to breed. :)

[raccoon]

82. Same here. nt

[SeattleGirl]

33. Hope you get through this okay, MrsG

A few months after my dad passed away (almost 30 years ago), my mom told me that she had been close to telling him she wanted a divorce. But when he was diagnosed with cancer, stuck by him (which I do admire).

I told my mom I used to wish they would have gotten divorced years before that. My dad was an alcoholic, and while I loved him, and still love him, home life was pretty miserable for all of us. I think it would have been better if they had divorced.

Anway, even at the "ripe old age" that you are, it can still feel a bit strange.
:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

43. Thanks SG.

It is particularly hard for my kids. They are used to Nonny and Poppy. Poppy, the see all the time. Nonny not so much. She has shouted some pretty horrid stuff in front of them, causing me to have to talk with her... which then "drives her off" in her words. This is a situation where I used to (as a child) simultaneously wish they would split up and be afraid they would split up. It's been a crazy life. :loveya:

[idgiehkt]

34. It freaks me out you are younger than me

I don't know why.

My parents almost divorced last year. Over internet flirting. Broke my Mom's heart. She is the salt of the earth, and my Dad is either a perv or a regular guy, depending on who you ask.

[ScreamingMeemie]

44. It freaked a lot of people out. I used to post a semi anual "I am only

30-whatever I was at the year it was posted" thread. I think it is the user name. Many people thought I was a grandma...well, a few did anyway. :hi: :hug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

35. You're probably asleep already

just wanted you to know I saw this. Even though it doesn't mean the end of you being stuck in precarious positions, at least this phase of it is over.

[ScreamingMeemie]

45. Agreed. Although, I wanted my father to fight a bit more. Not in a

"taking sides" manner, but Michigan is a "no fault" state and she is gainfully employed with no minor children. The decree is ridiculous. He will work the rest of his life to keep her "in the manner she is accustomed" which is overpaying for things, buying jewelry, clothing and trips every day of the week. :hi:

[Shine]

36. I think divorce is hard at any age, so my best wishes to you at this time.

but I agree that despite the pain involved, it's ultimately for the best. I'm sorry you're having to go through this now and I hope your parents are able to come to some sort of peaceful resolution with it all.

My parents divorced when I was 6 yrs old. I would not be the same person who I am today had they stayed together, so I think it was ultimately a good thing. Sadly, they STILL do not have a very friendly relationship, 35+ yrs later....mostly due to my Mom's inability to let go of the past. Well, they both have played the roles of Victim and Perpetrator, truthfully. My Dad is not "innocent", either. It's definitely been a karmic dance to bear witness to and I see it as a great opportunity to remain clear on my own personal boundaries and not get sucked into the middle. Easier said, than done, sometimes, believe me! I definitely know what you mean about not wanting to be a "pawn".

Hang in there, Laura. :hug: :loveya:

[ScreamingMeemie]

46. It's horrible to say but my mother, through her mistakes, has taught

me how to be a good mother. I grew up telling myself,"I will never do this, be this, act this way with my kids." I am happy that they have finally done this in a way...both were miserable. For my mom a lot of the anger is about losing face. My father is far from innocent, but he is the man that was both my mother and my father growing up. I hope all is well with you. :hug: :loveya:

[radwriter0555]

37. Girl, my parents divorced in 1979 after 30 years of marriage and my mother

was STILL whining about it 15 years later AFTER she married another guy who she'd been living with for 13 years.

I hope your parents "get over it" and don't play victim on it for the rest of their lives...

They will survive and so will you, big hugs.

[ScreamingMeemie]

47. Thanks radwriter!

My mother has the "victim" role down pat. Telling me how she "can't afford groceries" anymore all the while working at a $55,000/year job. "All men are assholes, bastards, jerks..." For as far back as I can remember she has played a pretty good martyr. It will be better this way...I just wish I didn't have to hear it. And as I stated up thread, my father is far from perfect and many is the time I had/have to remind them both that it just shouldn't involve me. I get mock pissed at my brothers for taking off on me. :D :hug:

[radwriter0555]

56. It's REALLY hard to not to take sides and not to get drawn into the drama.

It sounds like our mothers are kindred spirits.

Mine was always a perma-victim and worked that til my last nerve just wore out.

I didn't realize until my dad died how he truly was the saint for putting up with her for as long as he did, and he never had a bad word to say about her, after all she put him through. Yet, she was the victim, the poor neglected wife who blah blah blah blah blah. Appreciate him now for all he's gone through... retrospect solves nothing if they're dead.

Good luck. Think of it as a new chapter. You can get to know your parents without each other. Although, not a single conversation with your mother will ever take place where she doesn't kvatch about your dad!

Big hugs, big hugs!!!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

38. I'm glad you have such a positive attitude toward it...

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

48. Thanks GoG!

:hug: Long time coming and the only real shock was that it happened this late in the game. :hi:

[huskerlaw]

39. I'm sorry.

Even if it needed to happen, it still hurts...and being an adult doesn't make it any easier. It just changes how you're affected.

My parents have been divorced for over 20 years, I'm an adult, and they can still figure out ways to use me as a pawn. Tis the way it will be until the end, I suspect.

The moral of that story is, don't expect them to quit trying to drag you into it. Put your foot down NOW and let them know that you're not going to put up with it. And then remind them of your position whenever they try to mess with you.

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

49. Crazy, isnt' it.

The worst it got was when my mother asked for my SSN so she could give it to her lawyers who were searching for hidden $$$ of my father's. I had to tell her that she wasn't divorcing me and that I wasn't a minor child. She didn't speak to me for a month telling me that she could see I had chosen sides. She did admit she wanted me to hate my dad. It's pure nuttiness. :hug:

[huskerlaw]

71. It really is

I still get that, 25 years later. And my parents are otherwise sane and caring people.

I don't know what to tell you except not to let either one of them play you against the other, which it sounds like you're already doing.

And don't feel like you shouldn't be grieving or hurt. "child of divorce" syndrome doesn't actually require you to be a child.

:hug:

[Random_Australian]

42. I am sorry to hear that. I am glad that nothing stopped them from raising

a wonderul child.

[ScreamingMeemie]

50. You're too sweet R_A.

:hug:

It's good to see you back again.

[BlueIris]

51. I feel that, Mrs. G. Mine are still together after 33 years of "bliss,"

and it's still a co-dependent hatefest every night of the week. I can't tell you how many times I have wished that my parents had gotten divorced and then gotten therapy before it was as too freaking late for both of them as it is.

[ScreamingMeemie]

53. That's basically how I felt about it my whole growing up years.

:hug:

They think they are doing you a favor by sticking it out, and yet children are very good at picking up the bad vibes. I didn't have the worst childhood in the world, but it would have been a lot better had they split...at least, I think.

Thanks Blue! :hi:

[NashVegas]

74. Neither Is Worse Than The Other

People I speak to whose parents waited until their kids were adults, often say they feel betrayed and lied to. Anyway, I wish you the best in getting through this difficult time.

[datasuspect]

52. wow

my parents did that when i was 28 (back in '98). they were married for 30-something years. it didn't really bother me though. probably would have if i was five.

funny thing, they never separated. they still live together in sin.

[ScreamingMeemie]

54. So, they still live together?

Was that for financial reasons? If you don't mind me asking, that is. It doesn't (the split aspect) bother me because they lived separate lives ( he works nights/she days) and were miserable when they were together. The only thing that bothered me is having to be involved in the least little bit. My mom cannot separate her children from her husband.

Thanks data... :hi:

[datasuspect]

55. i think it is because no one else would put up with them

but they have know each other since they were 12 or 13.

my mother despises my father, but would never leave.

financial reasons play a big part now though.

but what bothers me the most is that i am 36 now and i am from a "broken home."

joking.

i really do hope you are okay about all this.

[Midlodemocrat]

57. Hugs to you, Mrs. G. It's bound to be traumatic no matter when it

happens.

[ScreamingMeemie]

59. The matyr act of my mother is wearing a bit thin.

She was rehashing for me about how she raised us single handedly just the other day. (she was on bridge clubs, bowling teams and golf leagues) My father pretty much was the one who took us places, fed us etc. It's amazing how differently people can see the same events. I'll be glad when she moves on. My father is relatively happy, and was almost immediately after leaving. I am only angry that he took off without any notice and left me to listen to it all. :hi: Thanks Midlo. :hug:

[bigwillq]

58. It's been over for a long time Mrs. G.

At least it's official and this part of this messy situation is over and done with.

I don't think anyone expects their parents to divorce, esp. after 40 years but it happens. Too often.
But at least they made a decision to divorce and not live a lie.
It bugs me when couples are married for so long but never go ahead with a separation or divorce.

Although it's hard to deal with on your end and probably your children's end, I actually applaud your parents. As it sounds, they finally made a good decision together! :)

I know it's tough Laura but I think it was for the best.

Anyway, I am always here for you if you need to talk, yell, scream, cry, pout, rant, rave.......you get the point!

Love you lots.

:hi: :hug: :loveya:

[ScreamingMeemie]

60. I just wish it hadn't been so acrimonious on the part of my mother.

And that my father has to work now until death to pay the bills. I wanted him to let it go to court as we're a no fault state, but he just wanted to end it. Perhaps he is right. It was one of those things I waited for my whole childhood to happen...and now, as an adult, it stunned me. Part of me wishes they hadn't stayed together for the "sake of us kids"... It surely didn't add anything to my life. You are absolutely right on that one. :loveya:

I tell MrG time and again, the door is always open if he finds himself growing miserable.

You are simply the best person. I hope you realize how much you mean to me. :hug:

[bigwillq]

61. Well of course it stinks

the way it went down. But it doesn't sound like it's too surprising on your mother's end. From what I heard. I've never met the woman but it seems like it's just par for the course. No offensive. Just my truthful analysis from what you have told me.

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

62. No offense taken at all.

It is not a huge secret that we are not the best of friends. I cannot tell you how many times I have met people (including my dentist) who said,"You're nothing at all like your mom described you." She's basically looked at me as competition instead of child since the moment I could talk. :hug: Thanks again.

[bigwillq]

63. I feel like your mother has done you a favor

the way she treated you.

Tell me if I am wrong but since you have children haven't you decided that you were going to be a better mother than your own mother? Haven't you decided that you weren't going to treat your kids the way she treated you?

I bet I am right. :)

Because you are a better mother! :hi: :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

64. Because of her I make the effort she never could.

"I'm not driving your ass around town" became "Go ahead and sign up for basketball if that is what you really want to play."

"I don't have time for this shit" became taking the time to play with my kids. I am far from perfect, but I have kids I am proud of and whom I would die for. My mother apologized for having me when I was 16 because she never wanted children; it was of course my dad's fault. When I had Nicole at 19, I made a pledge to never make her feel as if she had any negative impact on my life. And she never did. Without her, I couldn't possibly have grown up.

You have made me feel a whole heck of a lot better. Thanks! :hug: Hopefully you'll get to meet them soon and judge for yourself! :loveya:

[In_The_Wind]

65. It hurts to see something go *poof* even if it's for a good reason.

I'm sorry.
It's difficult growing up in an unhappy home.

[ScreamingMeemie]

67. Thank you Joani!

:hug: :loveya:

The roughest part is trying to shield my children. I had my daughter when I was 19 and lived at home for the first 3 years of her life. She was spoiled to death by both my parents, and loves them both madly. My mother never has been able to watch her mouth around children... my father has done a better job, but still, I know it's hurting my daughter. :(

Thanks so very much.

[In_The_Wind]

68. There will be better times ahead, perhaps the old hurts will heal a bit.

Your children will grow up with opinions of their own as to what is correct or incorrect behavior. There's really nothing you can do about the damage to the relationship between your daughter and her grandmother. Hopefully it won't teach her to mistrust women.

[Zomby Woof]

69. Laura

:hug: I hope the closing of this sad and turbulent chapter opens up the door to more stability and peace in your life. You have done more than your share of carrying the load.

[ScreamingMeemie]

72. Thank you so much.

I am glad the haggling is over. :hug:

Your support has meant a lot to me. :loveya:

[buddhamama]

70. there are days

i wish i had magical powers, or at least astonishingly profound words that would suddenly make everything better.

it is my hope that everyone can now move on from the painful experience/s and put it behind them.

peace to you, Mrs.G

all my best with lotsa hugs :hug: :pals: :loveya: :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

73. I'm doing really, really good with it all...

I just hate the "martyr" role my mother is playing and feel badly that my father has to go deeper in debt to get on with his life. Thanks so much for always being there. :loveya:

[NewWaveChick1981]

75. Hi, MrsG! That sounds like my in-laws...

They should have gotten divorced when hubby was 5 or 6, but they stayed together "for the sake of the kids." They've been married for 51 miserable years. FIL is 80, and MIL is 78. I think if they divorced now, they would not know how to be miserable without each other, so I guess they'd better stay together. :P

It's never easy, but I'm sure it was the best thing for your parents. :)

[ScreamingMeemie]

78. that pretty much describes my mother's mother (my grandma)

But now, that grandpa is gone, they had the great American romance. On the plus side, I learned at my mother's knee how not to treat my family. :hi:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

77. I'm sorry.

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

79. Starbucks...

I have missed you. :hug:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

80. I missed you, too.

:hug:

[u4ic]

81. MrsG

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry you're caught in the middle...as tough as it is, you've got a great head on your shoulders, and an even greater heart. You'll be able to weather the storm just fine.

How is your dad doing, btw?

My parents should have divorced; not only stayed together for the sake of the kids, but my mother's Catholicism kept her with him, even though he put her (and us) through hell. They were together 47 years when she died (9 years ago); I'd say about 40 of them were utterly miserable. HE was. Most of that time he didn't speak to her, acknowledge her at all; all the while they were living in the same house.

(I remember being very young, going to a friend's house and being startled that their parents talked...)

He decided, once it was found she had terminal cancer and had less than 6 months to live, that maybe he did love her after all.

He has to live with a lot of guilt...

I think it's important to know there are choices, whether the right one is made is another story. Sad to think many of other generations didn't feel they had one, but to stick it out, no matter how miserable their lives were.

Perhaps this may precipitate some personal healings, on all sides. :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

85. My father is doing amazingly well! Thanks for askin. So far, all

clear. Surgery got it all it appears.

thanks so much u4ic. :hug:

[Left Is Write]

83. I'm sorry, MrsG.

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

86. Thank you LiW.

:hug: I have missed you.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

84. No. People's memories are always valuable. No "down the drain."

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

87. Thanks. You are right.

:hug:

Especially the one time, in the middle of a WI winter, when my brother poured liquid laundry detergent all over me and locked me outside. ;) :hi:

[buddhamama]

88. on a happier note

and way off topic

how'd it go the other day with the house? was your bid accepted?