How To Be John Mayer’s Girlfriend

[underpants]

http://www.rollingstone.com/rockdaily/index.php/2006/09/06/rolling-stone-exclusive-how-to-be-john-mayers-girlfriend/

In the new issue of Rolling Stone (on newstands later this week) John Mayer pontificates to writer Brian Hiatt on many things: weed; how everybody in the music biz is a pussy; Eric Clapton; buying “Playgirl,” but not being gay, and (duh) his new — and rather awesome — album, Continuum. Most important, the singer provides an illuminating set of rules for all the aspiring Mayer girlfriends out there, whoever they may be. In his own words:

1. “Be really careful with me on the phone. Distance makes the brain grow more maniacal.”

2. “Twenty-four-hour phone-sex assistance. If there’s a cute girl in the front row, I’m gonna run offstage and call you.”

3. “You have to run every single fantasy you’ve ever had through me. You’ll never cheat. You see a cute guy at the gym, I’ll be him. Or we’ll get him. I don’t care.”

Since rumor has it Mayer and Ms. Simpson are already over, we’re kinda wondering which tenet of the Tao of John she violated. Guesses?

[RedStateShame]

1. "everybody in the music biz is a pussy"?!

But not Mr. Acoustic Singer-Songwriter Eunuch himself? His artistic peak was "Chappelle's Show." He can have his own theater in Branson now.

[southpaw]

2. Mayer seems like a smart-enough guy...

He probably got over Jessica's looks (a matter of taste, anyway) rather quickly and couldn't handle the complete lack of substance.

Dumb aint sexy.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

3. She thought he was Dave Matthews.

But I can understand that one... :hide:

[underpants]

4. Yeah ...well they had THAT in common

:bounce:

[southpaw]

5. Impossible...

Dave would never stoop so low as to write and record "Your Body is a Wonderland"

Even LaSimpson is smarter than that.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

6. I know...

he just tries SOOOO DAMN HARD to be a Dave Matthews clone. Even his stage presence is a mimicry.

[bicentennial_baby]

10. Agreed....

what a goddamn awful song that is... :banghead:

[mduffy31]

8. That had better not be a shot at Dave

Or I will have to kick your ass!

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

11. No, it's a shot a John.

I'm not a huge Dave fan, but I can't stand his wannabe clone.

[RedStateShame]

7. Is that photo from his first week of the Jack White School...

...of Appearance of Credibility? Nice brooding, but the bangs need work.

[underpants]

9. Ouch!

so far we have established that he is trying to be both Dave Mathews (my first impression of him) AND Jack White.

Who's next?

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

13. He's just auditioning for Oasis.

:hide:

[underpants]

15. Little known brother John Gallagher

LOL

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

12. Here's a better question...

If John is attending Jack White's school, who's teaching whom how to suck at writing music? It's like the deaf leading the deaf.

[RedStateShame]

14. No need. He taught himself how to suck.

[LostinVA]

16. He's dating that hypocrite and idiot Jessica simpson right now...

[xchrom]

17. that's already over...

i wonder who is next?

[WCGreen]

18. Lindsey Lohan....

Perhaps....

Give the guy some credit, he can play a very good guitar when he cuts loose...

But old mummble mouth really needs to let go of that college freshmen girl audience...

It's like he set up a marketing segment, too old for the back street boys but too young for Dve Matthews.... Try fresh tasting, smooth looking John Mayer...

[I Have A Dream]

19. For everyone who's putting him down, here are the lyrics of...

a recent song of his. He sounds like one of us to me.

Waiting for the World to Change

“Me and all my friends
We’re all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There’s no way we ever could
Now we see everything that’s going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don’t have the means
to rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It’s hard to beat the system
When we’re standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
Now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
‘Cause when they own the information, oh
they can bend it all they want

That’s why we’re waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It’s not that we don’t care,
We just know that the fight ain’t fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

And we’re still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change.”