Okeydoke. It's dumbass joke time. Whip them suckers out.

[MrScorpio]

While walking down the street one day, a high-ranking Republican is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up.   What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican big shot.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.   In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends, cronies, lobbyists and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.   They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very down to Earth and friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the big wig answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican air bag. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted for us!"

[LiberalVoice]

1. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Go fuck yourself.

One of my fav's.:)

[A HERETIC I AM]

2. A Priest, A Rabbi, A Gorilla, A duck and a Horse walk into a bar....

The bartender says
"what is this? some kind of joke?"

[TlalocW]

3. Mine

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So the bartender gives it to her.

1000 lemmings walk into a bar... *WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*...

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What's brown and green, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, will kill you?
A pool table.

A white guy, a black guy, an Irish priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Which leads into the nun jokes...

A drunk guy is walking home, and the route he uses takes him past the local nunnery. It's just past sunset and getting darker, and one of the nuns is outside doing some last minute chores. The drunk man runs and tackles her, then starts hitting and kicking her while yelling, "Not so tough tonight, are you, Batman?"

Two nuns are out walking around the city they live in, and they decide to rent a tandem bicycle. They ride around for a while and make a wrong turn down an old cobblestone street. After a few moments, one of them says, "I've never come this way before." The second one replies, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."

TlalocW

[KeepItReal]

8. What's brown and sticky!? That is funny as hell!

ROTFLMAO!!!

:-)

[TOhioLiberal]

4. Here's one...

Bill Gates dies and arrives at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets him and says, 'Since you did so much for humans--it has been decided that you may choose where to spend eternity.'

So St. Peter takes Bill on a tour of heaven, seeing all the sights--great buildings and 18-hole golf courses everywhere! Bill is understandably excited and wants to decide right there.

St. Peter says 'Hold on there, Bill. You have to see the other side before making up your mind.' So Bill reluctantly heads south.

When he arrives in hell, Bill is suprised to see a tropical beach and beautiful girls who probably wouldn't give him the time of day, even with all the money he has. Bill is even more excited and decides to stay in hell.

The next day, Satan comes by to see the newest arrival. Bill is in a lake of fire, moaning in pain. He says to Satan, 'I don't understand..when I got here it was palm trees and pretty girls...now this!' Satan smiles devilishly :evilgrin: and says 'yesterday it was on the screen saver...'

[camero]

5. Did ya hear Mickey left Minnie?

He did because she was fuckin Goofy.

[Catshrink]

6. Hot line to God

John Madden was in Chicago to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Bears' bench. He asked a nearby player what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $100.00." John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck. I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.00. John's picks were perfect that week.
The next week, John was in Minnesota when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Vikings' bench. He asked what the telephone was for and was told "It's a hotline to God, if you want to use it, it will cost you $500.00." Recalling last weekend, John pulled out his wallet and made the call. John's picks were perfect again that week!

The next weekend John was in Green Bay at Lambeau Field when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Packers' bench. He asked Brett Favre, "Is that the hotline to God?" Brett said, "yes but it will cost you 35 cents". John looked incredulously at Brett and said, '"wait a second, I just paid $100.00 in Chicago and $500.00 in Minnesota to use the same phone to God! Why does Green Bay only charge 35 cents?" Brett looked at John and replied, "In Green Bay, it's a local call."

....

on a sad note... Brett Favre's dad died today.

[Blade]

7. What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger. Ahuck.

[Kazak]

9. George W Bush...

is visiting little Johnny's second grade class one day and the teacher tells him that they are learing about the word "tragedy".

Oh, says George, can anybody tell me what the word tragedy means.

One little girl raises her hand and tells him that tragedy would be when two children are playing in the yard, one of them runs out into the street, gets hit by a schoolbus and killed.

No, says George, that woudn't be a tragedy, that would be more of an accident...would anybody else like to take a guess?

A little boy this time raises his hand and tells him that tragedy would be when a schoolbus full of children runs off a cliff and all of the children die.

No, says George, that wouldn't a tragedy, that would be more of a great loss...would anybody else like to take a guess?

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand a says that a tragedy would be if he and Mrs. Bush were flying around in Airforce One and terrorists shot it down and the two of them were killed.

Hmmmm, says George, now why would that be a tragedy little Johnny?

Because, says little Johnny, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be any great loss.

Edit: *rimshot*