Bush Demands Higher Approval Ratings

[ozymandius]

-PR firm hired to engineer large-scale campaign. Sets likeability deadline of January 1.

(Washington, DC 12/21/2003) Gone are the days of the Bush administration's astronomically high approval ratings. In light of an unglamorous descent the Republican leadership is in full-blown damage control.

Politicos have even gone so far as to hire a New York public relations firm to meet Mr. Bush's January 1 deadline to make people like him more than they apparently do now.

To the public-at-large, Bush appears to be repeating some of the cultural disconnect that plagued his father's presidency. One press corps member asked if the current Bush administration "would favor laws prophylactic to accounting firms providing other services to clients they audit".

To which the president responded: "I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked."

Perhaps the head-shaking dismay this response illicited among the press only echoes tremors undermining the president's appeal to many Americans. The latest Time/Newsweek poll asks if the president's remarks are credible. Responses suggest that many Americans have begun to divert their wholesale attention away from President Bush and focusing on more banal subjects. Most notably: the existence of wilderness legend, Sasquatch.

Marc Racicot, chairman of the Republican National Committee, has hired Biller Communications of New York to fashion a publicity campaign that promises to deliver the approval ratings Bush has demanded from the governed.

"The first few weeks of the campaign will focus on building a new identity for the president," says project manager Melody Johnston of Biller Communications. "Our research shows that when President Bush opens his mouth, the American public's attention drifts to thoughts of Sasquatch. Our first task is to get past that."

(Copyright 2003 by Oz News. All Rights Reserved.)

[citizen snips]

1. He want get higher apporval ratings from me.

I think this is good for Democrats and hard for Bush to handle.

[Kat45]

2. That's funny.

[BiggJawn]

3. OK...I'm confused.

Is Oz news legit, or is it part of the Onion/Landover Baptist empire?

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

5. No, I think it is much further out than either one of those august

organizations... straight from the mind of ozman himself.

[ozymandius]

6. Honestly.

I just make this crap up. The Onion and Landover Baptist are wonderful, though.

[lpbk2713]

4. This PR outfit really has their work cut out for them.

After all the smoke and mirrors, this has got to be where most of that $87 Billion is going to. They will have a hard time pulling this off. After all, how do you "un-dickhead" someone?