Arghhh, I don't know what to do, I need opinions on a sensitive topic.

[seaglass]

I found out that my 15yo son has been viewing porn on my laptop. I think it's pretty much normal at that age to look at pics of naked people but I really don't want these pics all over my laptop.

I can't approach him directly about not using my laptop for this anymore because of the way I found out. He would die of embarassment, he is a very private person.

I'm not going to just not let him use my laptop anymore, he does need it for schoolwork and I let him use it for AIM.

I was thinking of putting a block on, I don't know how well that will work and he's not a dummy - if there was a message that popped up that said you can't go to xyz website he would know I knew. Believe me when I say I want to save him embarrassment by not letting him know that I know.

Yikes, there doesn't seem to be a good answer. Any advice?

P.S. this is not intended to be a sex thread, I apologize if it's taken that way but I just really don't know what to do.

[zonkers]

1. I'd be up front with him and discuss it. He might "die" of embarrasment

for a second but the risk of visiting a dangerous site (dangerous in terms of spyware and dangerous in terms of illegal porn) outweigh his embarassment. I am suprised that a 15 yr old looking at porn would not be savvy enough to cover his tracks.

[Monk06]

4. Just be straight with him an tell him not to download porn........

A fifteen year old boy has poozle on the brain
24/7. He's perfectly normal and he'll grow out
of it

[smtpgirl]

7. Until he maxed out your credit card,

Dude, if you have MS XP, you can block this under the users icon in start, control panel, display, shame on you, you should have administrator rights and have a password on your log in!! And don't make the login happy123!!!! And put guest icons on your laptop!!!

[Monk06]

10. Whoa major scenario change. A former boss of mine had the ..

same thing happen to him with a porn/chat curious
daughter. Cost him 1.5 large. He could not afford
it and couldn't get out of it.

The joke is he was a nerdy born agin'er who thought
he was computer savvy and raised his kids up right.
You know; family conferences, open discussion, yada yada.

In fact he was a vain, domineering geek and his
kids revolted and drove him deservedly nuts.

[seaglass]

19. There are no credit cards involved. n/t

[seaglass]

16. Well you must be talking about blocking software or using the

rating systems because I don't use separate log-ons anymore.

[Monk06]

6. Sorry Zonkers that was meant for HopeLives

[barb162]

11. I would do the same.. Up front is the best

[radwriter0555]

27. I'd talk to him about it, the next time he asks to use the laptop... Don't

make it a serious sit down TALK. It's not that big of a deal, it's just pix of nekkid chicks. MY bigger concern would be viruses which seem to be prevelant in the porn crap. I'd be more inclined to use the virus concern over the porn...

It's just porn and you should use this as a time to have a chat, make a joke and not take it all so seriously. It's a good bridge to open the door to discussions about sex. It's up to you to drive the conversation and suggest to the lad that if has questions or concerns he can always talk to you about it. It's good to have dialogue about these things under family conditions.

[marzipanni]

35. I like your reply

but i had to LOL at the thought of a computer getting STDs!

[seaglass]

43. The virus thing is my concern, I mentioned in another post

that I lost 5 years worth of data on my laptop from a virus/worm about a month ago - now I'm pretty sure it came from one of those sites.

[Bucky]

46. With all due respect, getting busted by your mom for looking at porn is

practically a rite of passage for American boys. It happened to me and I did die. But I survived dying and it helped me to think about what was driving me to look at dirty pictures instead of talking to girls. It also helps boys to exercise their "getting over your embarrassment" muscles. He'll be embarrassed lots of times in his life--especially if he's shy--and if he can get the experience from someone who still accepts & loves him unconditionally, all the better.

It might also teach him the valuable lesson of being discrete. I say bust him. Pretending nothing is going on reinforces the sneaky aspects of this situation. Bringing the issue out into the open with tact and sensitivity will teach him social skills long after he's quit gaping at boobies. Not that a guy ever quits gaping at boobies.

[Haole Girl]

50. Good post Bucky.

I agree with your post. And, I also agree with all of the other people who say being open and honest is the best approach. It is.

[seaglass]

52. Thanks, I really needed to hear that. I didn't know it was a

common occurence for moms to catch their sons, I thought it was more a father-son thing.

He will be mortified, but as you say, he'll get over it. Thanks again.

[LeftyMom]

2. An entry level desktop is a few hundred bucks.

Sometimes it's just easier not to have to share.

[smtpgirl]

8. If anyone here uses MS XP,

it is just like NT, LOCK IT DOWN, for MAC users, get a clue!!


Start, control panel, users, gee, i have administrator rights if I am the owner of the hardware/software, you can assign guest names and password encrypt you personal logon!!!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

15. MAC users can block users as well

:-)

[aePrime]

20. Off topic

but I can't resist a good Mac/MS flame-war.

I have a B.S. and M.S. (currently working on the Ph.D) in computer science. I think I have a little more than a "clue", and I won't let Windows into my house. I have two Macs and three Linux boxes. I also write Windows software for a living, so I'm very familiar with that platform. What I have found about Windows zealots is that they are generally completely uneducated in the ways of *nix and Mac OS. Of course, Mac zealots are often uneducated about Windows, but at least they're right.

[Robeson]

33. Best suggestion so far.

[youthere]

3. I'm with Zonkers....

Just be straight with him.

[Mojambo]

5. Are you sparing him embarrassment or you?

It's not a fun conversation, but really you should be able to throw down with your kid on this one.

I remember the conversation my mom had with me when she saw the phone sex number on the bill. It sucked, but I got over it.

You can do this.

[smtpgirl]

9. Or just rip the fucking laptop from the KID!!

get a clue, you will have some kind of expensive bill

[seaglass]

12. No it wouldn't be embarassing to me, I was able to talk to him

pretty openly when he was younger and I still don't have a problem with it but he does.

[idgiehkt]

18. I think you should tell him.

He needs to know. Mainly, he needs to understand the nature of computers, that there are no anonymous searches, ever, on a computer. It would be a good lesson for him, one that's better learned sooner than later.

[crim son]

13. I found traces of a search or two on our computer too.

I approached my son. He blushed, he denied it. He ran from the room yelling angrily. We have since been able to joke about his embarrassment. It's doable.

[spacelady]

14. A teaching moment just dropped into your lap, open the dialogue. n/t

[petronius]

17. I'll second a couple of the suggestions here:

Having had that conversation with my mom around 15, I agree it is uncomfortable but it's not more than a few days worth of discomfort. Just figure out in advance exactly what the take-away message is supposed to be...

Following it up by getting him his own desktop would take away a lot of the sting...

Good luck!

[seaglass]

21. I think you're right but I need to put some time in between finding

out and talking to him about it. I can't get into it but the way I found out complicates the situation.

[petronius]

22. Well, now that you know I'm sure you can come up with an innocuous way to

'find out' all over again...

[WCGreen]

23. I would take it as an opprotunity to talk to him about

sexuality and how the stuff on the internet is not really the way you should approach love and sex in real life...

I would explain that sex is good, fun and rewarding as long as you respect the other person...

That porn is stimulation, cause it would he hard to say it is not, but it is, for the most part, fantasy and in most ways does not reflect sexual relations between two people who care about each other...

[HEyHEY]

24. Bust him, it's part of growing up

[philosophie_en_rose]

25. You could tell him that you've been getting spyware on the computer.

Therefore, you're really going to be watching the computer to see where that crap's coming from. And/or putting security in place to stop it. That way, he has fair warning. Stop looking at porn or stop getting caught.

[wickerwoman]

30. That's a good approach...

Personally, I think it's a good idea to talk with him openly about it but if it would really absolutely mortify him you might try lying. Say you're sick of all these viruses attacking your computer and you're really thinking about investing in some software to see where it's all coming from. Hopefully, he'll take the hint and figure out how to cover his tracks better. (Since I think the real concern is that he'll go through life thinking he can look at porn at a work terminal- not that he's looking at nekkid people.) And meanwhile he can tell himself that you don't really *know* what he was up to...

[seaglass]

42. That did happen a month ago. He knows that I spent over

$200 and more than 40 hours of my time trying to salvage 5 years of data on my laptop, to little avail. It still upsets me when I think about it. The virus/worm didn't necessarily come from one of these sites but I just don't want to take any risks. I do have anti-virus protection etc., but I still don't feel totally secure.

[bridgit]

26. a good time to NOT 'taboo-ize' the subject unless he's found the...

really odd & weird stuff (or 'it' has found him i should say) but if you're concerned on an on-going basis...install or download a firewall onto the machine pronto :thumbsup:

[Evoman]

28. Next time he uses it, throw him a rag

look him right in the eyes, and say, "Your gonna need that, slugger". Then just nod your head understandingly. Sure it will embarass the hell out of him, but think about how funny it will be!

[Robeson]

34. Second best suggestion so far.

[BlueIris]

29. Let it go.

It's normal at that age. And please don't take the opportunity to stigmatize valid exploration that for some reason you can't deal with him engaging in "teach him about discretion and 'responsibility'" just because. If it somehow gets out of control or you (God forbid) find something suggesting searches of a less-than-healthy (read: illegal) variety on your machine someday, than maybe it would be less...creepy for you to bring it up, but I don't think you're there yet. I mean, I guess if you really can't handle the idea that he thinks about sex, confront him with how uncomfortable you are, or just revoke the laptop privileges like you want to do anyway. Hopefully, you'll be mature enough not to go there. Healthy parents should respect the boundaries of their healthy offspring.

[JI7]

31. buy him his own computer

he is 15 and not going to stop looking at it even if you tell him. so not only would he be embarrassed (based on what you say) it wont really do much in terms of stopping him from looking at porn.

i guess one other thing is you can say you have been getting spyware or something else on the computer and not sure where it's ocming from. so maybe he might at least try to cover his tracks so you don't have to deal with it when you use it.

but i do think buying him his own would be the best idea. he will probably need to use it more now considering his age anyways.

[Omphaloskepsis]

32. When I was 15 we would 'Shoulder Tap' for porno mags...

Tons of people will buy a kid a copy of Swank for a ten dollar tip. I know I would.

[Deja Q]

37. ! They cloned Hilary Swank? That's a good price!

[Bucky]

47. Actually, the cloned version looks like this

Still got that dime bill ready?

[LiberalHeart]

36. I don't get this.

It's your computer. He's using it for something you don't approve of for one reason or another. Regardless of how you found out, why would you not just say "Cut it out"? So what if he's embarrassed? This is your kid -- not some stranger with whom you must be polite or go pussy-footing (pardon the term) around topics of importance to you. As the adult, the parent, it's your job to be straight-forward and handle it. Computer viruses aren't the core issue here, no matter how realistic the risk of getting them may be.

[rug]

38. Tell him you don't want any viruses on your laptop and to be careful.

You might also mention it's time he shaved his palms.

[Guava Jelly]

39. I think it's very natural what he is doing at that age

Boys are really curious Hell I was.
Maybe you should loan your computer to a friend wink wink and then tell your son that they found something on it.
And asked you about it..Play oblivious to how it got on there and ask him if he let any friends play on it
It sounds sort of dishonest but sometimes I think saving face and not embarrassing him may be worth it

[LaurenG]

40. I am with many others here

My son is about to turn 31 years old and he didn't die of embarrassment. He tried to ignore me when I started talking about the facts of life to him but I didn't let his embarrassment stop me.

We have a very good relationship in spite of the fact that I insisted he act with integrity and do no harm to himself or others through sexual means. In fact when he was nineteen and in a "steady" relationship with a girl, he met someone else and really wanted to "see" this new girl as well. He actually came to me and asked if it would be so wrong to go ahead and have a relationship with the new girl.

I told him "sure you should", ..."as soon as you do one of two things first", 1.ask his current girlfriend if she'd mind if he had a "relationship" with the new girl and if she said yes go for it, or 2.break up with her so that he could be more honest since they were in an exclusive relationship.

I found that being as honest as possible helps them to form their own values and keeps a lot of tabu subjects from being kept in the closet.

What you teach your kids now will affect the way they raise your grandchildren. Bite the bullet and be honest with him, it will pay off.

[seemunkee]

41. Been there

I was typing in hotbot and it autofilled to hotteens.
I didn't out and out call him on it but installed blocking software on our firewall, told both kids I was doing it, and made sure to keep it up to date.

[Blue Diadem]

44. No need for him to be embarassed nor you either, just speak

openly and honestly with him.

We raised 2 boys..it happens. My oldest was caught with his friends in 9th grade with porn mags at school by a female principal. She spoke to them about it and spoke to us about it. In turn we spoke to him about it. Then she told me she really needed to get rid of them because she had a huge pile in her trunk from confiscating them from different kids and feared getting into an accident and having them spill onto the road.

You are the parent, he's your son. It's your laptop and you have every right to expect him to use it in a manner that you wish. It's better he learn the lesson now from you than to go on and do something like that when he's older..on a company computer or elsewhere and then really have problems.

[ScreamingMeemie]

45. The embarassment he suffers today may save you the problems

it may cause tomorrow. i.e. if he were to go to an illegal site etc.

Think of it as when our brothers got caught with Playboy mags under their beds.

Embarassing yes.. but he'll have to get over it. :hi:

[Fountain79]

48. Well...there are several ways you can look at this....

1) Some porn sites act as harbingers for nasty viruses and trojan horses etc. There is a risk of damage that your son might inflict on your laptop. So that needs to be addressed.

2) It is YOUR laptop, you let him use it, this needs to be addressed and I'm sorry embarrassment shouldn't play a factor. There are a number of things that a child doesn't want to talk to their parents about, sex being among them. Still explain to him that you don't want him looking at porn on your laptop.

[billyskank]

49. "Don't look at porn on my laptop!"

Really, that's all you need to say. If he gets embarrassed, well, there are far worse things. He will survive. :)

[Midlodemocrat]

51. Same thing happened to me.

I told him to stop looking at porn on my computer. He survived. So did I.

I know it is perfectly normal to be curious and nudie pics are way more accessible on the internet than they are at the corner store.

[NC_Nurse]

53. Talk to him.

It's the best way. My son did it. I talked to him, so did my husband. You don't have to make it a big shame thing.
It's your computer, you don't want him using it for that.
I have always found it's best to just start talking. I did the same thing about STD's, pregnancy, condom use. Gave him a box.
I prefer to be a reality-based parent.

[Mz Pip]

54. Be upfront with him

If he's embarrassed, so what? There are consequences for viewing porn on your parent's laptop. Being embarrassed isn't the worst thing that can happen to him.

My son was 17 when I discovered that he and his friends had been surfing porn sites on my computer. They did the 'free trial' promos and I started getting emails asking me if I wanted to sign up. I hit the roof. Wasn't much for him to say. He got caught. Bummer. But he didn't do it again. At least not on my computer.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

55. get him his own computer

there is nothing wrong with porn