Can I get some advice from GLBT Lounge Lizards?

[belladonna]

I'm not quite sure how to explain what kind of advice I'm looking for here, so I'll just throw it out there and see if you guys can help me out here.

My youngest daughter just turned 17 in June. She came out to me a few months before that and honestly, it was no huge surprise and I THINK I handled it all okay. We're very close and she didn't seem to have any qualms about it and all went well and has continued to go well. I worry about her, but I'd worry about her whether she's gay or straight. I think I worry just a teensy bit more because there really are a few more issues for girls her age and coming out, although I do kinda think it may be easier for girls than guys.

I guess that's where my question for you guys comes in. We talk quite a bit, but mostly about when she should come out to the rest of the family. I've encouraged her to go ahead and go for it... save for one person in our family, there won't be any problems there, but I've also told her to do it when and how she feels comfortable with it and I'll be right there for her, if she needs me to help her out with it in any way. But while we talk, I sometimes get the sense that SHE is uncomfortable with it in some ways... not so much with her choice to come out or any of that. It's actually kind of hard for me to pinpoint exactly what it is that she seems to be uncomfortable with. So I just wonder.... should I be encouraging her to talk MORE to me or do I just let her be and let her bring things up as she sees fit? I know this all sounds weird, but I just want SO much for her to be happy and feel like she can talk to me about anything but I also don't want to be overbearing about it.

Okay, I'll quit rambling now and just ask for your advice or any thoughts you might have. Feel free to kick my ass if you think I'm being silly here :blush:

I have to go to school for a bit, but I'll be back later if anyone wants clarification or to kick the thread if it dies like most of mine do :P

[cwydro]

1. I think you're doing great

I came out to my mom at 18 and she also let me know it was cool to talk about it or not. I would think as long as you have let her her know that you're open to her, that you've done the best thing you can do. She is lucky to have you.:hi:

[belladonna]

4. I guess I'm overthinking everything

I just sometimes feel as though I ought to ask more questions or like I'm not doing enough somehow. I guess I should go with my instincts and just treat her the same way I did her older brother and sister. They knew they could come talk to me anytime about anything and, boy, did my son ever take advantage of that one... some of the stuff he told me made ME blush, and that is not an easy feat :wow:

Thanks for the input! :hi:

[xchrom]

2. you could not be doing this better.

she will come out to others as she feels comfortable -- and it's her relationship with you that will pave the way.

be patient and listen.

as she talks to you -- things will become clearer to her -- and it's her life -- and she'll figure out who she wants to share details with and who not.

and all of that will change over time.

[belladonna]

5. Thanks for the advice

Most of our conversations lately just seem to be about GLBT issues... gay marriage, the fact that here in the "great" state of Virginia, gays and lesbians are NOT protected by anti-discrimination laws in the workplace :mad: .... that sort of thing. I guess I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing and have faith in her... she's such an intelligent kid and I know deep down she'll be okay.

[youthere]

3. Not GLBT but I just have to say....

you are an AWESOME mom.
That is all.

[belladonna]

6. Awww, thanks

:blush:

Not always so awesome... I've made my share of mistakes, but I try! :hi:

[WillParkinson]

7. I hate to say this...

But I wish my dad had behaved as you. It'd be much less strained between us now. Good job!

[belladonna]

8. Thanks so much for the compliment!

I am very, very glad that we're able to be this way with each other. I love my Mom, but I'm not so sure that if I'd been in my daughter's shoes at 16, I'd have felt comfortable telling my mother. Now, it turns out that she's extremely open minded but back then, it was a whole different world when it came to this situation.

[belladonna]

9. Kick for the afternoon crowd

:kick:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

10. you sound like a lovely mother

i wish mine was more like you

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

11. You sound awesome.

She'll come out to the rest of the family on her own time. Don't push her. She's lucky to have a mom like you. Like Priyanka said, I wish my mom was like you.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. i think bella is going to make every gay du'er wish

for a mother like her...

[belladonna]

14. You guys are so sweet

I try my best not to screw things up too badly :shrug:

[belladonna]

13. Not always so awesome

I'm sure my kids could attest to the fact that I've screwed up along the way.. but I try. As far as her coming out to everyone else, that's pretty much the attitude I've taken with it. We actually had a loonnnng conversation, going over most of our family members and how we think they'll react. Most of our family, save for my extremely Republican uncle who we never see anyway, will be absolutely cool with it. I just never want her to feel like she has to hide who she is or feel ashamed, I guess.

[skygazer]

15. ALL parents screw up along the way

I'm straight as are my kids but I know all about parenting worries and worrying about those mistakes. The thing is, we have to recognize that we're human, we all make mistakes and the trick is to learn from them, rectify what we can, and go forward. All we can do is our best and it sounds like you've raised a smart, confident kid who knows she can count on you. Bravo! :applause: Because that's what it's all about.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

18. Well, I had an absolutely terrible coming out experience with my mom

so to me you're awesome in that regard.

[begin_within]

16. Here's my opinion...

She should only mention it if someone asks her. If someone asks her if she's lesbian, she should just say "yes," and leave it at that. If someone asks her if she has a boyfriend, she should just say, "No. I'm gay." and leave it at that. If someone doesn't ask, they are either not interested, or not ready for the answer. When someone does ask, they are ready for an answer and prepared for the answer, whatever it will be. Some people in the family may never be prepared to know the answer, so they will never ask. So, my advice is: tell the truth if asked about it, but don't bring it up on your own. When someone is ready to know, they will tell you they are ready by asking. This is just my opinion on how it should be handled; other people have different opinions.

[belladonna]

17. That may be one way to handle it

I think she's really torn about it right now.. she hates the holidays when everyone asks her if she has a boyfriend and the usual nosy questions. If in her shoes, being the outspoken person I am, would not hesitate to tell them nope, but I have this really cute girlfriend I'd love to bring to dinner next week.... but that's me, not her. I'll just let her feel her way and give my advice or help when she asks, I guess :shrug:


Now I must leave school and drive home... so I can work :cry:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

19. Well, the way I handled it with people that I knew could handle it...

was I just started acting as if they already knew I was gay. I stopped playing the pronoun game and would just talk completely honestly. Just slip in stuff like, "oh yeah, well my ex-girlfriend and I..." It worked out well and I was able to come out without having it be like, "attention family: I'm a lesbian." A couple of them figured it out from the rainbow sticker on my car, as well.