How much longer should I put up with this?

[Robb]

So the suddenly-ex (her idea) came over while I was out this evening, as planned, and moved a fraction of her things out. Just got off the phone with her, she's now pissed off that I'm "pressuring" her, she's "really busy with work right now," she's now got plans to leave some of her furniture for other people -- I assume I'll have to deal with them getting their asses over to get the crap.

And I know she's leaving for the "work" which is more important than being in a relationship in like a week. Unless she commits to like two solid days, it's not gonna happen.

My current plan is to attempt to be as understanding as possible, and give her until she leaves on her next little trip, then everything goes in the shed.

Reasonable? Too reasonable? I mean, I really need to get her things out so I can get the fuck on with my life here. :(

[XemaSab]

1. can't you pack it up

and dump it at her house?

[Floogeldy]

2. She has a house?

Maybe they can reconcile. Love.

[Robb]

3. Well, we're talking about a LOT of stuff

You know, two years' worth of things collected by someone who until two weeks ago thought she'd be here forever. Closets full of clothes, gear, furniture.

Plus, since she's all "jet set" now, she doesn't actually have a place. She's house-sitting for a mutual friend. Mostly things are supposed to go into this storage garage at yet another friends'.

It's all fairly messed up, actually.

[Maddy McCall]

4. Just put your stuff in the shed...

load up the dirt bike, and come hang out in Mississippi for awhile.

:D

Kiddin' with ya, friend. But honestly....

IT IS NOT your responsibility to be a warehouse for her shit. If she wants to give her stuff away piecemeal, then she needs to come get it, put it in storage, and handle it without putting it off on you.

My advice--and this comes from someone who has been in your shoes. Move it to the shed and change the locks on your house. You should have changed the locks on your house yesterday.

Don't allow yourself to be strung along like this. The sooner her stuff is gone, the sooner you can accomplish that most important little thing called "closure."

Hugs to you--I know it sucks to go through this. You are a GREAT guy and deserve so much more. There's a good gal out there who'll respect all that you give, all that you are. I promise. This one wasn't the one.

:hug:

[Robb]

5. Is the week too long?

I really, really don't want to go to the dark side on this. In her current state she's liable to go absolutely apeshit -- more alarmingly, hurt herself in some way, like go out and get drunk or something.

Maybe I say to myself Ill change the locks etc. if she doesn't get anything done tomorrow? :shrug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

7. Dear Robb, here's the real low-down

You cannot control her behavior, you can only control your life and your choices.

You are not responsible for her behavior or choices.
You are and can only be responsible for your behavior and choices.

If she goes apeshit, YOU did not do it.

It all sounds like a painful place to be where you are right now, but do what you need to for yourself.

Being her doormat is not about you...unless you want it to be. :hug:

Sounds like she's getting something out of her choice of behavior and attitude toward you. What are you getting out of your choice of response?

From Carlos Castaneda:

"A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use."

[unsavedtrash]

6. I threatened bonfire and she got everything that day but you are probably

more understanding than I was at the time.

[Skittles]

8. leave all her shit on the f**ing porch already

then you don't have to worry about f***ing schedules

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

10. Damn Skittles...

you just said exactly what I was going to say.

[Robb]

17. You can always be counted upon, Skittles

I'm going to start calling you my id. :hug:

[Mojambo]

9. Perfectly reasonable.

Proceed.

[barb162]

11. Put it in the shed now. You are not responsible for her junk

She is. And tell her she has x amount of time to get it out of the shed or you will put it out on the street. She can rent a storage space in any number of those rental places

[petronius]

12. Very reasonable - I would accomodate that far and no farther

As for the friends coming to get stuff, the most I would do is let them name a day and I'd stick the stuff out on the porch for them to pick up...

[China_cat]

13. One word (or 2)

Goodwill. Salvation Army.

They pick up.

[queenjane]

19. Goodwill, Salvation Army OR "free stuff" sign at the street!

One friend tossed out her cross-dressing transgendered-to-be hubby, and when he took a little too long to pick up his stuff, she called Salvation Army. He had lots of high-end musical equipment (he was in a band), and SA was thrilled to get it.

Soon-to-be ex-hubby, not so much.

Another friend told her soon-to-be-ex hubby to come get his giant cacti (these things were 6 feet tall, 5 of them). When he didn't (they were an excuse to keep in touch with her), she hauled them to the street in front of her house, put out a huge "Free Plants!" sign, and by the end of the day, the plants were long gone.

She was surprised so many people wanted 6-ft-tall cacti. :-)

[ScreamingMeemie]

14. Robb, you have been more than understanding and more than

accomodating (the way I see it from your posts). I would give her a set time. Be it two weeks or 30 days, and then tell her you need to move on. No more letting her walk over you Robb. :hug:

[IdaBriggs]

15. Did she pay rent? If so, you may be legally obligated for a set period

of time to be her storage facility, as technically, she has paid rent. (This is usually a thirty day thing.)

If this is just "junk" from the relationship, politely put a reasonable timeframe on it (one week is reasonable), and send her a written letter (or formal e-mail) telling her that you will consider any property left behind on day X to be abandoned, and will begin disposing of it yourself.

An optional thing for you to do would be to pack up her crap, put it in a storage unit *NOT* on your property, pay one month of the storage unit (about $75 usually), and send her the key/code/location information for her to either collect it at her leisure, or abandon it to them. This has the added advantages of you not having to be at her disposal, you not having to worry about your "stuff" getting mixed up with hers by her helpers, and you feeling much more in control of your own environment. However, the negatives are that you have to do the work of moving her crap, if you damage it you will be responsible for it, and you have to fork up the money for the storage unit. (Sometimes a couple of hundred dollars is worth getting rid of an aggravating leach, however, but that is up to you.)

You might also want to take pictures of the possessions so she can't come back later and try to sue you for damages (real or imagined).

Again, keep in mind that while your emotions might be on the raw side, you do have certain legal obligations if she was living with you. If not, a polite courtesy thing is about a week (or more if the two of you can come to some sort of agreement), and then she's out of there.

You are not under any obligation to continue treating her as a friend; in fact, I highly recommend against it as your next girlfriend probably won't appreciate you ex being a regular part of your life in a "friendly" way (except in rare circumstances).

Good luck.

[Callalily]

16. I'm really feeling for

you. She's really put you in an awkward position. Anyway, she clearly has enough time to make a few phone calls. One to a storage place and one to a moving place. I believe that you have already packed up most of her stuff already. Give her a reasonable timeframe to pick up her stuff, or you dispose of it as your conscience allows.

I held onto stuff for a year before I finally got rid of it. I can't imagine anyone leaving such valuable things behind. And as fate would have it, he called a couple of weeks after his stuff was gone. Oh well . . . :shrug:

[JVS]

18. Throw it in the fucking yard already

[ThomCat]

20. You are being very, very nice to her.

Her shit is taking up space in your home. She should be making an effort to accomodate you.

[MrCoffee]

21. Screw that. Toss it to the curb.

[NewWaveChick1981]

22. She chose to leave, so unless there is some other legal obligation for you

to store her stuff, DON'T. Shed, porch, curb, or whatever, that's where it belongs if she won't come to get HER stuff. She should have thought about that before she left. Tell her if she can't get it herself that she should hire a mover and put it in long-term storage elsewhere.

Gee, I'm sorry she has to actually move her OWN stuff after she decided to dump you... :sarcasm:

I am, however, very sorry she put you in that situation. :hug:

[bridgit]

23. i appreciate a clean break if & when, people leaving things behind...

can be seen as their not caring enough to let it go when they may have 'clearly' stated otherwise & will not facilitate the closure of a wound imo

[LostinVA]

24. If she's not on the mortgage/lease

If you weren't married: put it all on the porch, covered, and send her a REGISTERED LETTER telling her she has XXX (like by this Saturday) days to get it (give a date), and then you are calling Goodwill, etc. Also, tell her she's not allowed in the house. Have the locks changed NOW. DO IT TODAY. Quit letting her get away with controlling you... she isn't getting her stuff for a reason.

If she is on the lease/mortgage, and you are married, an attorney can help you.

[Robb]

29. Just curious... what possible reason?

I have no earthly idea why she's dragging this out. :shrug:

[LostinVA]

30. It's a control thing

I had an ex do this once, too. SHE was on the lease and kept paying her half of the rent, so I was screwed.

[skygazer]

25. No longer

You're being used, my friend. Because you've allowed her to procrastinate on this (because you're a nice guy) she's taking advantage of you. She needs to put her priorities in order - if she wants this stuff, she needs to come get it NOW.

Fuck that crap about you "pressuring" her. And don't let her emotionally blackmail you with fears that she'll hurt herself or do something stupid - that's not your responsibility. You're doing nothing unreasonable by expecting her to get her things out in a timely manner and if she's busy with work, she needs to hire someone to take care of it. It's HER responsibility, not yours.

I would move it all out to the shed and change the damn locks - she shouldn't be in there when you're not home anyway.

[Missy Vixen]

26. Again, another positive reinforcement

>I really need to get her things out so I can get the fuck on with my life here.<

Call her. Tell her she has until she starts "the work" to get her things completely out, (not in the shed, not in any other storage facility,) or you will be calling the appropriate organization (Salvation Army, etcetera,) to remove them.

She is the one to make this decision, therefore, you have no responsibility to her anymore. NONE.

If that doesn't work, Skittles will be over in short order to kick her ass. ;-)

Julie

[SOteric]

32. I agree with everything Julie says here, except

the part about donation her belongings; which, in many states is illegal and could leave you financially liable for replacing them.

Instead, I recommend that by that date if not sooner you remove her belongings to a storage rental facility, drop the key by her place of residence and have them forward the billings to her new address.

[RedStateShame]

27. Ship everything to her new address, pay for it yourself...

...but urinate on everything.

[Flaxbee]

28. If she's leaving in a week (this week? or 7 days from now?)

then tell her she's got until she leaves, and then everything goes in the shed. AND THEN YOU CHANGE THE LOCKS to the house.

It seems to me that she's trying to keep you hooked until she decides she really wants out... maybe this work trip is an exploration for her - some other person, something new - and if it doesn't feel right, you'll be there for her to come back to. Who knows? Her stalling though seems to me like she hasn't completely decided that she wants the new way of life, that she realizes she might want to come back to you.

I don't mean to say anything hurtful, I hope I haven't. But it sounds like she's trying to eat her cake and have it too, keeping you involved until she makes up her mind.

[SoCalDem]

31. The best $80 you will ever spend.

rent a storage lock-up, haul her shit there and mail her the key.. Tell her you are paying for ONE month only and if she does not retrieve her stuff by then, she'll have to pay the fee or lose her stuff..

[Haole Girl]

33. Putting everything into a shed, at your convenience, sounds

reasonable to me. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, (and sorry for not reading the other posts yet), isn't she the one who broke up with you?