Help me get this man out of my mind!

[Writer]

I have been fantasizing heavily about a person I am not with, with whom I have no future (I am, in fact, married) and can be a jerk at times. But my mind has turned into a bordello. I am desperate here. And it's not like Mr. Writer and I aren't being all "marital" with each other - wink-wink, nudge-nudge. HELP! I AM GOING INSANE HERE! :argh:

[_testify_]

1. In my experience, fighting the thoughts makes it worse.

My suggestion is to roll with it until you are physically incapable of continuing, then eat cookies. Rinse & repeat. Eventually you'll get tired of it.

[Phillycat]

3. I agree with this.

Erm...flog yourself into a state of unconsciousness.

[NashVegas]

38. I Second This

Why fight it when you can use it to your own benefit?

[Writer]

41. I'm with you there. It's like quicksand. n/t

[miss_american_pie]

2. Write it all out and burn the paper?

What do I know? My mind is always a bordello.

:hug:

[Writer]

25. I journal heavily...

for the last three to four months, this is all I've written about... well, almost. :blush: I can't burn my laptop, though :(

But I understand what you're saying. I don't think it will quell my thoughts, however.

[Deja Q]

4. So what can I do to stop you from thinking

about me? :spray:

[Writer]

9. Hypno, you be lucky you're not an object of my fantasies...

because they would render you exhausted. ;)

[Deja Q]

16. Are you so sure?

:evilgrin:

[Writer]

17. What, are you loaded with octane, friend?

For my fantasies are relentless.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

5. I agree with Testify...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Laugh at yourself instead...
What a joke! You're fantasizing about a jerk...and he isn't even your husband!

I'm not sure what he's done to rate being called a jerk; but that might be a good area to focus on. When I found myself in a similar situation, I remembered how lucky I was, not needing STD testing every few months; because the guy I had fantasies about...Well, let's just say you never know where that thing has been.

Another good focal point would be those areas no one thinks about for the first month or so of a crush. Imagine a wildly reeking fart issuing from his butt...a major belch in the middle of a four-star restaurant...snores emitting from his mouth while you're energetically having at him from on top. (sorry if that's too graphic)

You get the idea...

:hug:

[Writer]

8. The sad thing is my head is now trying to think of him realistically...

sort of like a "well, what IF we could be together" fantasy. That's when I think of farting and other ghastly bodily functions and then think "how cute." Then I continue thinking, "but damn would bedtime be enjoyable!" Then I start guiltily thinking of Mr. Writer, and his cute butt. That helps... a little.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. There ya go...

If it ain't broke, don't smash it! :)

[idgiehkt]

6. is this the subject of the

"to an unnamed person: I love you" thread?

Is it a DUer?

[Writer]

7. Yes and certainly not.

Oh my - you know too much already! Ahhhhhhh! And this has been going on for the better part of 16 months. And I barely see the guy.

[idgiehkt]

11. I feel for you.

That is a really tough situation to be in, especially to have it go on that long. You are just human. I once carried a torch for a woman for ten years. Ten years I had a crush on her. When she was around me I would physically shake. I got over it though, even though I never though I would. It was a crush though, not full fledged love. A friend of mine once told me we get these crushes on people that have things we want to cultivate in ourselves and feel that we don't have or can never have, so it might help to sit down and try to identify what qualities that person has that you might desire or feel that you can never have otherwise except through being near them. My friend said if you work on cultivating those qualities you see in them and desire for yourself it will lessen the feelings. She's an M.S.W. so she knows a bit about this kind of thing, but it might just be that lust is just lust. The only way I know how to get rid of lust is to find a successor object of lust, lol. Not much help, when it boils down to it. :(

[Writer]

13. Yeah I'm starting to think that this is quite natural.

Because Mr. Writer is yearly becoming a better Mr. We've been at this marriage thing for 5 years now and it's gotten rather good.

I think there is definite truth to what you're saying about this person representing qualities I wish I had in my life. In this case, this person represents freedom on a few different levels.

[RetroLounge]

10. The fantasy is ALWAYS better than reality.

Well, usually :evilgrin:

RL

[Writer]

12. Yeah, last time I saw him he was looking a bit pekid...

and I thought to myself, "Okay, Writer, you can get over this..." Then when I left, I began to worry about him :eyes: and then the bordello appeared once again.

[IdaBriggs]

15. Enjoy It! Keep it a fantasy, of course, and toss in some whip cream!

Put him in some cute outfits, have him behave in a way to feed your fantasy, and forgive yourself for being human enough to "fantasize" a little -- then go "experiment" a little with MrWriter.

Worst case scenario, if its really bugging you, write a nice trash romance novel about it -- you might as well make some money if you are going to be suffering. :)

[Missy Vixen]

18. Romance writers crush on their heroes all the time

>write a nice trash romance novel about it<

The hero in my novel is everything I ever wanted. ;-)

In the meantime, Writer, it's always a good occasion for a nice picture of Patrick Fitzgerald. :evilgrin:



Julie

[Writer]

35. Meow! Ooh. I SO could write a short story on him...

indeed, maybe that should be my fun writing project for the week. :think:

[Beausoir]

62. And when you finish it, share it!

Yay!

[Writer]

37. Mr. Writer definitely gets the brunt of it.

I just hope the wrong name doesn't grace the air, if ya know what I mean. :blush: (How awful!)

[crim son]

19. I've a thought: think about him obsessively because

you know he's your soulmate. Maybe he's even told you that. Then, call him late at night :) His woman will answer the phone and then he'll grab it and start yelling at you in a voice you never thought you'd hear, saying words you can't believe but that break your heart such that it's not even bleeding, it's dead as a doornail. Voila! No more pain :sarcasm:

My advice must be to do anything you can to get him out of your head. No man is worth risking your marriage for. Take it from me because I know.

[Writer]

26. Ah, yes! Subterfuge - brilliant!

I know he has a person, but that doesn't stop what I believe to be palpable sentiment when we're in a room together. We seem to enjoy each other's company a bit more than normal.

But, no, Mr. Writer is not in danger at all, for he is MR. WRITER! AKA MEOW!

[crim son]

30. I'm glad!

:hug:

[marzipanni]

46. So go out to dinner with Mr. Writer, him, and his person

Maybe his person and Mr. Writer would hit it off, too.
:yoiks:

[Writer]

58. LOL

:rofl:

[bertha katzenengel]

20. Let it run its course. It'll burn out.

Pobrecita . . . :hug:

[Writer]

27. Gracias, mi angelita...

:D

[NewWaveChick1981]

21. We've all been there, Writer...

:hug: I just kept thinking about the whole thing until I stopped thinking about it. The situation ran its course naturally and faded away. :)

I can't tell you how to stop thinking about it, because I didn't. It just stopped on its own. :)

[Writer]

28. It's been going on for a bit more than a year...

I think about 16 months or so. It lingers, you know, sort of like bad house guests. I do hope it will die off sometime, however. :)

[NewWaveChick1981]

49. I know exactly what you're talking about...

:hug: I think it was 2 1/2 years for me... lol! :rofl: It takes a while sometimes. :pals:

[pitohui]

22. i guess i'm not seeing the problem

i don't want to be the one to break it to you but your husband has fantasies too

you are blowing this up to more than it is

it has never taken one moment of love, passion, or kinkiness out of our marriage that i may slobber in an undignified fashion at times over the inimitable john cusack

[Writer]

29. It's quite all right. You're not breaking anything to me at all.

I know, indeed I HOPE, Mr. Writer has fantasies about other women. If he didn't then I would know that he was either dying or dead.

[Redstone]

36. Undeniable wisdom from you, yet again. May I express my respect

for your ability to boil things down to the essentials, just one more time?

Redstone

[pitohui]

61. thanks

i think i'm a bit windy rather than a boiler-downer, but if you're getting a kick out of it, terrific!

:-)

[Evoman]

23. Picture him picking his nose, rolling it around in his fingers

and then popping into his mouth and eating it with a satisfied grin. Then realize that he most likely does this in real life.

There you go.

[Writer]

31. Hmmm... I'm thinking of a firm wedge of the fingertip...

firmly placed now - his manly finger wedged DEEPLY into that nosehole. Probing DEEPLY, in and out, until he grabs a bit of mucus. Finally, spent, he pulls out his finger to the satisfaction of his cleared nostril. Then he flashes a satisfied grin.

Ahhh. Great idea. ;)

[Lady Freedom]

24. I can't. But this guy might!!

[Writer]

33. You know, maybe I should think of him like that.

I should start having paranoid visions of him trying to murder me. So during those rare times we're working together I can sit in my chair quivering with fear and he can study me quizzically, wondering if I've gone insane.

Hmmm...

[Redstone]

32. Oh, damn. Wish I could help you out with that, I do, but I've not been

in that situation myself.

I understand it's a fairly common thing to have happen, though.

Hang in there. And I hope you can resolve it in a way that spares you and Mr Writer any pain.

Redstone

[Writer]

34. At least nothing has happened.

I've already hurt Mr. Writer once - and that wasn't even a physical relationship. :(

[Redstone]

39. It doesn't HAVE to be physical. A betrayal of trust hurts every bit

as much, no matter the format of the betrayal.

Trust is ALL in a marriage.

Redstone

[Writer]

40. Yyyyyyup.

Now we're more open about crushes. He's somewhat aware about this one, but I'm so embarrassed about how much this other guy consumes my mind! :blush:

[Redstone]

42. As you should be. If you'd like some advice from me, it would be

to tone it down.

Redstone

[Writer]

43. While I understand the necessity in doing that...

I think that's the reason for this entire thread. That is a very difficult thing to do.

[Redstone]

44. Difficult, bullshit, if you don't mind me saying so. Is your marriage more

important than your crush, or not?

Make the decision. You owe it to your husband.

Tough talk, tough choices, but you DID ask for opinions.

Redstone

[Writer]

45. Redstone that was simply unnecessary.

I think I demonstrate that my marriage is far more important than my crush simply by the fact that I haven't acted on my crush. I haven't even given this person an indication that I have a crush. Additionally, if you read this entire thread, I am not alone in having this experience, and it was very difficult - if not nearly impossible - for them to stop thinking about their crushes, as well. I would suggest you level your judgments in their direction as well.

[IdaBriggs]

54. I'm not sure -- please keep in mind that I am very supportive of

the "fantasy lover" concept (why else do we read trash romances, etc.?), but if you are actually developing a RELATIONSHIP with this guy in your head (as opposed to some fun), then honestly, Redstone's comments are true.

If you want to stop, STOP. Put a little aversion therapy into it, if need be. Change the freaking subject. Pick up a book, think about world hunger, whatever -- if its hurting your husband, YOU are the one who needs to end it -- and YOU are the only one who can. IT IS YOUR BRAIN.

If you need some techniques, there are a bunch of self help tapes out there that can help you "take control of your thinking" -- the biggest thing is, you can't be playing dumb about this. You aren't helpless, and the longer you PRETEND you are, the more damage you are doing to your relationship with your husband.

As I said, if this is just a "pool boy fantasy" situation, then enjoy it (especially if you don't own a pool). If its kind of fun, write a book about it. If its starting to feel like obsession (seriously), or is causing your beloved husband any pain whatsoever, then CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR. Be practical about it; do something to "refocus" your thoughts.

Right now you aren't doing anything about it because you are getting more pleasure than pain from the experience. Even the "guilt" isn't that terrible because you can justify to yourself that you aren't actually DOING anything, despite the fact you know damn good and well that you would be throwing utter conniptions if your husband was "only" MENTALLY cheating on you with another REAL person (as opposed to the occasional playboy bunny self pleasuring fantasy).

Your fantasy has nothing to do with who this guy actually is -- this is All About You. Some of that can be healthy and fun. Only you know if you've crossed the line into "selfish and destructive to your marriage" -- but honestly, I'm hoping you haven't.

[Writer]

57. Has anyone been reading this thread?

Including the OP? I most certainly am not starting a relationship here... where was that ever implied?

Anyway, I understand the ebb and flow of difficulty that this creates. It makes rational sense to try to "tone down" or "lessen" such thoughts, but I think just about anyone in this thread who has experienced this will tell you: these thoughts/feelings are not rational!

Or else I wouldn't have started the thread to begin with. :)

[Sugar Smack]

59. Well, Writer, I think the best of you.

:hug: You are wonderful. I love your posts.

[IdaBriggs]

64. At this point you have a RELATIONSHIP with this man In Your Head.

And just because they aren't rational isn't any reason to keep having them. You have all the power here -- just because its 'difficult' or 'challenging' to stop doesn't mean you shouldn't (or can't). There are billions of self help books out there on "how" to do just that.

As I said before, if its all fun and games, enjoy! But if its hurting the man you love, its time to stop.

[Writer]

66. It's not hurting the man I love,

because he KNOWS. :hi:

[Dangerously Amused]

60. In all fairness to Redstone,

...you did start this thread with a request for the Lounge to "Help me get this man out of my mind!"


Redstone was trying to help you do just that.


But now it sounds like you've changed your mind and want to keep on with your fantasy life. Whatever, but don't get on Redstone's case for trying his best to help you when you asked him to.

[Writer]

63. I have no problem with Redstone helping me...

his tone in one of his posts, however, was a bit harsh and overly critical. I'll take the rest of his suggestions, however, surrounding that.

On edit: Actually, rereading it, it sounds like I may have gotten him upset by suggesting that it is somehow out of my control. I certainly didn't mean to do that. This was all supposed to be a somewhat lighthearted thread, anyway.

[billyskank]

47. My life is fantasising about people I am not with

and with whom I have no future. :(

[BarenakedLady]

53. ...

:-(

:hug:

(you aren't the only one)

[zanne]

48. Why exactly do you want to stop fantasizing?

Are you worried that it will turn into "something"? If not, why don't you just let your husband benefit from your fantasy? I've always considered fantasy healthy for a marriage.

[Deep13]

50. Listen to the chicken dance song.

Then it will take over your thoughts and you will be asking us how to get rid of that earworm.

[LaraMN]

51. It's human nature, don't feel bad.

And I agree with the others whosaid not to try so hard to push it away. An active fantasy life is not a bad thing, imho.:hug:

[emmajane67]

52. You can get rid of the thoughts, just stop.

That's it, that's all you have to do.

Sorry if this pisses you of but I have been on the receiving end of this sort of things and believe me it hurts, real bad. You just have to make the commitment to your husband in your mind.

You say you have because you are with him and being faithful to him but you are giving alot of your thought to another man and that is not fair. I have heard that line before and it's not enough, you might not be acting on your fellings but you are still allowing him to be part of your relationship. I imagine your husband would be very hurt if he knew the depth of your feelings. Joking about a wee crush is one thing but this seems like quite another.

Yes, a fantasy life is important and being attracted to other people is healthy but when it becomes a large fixation on one individual that will not go away. That is not healthy.

I have no advice on how to get this person out of your mind because personally I just think it is just a case of a wee bit of self-discipline and repect for another person that you love.

[rug]

55. You need displacement therapy.

[Writer]

56. Now THAT works.

I'M CURED! HALLELUIA! PRAISE JENIS!

:rofl:

[Schema Thing]

65. Do you mean the guy I saw watching and agreeing with Bill O'reilly?

no charge for that one :)

[Fuzz]

67. I knew I shouldn't have posted a picture of myself!

:D

[reyd reid reed]

68. Y'know what...in the end, as long as it's only in your mind

and you're not planning to put it in practice, I don't see the problem. People fantasize all the time; there are some that argue that it benefits a relationship and prevents....I dunno...complacency?

Besides...experience has taught me that the more I try and squash a fantasy, the more insistent my imagination becomes. As long as it's not interfering in your life and threatening your marriage, I don't see the problem.