I'm worried I might be going to a dark, dark place

[Robb]

Today I found myself hoping, however idly, my alcoholic ex binges and hits rock bottom this weekend.

It wouldn't take much, especially these days, for her to lose it in front of her new bosses, on the job. And she'd get dropped like a hot rock.

I've told myself I'm simply hoping she bottoms out sooner rather than later, because I know that's the only possible moment someone in her condition can begin to seek help she needs. But I'm concerned I might just be getting bitter, vindictive -- things I think myself above.

[NC_Nurse]

1. Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic

understands how you feel. Probably a little of both, altruism and sour grapes. You ARE human, aren't you?
Hitting bottom is often a good thing, but there's no guarantee that what you think of as rock bottom is what HER bottom is.

[idgiehkt]

2. I don't think we can control our thoughts.

Not the first ones, I mean. Maybe not allow yourself to dwell on them, but don't beat yourself up. One really valuable thing someone taught me once when I used to worry about or feel guilty about things I would think or feel, she would repeat over and over, "Behavior, behavior, behavior." Up until I met her (another MSW friend, i seem to attract those) all I had was my church upbringing and I believed I should be ashamed of those things and try to control them. She said my control needed to be exerted on how I behaved, moving my focus to something else ('move a muscle, change a thought' and other hokey platitudes) but not to beat up on myself for those less than desirable thoughts or feelings because that is just adding pain to pain. Plus it's natural for you to want to somehow exert control and map out what may happen because it sounds like she is in very dangerous territory and truthfully anything could and probably will happen. That's just your mind trying to get a handle on it. It's pretty common, you will hear people in al-anon talk about how they wished their alcholic spouses would sometimes die and they would plan out and fantasize every detail of the funeral. It's just the mind trying to get control of the uncontrollable. Good lord, of course you are hoping she bottoms out sooner than later, if at all, before she hurts herself and/or someone else or gets killed. Totally normal reaction you are having here, don't let anyone tell you different. Talk to al-anon people, surely there is an online meeting you can log into and vent.

[crim son]

3. Moments of anger and bitterness are par for the course

in your situation. The fact that you recognize them means that they are not a familiar part of you and will never be. If you don't forgive yourself for having these absolutely normal/required feelings, then and only then should you be worried.

[BarenakedLady]

4. Listen

You've loved this person for quite awhile I assume. It's not like you can turn off your feelings, no matter how much they have fucked up. Even if right now you are hoping for negative things for her, I can read through the crap that you do care. You want her to hit rock bottom now, so it doesn't get worse. I hope for her sake (and yours) that she does get the help she needs. But you need to quit beating yourself up for her mistakes. She needs to figure it all out on her own.

[Robb]

8. Well, I don't blame myself

for her mistakes. At least I don't think I do. I just hope she gets there, somehow. It's too much of a waste.

[skygazer]

5. Pain does things to us

And life is complex - there are never really any easy answers to anything.

My mother died of cancer. At the age of 14, I found myself wishing the end would come for her. I told myself that it was because I wanted her suffering to end and that was true. But it was also true that I wanted MY suffering to end as well. Because when you live with someone who is dying, your life is on hold.

It took me many years to acknowledge that I had those feelings and many more to realize that they were normal. What you're feeling is normal - the complex, sometimes contradictory emotions and desires that come from a complex situation.

You are a good person, Robb - it's obvious by your posts. And though there may be a part of you that feels bitter, that's normal. It's not the largest part and it's a perfectly natural response to being hurt. :hug:

[sweetheart]

6. bitter

Just walk away and let her be free of your judgement.

[pitohui]

7. never lose your humanity

not a damn thing wrong w. indulging in a little bitter, vindictive -- you don't ever want to lose your common humanity, do you?

let the saints be the saints, you don't want to be "above" the normal healthy emotions anyone would feel

[u4ic]

9. Robb, it's part of the grieving process

You recognize it for what it is - you're not becoming vindictive by thinking those thoughts. You're grieving, trying to let go. Anger is a natural part of it. :hug:

If you're actively working to bring her down...that would be a concern.

[Robb]

10. No, haven't gone there

And it's not anger, exactly. I don't feel like I "want her to get what's coming to her," or anything.

I think part of me wants her to hit bottom, work herself out, and become someone I'd want to be with. And I know it has to be her that gets there, and I want it to happen quicker -- because I know I can't sit around waiting for it to happen. Lost chances, and all.

[kwassa]

19. part of the problem is ....

waiting for the other person to change. You want her to be what she was to you, or what you think she was. She has hurt you by not being that. She probably won't be that again, even if she cleans up. You are taking the right steps to take care of yourself, and part of that is moving your life along in a healthy direction, which in this case means being rid of her. She has to do her own recovery work, no one can do it for her.

keep going to meetings, keep taking those positive steps.

[havocmom]

11. Heard a terrific counslor speaking about broken relationships

Said to get a feel for how many in attendance had REALLY experienced a breakup, he tells a story about a woman, driving by a park, who sees her estranged husband and his lady friend. She loses it and takes after them in her car, mowing them down.

The counslor said most people were horrified by his story, but some always cheered. Those were the ones who had REALLY DONE THEIR HOMEWORK and been brave enough to really experience all their emotions about the end of a relationship.

FWIW, if you go ahead and live through all your honest feelings, pretty or not, they are less likely to sneak up and blindside you at a later date. A well flushed wound heals better than an abcess. Go ahead and acknowledge what you really feel. So long as you do not actually act on any really bad negative impulses, it's all OK.

Best advice I ever got was while enduring a very painful divorce: Give yourself 2-3 years of pretty liberal forgiveness for what you feel and think, and MOST of what you do.

We all have ugly facets. Some of us are blessed with the opportunities to learn that about ourselves, explore the ugly and make it become a useful, constructive part of our future. Learn to appreciate all your facets and the fact that you make good choices about your actions, even when you have dark yearnings.

You are still a good person. You are just more aware you are human. It's OK. Makes you more understanding in the long run.

A support group to explore things with is helpful at times like this. See what might be out there along that line.

[Robb]

12. That sounds disturbingly like

"That which does not kill me shall make me stronger." :hi:

[havocmom]

14. Trick is to keep from actually killing anyone

(self included) while accepting your humanity. ;)

[jobycom]

13. Sounds like you're pretty healthy, to me.

It's normal to wish horrible things on someone who has caused you so much pain, deliberate or otherwise. To wish for their self-destruction is even more normal--it's a way to let yourself feel vindicated, especially if you feel you helped protect her from that outcome before. In other words, you think "See what I did for you? Your downfall proves I was good for you."

The part that proves that you are a quality individual is the part that posted what you just said. You don't want to feel that way. You want to wish her well, and be a better person. That alone proves you are a better person--you can overcome your base instincts. You can't stop those instincts, you can just control what you do about them.

Good luck. Don't knock yourself out for being human. You don't need that added stress.

[radwriter0555]

15. aw honey, you have to start thinking of OTHER things now.. It's time

to put GOOD thoughts back into your head and to not let the negative thoughts take over.

When you find yourself thinking negatively, make an effort to replace those thoughts with a something nice, something that is pleasant and something that makes you happy. It's not good to poison your head with negativity. You gotta let the SUNSHINE baby!

Wallow a little more, then..... and I mean this nicely, move on.

You need good, positive vibes in your life, not the toxicity of "her".

You can create your own happiness, but you have to replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

[2008]

16. it's ok to be bitter and vindictive toward a problem ex

life is too short to waste time holding yourself to too high a standard

if she's determined to hit rock bottom, you might as well have some fun watching it happen

save your warmth and charity for those who deserve it

[JVS]

17. YOU HAVE TO STOP GIVING A SHIT!

[wildhorses]

18. Robb, sounds pretty normal to me...

You will have to work things out for yourself and this will not be on anyone's time table but your own. You might want to think about some Al-Anon and some open AA meetings...they were a big help to me at a very painful time in my life. :hug:

[IdaBriggs]

20. Welcome to the Human Race! Sometimes we have "bad thoughts"

or at least those that we aren't particularly proud of but its only when we either obsess about them or actually DO something about them that we become "bad people" (unless you are Catholic, in which case you've got a whole bunch of other problems).

As a human being, you have been gifted with a full range of emotions. Some of them are Unpleasant, but we have them for a reason. Anger and Pain, for example, allow us to know when "something isn't right" -- think of someone who can't feel the physical sensation of "pain" who doesn't know when his hand is being burned on a stove -- NOT GOOD.

So, the ability to feel "pain" increases our survival rates. Anger is our heads acknowledging that "something isn't right here" so that we can change things. It doesn't mean we grab a gun or anything; it just tells us that we have been "unfairly treated" so that we can take steps to correct the situation.

You are angry and that is good. You'll get past it. In the meantime, revel in it a little bit, distract yourself with "how low can my bad thoughts go" type thoughts (be creative! one of my "revenge" fantasies involved breaking the fingers of my guitar playing cheating ex once -- now that helped me work through A LOT of the issues!), and then release them. You are entitled to feel Angry -- you SHOULD feel angry because you were Taken Advantage Of and Somebody Didn't Appreciate You Properly, and if you weren't Angry a little bit, then you would be An Idiot.

As a happy ending to the story of my Guitar Playing Cheating Ex, he had introduced me to one of his best friends, who ended up becoming my husband. Peace was declared between us (after the relationship with the other woman that had ended our relationship ended), and we renewed our friendship with apologies from him for behaving like a snake, and he ended up standing in our wedding. My husband was his best man at his wedding, and I *really* like his wife -- I even threw her baby shower! Everything ended up working out, even though there were some painful and bumpy times in between. And my "mean thoughts" (which I shared with him later) didn't end the world, or cause the sky to fall -- in fact, we laughed about them later because after all "breaking his fingers" was a very creative revenge fantasy.

:evilgrin: