Boy, I've changed. Met a great gal but won't pursue her 'cause she smokes-

[zonkers]

Anyone else face this situation? It wouldn't have been a deal breaker 5 years ago. I'm good with just "being friends". And it's not my place to encourage someone to quit. That's their business, right?

[Crazy Dave]

1. I don't know...

...if that's her only bad habit that's a plus in my opinion. I'd say it's my wife's only bad habit and I'm not exaggerating about it either. When it comes to putting up with partners that argue, cheat, drink excessively, don't help contribute to the household finances, spend too much money, complain, complain, complain, I'll take the smoking any day.

[zonkers]

4. Good point. Don't know if that's her only bad one. Maybe being

friends for a while will inform me.

[Crazy Dave]

6. It's the most fair thing for both of you

People can break bad habits easier than bad personalities. I mentioned in post #5 how quickly most people won't or don't give others a chance, that everyone else should change and make compromises just to please them. In my opinion, it would be unfair to the lady if she wants to meet and be with a great guy but the guy doesn't think she deserves to be with him and she's less than a normal person "because she smokes".

Good luck and keep us posted :hi:

[SlavesandBulldozers]

2. one thing I've found after I quit

is that there always seems to be a tension between smokers and non. particularly from the smokers. maybe i'm making it up, I don't know. not that there's arguments or anything, it just seems like smokers unwittingly prefer to be with their own of something. I've been considering making the same decision you have, no smokers.

[Crazy Dave]

5. I smoked when I first met my wife but quit about a year later

Like I mentioned previously, she's the best, most hard working and most unselfish person I've ever been with in my life. She smokes, she's considerate about where and when and I don't pressure her about it.
But I'm also one of the rare few that doesn't insist that others be or act a certain way just to suit me, it goes both ways in my opinion.

[Downtown Hound]

13. Smoking itself is sort of a bonding experience

Because nowadays, you have to go outside with all the other smokers to light up. Naturally conversations get started and people make friends. That's why I think there's sort of an us vs. them mentality. I smoked for a number of years, and I'd have to say that's the thing I miss most about it. That feeling of going out to enjoy a cigarette with other people.

[SlavesandBulldozers]

17. exactly. it's that bonding experience.

that gets lost. I miss that too, in a way. Being able to breathe is just going to have to make up for it;)

[Haole Girl]

3. Well, at least let her know...in a non-judgmental way...

..that way, if she wants to she can quit. She might be thinking about quiting, anyway...you never know? :shrug:

[skygazer]

7. I think it's good to recognize your needs in a relationship

My SO smoked when I first met him and it gave me pause, I'll admit. I found out that he only smoked outdoors, and infrequently so I decided to date him and he quit about a year later. Had he been a heavy smoker or smoked in his vehicle or house, I might have decided otherwise.

When I was younger, most of that stuff didn't matter so much. Now, though I certainly don't expect my partner to be just like me (which would be boring), I don't want someone who smokes or votes Republican, drinks too much or uses hard drugs. I don't think that's too much to ask.

[Arugula Latte]

8. Yeah -- smoking is a hard one to overlook. n/t

[calico1]

9. For me it is a deal breaker.

The smell of cigarettes makes me nauseous so I can't see having a relationship with someone who smokes.

[wildhorses]

10. I met a guy on a dating website. He contacted me and I read his

profile. For smoking he had checked "trying to quit". I smoked on and off for years but, I have been QUIT for about 6. Well, I went out with this guy. He did not smoke for the first couple of dates. We talked via phone several times a day. He lives about 45 minutes away. We got to be really close. On the third date he smoked a couple of cigs in the course of the date when we were outside. Long story short, I really like the guy. We have been seeing each other since July and things have progressed to the big L word. His smoking, as far as I can tell, his is only vice. He treats me like a QUEEN (yeah, I know THAT won't last forever). He is hard-working and kind. It is hard, I admit, to be around the smell and taste of it. I wish to GOD he would quit. Hell, he waited until he was 28 to start *WTF*. I despise the smoke. It gags me. He is very considerate and only smokes outside or while driving his vehicle. I am NOT going to let go of the BEST man I have found just because of this one nasty habit albeit a nasty one, not to mention, BAD for his health. That is the heart-break, knowing that it is KILLING him. He has smoker's cough and skin. I care for this man. I want the best for this man. What can I do?

any other words I sympathize with your predicament...:shrug:

[Crazy Dave]

15. My good friend WH

If you want somebody to change for you...I can guarantee failure in the relationship or maybe he'll demand you change something about yourself down the road. Lose some weight, change your hair, I don't like your friends, yadda, yadda. Would you like that? You have to accept people for what they are already, not what they can be or hoping that they'll change later. As I mentioned previously about my beloved MrsDTW, she smokes as she did when I met her, so did I, I quit but that was my choice and it doesn't mean she has to so therefore I don't pressure her about it nor do I look down on her for it. She's still the same person as when I fell in love with her so why would I want to change anything about her? Except for my own selfish reasons.

She's a grown adult who chooses to smoke, I'm a grown adult who can get over it and worry about my own deficiencies.

[wildhorses]

18. oh, I am not trying to change him. Really, I'm not. I have only

mentioned it a couple of times. I had to mention the "trying to quit" thing...cos actually THAT was a down right LIE. Come to find out "trying to quit" is an euphemism for "smokes like a freight train" who knew:shrug: but, ALL the smokers just KNOW.

I know I am far from perfect and would never give him an old tomato (ultimatum).

This is the best guy to come around I ain't about to give him up over the cigs. He can have them all he wants. He is a very considerate smoker and, like you said, I have my own deficiencies.

No matter :pals:

Remember I work in the medical field and I know what smokin does. So as much as I wish EVERYONE (including your lovely wife:P) would quit smoking I am not about to go around telling them.

[Crazy Dave]

19. I'm so glad to hear that then

And even happier for you that you've found somebody great and are smart enough not to let them get away if you can help it. I can't get into other people's heads but it's hard for me to put a considerate smoker on the same level as someone who might be a racist bigot, alcoholic, drug abuser, ex-spouse abuser, someone who doesn't like animals, a right-winger, a thief, etc. Things that would certainly be a deal breakers to even a tolerant, compromising and considerate person like myself but I guess smoking is of the same importance or the equivalent to others. Got to respect that, don't have to agree with it. Allergies and nauseousness are quite understandable though.

Anyhow, good luck to you two crazy kids :hug: :hi:

[zonkers]

20. Thank you DTW and everyone else. Feels good to get some feedback.

[wildhorses]

22. thanks and the same to you and yours!!

:hug:

[ElboRuum]

23. Only one thing TO do...

Encourage him to quit... but if you want to stay with him you have to be willing to accept the possibility that he won't.

[MrScorpio]

11. She can quit, you know?

It's not impossible

[RebelOne]

12. I dated a guy who ran a non-smoking seminar

but he did not try to talk me out of smoking. In fact, he even bought me a pack of cigarettes and then said to me, "Why did I do that."

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

14. I have done the same,

There was a girl in University who I was crazy about named Meagan - but she was the most disgusting smoker I have ever seen in my life. But just the thought of being physically close to her made me ill. She smoked like she had a date with the electric chair in half an hour.

She was really smart, attractive, funny and just plain fun to be around - but I could just not take the non-stop smoking.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

16. If it's a deal breaker for you, then it's a deal breaker.

It is for me -- I won't date anyone who smokes, period. Even if Keanu Reeves declared his everlasting love, I'd have to pass. I don't like addictions and the smell/taste that goes with smokers just disgusts me. :shrug:

I haven't dated a smoker in 25 years. During that time I have met many wonderful guys who are smokers who I would have dated otherwise. But a deal breaker is just that -- I would no sooner date a smoker than a heroin addict or a coke head. It's harsh but there it is.

I learned a really great little test from a pop relationship book that I have found to be 100% effective. Think about the person you are interested in and ask yourself the folowing questions: If you knew that person was never going to change who they are in anyway for the rest of their lives, would you still want to be with them? -- in other words, the person they are right now is the person they'll be in 60 years. And would you want your children to grow up and be exactly like that person?

A person can change and will change in their lives, but you cannot assume they will and look to that to make you start/stay in a relationship.

I would hang with her and, should she decide to quit for reasosn unrelated to dating you, I would make a move.

[alarimer]

21. too me it is very unattractive

I find it gross to be around someone who smokes. I could certainly never kiss them, which might be a problem in a relationship.

[crim son]

24. I could not make it work with somebody who lacked the

desire to take care of their own health. Then, smokers smell like smoke. They mightn't realize it but they do, and it's unpleasant. Lastly, I couldn't kiss a smoker unless they'd just brushed their teeth, and anybody who smokes and drinks coffee has a mouth that smells like a garbage dump. Sad but true. For me it would absolutely be a dealbreaker.