Man trouble: I crave a hero, and all of them are taken!

[hsher]

Ladies, I hereby confess I'm having man trouble. I'm dating a guy right now, and there's a guy who flirts with me every once in awhile online (but he's Tucker Carlson, so that doesn't count), but I'm not attracted to either candidate. I find myself sighing, longing, gazing away out the window wishing for a very different man from the types who approach me every day.

Is it my survivalist, park ranger Native American-wannabee but actually Jewish current-date, who looks exactly like a cross between Jon Stewart and Edward Norton? (And ladies, before you ask "What could possibly be wrong with something like that?", add in that he completely lacks a sense of humor, is grim, and acts like Joe Friday - I'm deadly serious - and so IS HE) Is it *him*? Nope...

Is it Tucker "I seem to be forgetting I'm married sometimes when I talk to you" Carlson? Married, yecchh. And four kids. Automatic disqualification. No...

The men I long for late at night, and during the day too, include:

Patrick Fitzgerald... sigh
Jon Stewart... dreamy... but married with two kids... I can smell the spit-up already... pass
Stephen Colbert, if he were straight... married yeah right... wake up Evelyn
Passionate activists
Passionate Socialists
Passionate men defying evil governments in other lands
Desperate Israeli rebels hiding with guns in hills
Abbie Hoffman... dead, but dreamy
Leonard Bernstein... dead, gay, married... talk about triangulation

They just don't make em like ANYTHING anymore. Guys, this is not a slam on you. There are girls near you right now dying for you to ask them out (so go do it!)... this is just about poor picky me and my tragic longings... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm considering trying lesbianism, because it seems the truly daring, dynamic souls out there are either already snatched up by Stepford Wives (a la Stewart) or they're WOMEN. What's a single Gen X girl to do? Why do I wish I could be swept into the eyes of a hero? Someone brave and daring?

Why are liberal men so lackadaisacal and uninterested in us liberal women?
Why don't liberal men take chances, hammer out "a personal shape", and do brave exploits?
Why are there no heroes? Why won't lib men become one?

I have to admit, Tucker's a conservative twit... but he's also very much *a man*, and you have no idea how that sometimes appeals to me at night in some of those phone discussions. I hate his politics, but over the phone, that confidence, and that devilish chuckle...? Heart be still. And the bastard knows it. I'd never date him even if my life depended on it, even if he became deliriously single tomorrow morning - there's just no way I could, with those politics - but he's a rakish, charming roue who would be right at place gambling on a Natchez riverboat and talking women out of their petticoats, and he knows it. Sometimes, in a world of liberal guys, that's as appealing as sneaking some chocolate ice cream... it's just DAMN: I'm tired of seeing swell guys like Stewart, Colbert, Conan and such marry off with beaming empty-headed Stepford Fembots in Givenchy as soon as their sacks drop, and us being all alone. The heroes are all taken. Is there nobody, nothing else? Am I whining? Yep...

Any other gals havin' those Needin' A Hero Blues? Somebody call me a waaaambulance.