A question from Tuesday's child: How do you make yourself fall out of love

[In_The_Wind]

with someone you've honestly been in love with for over half of your life?

I've been rolling that problem over in my mind for the past 500 miles. As I read your suggestions after check-in tonight perhaps the rest of my miles north and back south again will be easier.


Thanks for your help.
Joani

[Phillycat]

1. Can I ask a question? Why aren't you with this person? nt

[In_The_Wind]

7. I'll never be thin enough, wild enough or younger than I am.

We broke up 28 years ago but he left me a letter telling me how much he felt he owed me and how much my love meant to him. He ask me to look him up in 20 years.
I found him again last summer but waited until his birthday this year to contact him.

After visiting him four times this summer I'm beginning to think the healthiest thing I can do now is find a way to turn my love for him into nothing more than a friendship as he has given up on being in love again.

[Phillycat]

12. Hold on, I'm confused

Are YOU saying you'll never been thin enough, wild enough, etc? Or is HE saying that?

Who broke it off 28 years ago, and why? And why did he tell you to look him up in 20 years?

What happened during the 4 visits? Was it a lover situation or friendship? Is there someone else for either of you?

[In_The_Wind]

14. Obviously - so am I.

He works as a councilor in a methadone clinic and the clients that he talks about are the women who are young and beautiful. He said he would never attempt to date any of them because it wouldn't be appropriate but from the way he talks about them shows that he is attracted to them.

The woman he lived with for a few years after I broke-up with him was or became bulimic, now I understand why.

Yes, I broke-up with him. I did so because he was cheating on me.

While we were living together I gently pushed him to complete his college education which is partially why he left me the letter that I still have after so many years. He also thanked me for showing him how to love and trust again after his wife broke his heart by cheating on him.

Our first reunion this year was as lovers. The sad truth is that he is a diabetic and also takes antidepressants so even with the help of viagra he doesn't enjoy sex anymore with anyone. It's been years since he's been with anyone he's loved. Sexual relationships only frustrate him. On the following 3 visits we were together for days but only as loving friends without sexual contact of any kind. No, there isn't any romantic relationship for either of us. He hasn't dated in years.

[Phillycat]

43. Wow.

That is a whole lot of mess, isn't it?

I do believe that you love this man, and I believe in some way that he loves you too, or as much as he's able to.

There are obviously huge red flags and problems in what you wrote, and I know you're not a stupid person, so I'm sure you're as aware of them as I am. I'm not going to try to explain to you exactly what's wrong with this guy.

But I will say this, in answer to your original question, the way that you get over this guy, is to get better and happier with yourself. He is not worthy of you and I'm sure you're aware of that. It is easy to say "Have more self-esteem" but extremely difficult in practice. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but I'm just reminding you that if you were truly happy and had strong self-awareness and self-worth, you would fall in love with someone who could be your equal on an emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical level, and who would not play games or cheat.

My very best to you. I have been where you are, and may be there again. I have nothing but compassion and support for you.

[MnFats]

86. if i may be so bold...as an aside..

...there's a lot two people can do without a diamond-cutter, if you catch my drift.
I know that's maybe a small part of your concerns but...might mention that to him.
sometimes you just start out with a long setting of affection and the diamond-cutter arrives on its own.

[In_The_Wind]

99. I'd rather not be just going through the motions.

I was smilin' but he was just there to please me it worked but it was a bit shallow.
I told him I'd rather pass on a repeat performance. Perhaps that disappointed him.

[billyskank]

2. Given my extremely limited experience

but the only way I know to get over any kind of infatuation with a person, is to get a new infatuation with another person.

If you've been in love with this guy for so long then I guess you're never going to forget him.

:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

15. I've tried that.

I registered with match.com back in 2001 and subsequently 8 other dating sites. After 3 years of meeting guys for coffee dates I decided that wasn't the way for me to find the right man for me.

I'm never going to forget him, I just want to start looking at him as a friend and stop waiting for him to wake-up and realize that happiness is standing right in front of him. WE have wonderful times together. I don't want to give that up now that we are spending time together again.

Thanks for always being there to PM with me.

[billyskank]

56. I think you should do that

You can't wait for him to wake up - he may never. People can be extremely stupid (I know I can) especially in matters of the heart.

I can't advise you how to find a partner - hell, I can't find one for myself. I'm here for you Joani.

:hug:

[acmavm]

3. Eventually (after a long long time) it just becomes a bittersweet

memory.

[In_The_Wind]

21. It had become a sweet memory until I looked him up. Damn cyber space!

I was afraid of what would happen when we saw each other again. I had hoped to find him healthy, happy and bouncing his grandchildren on his knee.

He'll never be just a memory as long as he is alive and we continue to stay in touch. I don't want to say goodbye again. I don't believe we have the time to wait for another 20 year reunion.

[XemaSab]

52. Well shit,

my former SO got married, had kids, and got divorced all in the last 4 years.

But the shitty part was seeing all the pictures of the wife and kids.

Like, can you say bummer? :shrug:

[In_The_Wind]

58. BUMMER

I stopped looking for information about an old studmuffin' because i truly no longer care what or who he does.

I'm sorry you had to find out about your old SO like that.

[NewWaveChick1981]

4. I don't know that you can.

:hug: You can stop thinking about them, stop talking to them, and you can even try hating them, but it usually doesn't die. :( It can fade, however, and it's the next best thing. :pals:

[In_The_Wind]

22. I've managed to fall out of love a few guys ...

and all of my ex-husbands. I'm an incurable romantic, I love being in-love. There is something about sharing that I truly enjoy. A sunset alone isn't quite as beautiful, a wonderful supper is somehow tasteless, a movie is :shrug: I could continue but you get the idea.

I can be happy alone but not when it's all of the time.

[skygazer]

5. I'm not sure that you can

But personally I've been able to put the feeling into another perspective. A lot depends on your relationship with them, I guess. In my case, the person is a dear friend, probably the dearest one I have. But I've gone from sorrow over what I don't have (a full, partnered relationship with them) to joy over what I do - a wonderful friend who is ALWAYS there for me. Really, the only thing I don't have with this person is sex - and honestly, I can get sex anywhere.

I've come to realize that I have the best of both worlds - I have a great SO who I love and who understands that my friend is extremely important to me, and I have a wonderful friend who I also love.

I hope you find the way. :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

23. Some of the best friends in my life were my former lovers.

Unfortunately I can't have it both ways with him, friends & lovers.

We'll be wonderful friends if I can stop myself from wanting more than a friendship. I believe I'll always love him but I can't continue wanting anything more than a a good friend or I may ruin what we do have.

Thanks for everything you've shared, skygazer. There is a great deal of wisdom in your words.

[insane_cratic_gal]

6. You don't

You simply accept that said person isn't going to return your love as you would like them to.

Once you accept that, you'll realize that said type of love is a very lonely sort of love yet still can exist, eventually it stops hurting so much once you let go of the expectation of what you had dreamed would happened vs the reality.

Does that make sense? I hope i'm functioning on very little sleep and coffee lol

[In_The_Wind]

24. You've made plenty of sense.

Thank you, insane_cratic_gal.
It is my expectations I need to change and things will work out.

[speedoo]

8. Deep down, you already know this Joani, I'm sure.

But there is no way to make yourself fall "out of love" just as there is no way to make yourself fall in love.

Love is probably the biggest mystery of life.

Time is the only thing that helps. That and taking care of yourself... emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Sorry, but that's the best I can do.:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

25. Thanks for your kind words and the hug.

It's the 'taking care of myself' when I'm depressed that's the difficult part.

[speedoo]

45. Joani, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Sometimes I wonder whether the depression causes me to not take care of myself, or if it's the other way around. Because they definitely go together, for me anyway.

I guess what matters is, I have control over taking care of myself. The depression may be another matter entirely.

What should be obvious to you from this thread is that you have a lot of good friends here. Who care about you very much.:hug: :loveya:

[BarenakedLady]

9. I have no idea

:shrug:

I don't think you can make yourself fall out of love with someone all at once. It is a long, slow, grueling process of time and distance and trying like hell to think about other things. It isn't easy.

[In_The_Wind]

27. I've managed to get over others but there is something about him.

I don't want to lose his friendship now that we have found each other again.

Thanks, BarenakedLady

[Lydia Leftcoast]

10. I wish I knew the secret

because I tend to take a long time to get over people.

The only thing that has helped AT ALL is considering the ways in which other people have treated me better than the object of my affections has. :-(

[In_The_Wind]

29. I wish I could understand why it's so difficult for some of us.

Why do we find the wrong guys to connect with so deeply? And Why is it so hard to get over them? x( I've been afraid to trust anyone since my heart was unexpectedly broken 5 years ago. At least I'm willing to openly explore the problems I'm having with my old love. We are being honest with one another even when it hurts.

I wish Good Luck to both of us for happier times.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

37. Thanks!

Back at ya. :hug:

The only time I was ever able to get over someone spontaneously (this was a crush, not a relationship) was when I saw indications that his relationship with his daughter was well, iffy. It was like a light switching off. Snap! No more attraction!

Actually, all but one of the men I actually had relationships were fine. In two cases, I broke up with them because of extreme differences in wavelength. One rejected me, and the other relationships broke up due to miscellaneous external circumstances.

I wish I could get over crushes more easily, but in my age group, there's a distinct lack of alternatives.

[ThomCat]

11. Time. Will Power. And Patience.

I don't know of any other way. Sorry. :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

32. So I need to become superwoman?

At our age, I don't know how much time either of us still have. He isn't well.
Will Power Not where he's concerned.
And Patience ~ I don't have any choice. It will all work out in time if I don't drive myself (or him) crazy in the process.

Thanks, ThomCat :loveya:

[Chan790]

13. I managed it once...it sucked as badly as the pain

I was displacing though.

Think of the worst action you can think of, something so awful and beyond the pale that you can't possibly mention it here, combining 15 or 20 deep-held personal taboos or lines-you'd-never-cross. Then every time you think of the person, think of them doing that action. You'll feel better eventually.

It helps if you find a new sugarmuffin too to displace the first guy.

[In_The_Wind]

54. A new sugarmuffin would help a great deal.

The easiest way to get over an old love it to find a new one.

I'm due a good mr. rightnow.

[wildhorses]

16. ....

:hug: no words of wisdom here just plenty of these :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

34. Let's not break any hearts tonight! Girl's Night Out!

[Stardust]

50. I LUV her!!!

[In_The_Wind]

61. Wildhorses is a wonderful friend.

She is genuine in her caring nature.

We had supper and a few beers together before we climbed into a jacuzzi that we added essential oils to for a few hours while we laughed 1/2 the night away. :thumbsup: I feel better today.

[wildhorses]

65. that jacuzzi was the shit--

relaxed every muscle in my body:thumbsup:

good food, good company, hot water=GREAT TIMES:bounce:


travel safe today my friend:hug:

[wildhorses]

64. who me??

:):hug::hi:

[Stardust]

66. Actually, I was referring to the dancing girl -- but you're cool, too!

[wildhorses]

67. now that makes more sense--I was dazed and confused but

still feelin' the love;)


and BTW--Welcome to DU:hi:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

17. Don't try to ditch the love...

Love is wonderful, and is not to blame for your unhappiness.

What you need to let go of is the fantasy that you cling to. You've mentioned many reasons why this fantasy cannot be a reality. So let it go, and enjoy the love you have for each other.

I'm sorry you're hurting... :hug::hug::hug:

[In_The_Wind]

19. I do enjoy being with him. The time we're together is good for both of us.

I get a little sad over the years we've missed.
I get a lot sad about the wall he seems so intent on building between us.
As I was digging through my shoes on Friday night for something to wear out to super he noticed my boots and made a point of telling me there was a nearby town where a single woman could enjoy wearing those boots around real southern cowboys. He is trying to push me toward meeting someone else and I called him on it the next day because it hurt. He said he wanted to maintain his freedom. He's lived alone for the past 6 years and wants to keep it that way. He seemed happier when I said I'm shipping my trike south because I don't intend to sit at home waiting for him.

Thanks for the hugs and the advice, GoddessOfGuinness :loveya:

[mark414]

18. intensive brain surgery

[In_The_Wind]

20. That may be my only option.

That and a few beers every night until I can screw my head back on right. Know any good surgeons?
I don't understand why ~ Love hurts!

[mark414]

48. or you could move to nevada

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=5742392&mesg_id=5742392

[In_The_Wind]

55. I'll move there if the law is passed!

It's warm and the air will be very pleasant to the nose.

[bridgit]

26. never say "no" to love...

;)

[In_The_Wind]

28. I'm not the one saying "no".

He is because he's been hurt by the ladies he's known since we said goodbye.

:hi: I really do need my DU friends now more than ever before.

I think everything will be okay after I move all my stuff to Florida. I have always gotten depressed when I drive away from there. I think I belong there with or without him. I also have a stepson living in Fort Lauderdale who knows I'm moving down. He'll be a big comfort too.

[bridgit]

31. hm, well, this one is different from before yes, and you may be right...

in fact i'll bet you dollars to donuts you are; it's better to be 'thee' river than 'a' rock...let it flow = be where you need to be 1st is my thought & what flows from that will be better is my other thought...i've got one of those, "yeah well, they're all the same." guys too :eyes: that's where chicks like you & me come in ;)

:hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya:

[In_The_Wind]

73. This chick is takin' it on the road as soon as the trike is shipped!

After I rest a day or two from being out on the road since late March. I want to visit the Everglades again. I'm not going to be able to stay in the city for long.



I gotta say good night because I'm going to sleep. It's been a very long day but I really needed a hug from my parrot before I went to bed tonight. It's nice to be home.






As for the guys = they'll figure it out someday.

[Mrs.Matcom]

33. Joani

Don't forget the love...Don't forget the man...but most of all don't forget YOURSELF!!! don't let the pain drag you down. You are very much loved here and I wish you all the best! :hug: :hug: :hug:

L

[In_The_Wind]

35. Oh! Mrs.Matcom!

Reading those words from you brings tears to my eyes. :cry:

Thank you

[Mrs.Matcom]

46. Ah, no!

unless they are tears of joy! Sounds like you have cried yourself an ocean already! Now dry your eyes sweetheart and hold your chin up high! nothing turns a man on like a confident woman!!! :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

59. I was shocked to see so many DUers here giving me support.

I needed the feedback I've gotten.


I was beginning to feel very alone out here. I miss my parrot and feeling someone's arms around me. It's time for me to find a mr. rightnow and stop worrying about mr. sixmonthsfromnow.

:loveya: Your post did bring tears of joy from seeing you here. Thank you for everything.

[Mrs.Matcom]

68. You are more

than welcome!! you know I care for you :) just remember to take care of yourself first, the rest will fall into place. And yes, the Duers are awesome peeps! :hug: :loveya:

[Deja Q]

30. A cliff and a faulty parachute?

:hide:

Time, actually. And distractions.

[In_The_Wind]

60. I'll have lots of distractions this winter.

On my next drive south I'll be bring my Blue & Gold Macaw with me. As you know there is nothing like birdlove! I'll be shipping my trike down so I'll get plenty of fresh air while I'm looking for an apartment an hour away from mr. fullofhimself. The only think I'll be missing until I move is having a smoke from time to time. The November 1st rental is a smoke-free environment.



:loveya:

[cobalt1999]

36. You don't.

Been in love 5 times (married to #5)and I've never fallen out of love with any of them. Sure the relationships ended for good reasons, but I still love them.

[In_The_Wind]

62. I fully understand what you're saying.

I've never been able to stop loving anyone important in my life. The reasons I fell in love didn't evaporate just because we decided to go separate ways.

Thank you for sharing your past experiences. I'm happy to hear that # 5 was a keeper. :thumbsup:

[reyd reid reed]

38. I don't think you can.

You can try. You can rationalize. You can attempt to distance those feelings and push them aside...but you can't make yourself stop feeling.

You don't Want to make yourself stop feeling. Feeling...pain, love, passion, joy, pleasure...that's what makes us what we are. Makes us who we are. That, and opposable thumbs, are what makes us human.

Stop loving? No. Getting past a love who doesn't return your feelings? It can be done. I guess. It's painful -- god, it's agonizing, but I think it can be done.

Distance + time = ???

I don't know. I'm hopeful, though.

[In_The_Wind]

80. Thanks, reyd reid reed.

I guess what I really want to do is ~ be able to enjoy what we have now without wanting more that is possible. Our time together as lovers has passed and once the transition is into a friendship I never return to being lovers again. He had two chances in the romance arena and blew them both. I'm sure we'll do just fine as friends.

[idgiehkt]

39. I don't know.

I'm starting to suspect that the myths we are sold about love have to do with compulsory monogamy which is cultural and that human emotions are so much more complex and varied than that. My most recent ex I don't think I will ever be 'over' so to speak...not in the way I expected to be, and every time we talk on the phone it is just like we broke up yesterday. The love is still there. There will never be another person in my life to replace her in the special place she has in my heart. If it was going to happen it would have happened by now. I mean, I have a big heart, and there is lot of room for other people, and that was a damaging and destructive relationship that I don't want to go back to; thank goodness there is ten hours between us now. I carried a torch for one certain woman for ten years, but that started when I was really young and I am not as impressed with her as I was then, so I'm relieved about that because I felt like I just had to have her and she was way 'out of my league' or whatever...at the time I thought that but now I don't actually feel that way. I really appreciate you sharing this stuff because I'm kind of in a strange place with my feelings about someone else right now and this time I am really trying to not attach any values or judgement to it at all; like, this is the way I feel, and that's just the way it is, and so be it. I'm not going to run around being ashamed for having feelings or infatuation or whatever. It just is what it is. I can feel alot of things about a lot of people and as long as I don't harm anyone then that's fine. But it is kind of like this pain and this empty place that you expect to be filled...but if it ever does get filled it won't be up to me it will be on it's own time cycle and kind of up to the universe.

[In_The_Wind]

81. Time has a way of making the old pains of loss fade.

I don't think it's possible to fall entirely out of love. The good traits still exist however in this case the relationship breakers have grown even bigger and I'm not willing to overlook them. He admits to having intimate relations with nearly 400 women in his lifetime and he is still looking although these days he stops there. It wasn't the right thing 28 years ago with a friend of ours. I don't care to watch the same antics again in my future.

[RetroLounge]

40. Find someone else, quickly.

say, a bearded poetic type guy, maybe one with leather pants and tons of books, then have a hot weekend fling with him, show him what a real woman can do, then just leave him wondering what hit him. :D

Seriously, if I had the answers, I'd write a best seller about it.

:hug: = best I can do...

RL

[In_The_Wind]

82. Find someone else, quickly & have a fling to wipe out all old memories!

He admits that a foxy young body brings out the dog in him :evilgrin: but he doesn't have those little white lines to attract the after hours beauties these days, too bad for him. He seems to remember those as the days when "a good time was had by all". I never saw things his way and boy am I glad. It's too bad he didn't grow up as he grew older.






now ... about that bearded poetic type guy, with leather pants and tons of books Where would I find him?

[TrogL]

41. reorient your thinking

eg.

You liked him because he was free-spirited. You now hate him because he wouldn't settle down.
You liked him because he had wavy dark hair. You now like blondes.
He was your drinking buddy....until you quit drinking.

[In_The_Wind]

83. oy

He was lots of fun!
I still am while he's become a stick in the mud.

[Sugar Smack]

42. Trust Me.

It WILL get better. :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

84. It already has.

I'm not going to be looking at snowflakes this winter!
And I've decided to look for a one bedroom apartment somewhere in south Florida. I need a place to leave my winter shorts until I stop heading north for the hurricane season. :hi:

[begin_within]

44. I started a thread simliar to this a few weeks ago - here is that one:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=5684462

Also, try this web site for a lot of advice:

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/index.php

Basically. my opinion is, to make yourself "fall out of love" with someone, I think you have to separate yourself from that person for a period of time, with no contact of any kind with that person, and during that time you have to "cry it out" a few times. Each crying spell is a big step forward in falling out of love with them. During that time period, you need to fill your life up with other things you want to do with your life - don't fill it up with other romantic relationships, just other goals you have. At the end of that separation period, you will have to decide whether you want to see that person any more or not. Usually it is better to not see them any more, because if you do see them and interact with them, the feelings might build up again and you'll be right back where you started. But only you can decide whether you want to continue having that person in your life or not. But the separation period, especially when it involves grieving for a relationship that you once had (or never had) is essential. No contact with that person whatsoever, during that period, or it won't work.

[In_The_Wind]

87. I think I was traveling back then.

I'm doomed! My car & a favorite house plant is at his place for the next few weeks.

[crim son]

47. I don't know how to do it, Joani. But find a way

so you can move on with your life. It's hard. :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

88. Transitioning into a friendship isn't always easy.

Sometimes it isn't worth the effort. I hope this isn't one of those times.

I'll be fine after I settle into living in Florida. I was/am just a little overwhelmed with moving to a new place.

[ForrestGump]

49. Everyone's different, but

the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of truly 'getting over' such a person just plain not being a possibility. I wish it were possible. Time can help, and so can you repeatedly telling yourself all of the very good reasons why you're infinitely better off without them, but -- when it comes down to it -- you know what you're trying to pull over on yourself and it's not going to ever banish them completely from your heart.

All we can do is soldier on... :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

90. Have I told you how much I love your awesome red toy?

You seem to have modified your car :thumbsup: love the new passenger and your license plate!





Back to my "been in love with him too long problem" I've been reminding myself of all the good reasons we broke up. We'd never have stayed together. He loved coke, recreational drugs and women way too much.


But he was a sweet young thing 1/2 a lifetime ago. :shrug: Oh well... onward.

[sakabatou]

51. Well when one has been rejected as many times as I have

One heart does not turn into ice, but cold steel.

[In_The_Wind]

91. I got tired of that.

A few years ago I decided having a cold cold heart of steel was a lonely way to spend my life.

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

53. Love truly is a bitch on steroids... especially when it goes bad.

   Joanie, darlin’, first let me say that I do, truly, feel your pain... as much as one person can ever feel another’s pain, that is. :hug:
   As you might know, I had a five-year relationship (the most promising one of my 57+ years) end -- explosively, brutally and nastily -- last January and I’m only now getting over her. I know all too well how hard it is to stop loving someone, even when that someone does everything conceivable to destroy that love. :cry:
   But one thing I’ve learned over the years is that the only way to improve your chances of finding balm for the heart is to deeply involve yourself in those things which give joy to the heart and fulfillment to the soul, and then find your love from those equally involved. At least in this way, you stand a chance of finding someone who shares your most important values, and who finds you to be just perfect in those "trivialities" (size, "wildness" etc)... and from there, who knows?
   One more thing, querida: know that you have the prayers, and much love, from a whole bunch of good-hearted beautiful spirits right here in the DU... and from me, as well! :loveya:
   Please feel free to PM me if/when you feel the need! :loveya:

[In_The_Wind]

92. I wasn't aware of your disappointment or your pain, DarkmoonIkonoklast.

Perhaps a few PMs might help us both.

[Chemical Bill]

57. Love yourself.

It's simple, but it's not easy.

Bill

[In_The_Wind]

72. I do! I do!

That's why I'm moving to one of the places I've always wanted to live. I do spoil myself. I also get angry with myself but most of the time I do love myself.

Thanks Bill :hi:

[merh]

63. Why would I want to fall out of love - why would I want to stop loving?

That would be like losing my sense of taste or sight or hearing or feel, losing one of my senses that makes live pleasurable.

Do I get to taste and enjoy all the foods and drinks I enjoy the most? No, I am grateful that I have known those tastes and hope that I can experience them again.

Do I want to stop feeling just because I have not been "touched" in a very long time? Not me.

I relish the notion that I can actually love, I know many who cannot not. Are there things I see that give me pain and do I poke out my eyes because I don't want the pain, therefore loosing my ability to see all things that give me pleasure?

I am grateful for the gift of love, being able to experience it and know it as well as give it and show it. As a wise man once wrote "Love is sufficient unto love."


:hug:



edited to fix typos x(

[In_The_Wind]

71. Ah (((((((((merh)))))))))

You've known more about this relationship than any other DUer. I think the best answer to this situation is a little more distance until we can become friends again.

I'll be out taking rides and wonderful pictures on most days. Followed by staying home with Frodo on most nights. He's jealous of my time on DU and I miss you guys. I'd like to meet some of the Florida DUers as time goes along. In short ~ I do have a life of my own.





How are you doing? I've truly missed seeing you. :loveya:

[merh]

79. distance is all you can try

but that won't kill what is :hug:

I'm hanging in there still. :)

thanks for askin :pals:

[begin_within]

69. Here's my advice to you, after reading this thread

It sounds like you are hanging some of your happiness on this relationship. That's a common mistake, which I have also made many times, and it's easy to do. You need to re-orient your thinking so that the source of your happiness is you, not him. Make a list of all the things that make you happy. Everything but him. Then focus your time and mental energy on those things instead of on him and that relationship. The goal is to disconnect your personal happiness from that particular relationship.

As far as that particular relationship, there is a mismatch between what you want the relationship to be and what he wants it to be. The relationship will never work while there is such a fundamental mismatch. One of three things must happen to resolve it. (A) He changes what he wants it to be to match what you want it to be. From what you wrote, it sounds like that is not going to happen. So forget that. What you see is what you get, so if you hold the belief that he will change just because you want him to change, drop that belief like a hot spud. Or, (B) You change what you want it to be to match what he wants it to be. This is possible, but difficult, and you may be forever fighting with that part of yourself that still wants it to be what you originally wanted. For example, if you want it to be a sexual relationship and he doesn't, as long as you spend time with him you may be forever fighting those feelings. It will be a big struggle for you. Or, (C) the relationship ends and you go your separate ways, not only in reality but in your minds as well. You let go of him completely. This is also difficult and very painful, but the pain is temporary and eventually is no longer painful.

It is always better to live in reality rather than fantasy, even though that reality may be bitter and not what you wanted it to be. It is better to swallow the bitter pill of reality and move on, than to be stuck in a fantasy of "what might have been" or "what might happen sometime in the future." To live in a fantasy of a relationship that you want to have or wanted to have, but isn't going to happen, is self-defeating behavior and is also a huge waste of valuable time, time that you could be using more wisely on your own life and on new relationships that can and will be what you want. Why waste any more time on someone who doesn't the same relationship you want. It's just spinning your wheels in the mud, when you could be on the highway going somewhere bright and promising.

[In_The_Wind]

70. mr. weaver

May I call you Bob?

Perhaps it's time for us to become better acquainted.

I ride a Honda Goldwing Trike when I'm feeling up to it. I have managed to acquire quite a few ouches through out my active life and that sometimes slowes me down a bit.
At one time I owned a small sailboat which I took out alone most days. I can no longer sail x( but I don't let that prevent me from enjoying the beauty of the sea.

On my first visit to see my old flame, he ask if he could reserve a room with only one bed because he wanted to be close to me. We still enjoy spending the weekends together as we sample different sights and eateries. I don't care to dine alone and he makes an excellent companion. He frequently admits to being very vain so he's always presentable. He quite literally almost partied himself to death, now he's an excellent designated driver. My night vision isn't what it used to be it's better if I have an escort after dark until I become reacclimated to Fort Lauderdale. I lived there for a few months several years ago while my ex-husband and I were refitting a 66 foot sport fishing boat. I'm no stranger to the area but it has changed in the 20 years I've been away from there.

I'm sure I won't be spinning my wheels for too long. I've never wasted too much time doing that in the past.

:hi:

[begin_within]

78. He's sending you mixed signals, and thereby toying with your emotions.

On the one hand, he asks to reserve a room with you because he "wants to be close to you." On the other hand, he encourages you to date other people. He is toying with your emotions, whether he is intending to or not, that's what's happening. Even if he's not trying to confuse you, his actions are confusing and causing emotional distress for you. And you are allowing him to toy with your emotions. He clearly doesn't want the same relationship with you that you want with him. And in the meantime, he's getting what he does want out of this relationship, and you're not getting what you want out of it. Is this the relationship you really want to have? Will this relationship EVER be how you really want it? Wouldn't you rather spend time with someone who loves you, desires you, wants to be with you, is interested in you, excited about you, enthralled with you, and wants the same relationship with you that you want with them? Wouldn't that be better than this relationship?

[In_The_Wind]

94. That's exactly what he's been doing and I been buying into it.

I'll get over him ~ again.
No harm done beyond a few tears shed for what once was.

[Rhiannon12866]

74. Joan, this sounds way too complicated for a DU thread,

but it sounds as if you can also get some welcome wisdom here, as we all can, from sympathetic friends. But the bottom line is that it's up to you, how you feel, what you ultimately want and what you're willing to put up with, and forgive. I'm not that forgiving, but we all mellow with time. It sounds as if you did, but now have some doubts. I'd have to know more before I commented anymore or gave an opinion, but I'm on your side, wish you happiness, no matter what... That's what it's all about, my friend, what makes you happy, and only you can determine that. That's what we all seek, and it's different for every one of us.:-)

Rhiannon:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

95. It was.

But the thread was worth it ... to see how many DUers cared/care about me. I've gotten some very supportive PMs since I started this thread on Tuesday.

I didn't realize it would touch so many people. We've all been in the same spot at one time or another.



Perhaps my old love and I will be able to have a friendship :shrug: I hope so for both of us.
Bottom line ~ my life was better without him.
He killed a lot of brain cells with his alcohol and drug abuse. He thinks "A Good Time Was Had By All" but he's forgotten more than he's remembered. He lost everything while he was active in his addictions. I'm glad I didn't take the trip right along with him.

[Guava Jelly]

75. How do you fall out of love

Ask my Girlfriend.
I have no Idea.
I was in love with one of my best friends in high school...never told her.
still have feelings for her.
I lost touch with her after 1986 and recently found her on classmates.com.
I sent her a message,she replied a short note saying she remembered me.I wrote back and 10 months later this tuesday as a matter of fact.
she finally responded..So I responded..and now no reply..
sigh!

[In_The_Wind]

96. Going back isn't as easy as going forward.

I thought I could trust him to be honest with us both. :shrug: We'll muddle along while we sort it all out.




I have so many places I want to go, so many things I want to see and do. I guess I'll be enjoying the beauty of the world alone for a while longer.

[Eurobabe]

76. self-delete posted 2x

[Eurobabe]

77. Oy, this could be my mother talking...

My mom had maintained contact with her high school sweetheart, (my grandparents made her stop seeing him because he was Catholic) he joined the service and left Ohio. My mom was heartbroken, then she met my Dad (not a good relationship, divorced when I was 4). Creepy thing is they both had the same first name!

Throughout her life, she held this guy L., the high school sweetie, on a pedastal. She finally had him come for a visit in the late early 90s, after not "being with him" for probably 35 yrs. She was smitten with L. again, but he was very non-commital, had been divorced 2X, yada-yada. He would call her periodically and fly up whenever he needed something. He basically used her off and on for about 10 yrs. She was really hurt by this...and we all wondered why she continued to subject herself to his antics. (He would invite to FL, and then tell her at the last minute that he was seeing someone else, or when he was seeing someone, he would call her and tell her that he was unhappy, he wanted to get together -- of course she would listen to him and just be there.) Finally a couple of years ago, she wrote him a scathing email, and told him not to contact her anymore, that she was sick of how he had used her, and mislead her into believing that he wanted a relationship. It finally gave her some closure to the entire episode.

So basically L. dug his own grave, and my mom is a much happier person for not having to deal with his craziness. I think she was in love with L. in her teens, and after that she was in love with the idea of love with L. but after seeing him again, reality smacked her in the face and she realized that it could never have been anything more than it was for them, a teenage romance.

Whevener I needed to fall out of love, I bought the best self-help books, cocooned and journaled. Stayed away from guys romantically, did things for myself. It always worked to clear the fog.

And in 1992, I met the love of my life, next year we celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. He's everything that I could ever ask for, and then some. You have to clear the detritis to allow new things to grow. Sorry you are hurting, but their is a lesson in all of this, depends on whether you are strong enough to embrace the growth. :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

97. Oh No!

I'm not going to waste any time on him. He has a life that I don't want to be part of except for a few short sight seeing trips. He isn't up for the longer ones these days.

We'll work out the kinks in our relationship. The only thing we can try to be is friends. The funny thing is ... my hotels have been only a 10 minutes drive away from his home but he has shown up with his toothbrush and a change of clothes instead of going home after supper. I think that'll change very soon. I enjoy getting up early without trying to avoid waking him.

[StellaBlue]

85. Get married.

nt

[In_The_Wind]

98. NFW

However :shrug: I did fall out of love with my ex-husbands very quickly.

[leftofthedial]

89. Still working on it myself, so hang on a minute . . .

Okay, there.

It's just a matter of falling IN love with someone, or something, else . . .

. . . even if that someone else is yourself and that something else is your freedom.

Think carefully about the fine, fine line that separates "love" from "habit."

[In_The_Wind]

93. It's going to be okay.

I just need to take off my rose colored glasses.
He'll make a better friend than a date. There were so many reasons we broke up years ago, I just forgot about most of them until recently. Selective memory and all that. :shrug: He's pretty but that's not enough and it never was.

BTW I'm not in any big rush to fall in love again. Although :evilgrin: falling in lust a few times wouldn't be a bad idea.