How the f*ck does this keep happening???

[kedrys]

We're dead broke AGAIN...The s.o. and I both have good-paying gigs, but we both suffer from depression, and sometimes it's really hard to put in the hours. I'm trying to get more freelance stuff, but we're literally at the ramen noodle part of the event. We're in debt up to our eyeballs, the house needs foundation repairs before we can sell it, even if we could afford to move, and the s.o. had a full-on meltdown this morning for the second time this week - the pull the covers over the head and whimper for half an hour curled up in a ball kind of meltdown.

The settlement regarding the ex-house turns out to have done more harm than good 18 months on; our credit ratings have sunk to ridiculous depths because of circumstances related to the case but outside our control. All lawyers and engineers must die (not really, but sometimes that's how I feel).

I'm nuking myself with Xanax just to keep on a semi-even keel, but it turns me into a veg if I'm not careful. I might have a shot at a lot better job at the same place where I'm working, but I'm worried I'm not going to make the cut because I'm so gelled out.

Frankly, I have no idea how I'm even able to function. This isn't me. I don't like it. I need a break. I have NO space left inside my head. I don't wanna be a grownup anymore, it sucks.

Sigh.

Thank you for the venting venue. I feel marginally better.

[graywarrior]

1. Been there.

Don't have any answers for you, but therapy seems to help.

[kedrys]

2. We can't afford our therapist

He sees us at a cut rate once or twice a month - actually, the s.o.'s been going for years, but I've gone a few times to get my meds tuned up. We owe the guy 3 grand because he's an airhead when it comes to insurance stuff, but at least he hasn't been hassling us about it.

Thanks for holding my paw for a minute. I do appreciate it. Hope you're doing better.

[amitten]

4. Keep working at it. Things ALWAYS get better.

Can you do some spiritual soul-searching? Do you believe in God or any other divinity? Sometimes when you have nothing left it feels good to just pray...
:shrug:

What about friends/family...any help there?

[Floogeldy]

6. U so nice.

;)

[RetroLounge]

3. Aw geez, can I relate...

We have tried for 5 months to sell the house, and we can't.

Now we are moving back into it.

I stopped the Xanax for the exact reason you mentioned. I became a veg...

:hug:

rl

[kedrys]

10. I'd like to stay here, but I may end up divorced if I do

The street has got a *lot* louder since we moved in, and the neighbors are borderline obnoxious. The s.o. is hypersensitive to sound, especially bass, but I'm the one who has to go next door to talk to the neighbors or call the cops when stuff I can't always hear gets too loud.

I sleep fine with earplugs in, and then I get ragged for getting a good night's sleep despite the street noise. I can't win or even break even, it seems.

Thanks for the good words. I know you've been through a huge amount of BS yourself. :hug:

[Floogeldy]

5. www.daveramsey.com

:)

[Bossy Monkey]

7. Recommend flushing the Xanax, as it's addictive

and increasingly so as time goes on.
This is the Talking Back to Prozac guy. He seems a little obsessive himself, but he is an actual MD which is hopefully a cut above some random guy on the Internet: http://www.breggin.com/minortranqs.html
This is the same stuff that's on your package insert (and also the Physician's Desk Reference), but large enough to read and also machine-searchable: http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic3/xanax-xr_wcp.htm
I got fairly good results with Luvox myself. Of course everybody has different results with different medications, but Xanax is only ever a good idea for very short-term use. I tried it for a month and already started noticing diminishing returns and so quit.

Sorry to hear that things are going so sour. Hope everything turns around ASAP. Best of luck to you.

[kedrys]

12. Thanks for the links

I remember when Valium was the thing, and it didn't have any of the freakin' side effects all this new-fangled panoplia pharmaceutica has. IMO, a lot of this crap started when advertising prescription drugs became legal. Breggin's book looks interesting because of that.

I took Lexapro for a while, but I really loathe happy helmet drugs. We're seeing the doc Monday; I'll ask about Luvox.

Thanks for the good words! :pals:

[Bossy Monkey]

16. Or consider Zoloft. It just went generic, so it would be markedly cheaper

Gf is on it and has had good results. (Not that I'm giving medical advice or anything like that.:))

[RebelOne]

8. I'm sort of in the same boat debt-wise.

In fact, I have an appointment with an attorney today to file a Chapter 7. That's the only way I can see myself out of debt.

[kedrys]

9. We're considering that as well

It's not helping that they changed the bankruptcy laws to screw the consumer. The s.o. rags on endlessly that we should have filed last fall.

Good luck to you with the attorney!

[RebelOne]

14. Thanks.

[zanne]

11. Are you solid as a couple?

I know that's a personal question, but this experience could pull you either way. It's a pretty simple idea that taking it out on each other makes both of you feel worse, but leaning on each other for support during this rough time can only make it easier. And stronger in the end. I've been there, too. (Bankruptcy due to illness; both of us). In the end we came out of it stronger. Hang in there, you two. And please keep us posted. You never know where help will come from.

[kedrys]

13. Yes, I think we are

More to the point, the s.o. thinks so too. It's just that we've been through so much crap the last 6 years (we've been married for 10 and change) that sometimes it feels like neither one of us has anything left.

Thank you for your good words.

[johnnie]

15. Been there. Hang in there because it always seems to work out

I used to get all freaked out when money was low and it looked like I was going down. One day when I was about 30 years old I was taking a shower and I noticed blood dripping from my body into the water in the tub. I didn't know where it was coming from and I didn't see a cut or anything, then I touched my face and my hand was covered in blood.It was coming from my nose and kind of freaked me out.

I could feel my pulse in my nose. I got out of the shower, dried off and laid down in the bed for a while. I never really thought that I was stressed, but I guess I must have been and it had t do with thinking of bills, the car trouble and all the other things that is normal life. While laying there I realized that I have done this before and then I thought, well... I am 30 years old and I am still here. I have yet to be tossed out on the streets and I have always made it thru. From that day on, I just do what I have to do and remember the blood pouring out of my nose.

It's not worth it. You are here today and I am betting this isn't your first time that you were worrying about cash flow. Just do what you need to do and relax about it. They don't throw you in jail anymore for being broke and if you have to go without cable, tv, phone, cell or whatever for a little bit...oh well. Join the average person.

And I agree with the poster above about the meds. They only squish the normal feelings.

Good luck, and please.. just relax and live.

[bif]

17. Hope things work out for you

Sending positive vibes your way.

[kedrys]

18. Well, the s.o.'s contract was terminated today

So now that we're broke and half-unemployed, we can file for Chapter 7, keep the house and the cars, and go from here.

Jeebus, what a fucked-up week this has been.

[Haole Girl]

19. I wasn't going to offer any advice

...well, except to please be careful about Xanax (they called it "The Big Eraser" in a Consumer Reports article I once read). I just wanted to give you a virtual hug...:hug: and say I hope things get better for you soon. Hang in there. Here's another..:hug:

[kedrys]

20. Thank you!

Back atcha :hug: Hugs are important.

And to think I've been considering becoming an alcoholic lately :P ...maybe it's safer than all the shite that passes itself as medicine these days...

[Jamastiene]

21. I've been seeing that lately too.

I handle the finances at my house. My aunt, my three cats, and I are the only ones who live here and the spending habits haven't change. The only things that have changed (since the last time we got through the month with some to spare) are gas prices, grocery prices, and monthly bills. What's screwed up about the power bill and the water bill is that we aren't using more. They are just charging more. I remember the day when I griped because a 3 liter Dr Pepper was $1.39. Now, 2 liters are $1.49. Never mind milk, bread, and cereal. I can remeber when milk wasn't $4.00 a gallon for store brand milk. I remember when bread averaged like $1.00 per loaf. And I remember a time when you could get 3 boxes of name brand cereal for under $5.00. Now, forget it. It's like they want to force us to shop the demon Wal-Mart for some relief or go homeless.

[kedrys]

24. We noticed that too - food prices are getting def stupid

Yeah, the price of gasoline might be coming down, but it's a red herring. Mac and cheese is still 39 cents a metric ton, but the fact that these are the choices we're left to make sucketh extremely large.

I'll make my own ramen noodles from scratch before I set foot in Wal-Mart.

[Lindsay]

22. Venting is good.

A few deep breaths will help as well. Okay, a lotta deep breaths.

Do talk to your doctor about changing meds. I've had success with Paxil, which has also gone generic. Some people have side effects; I haven't. Anyway, be as specific as you can be about your symptoms; it will help the doc figure out what will work best.

If the depression is really severe, social security disability is a possibility. But that will take a couple years to get through all the hoops they put you through. And it's not a lot of money - but it takes the have-to-earn-a-living pressure off until you've had a chance to heal.

I wish there were something I could do for you besides sending you good vibes - but at the moment it's all I got.

:hug:

[kedrys]

23. Good vibes matter

Many thanks! I took BuSpar for a while several years ago, which looking back was WAY less addictive than Xanax, and which I stopped taking with no ill effects when it started making my brain go boing. The s.o.'s got a tougher time of it because of chronic back pain and taking enough stuff to stop a charging rhino dead in its tracks. We'll work on it.

Back atcha :hug:.

[datasuspect]

25. well, at least you do still have a roof over your heads

it will get better.

[buddhamama]

26. ...

:hug:

[buddhamama]

27. kedrys,

i wish i had something to add to the discussion or good advice to offer, i apologize for i do not.

i can and do wish you well though, and will be keeping you in my thoughts. :hug:

[kedrys]

28. Keep sending on the good thoughts

No apologies necessary. Fire up an extra candle if you have it. Thanks!