What's the right answer?

[Orrex]

When, in the course of a professional discussion, someone accuses you of "being defensive," what is the proper response?

"I'm not defensive" is, it will be claimed, a defensive statement, so your defensiveness is proven.

and

"Yes, I guess you're right" is a statement of admission, so your defensiveness is, in essence, proven.

To me, it seems like an immature rhetorical tactic deployed to exert control over the situation, because it changes the subject from the issue at hand to whether or not you're defensive.

"You shouldn't take things personally" is another one I've heard a zillion times in the professional world, deployed similarly and with similar apparent intent.

Your thoughts?

[reyd reid reed]

1. There are times when the only right answer

is to walk away.

Sounds like this is one of 'em. If you Really want to express your disdain, roll your eyes a bit as you do.

:hug:

[MrCoffee]

2. you say "i'm not defensive, i'm offensive, so fuck off!"

eh, maybe not so much. but it would be hilarious.

[petronius]

3. Perhaps some variant of:

"Well, if despising stupid decisions and not wanting our corporation to go down in flames because of your incompetence is defensive, then fine, I guess I'm guilty."

Or:

"You don't actually know what 'defensive' means, do you?"

[Phillycat]

4. Perfect!

"You don't actually know what 'defensive' means, do you?"

That is PERFECT.

[sarge43]

18. Excellent and when s/he starts

babbling some nonsense, answer "Now that's what I'd call defensive. Can we get back to business now?"

[Haole Girl]

5. I usually say something like,

"Why would you say that?" But, now that I think about it...that sound defensive!

Never mind.

[Book Lover]

6. Furrow your brown a bit, then say with a bit of a sigh

"You're going to have to give me some examples." Knocks the ball right back to their court.

[Orrex]

7. Ooh! That's good

The other answers in the thread are likewise pretty solid, but I worry about the repercussions of trying them in a professional environment.

The third unanswerable accusation is "you have a poor attitude," which is often used as a follow-up to either of the other two.

"You're taking this too personally," sez the supervisor.

"No, I'm not," sez the drone.

"There's no reason to be defensive," sez the super.

"I'm not being defensive," sez the drone.

"I'm worried about your poor attitude," sez the super.

And thus we dance...

[billyskank]

17. You see, the trouble is

if you're in a conversation like that with your supervisor, you're fucked whatever you do, because he has clearly decided that he doesn't like you and no answer you give can change that.

If possible it is time to start looking for a new job.

[wildhorses]

8. you're being defensive--sez whoever

you're being paranoid--sez I


:shrug:

[Orrex]

9. I like that kind of strong response

I'm always tempted to say "I wouldn't be so defensive if you weren't such an unconscionable asshole," but that would probably get me a Poor Attitude lecture.

[wildhorses]

13. I despise those attitude lectures cos secretly way deep down

I LIKE MY BAD (ASS) ATTITUDE:P

[billyskank]

16. It's because in some situations a bad attitude is

the only reasonable response. :shrug:

[wildhorses]

19. ya damn skippy, baby!!

:hug::*:hi:

[datasuspect]

10. use ufo revealed "sales magic"

interlocutor 1: "you're being defensive."

interlocutor 2: "hmm, that's interesting. can you contextualize that for me, what specific instance would say best characterizes what you're saying? there might be something i am missing, or something i've said might have been misinterpreted, help me out here."




you put the onus on them. don't ever "answer" a question, answer it with a question that looks like an answer.

[idgiehkt]

11. I was going to answer

then I realized you were talking about a work situation. Those can be potentially radioactive and I would not handle that at all in the same way I would a personal conversation. I had this happen to me once with a co-worker in a conference where we were both kind of being reprimanded by our supervisor and the h.r. assistant manager. I just laid into him and started taking him apart because his whole argument was full of shit and a total lie, and then I realized that it was coming off really really badly to these folks. I mean, I just normally would have shredded him because he told a bald-faced lie to get me reprimanded (complicated story about his holding paper work to give to me that I refused to sign, all the while he was supposedly driving a forklift that takes two hands to drive because of the controls and you can't hold anything while you are driving those...so he had no paperwork, blah, blah, blah, I digress)...anyhoo; when I realized what was going on I completely shifted gears and just became magnanimous merry sunshine right in the middle of the meeting; I had to, because I could tell my credibility was at stake and for whatever reason they were believing his (false) story over mine. You know, just saying things like 'well, of course I'm human like everyone else, and can make mistakes' at which point you make it easy for them and they relax and it gets a little calmer. I just pretended to be willing to accept whatever criticisms and wrongdoing I was accused of and play it off as a big misunderstanding. Boy, was he pissed. I could tell by looking at him it just blew his angle all to hell. Because that work shit is all about being fake, imho, and saving your ass, not about being authentic and moving toward a greater understanding of anything.

On a personal level I would handle it alot differently. At this point, in a personal (romantic) relationship, if it's always coming to that with no resolution it's time for therapy or good-bye.

[Orrex]

14. You're right--personal vs. professional reactions must differ

In a professional setting, the one who keeps her apparent cool has an automatic edge over the one who blows up, regardless of who's actually right.

I think that the next time it comes up, I'll just chant "Boogitty Boogitty" and tapdance sideways out of the room.

[Richard Steele]

12. "How do you figure?" sometimes works well...

"You're being defensive" is an accusation;
make the accuser DEFEND it!

[skygazer]

15. I try to equate it with my professional integrity

"Well, you may see it as being defensive but I feel very strongly about my work on this project and I'd like to tell you why."

or

"I'm sorry if you feel I'm being defensive. I've put a lot of effort into this and so I have a certain amount of passion in regards to it. However, if you feel it's not up to standard, please let me know how I can improve it."

As for "You shouldn't take things personally", my response to this has always been, "This is what I do. I put a great deal of myself into my work and so I'm afraid I do take it somewhat personally."

They may not be the best answers but they do convey how I approach my work.

[Oeditpus Rex]

20. 'I wouldn't need to be

if you weren't so offensive."

:headbang: