Stuff you find hilarious about your parents?

[HEyHEY]

This lovely Tuesday morning I woke up to a major commotion fueled by the sound of a chainsaw. My first thought? "What the hell is my mom up to now?"

[GirlinContempt]

1. Just about everything

[Heidi]

2. My mother cleans the house before the housekeeper comes.

:wtf:

[Ohio Joe]

4. I have a friend that does that

She worries that the housekeeper will think she is a slob, it always cracks me up :D

[Heidi]

5. My dad, ever the process management guy,

says to my mom, "Why don't you just mix her a drink and continue cleaning while she enjoys it? Then you'd both be doing what you enjoy doing." :rofl:

[EFerrari]

24. LOL!

That's so funny!

All the women in my family do that, too, including me. That's why I don't hire cleaners any more.

It's too much damn work.

:rofl:

[youthere]

7. My mom does that too..

she also washes and sets her hair before going to the beauty salon.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

33. My mother does the exact same thing.

I can understand picking up all the extraneous junk that piles up, so that the housecleaner can do her work more easily, but I think my mom would start vacuuming if I didn't tell her to hold her horses.

[emmajane67]

40. The housekeeper is there to clean not tidy!!! n/t

[mduffy31]

41. My mom used to do that too!!!

I never understood it. They had this friend who really couldn't hold a real job down so they paid her 40 every other week to come in and give the house a complete cleaning. Now she wasn't real great but she did a good enough job, but my mom would clean the house first before she got there.

[begin_within]

48. Hey I do that too.

[Heidi]

57. Mom, is that you?

:D

[begin_within]

58. I just don't want the housecleaners to waste their time on the "easy stuff,"

so I do the obvious things before they come. I want them to do the "deep cleaning" things that I will never, ever get around to doing on my own. That's my justification. Yes, Heidi, it's Mom.

[Heidi]

72. If you were really my mom,

you would have said "obvious thangs" and "deemp cleaning." Imposter. :P

[begin_within]

73. Well, I'll be jam up and jelly tight.

[driver8]

69. My wife does that!! It drives me crazy!!

Her reasoning?

We can't let the housekeeper think that we live in a messy house.

AAAARRRGGHHH!!!

[Phillycat]

3. My mom is insane.

But not in a "ha ha" way. :eyes:

[noonwitch]

6. When I was a teen, my parents had sex every Saturday night

My brother and I would be staying up to watch SNL, and they would go to bed. Usually, when they went to bed to sleep, they went right to bed. We always knew when it was a booty call, because we would hear the bedsprings creaking for about 15-20 minutes, then my dad (who limped and made noise when he walked) would turn on the shower. A few minutes after he took his shower, the shower would come on again for Mom. Usually, they only took showers in the morning.

We would be sitting downstairs, right under their bedroom, laughing our asses off about it, too.

They are divorced now, and both have live together partners. I think my dad is much happier.

[Arugula Latte]

31. Ew.

I'm glad I never knew when ... when ... nevermind ... :scared:

[RubyDuby in GA]

59. Aren't you the lucky one?

My brother was born on March 1, but his due date was March 17th. Exactly 9 months to the day after my birthday. I don't want to know what transpired on the evening of my 4th birthday. It totally grossed us both out when we did the math...

[WritingIsMyReligion]

34. HAHAHA!

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Gosh, that's funny. :D

[TOhioLiberal]

38. Reminds me of a commercial...

...Something about a hotel and needing a vacation from your vacation. In it a guy goes to get in the shower and you hear this feminine yell. He backs away, saying 'sorry mom'. As he's leaving the bathroom he says the punchline: '...and dad...' :rofl:

[MiniMandaRuth]

8. That they met at band camp.

Which is why those jokes are NOT funny to me. :P

[cobalt1999]

9. My mother doesn't realize that the family has grown up and

everyone has moved out. My father is now dead so she lives alone. HOWEVER, she still cooks for 6 guys! There are leftovers everywhere! Somehow she can't figure out how to downsize her recipes.

[Lars39]

15. Here's a recipe adjustor...

it only halves recipes, though.
http://www.fruitfromwashington.com/Recipes/scale/recipeconversions.php

Here's another; it may do a little more:
Recipe Conversion Calculator:
http://kmiller.ecorp.net/recipe/

A friend of mine used to make a single serving of fudge for herself every once in a while. :D

[Kerrytravelers]

10. My mother will repeat herself several times in the same phone call.

She's been doing this all her life, so it's not that she 64 now.

She'll open the call with a story, then proceed to tell the same story two or more times, each time from a different perspective- but they're still the same story, no new information AT ALL! As I live 500 miles away, it makes me chuckle. However, my poor dad is recovering from eye surgery and can't escape. He has heard the same stories for the 44 years they've been married.

Has anyone every died from simply going insane hearing the same stories? I fear for my father's continued existence.

[Maine-ah]

45. I wonder if that's really why my father died

at such a young age..:shrug: my mom is 62 and does the exact same thing....drives me insane!

[Bunny]

11. .

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=5785677&mesg_id=5785677

[Left Is Write]

12. Everything.

My mother cracks me up.

She's got a great sense of humor, but she's ailing just now. She fell and broke her arm over the weekend.

[Momgonepostal]

13. My mom's wants to do things for everyone...

Example: my mom's health isn't what it used to be and she's having trouble keeping the house as neat as she'd like. She was musing over the idea of hiring someone to come in and clean a couple of times a month or so, but then said, she needed to find someone who could come late enough in the morning, but not too late because she didn't want to have to go to the trouble of feeding this person lunch. I told her that it is not necessary to make lunch for cleaning people, or other workers you hire to fix something in your house, like plumbers, that really people don't do that, and she said, "some people do!" She really is stressed about having to make lunch for a cleaning lady, so has decided just to let her house stay semi-cleaned.

[NewWaveChick1981]

14. My mother makes up cusswords.

:rofl: She does EVERYTHING to avoid using the F-bomb. :spray: I laugh like hell when I hear them, and it pisses her off because she only says them when she's mad. :rofl:

[1gobluedem]

16. My parents wait breathlessly for the mail to come

Then my father rushes out to get it, brings it in and they go through it piece by piece discussing each thing no matter what it is.

They also can be bickering like crazy in the car until they pass a gas station with much lower or much higher prices than at home. They promptly stop arguing and talk about the gas prices.

And they keep a dead deer (on the side of the road) count when they travel.

[Mojambo]

17. My father has never, not once, pronounced the word Merlot correctly.

[u4ic]

27. Mine pronounces margarine as "marjean"

Thank goodness he switched back to butter...


He also used to buy a certain shampoo, and would ask me to pick it up for him when I went shopping. Well, be damned if I could ever find it. Why? Because he was telling me the name - in French. :silly: He never thought to turn it round to the English label...

[bif]

44. Two words my Dad refuses to pronounce correctly.

Beef Bourguignon which he pronounces Borgoing. And there's the Concertmaster of our symphony orchestra who's name is Emmanual Boisvert. She's French Canadian and her name is pronounced Bwa-ver. My Dad says Boyz-vert. He absolutely refuses to pronounce those two words correctly. And he a very smart guy! Just stubborn as hell.

[Reverend_Smitty]

18. My dad is the ultimate grocery bargain hunter

I'm serious he's like Rain Man when it comes to sales. Name any food item and he can tell you where it will be on sale this week. His favorite day is Sunday when the circulars arrive, he's like a kid on Christmas

[William Bloode]

25. Your dad and i have much in common.

I am the very same way. I get the "you shop better than most women" comment all the time. For me it's because i am so very cheap. I'll walk over fire to save five cents.

[Reverend_Smitty]

32. I make fun of him for it because...

he'll literally drive across town to save 13 cents on a gallon of milk, and I make fun of him because he probably spent more than that in gas to get the damn milk in the first place

[MorningGlow]

64. Bananas

My mom, yeah, but also the thing she'll drive five miles out of her way to get a few cents cheaper. Makes me nuts!

That, and she tends to talk with food halfway down her throat--sounds like Grover. Infuriating.

[tigereye]

65. that's my dad

my mom says he's preparing for the next famine.... on the cheap!

[LeftyMom]

19. Most common call from my Mom: I got a new tat, wanna come see it? nt

[ganeshji]

20. My mom sings constantly which would be charming

if she ever knew the words.

[Kerrytravelers]

21. This is the greatest thread.

I've been cracking up when I read these. They're funny, but it's obvious that everyone is poking gently with a twig and you all love your folks!

[judaspriestess]

22. My mom is a SPORTS fanatic

she loves our Spurs, her cowboys, the longhorns. Its funny, we get nba league pass for her cause she watches as many games as she can and gives us the sports report for the day. she watches the wnba faithfully, any football game and any basketball game. she does not care, she is out of control with it.

[EFerrari]

23. My mom can sell sand in the desert - in fact, she HAS to.

We call her "the Cadillac woman".

She can walk into any dealership and walk away with the loss leader at any price she wants and the salesmen never know what hit them.

She's five feet tall, 73, a little brown woman with a thick accent. They never ever see it coming.

:rofl:

/oops

[Lisa]

26. my father gets up at 5 in the morning and starts making bread

When I'm home, I can hear him throwing the dough around in the kitchen (under my bedroom!).

Oh, and when we would go for walks in the woods near Lake Ontario, he would rush ahead and hide under the bridge, pretending to be a troll like in the book "The Three Billygoats Gruff". He was still doing this when I graduated from college and left town!

[BreweryYardRat]

28. My dad has no real amusing habits.

He's awesome and I love him, but he's not one of those people that there's a fountain of funny stories about.

And my mom is a paranoid over-protective whackjob, so I don't want to talk about her.

[William Bloode]

29. These two are funny.....in a sickish way.

I have had a fucked up life, and hence have an overly twisted sense of humor, so bare with me.

#1- My dad was a huge religious nut Mr. morality. He kidnapped my sister, and i now have a niece who is also my half sister.

#2- My mom, who despite being very compassionate on the outside, and taught me to be respectful to gays, other races etc. SHe was one abusive lady let me tell you. I got my ass whipped with 6-8 saplings braided together. I was beaten and talked about like a dog.

It's sad, yes it's sick, but i have to laugh. For if i could find no humor in it, it would have ate me alive long ago.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

30. My dad loves to mock people on TV.

One time, Star Jones was on, and he yelled at her to "get your fat ass off the TV." :rofl:

[1gobluedem]

63. My father reacts to bad acting by applauding and shouting "Emmy! Emmy!"

He also hollers out "Praise God for vittory" when the most minor of things are accomplished. This is why The Grapes of Wrath is not taken very seriously by our family

[AlCzervik]

35. My dad still calls me by my sisters name and her by my name

also, "what are you 31, 32 now?" yeah Dad, try 39.

[Mad_Dem_X]

51. My mom does that!

I'm almost 40, and my sister is 37. Mom still screws our names up once in a while.

[RubyDuby in GA]

60. Every year when I was young, when my dad was doing the taxes,

he would ask me when my birthday was. Every year. I finally started writing it down for him and leaving it where he would find it with his tax stuff: Dear Dad, my birthday is June 17th. Mom says you were there and should remember.

[book lady]

36. My husband and I are almost retirement age,

and my mother-in-law still refers to us as "the kids" Gotta love her :)

[siouxsiecreamcheese]

37. my mom will yell out random things about cheese

one time she yelled out 'CHEDDAR CHEEEEESE!!!!' in front of a friend of mine who just looked at her and was like what the hell was that? and another time she started chanting cheesy fry! cheesy fry! because we were going to get cheese fries for dinner

[YellowRubberDuckie]

39. My mom refuses to tell me anything about her life before my dad.

The only thing I know is what my aunts and uncles tell me. I asked her once about her time in beauty school, and she said it was none of my business. I just wanted to know about my mother as a person, but she refused. :shrug: She's weird. Anyone else's mother do shit like this?
Duckie

[Akoto]

49. My mom is like that, too.

I really know nothing about her life before my dad. I know that she had a husband before him, but she just says that 'he was stupid.' I also know that she lived in Texas once, and was in a flood. That's about it! Oddly enough, my mom also went to beauty school.

[On the Road]

42. When I Was Fifteen

my family was visiting my mother's twin sister, who was a little more au courant than my mom, and had Sargent Pepper on LP shortly after it came out.

I vividly remember sitting in the living room listening to A Day in the Life when my mother walked in right when that last musical crescendo was starting. She stopped and stared at me, trying to make sense out the sounds coming from the speaker looking more and more concerned. Finally, she ran over to the stereo shouting "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

[crim son]

43. I've read the entire thread, trying to come up with something.

My parents are incredibly dignified but not in a pole-up-yer-ass way. Educated, well-read, personable, kind. Maybe my dad talks too much and my mother is a bit emotional at times. Otherwise, I got nothing! :shrug:

[jane_pippin]

46. So many things, but I'll go with my dad's "song" writing:

He sings all of them at the top of his lungs--he's tone deaf, so that's fun--and once he gets one in his head he'll just burst into it at random for days.

This one is about ham:

Ham, ham ham ham, ham, ham ham ham, HAM

And this one is about bacon. He sings it like a crooner:

I'm making bacon/that's what I'm making/ bacon for my breakfast/today

He has a lot more but all I can remember right now are the pork-related songs.

[Mad_Dem_X]

52. Reminds me of my dad at Christmastime:

He used to walk around the house and every so often sing: "...and a partridge in a pear tree!" Nothing else, just that one line.

[idgiehkt]

47. my mother collects tupperware. she's out of control.

It drives me nuts. Both my parents have collections of things, they troll yard sales every saturday and seem to buy things based on the fact that the prices are so low, instead of on the premise that the stuff will ever be useful or needed in any way. That probably says more about me than them, lol. I also call them 'changeaholics' because they are constantly rearranging every room in their house and all the furniture for no good reason, periodically trading out furniture with my sister who is the same way. Once when my mom had all her rooms recently re-changed around, she went up in the attic, which is wall to wall boxes and junk, and rearranged the ENTIRE lot of it from back to front. Just to have something to do.

[Akoto]

50. My parents argue right in front of me, and then ...

Five minutes later, mom says that they weren't arguing and they never do. :P

[Drum]

53. Sadly: nothing.

:shrug:

[Deja Q]

54. That *they* did it.

:rofl:

[ScreamingMeemie]

55. My father is always running behind, always late for work, or birthday

parties, doctor's appointments... I swear he'll be late for his own funeral. Anyway, I remember zooming through the streets with him (he still does this) while he hummed the William Tell Overture under his breath. I think that's where I get my sense of untimeliness from. I adore my daddy.

[Burma Jones]

56. Mine are Brother and Sister

well, step-brother and step-sister. They're divorced, but they're still my Aunt and Uncle too.....

My Mother's Mom, a Widow, married my Father's Dad, a divorcee.....it made my own parents' divorce a little messier.....

[regularguy]

61. "Fil-em"

Y'know the stuff you used to put in your non-digital camera. My dad calls it "fil-em". Other than that the violent psychosis can be a real hoot.

[Flying Dream Blues]

62. Fun thread! My dad calls a queue a "kwee",and my mom

will apologize for her plane being late. I mean to the point of falling on a sword over it. There are a couple of other words my dad refuses to pronounce correctly...and I guess he got that from my grandfather, who called the Gran Prix the Grand Pricks forever.
:)

[Divameow77]

66. My mom

watches QVC for entertainment.

[mohinoaklawnillinois]

67. This thread is hilarious. Keep em coming....

Back in 1975 my parents decided to "finish" the basement. There was a bathroom down there with a metal shower enclosure but when they made the decision to "finish", my brother Tom the plumber, decided that the new bathroom had to have all the bells and whistles available at the time. Needless to say this required that the "downstairs" shower would be out of commission for about 5 days. My father always took showers when he got from work at night.

My mother in the past had only allowed two people on the entire face of the planet to take a shower in the "upstairs" bathroom all the years prior to this undertaking. One was her cousin Bob from England when he visited Chicago in 1960 and the other was my eldest brother Terry, the night he returned from Vietnam in November 1968. My father was never allowed to take his daily shower in that particular bathroom. It was the basement or nothing...

The first night that the "downstairs" bathroom was completely gutted, my Dad came home work and proceeded into the "upstairs" bathroom for his nightly routine. The minute the water gushed from the unused shower head, my mother, who had been making dinner in the kitchen, proceeded to barge in and demand to know:

"What in Sam Hell do you think you're doing?" Dad: "I'm taking a goddamn shower". Mom: "Why can't you take a goddamn bath". Dad: "I don't like to sit in my own goddamn filth".

By this point in time my sister and I, who observing this exchange were literally :rofl:. My mother then said to the two of us "What do you two think is so goddamn funny?" This just sent the two of us further into hysterical laughter and then my Dad, clad only in a towel, started to laugh as well. When my Dad started to laugh, Mom finally got it and she started to laugh at the ludicrousness of the situation as well...

Needless to say my sister and I told everyone in the family about this particular night and we all had a good time laughing about it over the years. It summed up perfectly the relationship that my parents had with each other. They'd fight like cats and dogs over the silliest things, but when it came down to really important stuff, they were both on the same page.

The day we buried my Dad in 1991, my Mom died in 1983, just before his casket was closed and I had to say goodby for the last time, for some unknown reason, the memory of this flashed in my mind. I started to laugh out loud and my sister and my two brothers looked at me like I was losing it. However, when I spoke the magic words "I don't like to sit in my own goddamned filth", the four of us just burst out laughing all over again.

I really think at that moment both of my parents were in the room with us and just wanted to let all four us know that they were together again and quite happy to be so.

[QMPMom]

68. The Cuban Missile Crisis

While the whole world was worried about war breaking out during those days in October, my Dad had one thing on his mind: sugar. God help us, but if we went to war we'd never get sugar again. The horror!!!

Every day for the entire time Kennedy was facing off with Kruschev, my dad would bring home pounds and pounds of sugar. He'd stop at the store on his way home from work and buy 3 or 4 five pound bags of sugar. We had a freaking closet full of sugar!

[driver8]

71. Now that's funny!! It sounds like a Seinfeld episode. n/t

[TheCentepedeShoes]

76. That is funny!

My dad was in the MM during WWII and stayed on after. Made some runs btw Cuba and Houston on the "sugar boats." Or so I've heard, wasn't born yet. Folks split up and dad was in NV in Oct of '62, don't know what he thought.

[driver8]

70. My parents eat dinner at precisely 5pm every night.

My wife and I eat dinner much later. When we visit my parents, we eat dinner at 5pm and then we are hungry 3 hours later!!

[Lilith Velkor]

74. They didn't figure out they hate each other until I was born

Theirs is a deep and abiding hate, that has lasted to this day.

[Lisa]

75. oh, and my mom used to mail me cookies twice a month ...

I was in my 30s, and living on the other side of the country. She would make these things and spend $10 on postage. I actually don't like oatmeal-raisin that much (though I never had the nerve to tell her), and the expense worried me. (I still have one bag left in the freezer, from the late 1990s.)