Dating an Ex-Cutter

[Schema Thing]

Just looking for some feedback here.

I recently got out of a fairly short relationship with someone who, in their distant past, had been a cutter.

I had a realization last night, while in the latest of many long conversations with her, that she is very adept at (and persistant in) controlling the conversation and even the direction of the relationship; and this happens even now that it is just a friendship. Looking back, I see that need for control (and being on the power side of that control) made, or helped make, the equivalency of the relationship go away pretty quickly.

Just wondering if anyone else has ever seen pattern like this, or are the two unrelated?

Please no jokes about boats :)

[MiniMandaRuth]

1. I've never dated one...

But I have been 'friends' with a cutter. Friend is too kind a term. More like 'Over friendly Acquaintance'

Every cutter I've known has been whiney, self-centered, and an attention whore. I think those are related. People I know that cut themselves do it for attention, not for anything else.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. you are being too harsh

without being their therapist you are not in a position to know why they crave this attention or why cutting seems the form they choose...

i am at attention whore on du...i dont cut myself at home....

my point is some thing like mutilating oneself never has such an easy answer

[MiniMandaRuth]

3. I know, I know, I'm being too harsh.

But I see the kind of people they live with. Parents that love and care for them.

It makes me sick when people have to create drama because they want attention. You whore in a good way. They whore in a bad way.

What happened to the good old days of just whoring yourself on a street corner? The times have really changed. :(

[Name removed]

8. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[mtowngman]

12. self-delete

[bicentennial_baby]

6. That's unfair

Sorry, but you obviously don't know much about cutting to make that kind of judgment...It's a bit more complex than them being attention whores...sigh.

[Bassic]

4. What's a cutter?

I am not familiar with that expresion. :shrug:

[MiniMandaRuth]

5. Someone who cuts their wrists...

Or anywhere on their body, to relieve pain.

[Bassic]

7. Oh.

That's a bit creepy. A buddy of mine used to cut the outside of his forearms a few years ago. Thankfully, a few knocks atop the noggin' put a stop to that.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

10. Here's a better explanation:

http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html

What Is Cutting?

Injuring yourself on purpose by making scratches or cuts on your body with a sharp object - enough to break the skin and make it bleed - is called cutting. Cutting is a type of self-injury, or SI. Cutting is more common among girls, but guys sometimes self-injure, too. People may cut themselves on their wrists, arms, legs, or bellies. Some people self-injure by burning their skin with the end of a cigarette or lighted match.
<snip>

Why Do People Cut Themselves?
<snip>

The urge to cut might be triggered by strong feelings the person can't express - such as anger, hurt, shame, frustration, or depression. People who cut sometimes say they feel they don't fit in or that no one understands them. A person might cut because of losing someone close or to escape a sense of emptiness. Cutting might seem like the only way to find relief, or the only way to express personal pain over relationships or rejection.

People who cut or self-injure sometimes have other mental health problems that contribute to their emotional tension. Cutting is sometimes (but not always) associated with depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, obsessive thinking, or compulsive behaviors. It can also be a sign of mental health problems that cause people to have trouble controlling their impulses or to take unnecessary risks. Some people who cut themselves have problems with drug or alcohol abuse.

Some people who cut have had a traumatic experience, such as living through abuse, violence, or a disaster. Self-injury may feel like a way of "waking up" from a sense of numbness after a traumatic experience. Or it may be a way of reinflicting the pain they went through, expressing anger over it, or trying to get control of it.
<snip>

[Bassic]

11. I understand.

Thanks for this.

I was unfamiliar with the expression (this being my second language and all), but the definition reminds me of a friend of mine (a few years ago at least).

[noonwitch]

9. I think that your observation about control issues is keen

I've worked with teens who are into cutting. It is about control. They feel their lives are out of control and cutting gives them a measure of control. It's an extreme way to do so, but their feelings of being out of control are extreme.

Some people who self abuse are survivors of sexual abuse-not all, but some. Children are sexually abused in families that appear to be perfect, loving families to the outside eye. It may look like the person comes from some happy, wonderful family, but you never really know what's going on if you don't live there.

[Deja Q]

13. I used to be a cutter.

However, without knowing that person more, I cannot say if there is a pattern or not. All I know is, I am easily controlled.

(if anybody doesn't believe me, I'll take pics of the scars and show them.)

[madinmaryland]

14. I am familiar with cutters.

Knowing someone close to me who has had this issue, the only reliable way to deal with this is for the person to be in counseling. Whether or not you remain in the relationship, the person needs to get help. It is not something you can help on your own.

[buddhamama]

15. Locking

I am putting out this fire before it engulfs The Lounge.



Sincerely,
buddhamama- DU Mod