Cleaning out my e-mail, jokes follow, mostly about *:

[rzemanfl]

Leaving these on the curb with a "free" sign on them:

Last week, in a story about President Bush's goals for his second term, we quoted him as saying: “My top priority is to recapture the Holy Land from the Muslims.” In fact, he said: “My top priority is to spread democracy in the Middle East.” We apologize for the error.

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.


On Election Night 2004, the returns showed Kerry 50%, Bush 50%. To avoid another Supreme Court case, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.

After a lot of back-and-forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, Kerry returns to the starting line with 10 fish. Soon, W. returns and has zero fish. Everyone assumes he is just having a bad day or something and, hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the second day, Kerry comes in with 20 fish and W. comes in again with none.

That evening, Dick Cheney gets together secretly with W. and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."

The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Cheney says to Bush, "Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin'?"

"He sure is, he's cutting holes in the ice."


As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Osama bin laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flashlight.


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

I don't know what to do, said the devil. "You are on my list but I dont have a vacant room for you. There are no vacancies, but you definitely have to stay. This is what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'm going to let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who you want to replace." George thought that sounded pretty darn good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room. There was Richard Nixon and a large swimming pool. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said, I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room and opened the door. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. Tony was just swinging that sledgehammer, smashing rocks, again and again and again. "No! said George. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day!" he explained.

So the devil opened the door to the third room And there was Bill Clinton, lying naked on the floor on his back, his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked wide apart, spread-eagle. And there was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she did best, over and over and over.George gazed in disbelief, and finally said with a smirk, "Yeah, I can handle this!"

The devil smiled and called out, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Succinct Summary of the 2004 Presidential Election
The Democrats' mistake was in thinking that a disastrous war,
national bankruptcy, erosion of liberties, corporate takeover of
government, environmental destruction, squandering our economic
and moral leadership in the world, and systematic Administration
lying would be of concern to the electorate.

The Republicans correctly saw that the chief concern of the
electorate was to keep gay couples from having an abortion.


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Hush...... You know it's funny.


George W. Bush-as useful as shit on a pump handle.


The old priest lay dying in the hospital.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for one of his aides to come near.

"Yes father" said the aide.

"I would really like to see Tom DeLay and Bill Frist before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do father," replied the aide.

The aide sent the request to Congress and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived. DeLay and Frist would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, DeLay commented to Frist "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."

DeLay couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took DeLay's hand in his right hand and Frist's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Congressman DeLay spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said DeLay.

"Amen" said Frist.

The old priest continued..."He died between two thieves. I just would like to do the same."

[rzemanfl]

1. More:

President Bush was scheduled to worship at a small Methodist Church outside Washington, D.C. as part of Karl Rove's campaign to reverse Bush's rapidly deteriorating approval ratings. A week before the visit, Rove called on the Methodist Bishop who was scheduled to preach on the chosen Sunday. "As you know, Bishop," began Rove, "we've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of the president's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly arrange for Jack Abramoff's friends to make a contribution of $100,000 to the church if during your sermon you would say that President Bush is a saint."

The Bishop thought about it for a few minutes, and finally said, "This parish is in rather desperate need of funds ... I'll agree to do it."

The following Sunday, Bush pompously showed up for the photo op, looking especially smug even while attempting to appear pious.

After making a few announcements, the Bishop began his homily: "George W. Bush is a petty, vindictive, sanctimonious hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world's largest chip on his shoulder. He used every dirty election trick in the book and still lost, but his toadies in the Supreme Court appointed him. He lied about his military record in which he used special privilege to avoid combat, and then had the gall to dress up and pose on an aircraft carrier before a banner stating "Mission Accomplished." He invaded a sovereign country for oil and war profiteering, turning Iraq into a training ground for terrorists who would destroy our country. He continues to confuse the American people by insisting on a nonexistent connection between the horrors of 9/11 and the reason he started his war in Iraq. He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to high-level federal government positions and as a result, hundreds and hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He lets corporate polluters despoil God's creation and doom our planet. He uses fear-mongering to justify warrantless spying on American citizens, in clear violation of our Constitution. He is so psychotic and megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God. He is the worst example of a Methodist I have ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and the rest of the evil fascist bastards in this administration, George W. Bush is a saint.

[democracyindanger]

2. C'mon, just get the brazillion joke over with.

[rzemanfl]

3. Don't have it, here's another though:

George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking
a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying
a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks
the girl, "What's in the basket?"

She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the
basket to show him.

"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"

The little girl says, "Republicans." Bush smiles,
pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll,
this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl
again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this,
Karl. It's really cute."
They approach the little girl. Bush greets her and asks
how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."

Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and
asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind
of kittens they are?"

She replies, "Democrats."

Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said
they were Republicans!"

"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."