is it too early in the morning to get some good advice?

[momophile]

I'm kinda freaked out. Here is the short story: Thirteen years ago I was in high school. I had a short fling with my best friend's older brother. Two years later, he nearly raped me. After getting me alone, pinning me down and removing half my clothes he stopped for some reason and didn't do it. I didn't tell anyone for years and never told my friend, the sister. My friendship with the girl was strained, we went separate ways and I eventually moved away and haven't been in contact since. Until this morning when I got an e-mail through classmates.com.

As I said, I'm freaking out. It took me years to deal with what happened but of course it still bothers me. The girl was my best friend for a couple of years and I loved her parents. But I come as close to hating the brother as someone who doesn't want to hate anyone can come. I don't think I can handle having them back in my life, but I don't want to hurt her or her parents.

Any advice?

[bif]

1. I personally would put a block on his email

Does he know where you live?

[momophile]

6. probably.

I'm not hard to find if you know my name and know how to google.

and it was the sister, my friend, that wrote. not the icky guy. I would never write to him.

[BarenakedLady]

2. Was it from your friend or the brother?

If it is still that painful, I would either tell your friend the truth about what happened or ignore the email.

:hug:

[momophile]

4. the e-mail was from my friend, the girl

I didn't even think about telling my friend what happened. That's interesting. And a bit scary.

Thanks for the much needed hug.
:hug:

[begin_within]

3. If you don't want her in your life, don't reply in any way, at any time. But if

if you do want her in your life, you will have to get this issue out in the open, otherwise the friendship will be just as strained now as it was back them. What benefit to you is there for becoming friends with her again?

[momophile]

5. there isn't any benefit.

we went our separate ways. we are so totally different that I couldn't even picture us friends again. but I don't want to be rude, either. it wasn't her fault and she doesn't even know what happened.

[plcdude]

7. I would say

you have moved on and probably should continue to do so.

[begin_within]

8. You're not being rude by simply not replying to her e-mail. She will just

assume that you never got the message, for any number of reasons. You need to decide right now whether you want her in your life again. If you decide that you don't want her, you should not reply to her e-mail at all. You don't need to explain anything. Just don't respond to any attempt to contact you. No communication = no relationship. If you reply even one time, you are opening the door again to her. It won't hurt her to not receive a reply to the message. She will just assume that you never got it, and will probably give up.

If you decide you do want her in your life again, I believe it will be difficult and problematic for you, unless you can "clear the air" about what happened with her brother. However, attempting to "clear the air" also might create problems of its own. She may not believe your story about what happened, the brother may deny that it happened, and things might even become worse than they were back when you were friends with her. It could become a "Pandora's Box" type of thing.

If you see some value to you in being friends with her again, then you might consider attempting it. But you clearly stated in your reply to my first post that "there isn't any benefit," so my opinion, based on what you have stated so far, is that you should not let her back into your life. What you do is your decision, of course. But if you decide you don't want to be friends with her again, then don't reply, don't explain, don't respond at all. Any communication you send to her can be taken by her as a invitation to become friends again.

[momophile]

9. good advice. thank you.

I understand all that you are saying and you make some good points. I'm not sure what I'll do, but I hadn't thought about not replying at all - that would solve that quickly.

Thanks for taking the time to answer.
:hug:

[begin_within]

10. It won't feel good though - the fact that you once were friends with her

and you did care about her, and you still care about her a little (indicated by the fact that you don't want to be rude now and don't want to hurt her feelings). You're feeling a little bit of that caring feeling again - her attempt to contact you has reminded you of the caring feeling you once felt and may still feel now. Even if you still care about her, though, that doesn't mean you have to agree to be friends with her again. But the reawakening of that caring feeling (or at least remembering of it) will make it hard for you to ignore her e-mail or any other attempt to contact you that she makes. You will feel a little bit of "how can I be so cold to her now, when I was once so close to her?" That feeling will make it hard for you to ignore or reject her attempts now. But you can't let that little bit of feeling prevent you from what may be a bad decision (allowing her to re-enter your life). The decision should be made as objectively as possible, considering everything from a cold, hard, "Judge Judy"-like attitude towards the situation, and especially asking yourself: "What good is there for me in allowing her back into my life?" That is the central question for you, as I see it.

I had a friend for several years, who I was close to, but he screwed me over and I ended the friendship because of it. Not all at once, but I steadily, gradually reduced my contact with him until there was nothing left. I continue to tell myself, "don't let him back into your life, for any reason" About 6 months ago he called me for the first time in a year, and pretended like we were friends again. I kept very quiet and got off the phone quickly. He hasn't called me since. I felt bad after that phone call, for a short time. I felt like, "How could I be so cold towards someone I was so close to just a few years ago? That's not who I am as a person!" But the bad feeling went away, and I am sure it was the right thing to do. It is hard to do, especially when they are talking to you live, and even harder when you are seeing them in person (such as a random encounter in public or something.) I'm glad I didn't allow him back into my life. It is easier for you, if the only way she has to contact you is by e-mail, that is much more impersonal and easier to do. But expect to not feel that good about ignoring her e-mail, at least for a while. Then that bad feeling will go away. Hope it all works out for you.