help me to understand--

[wildhorses]

i am confused and upset...

some background info: TheSmoker (been dating since july) has 2 girls. the youngest is 17 and is living with her mother.

TheSmoker has bought her a car and she has a part time job. she is a senior. she has been a straight "a" student until very recently.

TheSmoker has been divorced for a year. the 17 y/o has fallen in with the wrong crowd and her grades are slipping. she is skipping classes and avoiding her father. TheSmoker called me from his ex's monday nite while waiting for the 17 y/o to get home from her part time job. he was upset and had been since the night before. actaully this has been going on for about 6-8 weeks.

the episode: the 17 y/o saw her father's truck in the drvieway sunday nite and did not pull in. she stayed overnite with one of her girlfriends (who is part of the wrong crowd).

on monday night when TheSmoker called me asking for advice (which i have been trying to avoid giving cos i have not met any of the people involved and am not sure that this is any of my business) i advised him to pull his truck around back so that the 17 y/o would not see it. he had thought of this sunday nite and did not do it and he saw the results...why not pull it around back?

he said NO....if the 17 y/o did not pull in upon seeing his truck then he was going to call the cops and report her car as stolen. i did not think this was a good idea. he went OFF and started yelling about calling the cops. i finally just hung up.

not good of me i know but, frankly it was starting to border on verbal abuse via telephone...me staying calm and trying to reason and him just getting more adamant about calling the cops (wtf?)

more background: TheSmoker and i usually talk on the phone about 4 times a day.

back to the episode: i called TheSmoker twice yesterday and left messages on his cell, apologizing for hanging up and stating that i hoped everything was going ok with his daughter. i also tried his house phone. his father (who i have met) answered and i know he told TheSmoker that i called.

what should i do?

what should i expect in the way of communication from TheSmoker?

i realize i should not have hung on him but, his anger was escalating, his attitude was very cavalier and his demeanor was scary...to call the cops on one's own daughter? would you do this?

could you please give me some insight into a father's psyche? my relationship with my father was NOT good from about the age of 16. so, i really don't have any idea on how i as a "girlfriend" should relate...

what would you expect from someone you were dating if you were in this situation?

all i want is a 2 minute call letting me know that he is okay and what the status is with his daughter...

i really want to be fair to everyone involved.

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. I think you did the right thing.

He's got to deal with this on his own and she sounds very much like a kid stretching her wings...in all the wrong directions. Be there for him to talk to but I wouldn't let him yell at me either. Distance is key on this subject. :hug:

[wildhorses]

3. thanks MrsGrumpy--

and especially thanks for the :hug:

so i should just give him space?

for how long?

[ScreamingMeemie]

5. Until he can deal and talk about it without losing his temper.

I'd just be there for him, you know? It's what I did when MrG was dealing with his father's alcoholism. Here's another... :hug:

[wildhorses]

30. i will not be there for him anymore

he just dumped me

thanks for the :hug:

i can use another about now *sigh*

[cwydro]

2. Oh sweetie

I hate you're going through this right now at the holidays. Or at anytime, for that matter. Well, you know what I said on your other thread. I think he's playing games with you. Or to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is so caught up in the daughter drama that he is distracted.

I can't imagine a father calling the cops on his daughter. Surely he must see that that will alienate her even further....

Now you know why I've given up on relationships...;)

[wildhorses]

4. thank you cwydro

and like you ...i have a pretty strong fuck it attitude :kick:

i didn't call myself wildhorses for nothing ;)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. My dear wildhorses.........

I agree with MrsGrumpy here...

Distance is key.

He should not have yelled at you...........at least, not abusively.

I think you're getting a very good look at his dark side, frankly.

Of course, we all have places like this, so it is a good thing.

But I don't think he should be calling the cops at all!

I'm sure it's difficult, but I recommend that you keep your distance till things settle down.......

I'm sure he'll be back, sweetie........:hug:

[wildhorses]

7. thanks CalPeg--you always seem to stay so calm and

unruffled...and frankly right now i just can NOT think straight about all this...

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

I wouldn't be able to think straight either, if I were where you are!

It's much easier to be calm when you're not directly involved, sweetie...:hug:

One minute at a time...one minute at a time, OK?

:loveya: :pals:

[NC_Nurse]

8. A divorce is really tough

on a teenager. My husband (then my boyfriend) and I went through this type of drama with my oldest and she was pretty
messed up for a few years. I think you are doing the right thing by staying out of it. My husband
realized early on that getting in the middle was NOT a good idea. He's a smart cookie.
It's hard not to be REALLY pissed at a child who treats you like shit, it's probably hurting him a lot and that's why he's not acting rationally.
The bottom line is he's her dad, it's for him and her mother to figure out what to do for her. My husband supported me emotionally
and understood my pain. That was the best thing he could've done.

[wildhorses]

11. thanks

:hi:

[crim son]

9. He's feeling guilty about his daughter and taking it out on you.

I don't think you've done anything wrong... this is classic divorced parent behavior. You are in a position here to learn something new about the man's character. If he doesn't call you back and apologize then he has a problem you can't fix. :hug: I hope he calls soon and tells you you were absolutely right, because you are.

[wildhorses]

10. thanks crim son

:hug:

[speedoo]

14. I agree with crim son.

From your description of the situation, you were right in hanging up on him. Actually, it might have been better to say something like... "If you can't speak to me in a normal tone, with respect, I'm going to hang up."

Good luck, but don't allow this guy to treat you badly. You deserve a good man, and frankly, he may not be the one.

[wildhorses]

29. i wish now that i had said something but,

it is all water under the bridge now :hi:

[pscot]

12. Quit apologizing

He's the one who behaved badly. Sounds like a clue as to why his daughter is avoiding him. Call the cops on her? That'll really bring her around.

[wildhorses]

20. i did quit apologizing--

he dumped me--nothing left to apologize for

[Hugin]

13. Since he called you, you were justified in ending the call...

When he became agitated.

He's probably feeling some guilt about the divorce WRT his daughter. Many recently
divorced parents do, but, that doesn't mean you have to tolerate any abuse.

Bottom line is... It's TheSmoker's problem and not yours.

If he wants someone to talk to, fine. He seems to want you to become involved, not fine.

[wildhorses]

21. thank you--

and it HIS problem for sure now cos he just dumped me

[Haole Girl]

15. I'll just throw this little idea out there...

Do you suppose, possibly, TheSmoker did not call you back as a means of control? I mean...he can't seem to control his 17-year old (and who can control a 17-year old), so he wants to have control in another situation? It's just an idea that popped into my head.

I wish you well...please don't blame yourself for his problems. :hug:

[wildhorses]

22. yes, i think he was trying to manipulate the situation

to suit his idea of what a good parent he is.


thanks KC2

[cwydro]

16. Lots of good advice here -

keep us posted.:hug:

[wildhorses]

23. update--he dumped me

will prolly start an update thread---don't know when though cos you know--

happy thanksgiving :hug:


it is a relief actually :shrug:

[idgiehkt]

17. This is me...right here:

re this:

"not good of me i know but, frankly it was starting to border on verbal abuse via telephone...me staying calm and trying to reason and him just getting more adamant about calling the cops (wtf?")

please listen to your heart on this. It sounds like you are a very caring person who is identifying with the daughter on this. The fact that you say you didn't have a good relationship with your Dad at that age tells me that you have experience to share in that dept. and he should listen to you. Of course he should apologize, but that may not be enough. It makes it more complicated for you in that you have genuine concern about the daughter, that shows what a good person you are but it won't change him. She'll be up and out from under him in a year if not a whole lot sooner from the looks of it, so if I were you I would be most concerned about my own mental health. :hug:

[wildhorses]

24. you are right

and i am glad to be shed of him

thanks and LOVE the BIG RED FLAG:P

:hug:

[Quantess]

18. Leave him alone until he calls you back.

He will call you, eventually, once he calms down.

Don't bring up his daughter. It's his business, and not so much your business. I understand he might be making it your business, but it's not your job to be a parental figure AT ALL, at this point in your relationship.

It should be just between you and him. A new love doesn't need this kind of tension.

IMO, try your best not to get involved in the father-daughter thing. As long as he isn't abusive to her, don't get involved. Unless you want to ruin your relationship with him.

[wildhorses]

25. i really don't think he will call me back

i sent him an e-mail saying i was confused

he sure set me straight with his reponse...

details will be posted later

when i can get my shit together good enough to post a decent thread about the whole sordid affair.

[Quantess]

31. Be strong! Have self confidence!

It's okay...you are obviously beautiful enough for that guy to be your boyfriend...there will be more guys willing to give you their world.

Do not call guys repeatedly. Do not call guys to bitch at them. Do not call guys to check up on them.

Ladies, this is called SELF CONFIDENCE.
Go get some, before you find yourself married to Tom Cruise.

[Quantess]

33. It's called

Let him call you.

[wildhorses]

35. at this point i hope he NEVER calls me again!!

on to bigger and better *hell yeah*

the dumbass has just lost the BEST Thing he ever had :woohoo:

those were his words BTW :rofl:

[wildhorses]

34. i do NOT make habit of calling guys--

but, i do accept responsibility for my bad judgement and try to show the proper remorse and try to rectify my mistake. :shrug:

i wanted closure on this situation ASAP and i got it :applause:

and tom cruise is too short for me anyway:P

[some guy]

19. for starters do nothing.

HE owes YOU an apology. So that has to start with him calling you or coming to see you. Having him call would be better.

If he can talk to you calmly and rationally, you can ask him if he wants advise from you, and if he does, point out that he needs to actually consider the advice you might offer rather than simply rejecting it.

His divorce is still relatively recent, so it seems to me, he really hasn't got that all wrapped up and settled emotionally/psychologically - he may not actually be ready to be involved with you, and you may need to think about breaking off your relationship with him.

Of course, it probably doesn't help that we're getting into the silly season - it's a very emotional time of year for most people.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving (and be happy you're not going to be with his family tomorrow - sure to be drama there, with the ex, the daughters...)

:hug:

[wildhorses]

27. yes, i think it will be tension at the table in TheSmoker's

household and i hope the ham he serves ...well never mind

i truly wish the best for all concerned

thanks for the :hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

26. Be fair to yourself first

Find a new guy to date

[wildhorses]

28. you know any that might be interested?

a slightly used :kick:

[Whoa_Nelly]

32. Sorry...haven't found any either new or used

for over six years... Oh well...better to hug the pillow at night rather than someone who thinks I'll be their doormat ;)

[wildhorses]

36. pillows are very under rated--doncha think

:hug: :yourock: :hug:

[billyskank]

37. Hey

:loveya:

[wildhorses]

40. i could just eat you up!!!

i love you so much :*

of all the kindness shown me :hug:

it is your post that is finally bringing on the tears :cry:

you are my bread :loveya:

[billyskank]

41. ....

:hug:

[buddhamama]

38. separating yourself from the situation

was a good idea. don't allow him to disrespect you. i understand you feel bad about hanging up on him but, if he was irrational, whatever chances are he wouldn't have receptive to anything you said anyway. best to let him handle this on his own, in his own way, for good or ill.

i hope it all works,
you deserve happiness and love. :hug:

[wildhorses]

39. thanks for being you buddhamama

:hug: and happy thanksgiving :hi: