Am I wrong to be creeped out by this?!

[YellowRubberDuckie]

There's a lady at work who had a miscarriage at 5 months. The baby passed away right after it was born. They took pictures of the baby in the crib she already had ready for it.
Now the lady has the pictures up on the wall of her cubicle. Everyday we walk by this cubie and now everyone is creeped out by this. Is it wrong we're creeped out by this? I can see putting a few pictures up at home, but at work?
Now, saying that, I must say I'm even creeped out by people who frame sonogram pictures and bring them to work. What do you guys think?
Duckie

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. It seems creepy and morbid to me, too, but maybe it makes her feel better.

So I guess I'd just try not to look at the photos and let the poor woman grieve in her own way.

[MrCoffee]

2. I'd be creeped out...

but grief is grief.

[Ariana Celeste]

3. grief is weird.

in my family we all just get shitfaced, but everyone has their own ways of dealing with it

[China_cat]

4. I don't even keep the pictures out

of my daughter who died at 5 days old. It would raise questions I don't want to keep answering and keep the pain so fresh that I'd never be able to draw a comfortable breath.

Some things should not be out for permanent public review, death and sex being 2 of them. She shared the grief while it was fresh, now it's time to 'keep it in your heart and cherish it'. It should not be kept out there in an effort to say 'feel sorry for me'.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

5. That's rather creepy to me.

I've heard cases of people taking pictures of still borns, as part of the grieving process.

I've never heard of people taking five month miscarriages, puting it in a crib, then taking pictures of it.

[Book Lover]

6. Why do you care?

This is a grieving person - cut her some slack.

[undeterred]

7. Creeped out.

A friend of ours put her greyhound dog in the freezer after it died, and I thought that was a little weird too.

[filer]

8. I know this is judgmental of me, but...

that woman needs psychiatric help. Sorry, that's just gross.

[progressoid]

9. Not creeped out but

that lady is gonna need some serious therapy.

[Left Is Write]

10. No, you're not wrong to be creeped out. You can't help what you feel.

But grief, as has been said, can do strange things to people. Such loss can be soul-crushing, and it may make this woman feel better to have evidence of child's existence close to her. Too often in cases of this type of loss, other people are unwilling or unable to acknowledge the baby, that the baby was an important part of the parents' lives, and that they are grieving the loss of an actual child. The pictures may just be her way of saying, "My baby was real. My baby existed." It's undoubtedly part of her grieving and healing process.

[graywarrior]

11. Someone in my own family did that with their still birth.

That is why I have no contact with them. And I know I'm crazy, so you can imagine what they're like. So yes, IT'S FUCKING CREEPY!

[Mojambo]

12. It's fucking weird.

I could see something like that being kept at home, but at work seems very creepy.

I don't want to sound callous, but it almost seems like she's shoving her grief (which I admit must be extraordinary) into her co-workers' faces.

I've always been of the mind to want to hold my grief very close to me and not put it on display, but that's just me.

[liontamer]

13. if she gave birth to a live baby, she didn't have a miscarriage

she's grieving, cut her slack.

[blondeatlast]

18. Excellent point. Let the poor woman grieve, IMHO. nt

[skygazer]

14. I find it terribly sad

People cope with grief in different ways. I can't blame you for being creeped out but this woman is probably just trying to work through her grief in a way that feels right to her. All you have to do is not look.

That said, it's probably not the way I'd deal with it but I can somewhat understand. I was just in trof's thread about the birthday cake for the deceased woman - people act so odd when someone dies. They act as if the person never existed. That's terribly painful for those who loved and miss them. This woman is probably just trying to keep her child's presence alive. I think some compassion is in order.

[CBHagman]

15. I would just hope that she would get through this.

Yes, I would feel just as you do. I would simply avert my eyes and not bring up the topic unless she really needs to talk about what happened.

If she shows signs of other problems, though, perhaps human resources can point her in the direction of a counselor.

However, that said, there are people who take pictures of the dead. This custom goes back quite a bit, and though I find it disturbing, it's accepted in various families and communities.

[BlueIris]

16. Wrong? No. But I'd be keeping my feelings about someone else's

tragedy to myself. If your boss or someone from HR wants to make an issue of it, that's one thing. But, dude, you're not the story here. Don't you have, you know...work to do in the office?

[YellowRubberDuckie]

21. Very little...

And her cubie is on the way to the bathroom. The pictures are hard to miss.
Duckie

[blondeatlast]

17. Creepy, yes, but as long as they aren't easily viewed by others,

I would cut her some slack if you can find it in your heart. A little understanding has to be very welcome for her right now.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

22. Oh, but she put them where they are seen by anyone walking to the door.

[blondeatlast]

25. Hate to sound callous, but--don't look. Otherwise, talk to your supervisor about it

if it bothers you so much that you have to post here about it.

If it's that obvious that you can see it without making a degree of effort to, then the supervisor needs to get involved.

As I say, I agree it's kind of creepy, but as liontamer points out upthread, she really didn't miscarry, for one thing. The baby was born alive if what you say is true. She's obviously in pain.

You can't know her grief, but you can avoid it if you can't help her with it.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

26. Actually, I just reread the email about what happened...

She miscarried, and they delivered the baby.
Duckie

[ironflange]

19. There are web sites where you can post such pics

And write about the experience. I suppose it's part of the healing process for some, but it's certainly not for me.

[crim son]

20. At one time it was common practice to take a picture

of the body/face of a dead loved one. Why, I don't know.

[badgerpup]

35. I saw a book of pictures of the dead once...

It was called "Silent Beauty" or something like that.
The whole effect wasn't exactly creepy, as you might expect, but very somber and thoughtful.
Made you think about these people, how they once existed.

Are other people being creeped out by the pics? What would happen if a friend or somebody from HR asked her to put them in a different part of her cubicle so that they aren't immediately visible to everyone walking by?

Everyone handles grief differently, but I think it's most discourteous to constantly shove it other peoples' faces.

[crim son]

37. Yeah, I've seen a collection of those pictures too.

Many of the deceased are infants of course.

[trof]

23. Yep, creeped. Similar:

Nephew and wife had a stillborn at full term.
They have an album.
I dunno.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

24. That is a little different.

The album is a little creepy, but it's not as bad as pictures up at the office of a 5 month old fetus.
Duckie

[Gold Metal Flake]

27. Creep, obsessive.

I think some therapy would be a good idea.

[cwydro]

28. I would definitely be weirded out by that

partly, because I would feel so bad for her..and seeing the pics if they are as obvious as you say...one would feel one should say something...but what?

Poor woman. That is a very sad story.

[latebloomer]

29. You're not wrong

Your feelings are your feelings, and I would be creeped out too.

Although I did put a picture of my used Tampax up in my office after a month of trying to get pregnant (sorry, couldn't resist!) :spank:

[Writer]

30. It sounds like that woman is carrying an incredible amount of guilt.

She posted that picture, I think, because she feels she owes her late baby a "life" that was taken away from him/her - so the baby lives on in the pictures. My instinct says that she feels somehow that she was responsible for not being able to provide that for her baby, so seeing him/her in her crib must provide her with a sense of closure.

I bet, in time, she'll take them down after she's finally moved on. If not, she needs a hand on her shoulder.

In short: Yes, it's fucking creepy. This woman needs a therapist!

[NC_Nurse]

31. Everyone grieves differently.

I think it's odd that she's brought the pictures to work.
How long ago did the miscarriage occur?
Although I don't think that posting the pictures at work is appropriate, I'm not sure
whether I'd be up for doing anything about it.

It's very common for parents to take photos of infants that are miscarried or stillborn. I have helped with that many times.
I think it really helps them to say goodbye and grieve. It's her bringing them to work that seems a bit off.

[spacelady]

32. Not wrong to have your own feelings about it, she has her feelings

as well. Be her friend, ignore the pics.

[Dastard Stepchild]

33. At 5 months, that seems more like a preemie baby...

that died under failure to thrive conditions. Which, I would imagine, is a very difficult thing for a mother to experience. The pictures must give her some sense of comfort.

You certainly are not wrong to have any form of an emotional reaction to those pictures. :)
However, many people do post pictures of their deceased loved ones... this one perhaps just feels a bit off because of the circumstances surrounding the infant's very short life and very rapid death. Are you most upset about the picture itself, or the feelings of awkwardness from witnessing such a public form of grieving in a work space? I would imagine that could engender the "creep" feeling as well - we tend to view grieving as a very private thing here in the US, so public displays tend to generally put us on edge.

If possible, maybe just try to walk past her space without looking into her cube for the time being. And I hope she is able to find peace as she works through this.

[LoZoccolo]

34. This story I'm about to tell you might creep you out more.

I remember years ago there was this woman who's son died, I don't know how old he was, and the kid donated sperm and had it frozen before he died, and the mother was all attached to it because it was the only possibility of passing on his genes or something and like there was some kind of court order to take it away for some reason (maybe the father wanted it or something) and she was crying on TV about it. But I can't imagine being in that kind of grief.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

39. That is icky.

:scared:

[LoZoccolo]

41. I searched around and found some cases like that.

It seems the legal barriers are things like if the person who donated checked a box that they wanted it destroyed if they died and stuff like that. Which is like, wouldn't you want to honor his wishes if your son died?

[Redstone]

36. Oh, yuck. That's the most morbid thing I've EVER heard. Yes, you're right

to be creeped out.

Redstone

[Jamastiene]

38. No, because it is creepy...

and morbid.

[ScreamingMeemie]

40. You're not wrong to be creeped out by it. You can't help it. But she

is not wrong to grieve the death of her baby. If the baby is born alive it is not considered a miscarriage. If the baby is born after 20 weeks (aka 5 months) it is issued a birth certificate and must be sent to the morgue. I feel sorry for this woman who is obviously having a difficult time. But I feel for you in the manner she chose to deal with it. I wouldn't do anything because I've been in that woman's shoes. I rocked a snowsuit for months after I lost a late term pregnancy. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

42. Interesting, Is It Ever "Wrong" To Have A Feeling?

I think if it freaks you out, it freaks you out-

The odd thing is that a fetus (different states have different laws) at around that age usually has to be taken to the morgue.

My friend here in Arkansas (a state away, but we're blue now, yeah! BTW I'm from Oklahoma-Stillwater)a woman presented to the Emergency Department at the hospital that I work with. My friend was the house supervisor that day and she told me that something freaked her out in that a woman came in during a miscarriage at 20 weeks. If the fetus had been any older by one week, they would have had to have the the coroner examine and treat it as a dead "baby", which is strange, and she thought it to be strange in two ways. One the family wanted to take the fetus home, I guess to bury it at home. And strange that the law is so specific (now that is in Arkansas where despite the fact that we are now "blue" 2 Dem Senators, Dem Governor's mansion, Dem majority in house it is a very conservative blue)

So what's my point? I don't think it is wierd to be creeped out by something that is unusual now. It probably wouldn't have been so unusual in the past, and it is possible that we as a society have creeped ourselves out about death to a degree that makes it hard to deal with it. (that's not saying something about you but about society in general, myself included as I find it a little creepy)

:hi: