Did it ever happen to you

[MissHoneychurch]

that a death of someone you don't know touched you a lot? Because it brought back memories of your own past when a family member died?

The father of the guy I started to date died last Friday. He sent me an email Sunday telling me about it and canceling our date yesterday. No question about that. But since he told me I am rather sad because it reminds me of the time my father died 5 years ago. It was a very hard time for me back then and I feel with him now. And for him it is worse because he father died shortly before Christmas and - as it sounds - suddenly.
Yesterday I called in sick but I wasn't sick. I was just so sad I couldn't handle going to work. I slept away most of the day and the rest of the time I remembered my father and the year 2001. I am still sad but getting better.

My dad with me shortly after I was born 1975


With him between Christmas and New Years Eve 2000, half a year before he died

[reformedrepub]

1. Yup

after 9/11, I went to alot of funerals, some of the guys I barely knew. But seeing the widows and children was tough...Hang in there, Miss HC.

[MissHoneychurch]

3. Oh I can't even imagine how tough that must have been

whenever I see the pictures and hear the song "Wind beneath my wings" by Bette Midler I start crying. How much harder must it have been for you and the families.

:hug:

[reformedrepub]

4. Honestly

the worst part of the whole thing, was being down at the site day after day, finding victims and still not being able to give every family a piece of their loved one.

[SeattleGirl]

7. You know, I cannot even imagine the pain of that experience.

It had to just tear you apart inside.

[MissHoneychurch]

8. How do you deal with it?

:hug:

[reformedrepub]

You really cant

look at the bodies as people. I know it sounds really cold, but if you actually looked at them as people, with families, you could not do your job. Especially the children.

[MissHoneychurch]

16. I can understand that

I heard that a lot of emergency people develop a very black humor to deal with what they see.

I have the uttermost respect for people who can do things like that. Like you :hug:

[reformedrepub]

19. Thanks

Miss HC....:hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

23. Nothing to thank for

it is the truth

:hug:


How are you doing otherwise?

[reformedrepub]

27. Hanging in there

how about you??

[MissHoneychurch]

31. Hanging in there as well

I will do better as soon as I get out of this hole. Coming weekend I will meet another DUer in Munich. She lives there since August.
And the weekend after there is already Christmas and I will be with my mom, her bf and my brother.

[reformedrepub]

35. cool

Have a great Christmas....

[MissHoneychurch]

37. You too

what are your plans?

[SeattleGirl]

17. I understand that pretty well.

My mom and both my sisters have worked at the same hospital for years. I remember during dinner time when I was younger, they would talk about "the prostate cancer in 403" or "the breast cancer in 201", etc. It wasn't that they didn't care. It was that the DID, very much.

When you work in an extreme environment, you have to come up with ways to cope. Looking at bodies as bodies, or at patients as diseases, is a coping mechanism. My mom and my sisters are three of the most caring people I know. I sense that you are also a very caring person, and coping with that situation in that way probably helps you keep your sanity.

[reformedrepub]

20. Thanks

SG

[SeattleGirl]

21. You're very welcome.

:pals:

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

79. I drove ambulance for a while, MANY years ago...

... had to give it up after responding to a head-on with a drunk.
   Those who provide emergency services of this type -- EMT, Trauma Team, Fire, S&R -- have my utmost respect!

[SeattleGirl]

2. Yes, it's definitely happened to me.

My father died 30 years ago. About 25 years ago or so, I was living with a friend of mine. Her father died, and when she got off the phone with her mother, and told me, it hit me like a brick wall, at a very deep level.

The really interesting thing was, as I was reeling from that, I felt the presence of MY father, with his arm around me, comforting me. Because of that, I was able to get past my own grief, and comfort my friend.

[MissHoneychurch]

5. I know what you mean

with the presence of your father. Sometimes (not always) I feel like he is close to me. Sometimes I dream of him, esp. on days shortly before b-days or Christmas. I feel comforted by it.

I can'T comfort this friend. We don't know each other well enough yet. But I wish I could.

[SeattleGirl]

9. Well, Honey, you may be able to comfort him to some extent,

even if it may not be to the extent that you wish you could.

I know that when my father died, people I did not know very well sent notes, or called, and believe me, it meant a lot to me.

[MissHoneychurch]

12. I sent him a poem by email

and told him that maybe maybe it helps him a bit.

I also told him how sorry I am and that he can call me if he wants to talk. But he won't do that. First of all he is a man, secondly we don't know each other well enough yet. As I said before.

[SeattleGirl]

13. Well, sweetie, you did what you could.

And remember, when we reach out to someone, offer them comfort, we don't always know the inpact it will have on them, but it always has an impact.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

15. I hope it does

I hope he can tell that I care.


:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

18. I'll bet he can tell.

It's a rather frustrating situation you are in, for certain. But again, when someone reaches out, it can be invaluable.

[MissHoneychurch]

22. Two things that I remember

one with me on the giving side

In 1998 I was in Savannah, GA for Christmas. I stayed at one of the librarians house (That was after I was already back in Germany after my intership and I just came back for a visit). She had another lady there (I believe it was a relative) who was very upset because her husband just died. So I was sitting with her in the living room and she suddenly started crying. I just got up, walked over to her and hugged her. It was the best I could do in that situation.

one with me on the receiving side

In 2001 I worked in a One-person-library in a small private college for elderly people. After my father died I got a condolence letter from the students. And also from one of the teachers I had a closer relationship with (nothing intimate, we just had a great connection). Also my boss back then gave me the week off after my fathe died. And it was a paid extra vacation, I didn't had to use my vacation days for it. I was very thankful for that.

[SeattleGirl]

24. See, my friend.

People reach out in different ways, and it always makes a difference. :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

25. Yes it does

as far as I remember that one teacher was even in the U.S. at that time and when he heard he sent me an email.

I always try to reach out. I can't not do it.

[SeattleGirl]

28. You know, this is a bit different, but one of the most caring things

anyone has ever done for me is when my ex-husband called to tell me his mother had died. She had cancer, and I was in school at the time. I always got sick when I went home for break, so I was not able to see her, though I did call her on the phone frequently. She was a wonderful woman that I was blessed to have come into my life. When my ex called to tell me she had passed, we cried together. And I will always be grateful to him for doing that, because he knew how much his mother meant to me.

[MissHoneychurch]

30. You know

my parents were seperated 10 years and divorced 5 years when my father got sick and then died. It was never a question for my mother to be there and help. She took vacation to be there when he died. She went with me when I had to go to see the doctor and found out what is wrong with him. Even though they didn't love each other anymore they still cared (they had 2 kids together after all). I am still very grateful to my mom. Not every divorced couple is able to do such a thing. And I am sure my dad would have done the same thing if the situation would have been reversed.

So yes, I see where you and your ex-husband were standing. At situations like that everything else doesn't matter.

[SeattleGirl]

33. How true.

That was a very wonderful thing for your mother to do.

My ex's family and my family are still very intertwined. My youngest brother and youngest BIL both work for my ex. At Mother's Day year before last, I was in Oregon visiting my mom, and took some flowers over to my former FIL's wife (he remarried after my MIL died). Jack told me those were probably the only flowers Casey would get that day (the boys aren't too good at that kind of thing). My ex keeps up on my mom's health. So, divorce, while it is painful and does change things, also does not change things in a way, in that we can reach into our souls and find the love and care to give to those same people.

[MissHoneychurch]

36. My moms mother was very upset

that my mom left my dad. In between you had the feeling she liked him more than her own daughter. I was always thankful that my parents stayed friends and never fought their fight on my brothers and my back. We stayed with my dad but visited my mom every weekend and after school. And talked to her and stuff. It ws never a question about that.

I am glad that you and your former inlaws are still in such a good contact. Just because your marriage didn't work out doesn't mean your or them are suddenly bad persons.

[SeattleGirl]

38. That's absolutely right.

One thing that my ex and I did was vow that we would never, EVER talk badly about each other to our daughter. And we never did. There is no need for that. In fact, that really angers me, people using their children as pawns in their divorce fight.

Edited to add: The only real excuse for not wanting one's former spouse to see the children is if that former spouse was abusive to the children. Otherwise, get out of the way.

[MissHoneychurch]

39. We agree on that

Thank you SG for listening and talking about your own experiences. I am about to leave for about an hour because my boss gives a small party (as thank you for the help she had from some people here with her exhibition some months ago).

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

40. You are welcome.

Have fun at the party. :pals:

[Guava Jelly]

6. I am sorry sweetie

I lost my mom a few years back.And once in awhile things remind me of her.
Let me just offer you a :hug:
He was a handsome man.
And you are such a cutie!

[MissHoneychurch]

11. Thank you GoP

the hug helps :hug:

He was an intelligent man regarding math. But not so intelligent regarding women. Oh well, everybody has it flaws.

[Guava Jelly]

43. Yes everyone does.(have flaws)

He didn't have any flaws in the baby making department though.
You came out wonderful :)

[MissHoneychurch]

54. I got the leftovers

:)

My brother is way more intelligent and has the better body :rofl: I always joke that I got what didn't fit with him anymore. I am more down to earth than he is and to tell the truth I am not upset about it.

[emmajane67]

10. I am sorry you are feeling sad Miss HC.

Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel. Sounds like you did the right thing to take the day off and allow yourself to be sad and remember your Father.

Do the best you can to be there for the new man in your life, he will appreciate your ability to empathise with how he is feeling. But look after yourself first and foremost if it hurts too much.

You sound like a lovely, caring person to me which is why you can put yourself in this mans shoes.

I am sorry you are hurting, I hope you start to feel better soon.

[MissHoneychurch]

14. Thank you emmajane

At the moment I can't do anything for this man. I sent him a condolence email and a poem but I can't do more. He told me he needs to take care of his family and himself right now and that he will contact me again after the holidays. I accept his decision and leave him alone. We just had one date so far and haven't talked about private things yet. I did offer him to call me if he wants to talk but it is rather unlikely that he will.

[emmajane67]

32. You offered what you could...

and are respecting his wishes to have some time. That is great that you could do even that.

I hope you are okay too though. Maybe treat yourself to something nice.

[MissHoneychurch]

34. I treated myself Saturday

for a nice set of underwear, a blouse and a shirt. That ought do :)

And talking about it here in DU helps me a lot also. That you and others are listening - or rather reading.

:hug:

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

81. Any time, Liebchen, any time!

   You know you have only to speak... and you have my e-mail AND my number! :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

83. I know Moon

but I can't bother you with anything since I now know that you are having enough troubles yourself :hug:

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

87. Sounds like PM or e-mail material to me...

[lildreamer316]

26. Look at that face!!!

Oh my lord you were a cute baby.

That's so sweet.

Bless you and your dad.

I lost mine in 94---

[MissHoneychurch]

29. You flatter me

there was nothing special about me (still isn't) except for my parents :D Did you see how uninterested my brother looks in that pic?

:hug:

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

82. "... nothing special..."? I BEG to differ, liebchen!

   Those of us here who are privileged to know you, Miss Honey, know better... You are VERY special indeed...
   That you call me "friend" does me great honor!

[AirmensMom]

41. Yes, it has.

I've been remembering my own dad this week more than usual.

Thanks for the pics, MissHC. They're wonderful. :hug: :loveya:

[MissHoneychurch]

42. I hope it wasn't my fault

you had to listen to me even more than the rest :hug:

:loveya:

[AirmensMom]

44. Your fault?

No. I was already missing him a lot ... with the other stuff that's happening. Knowing that someone else lost his dad brought it back ... but it's certainly not your fault. And I like thinking of my dad, even if it makes me sad. :hug: :loveya: :pals:

[MissHoneychurch]

48. Well so it is my fault

as I told you about it in my emails.

I am glad though that the memories are good even though it makes you sad. It is the same for me. For example. A couple of days before my dad died I did arm wrestling with him. Kinda. He won. And smiled. It was so cute. It is such a nice memory for me that I made him smile shortly before he died.

:hug: :loveya: :pals:

[buddhamama]

45. it has happened to me,

i am kinda feeling down myself.

your Dad was a handsome fellowe, MHC, and you are a doll! thanks for posting the pictures.

i am sorry you are feeling down. it is good to talk about your feelings,
sometimes it is even good to "wallow" in our feelings,
to release the emotions, and feel what we need to.

i am sorry for your loss. :hug: :loveya: :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

49. I am sorry buddhamama

I guess so close to the holidays one thinks more often about the ones who are gone than on other days.

It helps a lot to talk about.


:hug: :loveya:

[Callalily]

46. Ah MissH!

Sending you a big extra

Yes, events often trigger memories. When Rev Cheesehead was posting about her mom, it brought back memories when my mom passed away. No matter how many years go by, there's always that bit of sadness, that bit of emptiness, that bit of loneliness. It's always there, just lingering in the background.

I have friends that complain about their mom's, but I remind them that at least they have one.

:hi: :loveya: :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

51. Thanks for the extra big hug

I am really glad that I still have my mom. I miss my dad a lot though. He would have turned 60 this year. And I can't imagine him being 60 for some reason. Strange, isn't it? He died with 55.

There is always something that triggers the memory. I wish my dad would still be alive.

Ooops, I forgot :blush: :

:hug: :loveya: :pals: :hi:

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

84. "... at least they have (moms)." Amen to THAT, SF!

   Mine died in 1986, right before Samhain... She'd have been 81 this past Tuesday (12/12).
   {{{{{:hug: HUGS :hug:}}}}} to all who have lost loved ones.

[SPKrazy]

47. Every Loss We Encounter

reminds us of every loss we've encountered

He lost his father and it reminded you of your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss MHC!

:hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

53. Thank you Southpawiker

One image that keeps me from getting too sad is how my dad with our late cat on his lap sits together with my grandfathers and my uncle (each having their cat on the lap) and philosophing about math. And my great grandmother stands behind them and shakes her head. It is a beautiful image and one day I will see them again.


:hug:

[miss_american_pie]

50. I'm so sorry

I wish I knew what to say to ease your pain. :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

52. The hug helps already

and that you replied.

Thank you map

:hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

55. Oh, MHC...

:hug: I'm so sorry for your friend and for you. :pals: Losing your dad was tough, and I know it's tough on your friend. You show a great deal of empathy and compassion to have his father's death affect you so deeply. :hug:

My sympathies to your friend and to you. :)

[MissHoneychurch]

56. Thank you NWC

:hug:

One would think 5 years is a long time but it really isn't. I am going to miss my dad till I die. He misses out so much in my life I wish he could have seen. I had a very close relationship with my dad, it hurts to know he is gone. And it hurt me a lot when he was sick and seeing him losing his abilities. Physically any psychically.


PS: WOW, I wrote everything correctly and that even though I am tipsy (and still at work) :wow:

[Brewman_Jax]

57. I can appreciate your pain

my GF lost her dad in October. He wasn't in good health, but his passing was not expected. I sent a fruit basket to her mother's house (thanks, Mom). I know that it was very difficult.

It can only get better. :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

59. I am sorry for your gf

I know you have trouble with your parents but be glad that you still have them.

:hug:



... you have a gf???? :wow: (I better behave then I guess :blush:)

[Brewman_Jax]

61. But, you have a new date

:P

You're gonna behave? I doubt it. :evilgrin:

[MissHoneychurch]

62. Yes, I have a new date

but that doesn't mean that I don't still want you :P

Admit it, you would miss something if I would behave :evilgrin:

[Brewman_Jax]

63. You're right

I'm not worthy!

[MissHoneychurch]

65. Oh you are worthy

more than you give yourself credit for.

Did I ever mention that it really felt comfy huggin you? Honestly :hug:

[Brewman_Jax]

68. You're too kind

[MissHoneychurch]

71. I'm honest

why do you think I gave you a kiss on the cheek :blush:

[Brewman_Jax]

72. Hmm...

bad girl :evilgrin:

[MissHoneychurch]

73. I didn't hear you complain

:D

[BarenakedLady]

58. I'm sorry

That you lost your dad, and that your new friend did too. I can't imagine that pain. I mean, I know I will have to face it eventually, but I can't think about it right now.

:hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

60. Cherish the time you have

but don't think about what will come. Give them an extra hug this Christmas or whenever you see them and tell them you love them.

I hug my mom often now when I visit her. Just because I feel like it.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

64. Yes, I have felt that way...

...And, don't feel badly for taking a day off of work because you needed some time to yourself...that is only natural. I'm so sorry about your Dad...I love the pics, by the way. Please take care...
Hugs for you.. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

66. Thank you KC2

those hug help.

I don't feel bad about taking the day off. Just a bit because I took sick leave even though I wasn't sick.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

67. To me, when I do that (rarely, but I do)....

...I consider it an investment in my mental health! :-)

Speaking of which...I better run, since I'm late for work!! :hi:

[xmas74]

69. I'm sorry.

But we need to talk soon on yahoo. Don't worry-it'll be a much happier topic. My Girl Scout troop could use your expertise as a German citizen.

[MissHoneychurch]

70. I'm online daily

in the evenings (my time), just invisible. Just hit me up. I'll be glad to help.

:hug:

[xmas74]

74. We need tons of different ideas

about what to do.

I'll try to send you an im later on in ref to what we need to do.

[MissHoneychurch]

75. Alright

if I don't see it tonight, I'll answer tomorrow

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

76. {{{{{HUGS!}}}}}

[MissHoneychurch]

77. Thank you Moon

:hug:

I am doing better today already.

It is good to see you. Sorry that I haven't replied yet to your email. I will do so tonight, I promise.

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

78. I am pleased to hear you are doing better today...

   I am always willing to wait for you, liebchen... reply when you can! :hug:
   There are prayer candles lit on my altar for your friend... and for you! :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

80. Thank you

you know it means a lot to me. And you.

:hug:

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

85. I'm sorry you're suffering

I love the pictures of you and your dad. My dad had a heart attack three days before Christmas 1982 and died the next summer, so I'm always sad this time of year. Mom also died in January 1987, one week after her birthday and two weeks after the New Year, so it's just a generally sucky time for me. It is amazing how profoundly another's death can affect us. I guess it really shows that "no man is an island."

Sorry if this makes no sense - I'm home with a cold and my brain isn't functioning properly. Take care, and I hope you feel better soon. It does get easier with time, but you'll never, ever forget.

[MissHoneychurch]

86. You make sense

Thank you for your words. Yes, it does get easier but I wouldn't want to forget. My dad ment too much to me for that to happen.

I hope you get through the holidays without too much sadness yourself

:hug: