I am so pissed at my mother right now...(rant).

[youthere]

My mom lives in Wisconsin and I live in Iowa. Since my siblings all live in Wisconsin by her, Christmas has always been 'mine'...she comes to spend Christmas with me and my family. When my dad (stepfather #1) was alive they always came together. My kids and I look forward to it every year.
My stepdad #1 (I considered him my father) died a couple of years ago, and my mother has recently remarried (a really nice man who treats her well) and suddenly she has decided that they need to spend Christmas with his daughters. I know it sounds as though I'm being petty and jealous (and I most likely am) but they spent Thanksgiving with his kids, and promised that they would be here for Christmas. My mom even said that she would be here even if her new husband didn't want to come. His kids all live within a 2 mile radius of them and they see them nearly every day. And it doubly pissed me off because when I called her today (we talk once a week) she only had "time" to tell me they weren't coming and then had to get off the phone because "Shelly" was there (that's his youngest daughter-she's 42 and lives three blocks away).
I'm so angry and hurt right now, I just don't know what to do.
I don't expect to be "#1" in her life, she has a new husband and I respect that. But I didn't expect to come in last behind her husband,his kids, his grandkids etc..
Okay..now I'm crying.

[miss_american_pie]

1. I'm sorry

:hug:

[youthere]

3. Thanks M_A_P.

I need that.

[zingaro]

2. You know, family has the power to hurt like no one else.

I'm sorry. Your mom is apparently reshuffling priorities in an attempt to make everyone happy. It sucks that you're the one feeling squeezed.

[youthere]

7. I think this was just the straw that broke the camel's back..

it's been building for awhile. Ever since she got married all she talks about are his kids, and his grandkids. She never even asks about her OWN grandkids anymore. The last eight months our chats have revolved around what geniuses his daughters are and how his grandchildren are more talented and brilliant than any other children in the world and how they discovered cold fusion while performing brain surgery blah blah blah.
He is a wonderful man and they obviously care for each other deeply. I'm glad she's found someone to make her happy. It just sucks that it means she's willing to throw her own daughter under the bus.

[Hugin]

4. Awe... That's so sad.

She needs to spend the holidays with you.

Some things are better like that.

:hugs:

[youthere]

9. Thanks Prag.

:hug:

[idgiehkt]

5. honestly

I think you should copy and paste this and send it to her. So at least she will know that you are hurt. My ex had the same kinds of problems with her step-siblings. She and her mom and sister were Alabama hicks, however her mom was quite attractive and managed to mary an engineer on her second marriage. His daughter was spoiled rotten, given all the advantages in life and now is a very successful physical therapist who owns her own practice. So my ex constantly has to deal with having all of this thrown in her face, despite the fact that she had none of the advantages D. did. As far as I am aware the only time she has ever voiced her feeling about it is when she went down there a few years ago to see them and was talking with her Mom and her mom jumped up and said "D. is here" and told her to "come in here and say hello to D" (D. and Mom live within miles of each other and see each other every day). My ex replied "well, seeing as how I just drove 500 miles to get here, if D. wants to say hello to me she can walk her ass in here where I am." Mainly that was just her being tired from the drive, but it's the same kind of dynamic. In my ex's case, though, it's been going on for 20 years. It may be that since this is all relatively new to your mom it may change as she gets bored of them. Sigh...I know it hurts.

[youthere]

10. I hope it changes..

When she told me she had to go because "Shelly" was there and she wanted to visit with her, I got a little pissy. I told her in my bitchiest voice "Well of course, it's not like you get to see her every day!" and I slammed down the phone. She hasn't called me back.
I think I will just write her a letter. I'm too angry and hurt by her to talk to her on the phone.

[idgiehkt]

6. dupe

man, my computer just went beserk.

I lost my africam too. :(

[lildreamer316]

8. I'm sorry.

I had a not-so-similar looking-but-similar-feeling thing happen on Thanksgiving...we had no ride to the family dinner; and the cousin that was supposed to pick us up FORGOT. I've only missed one dinner with the family in all my 33 years; until this one. It hurt me that me, husaband and child were not considered worth remembering.

SO.....
We made our own little dinner (in record time; no less!); and I've decided we will just have our OWN tradition! Screw it.

I hope you can make your own tradition and be happy.

We will all be here for you...:hug:

[youthere]

11. Family members can be such asshats sometimes...

Thanks lildreamer316..sorry your Thanksgiving had to start like that.
:hug:

[ThomCat]

12. I'm sorry. :(

As a general rule, family sucks. :(

I hope you have told her that you're upset about this. She should know. Otherwise she's rationalize that it's okay.

[youthere]

15. I'm thinking of writing her a long letter...

If I call her I'm afraid I will just get pissed off and hang up on her.

[Blue Gardener]

18. A letter would be good

But wait until tomorrow. Sometimes it's best to sleep on it. Or, write the letter and wait a couple of days before you send it. Anyway, here's a hug from another Iowa DU'er. :hug:

[youthere]

19. Thanks Blue..

that means a lot. It really really does.:hug:

[Beausoir]

13. It's very hurtful. Wish I could help. My friend is going through something very similar.

She is so upset and hurt and angry.

Why is it that Christmas seems to bring out the major hurts in families?

[youthere]

16. Sigh..

I wish I knew.

[NC_Nurse]

14. That really sucks.

I'm so sorry. Family can be so hurtful sometimes. I think I'd wait a while to talk with her so that you can
let her know how you feel in a way that she can hear without getting defensive. She may not realize how
important her visit was to you. She may also be getting pressured by the other side of the family. Who knows...

Don't let it ruin your holiday. You know you deserve better!
:hug:

[youthere]

17. Thanks NC-Nurse..

I couldn't talk to her right now if I wanted to. I'm just too mad.

[skygazer]

20. I know you're hurt and I don't blame you for that

But speaking as a mom, grandmom, significant other, daughter, sister and cousin, it gets really hard to juggle everyone. There kind of comes a time when you have to forge new traditions and you may be moving into that area. Or it may be that your mom just needs some time to re-configure her life - she could very well be being pulled in a lot of directions at once. I know I am at times.

If all your family is in Wisconsin, and the new step-dad's family is as well, maybe you might think about planning on going there for Christmas in future and being with all of them. It might not be perfect but life is a compromise.

And here's a hug because it sounds like you need one. :hug:

[youthere]

22. Thanks skygazer..

Unfortunately traveling there isn't possible for us due to my husband's work and other family committments. I wouldn't be angry if she would come to me and say "I feel pulled in so many different directions now.." (you know or something to that effect). It was more like "We're spending Christmas here. Get over it."
I would have loved to work something out like getting together before or after the holiday but after the "I want to visit with Shelley" thing I was just too mad. maybe I can talk to her in a couple days and be a little more rational.
Thanks for the hug skygazer.:hug:

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

24. Good plan ...

wait a couple of days, count to ten, whatever, just give yourself time to cool off.

You might not know what kind of pressure she's getting hit with, and don't want to add pressure.

Then maybe arrange for a phone call when she's not surrounded by other family.

I love juggling family at holidays.

[Ariana Celeste]

21. I'm so sorry

:hug:

That's pretty rough. I go through stuff like that with my mom (on a lesser level) sometimes... can really hurt. :(

[youthere]

23. It sure does..

:hug: back at ya' for your mom too.

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

25. Look at it this way...

Your mom has suddenly acquired a whole new bunch of stepkids, stepgrandkids, and other steprelatives. This is going to be her first Christmas as a member of this new family, and she wants to make sure they accept her. Sure, she may get to see them every day, but they've still only known her for a few months, whereas you've known her all your life. She may feel that she should spend as much time bonding with them as she can early on.

That said, she shouldn't have blown you off the way she did. It sounds like the holiday stress was getting to her, which is no surprise considering her situation, and she wasn't as polite as she should have been. In consequence, you lost your temper, as well.

Call her up tonight, say you're sorry, and have yourselves a nice long chat. If she's busy, don't be offended; just tell her that you'd really like to talk, so could she please make some time at her earliest convenience. Ask her to try and call you on Christmas, too.

[Darth_Kitten]

26. Maybe she's just trying to get to know the stepkids.......

but do let her know how you feel, she promised to make it to your place and she kind of put that off.

In fact, get on the phone with her now. Talk it out, don't hold it in.

[youthere]

27. I can't talk to her right now..

I know I have to talk to her about it, but the last thing I want to do is lash out at her out of spite and anger.
I'm still pretty angry this morning and I just need to cool off before I talk to her. Thanks Darth_Kitten...I know she's tryingto adjust to this new family dynamic too, and I can be "big" about it..as soon as I'm done feeling sorry for myself.;-)