Am I missing something here? (two bitchy sisters)

[Writer]

So Mr. Writer gets laid off, we can't make the trip to travel to be with family because Mr. Writer needs to stick around here for the possibility of acquiring work, and my two sisters are now upset with me for not making the trip to be with them?

Am I missing something here? Instead of offering what I would think would be words of support or encouragement, as well as sorrow for our not being able to join them, I get lectured on how it's a silly decision to make, and how it's more important that we go down and be with THEM. What? :wtf:

Mr. Writer called his family to announce the news, and they were sad but understanding. My two sisters? Their selfishness and complete disrespect for my individuality never ceases to amaze me. They simply do not believe that I'm able to conduct my own life sensibly. And I am 31 years-old. Incredible!

I have no words for it!

Here's my sister's note to me after I explained that we needed to stay so we could avoid the expense of travel and so Mr. Writer could concentrate on looking for work (she has not said one word to me this week, despite knowing about it):

"If he has ample time to look for work, then you guys can come down for Christmas. End of story.

You can keep your Christmas presents! I'm pouting.

I'll email you again when I'm in a better spirits."

[spacelady]

1. You know, I have a similar story & It just seems that sometimes even

your closest relatives & friends can be oblivious because they are not "in your shoes". They are not living your difficulties, so they cannot imagine your feelings.

My story: My husband is on a 6 month chemo regimen & he is going to be fine, but I am in a charitable ladies group that does fundraisers & I explained to a very dear friend that I would not be able to attend or help & she said why can't you go by yourself? I could, but it would not be pleasant without my husband. Need I say more?

[Writer]

2. The odd thing is, my dad let them know back on Monday or Tuesday that this had happened...

one of my sisters has YET to take the time to even call me, talk to me, and offer me her condolences... and these are the first words she writes me concerning this:

"If he has ample time to look for work, then you guys can come down for Christmas. End of story.

You can keep your Christmas presents! I'm pouting.

I'll email you again when I'm in a better spirits."

[spacelady]

3. Sounds like a clumsy way of saying they wish you would be there.

But still would have been nice to hear that they are sorry for your struggles, I get that too, it is an amazing disconnect. Makes me wonder if I have inadvertantly done that to them.?! It is just best to do what is right for your home life IMHO.

[Writer]

4. You are witnessing sociopathy in progress....

kicking someone when they're down; complete callousness and cruelty. The funny thing is, the note I sent had many good things to say about our friends supporting us, etc. It really wasn't a mournful note by any means. I think that is the thing what has irked this particular sister - that I'm not suffering over this. That we're making the best of it, and we must do what is best for ourselves during this time.

My mom is a pathological narcissist and passed it down to my two sisters. At least the other one was a bit more human about it. I have constantly been shocked by how cruel and unempathetic they can be.

[spacelady]

5. Yes, this is resonating with me. Tell me, do you get accused of being

"difficult" perchance? :) I don't even know you, but I want to send you a hug. OOO

[Writer]

7. No, but this is their attempt to control.

It's controlling behavior. I'm not my own person, I'm THEIRS. Theirs to bully, tell what to do, and feed off of when they're miserable. And they are both in their early 40's.

Thanks for the hug. :)

[treestar]

42. I knew they were older

Just knew it!

:hug:

[Scout1071]

23. OMG.

I responded down thread, but I am really going thru something similar.

My sister called me yesterday morning. I had only been awake for about one minute when I heard the phone. I picked up, she started talking about some plans later in the day, I was confused - asked a question about the time - and she blew up. Totally irrational. Slammed the phone down on me and hasn't answered since. The hard part is that I took the day off to take my niece and nephew to a special exhibit that I had been promising to take them to for over a month. It was my gift to my nephew for his birthday. She never picked up the phone and I found out through my mother that she took the kids without me yesterday. I've been heartbroken and intermittently crying about it ever since. I just could never imagine treating anyone the way she sometimes treats me. It is beyond cruel.

Edited to add that she launched a similar attack on me a few years ago just before my birthday. She took my birthday gift back and has never given me so much as a card for my birthday since. And we have our birthdays in the same week. It's so hurtful.

[Writer]

27. That is horrible...

I am so very sorry that you have someone in your life who treats you in that manner. That is inexcusable. But as some of these kind folks are saying in this thread, you are not the problem - SHE most certainly is the problem. There most certainly are people out there who make it their job to bring other people down.

[spacelady]

28. That is very sad that your niece & nephew couldn't share that with you.

Family dynamics are weird.

[Scout1071]

31. Yes, family dynamics are weird.

Loved ones can hurt you the deepest.

I still can't believe that she did that yesterday. The tears are coming again now just thinking that she deprived me of that experience with them, knowing I took a rare vacation day to do so and had planned it for over a month. It's just so intentionally cruel. I think that is the hardest part for me.....that she is hurting me like this on purpose. I just couldn't fathom hurting someone so much intentionally....let alone my sister.

And to think that even though times are a lot tougher financially for me this year, I spent the whole day before this incident happily shopping for gifts for her family. Makes me kind of feel like a sucker.

[Writer]

6. PLEASE tell me that I'm not crazy here!

((beg beg beg))

[SPKrazy]

9. You Aren't Crazy

they are

end of story

they are being self centered and not thinking of reality.

you're fine!

;)

trust me, I'm a mental health worker (well maybe don't trust me for that reason but trust me because I'm very perceptive!)

[Writer]

11. Bless you, Southpaw...

I appreciate that. A mental health worker, huh? Man, do I have some stories for you!

[spacelady]

15. No, not crazy. AT ALL.

Just dealing with things. Difficult circumstances. Some in your control, some not. Timing is everything, the employment will work out, your family will go on. Their problem, not yours, you are definitely in control of their influence over your life. Celebrate your life together in a way that
makes you relaxed & content.

[Writer]

16. Yes. I'm going to celebrate Christmas with the few friends who will...

be in town. :P People who are empathetic, charitable, and respectful. :hi:

[spacelady]

22. We get by with a little help from our friends. Maybe high too. :hi:

[SPKrazy]

19. A Wise Response

from my favorite Peace Wreath maker!


:hi: :pals:

[spacelady]

25. Thanks SPK! That feels good to hear.

Maybe I need a nickname. splady? That doesn't sound right....:0

[SPKrazy]

26. Splady?

We could just call you space for short?

or ...

Let's give it some thought!

;-)

[mongo]

32. You are NOT crazy

Honest.

Give yourself permission to do what is best for YOU -- no matter how it looks to your sisters.

[OzarkDem]

62. Sounds like my sister

Some people think its all about them.:eyes: Don't let it bother you, they're being selfish. They'll get over it.

[SPKrazy]

8. Wow, Talk About Being Wrapped Up In Oneself!

I think we call that narcissism where I come from.

Sorry Writer, sounds like she doesn't get it and is only thinking of herself.

Good luck to you and Mr. Writer.

I'll count my blessings that I've got a sister that is very supportive of her family.

:pals:

[Writer]

10. My mom and my sisters all suffer from various levels of NPD...

and as is customary for that disorder, the individuals have nor ever will be formerly diagnosed or treated.

[SPKrazy]

13. Sounds Like It!

makes it hard to have real relationships with them, because you will always be in the way of their relationship with themselves.

[Writer]

14. Yes...

And I'm sure I've also gathered a bit of that, myself. They are both older than me (+9 and +12 years) so they spent their entire growing up years with my mom, who most certainly has it. I guess they "learned" from her. As I was explaining to spacelady, what's interesting about their responses is the note I sent was actually quite upbeat. I discussed how supportive our friends have been and how it's not so dire because Mr. Writer may have prospects already. Given that the one sister that I discussed in the OP had not yet taken the time to contact me since learning the news of Mr. Writer's layoff, I think the fact that I'm not suffering over this upsets her. My happiness upsets her, so... why not be cruel?

[SPKrazy]

18. Unhappy People

can't always stand to see people happy

like I said, you're fine, you just have some sisters with issues

we all have someone(s) in our lives that have issues of some sort.

:toast:

[Writer]

34. I am now starting to realize why it has been so difficult to write fiction...

all of these years. Why would anything I write be good enough? And why would I ever deserve the happiness of completing something? These two are a piece of work. I'm just glad that I'm young enough to see them go first.

[SPKrazy]

37. Yeah Writer!

awareness is your key to freedom!

What other people think of us is none of our business!


:hi:

[Viva_La_Revolution]

12. News Alert! Your sisters are selfish b*tches.

film at 11.

They really should get a clue.

[Writer]

21. Mr. Writer's response after seeing my sister's note was:

"BITE ME!" :rofl:

[Viva_La_Revolution]

24. short, sweet and to the point.

I say you go with it.

good luck on the Mr's job hunt!

[Writer]

29. Thanks!

:hi:

[Scout1071]

17. Writer, sometimes are siblings aren't very nice people.

My sister has been horrible to me over the last 48 hours. Happens once or twice a year. I never see it coming.....it's like an emotional freight train.

Bottom line is that, as siblings, we know how to push each other's buttons like no other.

Do what you think is right. It's reasonable that they would want to see you, but should understand if it's just not possible this year.

[Writer]

20. Telllll me about it...

my sisters are intelligent, functional sociopaths. It sounds like you're dealing with some cruelty on your end, too. I'm sorry. :( :hug:

[Scout1071]

30. I'm sorry for you too Writer.

See my response upthread for more details. I actually tried to look up some counseling info today. I've never been to a counselor before, but I think it's high time I learned how to deal with these episodes. Each time one happens it seems that my heart hardens a little bit more toward her. Anybody who can make me intermittently cry over 48 hours by withholding my niece and nephew is somebody that I really need to evaluate how much I can have in my life. I can't stand the thought of not seeing my niece and nephew as much, but I really need to do what's best for me. I can't keep taking her abuse.

[Writer]

33. Counseling will help...

I have attended counseling off and on for twenty years, and it is invaluable. You really get to learn about yourself, as well as learn how to adjust yourself to deal with the negative people in your life.

The one thing I always keep in mind is: I cannot change how my sisters (and my mother) behave. And they behave that way because they are miserable human beings. I, on the other hand, can continue forward and do what's right for myself and my husband. They will just have to deal with that.

I do not owe them a phone call, nor a response to their emails. In fact, even if everything sorts out in time and we would be able to make it, I am not inclined to consider adjusting my plans yet again.

I do hope you find counseling, especially if you are crying. :hug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

35. Jeez!

What a see-you-next-time.

[Writer]

36. No kidding.

Believe me, even if we could go now, my appetite for that has just reduced ten-fold.

[Schema Thing]

38. This is probably just the last in a long line of job losses Mr. Writer

has experienced to avoid being with your family.












:evilgrin:

[Writer]

40. LOL

Exactly. He keeps pulling this trick out of his hat... when will I ever learn? :eyes:

My sisters are omniscient beings. :evilgrin:

[bleedingheart]

39. being related to someone doesn't mean they have to be nice or that

you have to like them...that is one of those lessons it takes a long time to learn.

I have for years helped out my eldest sibling with her kids, watching them for free, buying them nice things, and paying them to mow my lawn, watch my kids and I pay them very well.. If one of her kids needs cash...I always get a call about how can they help me out to raise money for themselves..
I have been there for my sister as well, given her things and been there when she needed me....never asked for anything and have never gotten anything in return...in fact we stopped exchanging Christmas gifts the year my sister gave me a broiler pan from an old stove my mother had given her.

When my husband got laid off a few years ago, I was at my sister's home and my neice was so disrespectful of me (she was doing some childish bullshit) while I was trying to talk to my sister (she was 15 at the time) and when I told her to stop it she got mad...then my sister took me outside to tell me...

" I want you to know that you can not expect us to help you financially..."

meanwhile I wasn't asking for anything...

Family like friends must earn their respect and the love they expect us to have for them...

[Writer]

41. I agree, but I'll take that one step farther...

Being related to someone doesn't mean you have to spend much time with that person. Especially in this case, with two incurable narcissists.

[undeterred]

43. No you're not missing anything.

Family can be selfish idiots. 5 years ago, when I had been unemployed for 9 months, I told my family that I could not come home for Christmas because I couldn't afford to buy presents and didn't have a car. You'd think it would have been obvious, but I spelled it out: I can't afford it. I ended up working for minimum wage at a gas station convenience store on Christmas day. Did my family call or come to visit or send me a gift on this Christmas at a really low point in my life? No, they were angry at me for not coming home. That's the year I realized it really is all about the presents.

Unfortunately, if people haven't been through unemployment they don't always understand that it means you cut out the extras. That Christmas should mean they help you, not expect from you.

Take good care of yourself and your husband, and enjoy this Christmas with each other.

[Scout1071]

45. It's a terribly sad feeling when you family doesn't pick you up when you are down.

But, rather they kick you when you are down.

I certainly feel that way sometimes.

Maybe not that they kick me when I'm down, but I just feel so horribly disappointed by them at times. Like having dinner with my mom for my birthday only to have her bring out an already half eaten birthday cake for desert. I know there are worse things in life, but it's that kind of stuff that I find disappointing.

Or getting a high-profile, hard-to-get job that I have turned into a career for the last 12 years - and my family seems to have zero interest in it and doesn't understand why I work so many hours. The gal at the gas station down the street knows more about my job than my own family.....because she actually asks me about it.

Anyway, I hope that your Christmas is better this year undeterred! I would have swung by the station and dropped off a little Christmas dinner for you!

[undeterred]

46. Thanks, Scout

I can relate to what you are saying! My father has passed, but at least he took an interest in my career and my mind. My mother and sister are only interested in my lack of a husband and family, and holiday is the occasion to reinforce it.

What helped the day at the gas station was that anonymous people from the neihborhood came in because they needed something and they thanked me for working Christmas day so they would have a place to buy aluminum foil or cigarettes - we were the only ones open.

I found out that there are a lot of people who actually want to work Christmas at 24hour stores because you get paid overtime... a lot of people who need the money that much. I am back to a much better job now, but my view of the world was forever changed by that period of unemployment/underemployment.

[Scout1071]

47. I'm glad to hear things are better.

And I can again totally relate to you about the lack of husband/kids. I'm a 35 year old single woman and nowhere near getting married. I'm not even certain that I want to get married or have kids. That makes me somewhat defective in their eyes....and/or possibly a lesbian.

Hold on to your memories of your father. Cherish them at this time of year and know that he is with you still.

[undeterred]

48. Thanks Scout

I'm 50 so they've already given up on me. The thing is, I was never that interested in having kids and I knew by 30 it would be difficult because of some medical problems. So, I put my energy into more education and my career. My attitude towards men has never been "goal-oriented" and this is incomprehensible to women who married very young and think its the end of the world not to have kids.

So much for the revolution in womens roles in this century which have made our careers possible! I support a womans right to choose a non-traditional lifestyle like marrying "late", not having kids, or not marrying at all... but the rest of society isn't there yet and sometimes the most punishment comes from the people who are closest.

[MichiganVote]

44. I have five more of MY sisters for you if you want them. Worthless.

[Writer]

49. "Blood is thicker than water"

I have cringed every time I've heard this phrase. x(

[MichiganVote]

57. Blood? Do they even have blood? Witches, every last one.

My sympathies. But fwiw----I got throughly sick of mine and left them all behind. And guess what, I still can't do anything right as far as they're concerned. But I'm not listening to it anymore.

[Writer]

58. Are you the youngest?

And... why the heck does it seem that the entire family system is rotten? My mom and my two sisters all act the same way, but I came so much later that I think I may have been spared.

Is that the same in your case?

[MichiganVote]

61. Middle of 11 kids. I just think I'm smarter than they are. So you must be too :)

[Rabrrrrrr]

50. A couple of self-absorbed clueless ***** who you are better off without.

[Writer]

51. Yyyyup.

:thumbsup:

[nini]

52. I hope you ripped them a new one.. you're crazy if you didn't

They need to be put in their place. How dare they make it about them when you are unsure of your well being right now.

The are selfish to the bone and No, you are not crazy for being a bit offended by their attitudes.

[Writer]

53. Actually I did the worse thing I possibly could do to them:

I ignored them. Believe me, they are not being logical in any way here. They are trying to get a piece of me. I do not owe them any more of me than I've already given.

[nini]

54. good for you... you obviously have experience dealing with them.

Let's hope your husband gets one of those jobs he's checking out soon!

[TheCentepedeShoes]

55. Enjoy the holiday time

with your friends. And best wishes for the New Year and Mr Writer's new job !

[Writer]

56. Thanks!

:hi:

[Skittles]

59. you want I should kick your sisters' asses?

they really need their butts kicked

[Writer]

60. Yes.

Although they are so low, death would be too good for them.

Slow, painful death, on the other hand... ;)