Step children issues,

[PRETZEL]

Need some advice. I have a 16 yr daughter who doesn't live with me and I have a 16 yr old step daughter who lives with her father. Needless to say my daughter's not crazy about her although they do seem to get along most of the time. Last nite it appears that my daughter apparently text messaged her friend and wasn't the kindest to my step daughter. She called her "not the sharpest tool in the shed" and "she is a little weird". Now I don't necessarily disagree, my step daughter is very much the "center of attention" type of girl and can be very brash and argumentative (she does have serious issues).

Anyway, neither I nor my wife knew of this until my daughter accidently left her cell phone at the house and (naturally) my step daughter felt it her right to look at the text messages. That's how she found out about them. Needless to say holy hell broke out at our house between my wife and I and now I'm not only upset at my daughter but also I'm furious with my step daughter for invading my daughter's privacy. I'm also furious with my wife for what I feel is a total over reaction of this.

Anyway, I'm at the same time frustrated and furious and just needed to get this off my chest.

[grasswire]

1. there's a book called something like...

.."Queen Bees and Wannabes" that apparently explains the "mean girl" syndrome. I haven't read it, but perhaps it would be useful to help you sort out the issues between the two girls.

I wish you well. I hope you can find some good advice from DU-ers. In the meantime, we're here to listen.

[PRETZEL]

2. thanks,

it's ironic that my daughter would be the "mean girl". She only has issues with my step daughter. I ain't going to lie in that my daughter didn't approve of the relationship from the beginning. But when we got married and we had lived together for 2 years beforehand I thought she had put that behind her.

But I'm also not going to lie in that this girl has had issues with virtually all of my daughter' friends as well as with my ex-wife, my daughter's best friend and her mother. But it's never my step daughter's fault, if you know what I mean.

[grasswire]

5. I was thinking that the other girl was the mean girl

She's the one who invaded your daughter's privacy.

[PRETZEL]

6. guess since it's my daughter I was thinking her.

and she can be spiteful. But that isn't uncommon for a teenager. But as for invading my daughter's territory that may be a very good point. When her mom and I divorce I bought the house and my wife moved in in too short a time more than likely that she felt mad over that. Note: I fell head over heals for my wife. She was near the end of her lease on her apartment and for some reason it just seemed like a good idea to have her move in. Problem was (and I'm totally at fault) my wife took over the house and TOTALLY changed everything in it, save my daughter's bedroom.

[Sequoia]

15. Watch out for those invitations to the ball.

If you know what I mean....!




Is your daughter prettier and more popular in that she has lots of friends vs. the step daughter?

[Kerrytravelers]

3. They sound like very normal teenage girls.

The adults need to be clear that speaking ill of family members isn't right, and that invading privacy isn't right. Then step aside. Getting in the middle will cause people to take up sides and cause even more problems.

[PRETZEL]

4. I've tried that. n/t

edit.
This isn't the first time I'll have to remind my daughter of this. I haven't spoken to her yet.

But my step daughter does whatever she pleases and has always gotten away with it. (Hint: spoiled rotten brat is too kind)

[Dora]

12. A word of caution

"spoiled rotten brat"

That might be true. And your remark is parenthetical, which leads me to think that you're very good at keeping that kind of judgment to yourself.

However, you will see in your stepdaughter what you want to see, just like your wife will see in her daughter what she wants to see. By carrying around the thought in your head that your stepdaughter is a spoiled rotten brat, you will see a spoiled rotten brat when you look at her. I see this manifesting in my own family. It breaks my heart to see good and smart children told that they are clumsy and stupid and ____ and then grow up into adults who think they are stupid and worthless and ____.

I encourage you to change the way you think about your stepdaughter. She is sixteen, and just like your daughter, she is adjusting to radical changes in her family life. Even if you think you don't "feel" it, please try to consciously think positive thoughts about your stepdaughter, no matter what doubts you might hold about her character. Calling her names, even if only to yourself or to anonymous people like us, is counterproductive.

[PRETZEL]

13. you're right on the first paragraph,

but I've had numerous people virtually all from my wife's side of the family who say the same thing. So this isn't something that is purely my opinion.

As for the radical changes maybe, more so for my daughter I think. This is my second marriage, my wife was married to someone else after she divorced my stepdaughter's father.

[ThomCat]

7. Your daughter has a perfect right

to speak her opinion honestly to her friends in her private communications. She did nothing wrong.

Your step daughter had no business touching your daughter's phone. She's 100% wrong. If she doesn't like what she saw there then she should have kept her hands to herself and left that phone alone.

[PRETZEL]

8. thanks,

I'm glad someone's on my side.

I think it's finally time for me to realize these 2 just aren't going to be best friends. I think it's time I stop trying to like each other.

And to hell with my wife is that's a problem. I'm fed up with the bickering.

[Kerrytravelers]

14. I'm on your side. I understand your frustration.

I was just making a comment as someone outside of the situation.

I have some very unpleasant feelings towards some family members, for very different reasons than yours, but still very angry and hurt feelings. I like people outside the situation to remind me of the simple things when I find myself getting too angry, too unfair or plain old too frustrated to want to deal with it anymore. I saw you as frustrated.

[youthere]

9. they are both in the wrong..though your daughter to a much lesser degree...

Your stepdaughter completely violated your daughter's privacy and it's a shame that your wife doesn't get that.

Your daughter should not have said anything behind stepdaughter's back that she would not say to her face and that "just because it's truthful" doesn't mean that it's necessary, and is not an excuse to be unkind (although personally I didn't think what she texted was that bad).

I think your wife needs to deal with her daughter's lack of respect for privacy and you need to deal with yours for the unkind messages, and both you and your wife should agree that how each of you handles it is the end of it and not open for discussion, comment or criticism.
Wow..what a sticky situation, I wish you the best of luck, and sincerely hope things work out for the better.

[Rosemary2205]

10. My sister and I pulled this crap all the time

Fortunately we didn't have the problem blended families do of "mine and yours" and being expected to pick sides. IMHO you and wife need to decide these are "OUR" kids and refuse to pick sides so they can't play you two off each other.

I really feel for you.

[LynneSin]

11. Well to be honest, that'll teach your step-daughter to go through other peoples things

I mean, it's not really nice what was said about her but she should have never been snooping in someone else's personal stuff

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. This is a dead-end issue...

While your stepdaughter invaded your daughter's privacy, she may even feel it was justified, since she found unkind things written about her. Your daughter is not going to change her feelings about her stepsister overnight, no matter how nicely you ask her.

My gut feeling is you should talk with your wife first, and help her to see that the grownups here need to act especially grown up. Put your heads together to see if you can find some sort of project that you can all be involved in, which both girls will enjoy.
Maybe your daughter would like her room redecorated? Maybe you could turn a basement or attic into a rec room, or start planning a garden together, or something similar. Since the holidays are here, it might help if you all went shopping together, and made a point of including the exes on the shopping list, if you're still on ok terms with them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. :hug:

[skygazer]

17. I've been a step-parent. I've also been a step-child.

It's not easy being either but I'll tell you what - to be 16 years old and dealing with all that entails AND to be a step-child is extremely difficult.

Yes, your step-daughter was wrong. As was your daughter. But they're kids - you and your wife are the adults in this situation.

Both girls are naturally feeling a lot of insecurity. Try to look at things from their point of view - neither of them live with you. That means they're going to wonder deep down if they're really wanted there. All this behavior is a form of acting out. I know. I've done it. Neither wants their "rival" to get the upper hand, to be more welcome, to be more loved. By referring to your step-daughter as a "spoiled rotten brat", you betray exactly what you feel as far as the importance of those kids. By protecting her daugher, your wife does the same. Newsflash - they're BOTH your daughters now and you and your wife both need to treat them that way. You also need to present a united front instead of bickering about whose child was worse - once again, they're both both of your children. That's what marriage and parenting is.

You said in a previous post that you were glad someone was "on your side." This isn't an issue of taking sides - it's an issue of successfully blending a family and it sounds like there's some work that needs to be done all around. I'm not unsympathetic - it's hard enough being a parent to a 16-year-old girl without all the resentment issues step-parents have. But the whole phone issue is petty - the real issue is letting both girls know they are loved and secure in a family.

[PRETZEL]

18. thanks everyone,

I want to thank everyone for their advice. It makes me feel better knowing I have a forum where I can get unbiased advice.