I am 38 years old yet my father treats me like a child

[alarimer]

I have been driving for over 20 years with a good record and yet my father refuses to allow me to drive their new car. True, it is a Mercedes (BFD). I just bought a brand new car myself and I have yet to crash it! So we have to go through some convoluted car-switching business tomorrow so I can go pick up my brother at the airport. I even promised not to park it, just drive in circles until my brother shows up. I am so glad to be related to him. :sarcasm:

It's been like this my whole life. For this and other reason, I often fantasize about being adopted LOL. My REAL parents would be a lot nicer.

Aren't holidays fun? Is it time to go home yet (I only got here yesterday)? Next year I swear I am going somewhere else, somewhere fun. But I say that every year.

[nini]

1. does his insurance policy cover you?

or is he just a worrier?

Or just selfish?

[alarimer]

5. I don't know

Maybe it doesn't.

He lets me drive the truck.

It's just a weird thing. He sort of anal about a LOT of things though. Drives me nuts.

[AngryAmish]

40. In Illinois, all insurance policies cover lent vehicles

Public policy of having everyone insured. If there is mandatory insurance in your state (and even of not) then the policy covers it. And if you have insurance then your policy also covers most likely.

[nini]

47. It's not like that in California..

Even someone in your own house isn't covered unless you list them. I had to sign a waiver that my son wouldn't drive my car and if he did and something happened it wouldn't be covered (that was the choice I made instead of adding him to my policy as his record wasn't so good at the time).

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear alarimer......

Well, if you can't change your father, which is likely the case.......

Then you must either change your reaction to him, and put up with him...

Or go somewhere else........

I think it unlikely he would ever treat you any differently...

OTOH......he's old, and how much longer will you be able to visit?

Don't do anything you would regret.....

Good luck, and have some happy holidays, if possible!

:hi:

[alarimer]

3. I know; I was just venting

If it's not one thing, it's ten.

Still, maybe 10 days is a bit too long to spend here.

[SPKrazy]

4. Hey, You Are Really A Wise Person !!!!

not that I doubted it

but I'm impressed with your answer!


:thumbsup: :hi: :hug: :loveya:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. My dear Southpawkicker!

Why, thank you, sweetie!

It was just what came to mind......:blush:

[SPKrazy]

9. Well, It's True Peggy!

you can't change people, but you can change your reaction to them

or you can shoot them, but that comes with consequences

;)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. That is true.......

The only thing we have any control over (if that) is ourselves!

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

11. "If That" Isn't That The Truth!

;-)

[u4ic]

6. That's one reason why I'm not spending Christmas

with my family of origin. Or much time at all. One upmanship, control issues, backstabbing...you name it, they have it. I made a decision this year that I wouldn't, and I'd rather be alone then deal with that again.

I'm 40, but apparently going on 15. :eyes: I'm by far the youngest (age spread 14 years over 5 kids), and they're all like that.

Lol about being adopted...I used to say when I was younger "wait till I find my real family...then you'll all be sorry". :P

:hug: for you. Make the decision, and go with it. It's empowering.

[alarimer]

8. It seems like the holidays are the worst though

next year I will spend less time here, although my ticket was much cheaper if I traveled on certain days which resulted in a 10 day stay.

I keep threatening to go to Cancun.

[SPKrazy]

15. Go To Cancun!

Hell I'll go to Cancun too!

WE should have a DU get together at Cancun!

;-)

[alarimer]

16. I'd vote for that!

I think my whole family ought to go somwhere for the holidays. I read an article on the plane about families going on a big vacation for Christmas instead of doing the presents and dinner thing. Of course it is expensive but it must be nice.

But mostly I need a vacation vacation, not a visit the family non-vacation.

[u4ic]

30. 10 days?

:scared:

You need a few more: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:



Cancun beckons...

[SPKrazy]

14. Family Get Togethers Can Be Sooooo Much Fun!

luckily this year I'm only dealing with my Dad, sister, wife, and son.

Of course my wife and I aren't sleeping in the same room anymore. My Dad is a little freaked out by that and the fact that both of his kids are having marital problems. The snow is so deep that my sister can't even get here so we are all housebound in the snow!

Damned holiday get togethers are fun!

Oh, and my son is my Dad's only Grandson so he is also freaked out about what will happen and how it will affect his access to his grandson. It won't affect it, but he's worried.

First Christmas at his house without my Mom too!

blah blah blah!

All things being equal, I'd rather be working!

:eyes:

[u4ic]

37. I don't mean to be patronizing

but be happy you have someone to spend it with...

[AlwaysQuestion]

12. Familes are a challenge, Christmas or not!

Hmm, how 'bout you lie down on ze couch and I vill analyze you. Just kiddin'.

How does it make you feel when your dad treats you like a child? Once you sort out your feelings, express them to your dad. See what his response is. How does he treat you in other ways? Is he condescending? Is he forever giving you unsolicited advice? Is he frequently critical of what you do? What role does your mother play in all of this? What's your relationship with her? Are you male or female? Are you single or married? If the latter, how does he treat your spouse? Does he treat your brother any differently than he does you? If so, why do you think that is? I just love to explore family dynamics--fascinating stuff. That's why I find myself asking you all these questions.

It's really high time that you made an effort to get to the bottom of the situation as it is obviously eating at you.

Specifically about the car..............Have you thought of saying to him, "Look, dad, I'm confident about being a good driver; still, if I get into an accident and it's my fault, I can promise you that if I'll pay the deductible to have your car fixed AND I'll pay any increase to your car insurance premiums. Yes. I would try that one on for size.

But if you find in the final analysis that nothing works, then you really should plan to go somewhere else next Christmas--and then bloody well follow through with your plan.

By the way, were you asking for advice in a round about way or were you just venting? :)

[alarimer]

13. Well mostly I was venting

He has always been this way. He has always been highly critical of everyone. It was like nothing was ever good enough. I made straight A's in school and I cannot remember him ever praising any of us for anything.

Nobody in my family ever discusses anything of any importance. No touchy-feeling stuff here.

[AlwaysQuestion]

19. That's too bad....

but I bet when you have your own family things will be different. But I'm warning you, it's amazing just how many of us end up mirroring our parents. Even at this stage of the game I find myself making adjustments cuz I catch myself sometimes exhibiting behaviors of one or the other of my parents which I didn't like as a younger person. These behaviors I speak of are the very ones I sometimes display with my own kids.

[alarimer]

20. I don't plan on ever having a family

no kids at any rate. I'd be a miserable failure for one thing. Plus I am not a kid person, not really.

[AlwaysQuestion]

36. And that can definitely be a good thing.....

I admire people who know themselves well enough not to get caught up in having families just cuz it's kind've the mainstream thing to do (when once it was de riguer, else questions, questions, questions). Too bad more people don't realize soon enough that they're not parent material. So, good on you! I have a few single friends and I can tell you that they're in their 50's now and they have no regrets at all. They have lived and continue to live very full, rich lives unencumbered by children they probably would have traumatized--or worse--killed! (only half joking)

[diamidue]

27. Yes, I catch myself mirroring my mother

and it freaks me out. I sometimes say things the way she would say them. The worst part is that sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see her staring back at me. I say "worst" because we have never gotten along and to resemble someone you don't particularly like, is very unnerving.

[alarimer]

42. That's been happening to me too

People have been noting the resemblance and it horrifies me! I see it in photographs too. More so than when I look in the mirror for some reason.

[Katina]

17. why don't you just rent a car when you visit

then you don't have to be beholding to him for transportation. If he has no leverage over you (car transport) then he will be frustrated. I know it will cost you money, but by not having your own car during the visit, you are allowing him to control the situation.

[alarimer]

21. I might do that but only for a couple of days

I am here for 10 days so renting for all that time is probably very expensive, although I have never looked into it.

[Katina]

38. a subcompact

should only be about $20/day. If it was between my sanity and $200 for 10 days or letting my father continue to belittle me, it would be worth the $200. Besides, think how frustrated he will be not being able to hold car transport over your head. If necessary, shorten the length of stay, or spend less on presents, but you have to get that control away from him or every visit will become a nightmare. JMO.

[UTUSN]

18. Well, I'm ANCIENT and only now am feeling MATURE n/t

[LuckyTheDog]

22. Father treats you like a child

Join the club.

[bullwinkle428]

23. My Mom is the same way with me, and I'm 42! I was visiting her at Thanksgiving

and we happened to be out to dinner with my aunt (Mom's sister) and uncle, and they said that I looked good, and it looked like I had some color in my face. I admitted to them that I had spent a little bit of time (15 minutes once a week) tanning, as I'm such a pathetically pale creature to begin with (Eastern European heritage and all). My mom just laid into me and called me stupid and predicted all kinds of dire consequences for me. I think they were taken aback by it, and I'm such a non-confrontational person that I just sat there and stewed rather than attempt to challenge her. I'm so grateful that I live about 800 miles from her, although at that moment, I was questioning why I had made that drive to see her... :grr:

[mentalsolstice]

24. Welcome to the club! It's not going to get better.

My dad ENCOURAGED! me to go to law school (with all of the loans I incurred), but has said there is NO WAY he or his friends would EVER vote for a female president or an African American candidate.

Both of my parents talk to me like I'm ten. It has got to the point that we really avoid our regular hangouts when they're in town, I'm scared to death of them crossing paths with my friends.

I'm with you...but I'm not. For the first time we're making a break, and not spending time with either side of the family over the holidays.

But, based on past experience, I know that trapped feeling you've got now. Been there so many times!

[crim son]

25. Meh, I'm 43 and I will never be older than thirteen

in my parents' eyes. We parents will always believe we know our kids better than we know ourselves; or, if we doubt our understanding, we'll fake it because we don't know what else to do. Forgive you father. He can't help it.

[Lady Effingbroke]

28. I know my parents better than they (think) they know me.

Yet they treat me like I'm still 13. (I'm 36).

I find it difficult to forgive them for this manner of treatment, as it shows a severe lack of respect, as well as a complete refusal to recognize that their child is now an adult.

They damn well sure can help it; they just choose not to - fear of aging perhaps?

[crim son]

29. Perhaps fear of aging, yes.

I've been through it with my parents, and then, I'm a parent. One thing I've noticed getting older is that characteristics in older folks that I once attributed to stupidity or simplicity I now understand can be the manifestation of fear, or stubborness, or weakness. The closer I get to old age, the more apt I am to forgive people for their foibles. Imagine how freaking forgiving I'll be when I'm eighty! :rofl:

[Lady Effingbroke]

31. I agree.

My parents are more noticeably fearful (and stubborn) now than when they were younger.

Do you think aging exaggerates these types of characteristics?

I love my parents - they just aggravate the crap out of me sometimes!

I guess it's their turn! :rofl:

[crim son]

32. I imagine it does, for some people.

And I can think of all kinds of reasons why that would be so! I wonder if kids agonize over their parents longer, ultimately, than parents do over their children?

[Lady Effingbroke]

33. In many cases, probably so.

I think that in general kids are more attuned to their parents simply because of having been well, kids - having to pay attention to older, more physically powerful people upon who you are dependent for survival; whereas parents can be more dismissive of children because they are younger and weaker.

[crim son]

34. You are right.

And because of the elders' belief that they have a knowledge that can only be acquired with years. My thought: some do, and some don't!

[gr8dane_daddy]

26. Have you ever had a wreck?

My older brother drives like a maniac and has dents all over any car he's own. I can see why my parents wouldn't let him drive their car...and he's in his forties.

[alarimer]

43. No that's the weird thing

I have a good driving record. No wrecks, no tickets even. Although over 15 years ago I did have a small accident in their car (I can't remember which vehicle they had at the time). It was icy and I was inexperienced at driving in those condiitons and spun off the road, hit a stump that I couldn't see which put a dent in the door.

So maybe I have not been forgiven for that.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

35. elderly parents and cars can be pure hell

My mom got old, flaky, mean, vindictive and wouldn't let me borrow her car. I needed a car badly.

She couldn't drive; she had macular degeneration and was blind. I borrowed it for several months. With her permission to go on a trip. I didn't take it back because I needed it to look for and go to a job of some sort.

She paid a woman to drive her around for errands. She told me I could ride the bus, which is horrible and unworkable in the city i live in. It's a complete joke. I told her none of the jobs I was looking at were on a bus route.

Then she hired a snotty lawyer to send me a nasty letter, threatening me with civil and/or criminal penalties if I didn't take the car back to her house. I would not have put it past her to tell the D.A. to charge me with auto theft if not UUMV which is a lesser included offense of unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. Or sue me in civil court, or both.

I took it back in the middle of the night (a distance of 150 miles) and left it there, with the keys in it, without even knocking on the door, I was so disgusted by her hatred of me and lack of consideration.

I've known people who had to go to court and get a guardianship on mom to pry the car keys out of her cold, bony fingers.

I feel for ya, man.

[alarimer]

44. Well they are not elderly

So they don't have that excuse. He is just very, very, very particular. He won't let my mom drive the car if she is going shopping. Can't park in the parking lot. I have a new car too and at first I tried parking far away but I live in an apartment complex; it's impossible to avoid parking next to someone. So I got over that in a hurry. Plus I just don't care that much. Yes it would be nice to keep it new looking but it's impossible really so he needs to get over it.

[Patiod]

39. Brother & I joke about finding out we're NOT adopted!

Sometimes, when our elderly parents are being particularly difficult, we joke about the trauma we would undergo if we found out we WEREN'T adopted.

[radfringe]

41. heh...I'm 51 and my parents do the same...n/t

[Courtesy Flush]

45. My parents never let me drive their cars

They're both dead now, and I'm 47 years old, and never drove their cars. They gave my brother the keys as soon as he could see over the steering wheel. He was (and still is) the world's worst driver, and had many tickets and accidents. My driving record was always clean, yet they never trusted me with their cars.

At least I can say this... I WAS adopted, at least adopted by my step father. So I can take pride in the fact that he didn't share my blood.

[alarimer]

46. I am pretty sure he won't let my brother drive it either

He wrecked one of their cars TWICE and has had numerous tickets, etc.