Have you cheated?

[Phillycat]

I'm going to make this a poll because I want people to be able to answer anonymously. The question is, have you cheated on your spouse/significant other, in the past or in your present relationship?

For the purposes of this poll, we will define "Cheating" as "any sexual contact between you and someone other than your SO", which would include "emotional contact" such as you would get from having regular cyber sex with one partner online.

Of course, you are not obligated to post a comment, but please do if you feel so moved. Just, please don't lie in the poll results. There's no reason to lie, since no one will know what your vote was, and I would like to get semi-accurate results, as I am curious what the outcome will be. Thanks! :hi:

[rbnyc]

1. I'm curious too.

I hope people will be honest in the poll. Though I understand being less forthcoming in the discussion since it's such a tremendous stigma.

[Phillycat]

3. Yeah.

My guess is that way more people cheat than don't cheat, and I would like to see if that bears out in the poll.

[Phillycat]

2. Kickety.

:kick:

[Guava Jelly]

4. So you are saying flirting is cheating?

just curious.

[Phillycat]

5. Of course not.

How could you possibly deduce that from what I posted?

[Guava Jelly]

7. this part i guess

which would include "emotional contact" such as you would get from having regular cyber sex with one partner online.
Say you have someone you sort of have a crush on and you talk sweet to them.
You will probably never even meet this person..(I am just talking hypothetical).
Is that cheating?

[Name removed]

8. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Guava Jelly]

9. Ok that clears it up

[Richardo]

10. Now I have to change my answer.

Damn you, janesez! :D

[MrCoffee]

14. shhh...let the girl finish what she was saying!

[Guava Jelly]

11. I have sent pictures of my butt to fellow female duers

does that count?
I was wearing undies :7 ?

[Phillycat]

12. Well, now you're getting into a weird area.

It depends on how your SO would feel about it. If you know it would hurt her, then yeah, it's probably cheating.

[Guava Jelly]

13. Crap !!! than i am a cyber whore!

oop's

[SPKrazy]

16. Meh, That's Pretty Tame I'd Say!

you cyber whore!


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Guava Jelly]

18. Guess so

Everyone i sent it to knew it was only as a joke.
I did get compliments that felt pretty good :7

[SPKrazy]

68. That Helps!

:hi:

[hunter]

23. Do people really have cybersex?

Honestly, I want to know.

I can't even have phone sex with my wife because we both find ourselves :rofl:

If anyone ever sent me something that said "I am sucking your..." I'd be much too tempted to say something silly about a rooster.

[Phillycat]

24. Oh, I think so, yes.

Millions and millions of people are probably doing it RIGHT NOW.

[montanto]

31. i know i am.

[miss_american_pie]

29. Of course

90+ percent of sex is mental. ;)

[catmandu57]

6. My name isn't harding

No, I'm loyal to a fault.

[underpants]

15. I've never cheated

If I am with someone I am with them.

I have dropped someone like a hot rock for someone else but I did not cheat

[SPKrazy]

17. That's Honest!

:thumbsup: :hi:

[Phillycat]

34. So you're saying there was a 30-second window between you and cheating

Heh.

[underpants]

36. Depends

;-)

[spacelady]

89. "Depends" from a person posting as underpants. Sorry couldn't resist.

[montanto]

19. not with current gf (of 12 yrs)

but we both cheated on our past so's and left them to be together. We're very happy now.

[Phillycat]

20. Wow, really weird results so far.

More men say they have NOT cheated, but twice as many women say they have cheated then say they have not.

[rbnyc]

28. The thing about being a woman...

...particularly a straight or bi woman, is that you can have sex whenever you want it. I don't care how fat you are, or what kind of bone structure you have, or how thin your hair is. And I don't care what guys say about who they would or would not touch with a ten foot pole. When it comes down to it, if a woman wants to go to bed with a man, he'll do it--as long as he's certain of discretion.

Of course this is a generalization. I'm sure YOU are the exeception.

:evilgrin:

I'm just saying that more women cheat because they almost never get turned down.

[Nikia]

39. I got turned down most of the times I approached a guy

Of course, I have been with my husband since I was 19 so I was young and so were my potential lovers. I also lived in a rather socially conservative area and went after attractive guys who were of good character and accomplished types who I had known for a while. I was a super achiever who was an outsider at my school and not a partier. I did not understand flirting and was not girly. There was also a strong double standard, both in the reputations of males and females who slept around and the woman who they dated vs the women who they would have one night stands with. They said that I didn't fit into either category.

[Redstone]

90. Ain't that the stone truth.

Redstone

[MISSDem]

63. I don't believe them.

I'm 61 and have never met a man who would not cheat given the chance (I firmly believe), except my Father, of course.

[FedUpWithIt All]

21. Other...

I was in a "relationship" (not quite sure what to call it) The other person did not want a committed relationship...on HIS end.

He wanted me to stay emotionally and physically faithful to him while he spent his time with a variety of other women. (To this day i do not know if he was sexually involved with any of them. It didn't matter. The other things hurt far worse) I was not welcome to do the normal things with him that one does with either a friend or a girlfriend. I was simply the one he called when he was done with the rest.

I began to pull away by doing similar things with males and females. Laughing, drinking, hanging out....He considered this "cheating".

Eventually i moved on to other relationships and he did as well. He STILL considered it cheating on my end but not on his own.

It was the only relationship i have had where lines were blurred to the point of being illegible. I do not consider it cheating on my part as he clearly did not want a relationship with me. I mention it because it was the only time anyone ever accused me of it.

[Phillycat]

25. That sounds horrible.

I'm glad you're out of it. :hug:

[FedUpWithIt All]

27. Me too!!!

It was chemical and intense but the negative far outweighed any benefits.


Thanks for the :hug:

[Deja Q]

33. :( I'm so sorry.

:hug:

Glad you were able to get away from him. The guy's bonkers.

[FedUpWithIt All]

35. Thank you HypnoToad...

:hug:

It was difficult to get "away" because that is the way that game works. I learned a lot about myself and have been working on changing the things i found lacking. It was a good lesson in so many ways.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

82. GEeez! Can You Say "Booty Call"

I mean, it sounds like that was what he wanted from you.

Pretty blurry boundaries for sure.

Glad you are better off now!

:hug:

[Orsino]

22. No option for "I lie about cheating...

...even in semi-anonymous Internet polls."

[La Lioness Priyanka]

32. lol.

:rofl:

[Deja Q]

26. Never had an opportunity.

But if I had, I wouldn't do it.

When one is single, one can do with one likes - just so long both are single, upfront, honest, and consenting.

If one is in a relationship, it is best to work out problems or issues. Breakups can happen, and I'm more likely to be forgiving of women who do cheat, but in general I do not like the concept of infidelity because of the emotional (and physical) problems that come about because of it. (What's a little herpes amongst your S.O. anyway? :sarcasm: ) Especially in this day and age where we ought to know better about interacting with people and of diseases in general. (What we know today also lends cred to myths of the past. Never mind some animal species are monogamous too.)

[bridgit]

30. i don't cheat...

O8)

[dropkickpa]

37. I'll be the bad one

I have in the past. Not currently (or even recently) dating. In the past, I cheated because, well, I felt like it. Can't really pretty it up. Though I have NEVER felt the need to justify it. But I can honestly say that I have NEVER been emotionally unfaithful (I usually just don't get all that attached to the people I'm dating).

[La Lioness Priyanka]

38. youre not the only one..i have posted here before that i have cheated

and dont feel like i owe strangers any explanations..

[dropkickpa]

42. I knew I couldn't be the only one!

:hi:

[montanto]

40. the cheaters are finally pulling ahead!!

[Red State Rebel]

41. OK, I'll Lay It All Out...

I've been married 15 years with some experiences that would curl your hair. My desire for my husband has been ruined because of his behavior and it will never be the same. That being said, I'm not ready for a divorce because of family and business reasons - maybe in a year or so.

I am currently "emotionally" involved with someone who has been married over 20 years. He's in much the same position I am, only he still has 2 kids at home finishing high school. We've known each other for years (think High School) and reconnected recently.

He will be in town in 3 weeks and will we cross the line? Hell yes - I'll run across that line like my hair is on fire. I can count the number of times I've had sex in the last 5 years on one hand and it's been 8 years for him. I'm 49, not dead.

So, flame away - judge me if it makes you feel better, but I have no regrets. Life is too short to be as miserable as I was and I will take my happiness where I can get it right now.

[Phillycat]

43. No judgement here.

I hope everything works out for you. :hug:

[dropkickpa]

44. All I can say is...

enjoy yourself!!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

47. i would if i were you too...

[montanto]

48. go for it!

[Orsino]

49. I once read some research...

...or more likely read about the research that shows that women tend to maintain one back-up option for a life partner, and that as we might suspect men tend to keep many such avenues open for more temporary fun.

No flames here, by the way. I'm all for happiness, as long as it doesn't risk causing misery for others.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

51. And this won't cause misery when the truth is found? (nt)

[Orsino]

55. Depends upon the pople involved, I guess.

I don't know enough to judge.

[Red State Rebel]

93. Couldn't be any more than when I found out how he had deceived me.

Nuff said.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

52. "Not ready for divorce"?

What are you waiting for? A spine transplant?

Sorry, but that's bullshit. There are no good family or business reasons for actively being that deceptive and hurtful, even if your husband "deserves it". It makes you little better than him is what it does.

[Red State Rebel]

54. Actually, this is for his benefit...

A few years ago, our business had some setbacks - financially, we will be in a much more stable place next year. If I were to file for divorce now (I am legally the sole owner of the business) it would be much more difficult financially for both of us. If I wait a year, we have obligations paid off and are in a much better shape financially to deal with how to divorce while owning the business. He's worked hard in it and I don't want to take it from him or ruin it - it will be more stable if I wait. Believe it or not, I am trying to do him a favor by waiting.

This time also allows me to plan to get back into the work force to support myself. I have worked part time in our business for 10 years and I have to prepare myself and enter the job market.

Neither one of us is perfect but I think it is possible to do things in a civil manner and that is what I am aiming for.

[hfojvt]

45. I am a man

and I've never had a significant other.

I'm not even sure there are two women on this planet who are willing to have sex with me. Even if there were two, the odds of finding them both at the same time - way astronomical. I have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist.

[hyphenate]

46. I thought this was going to be about cheating

in school. I did that one year, in math class. Our teacher happened to be completely useless--she had cataracts and was nearly blind, and I doubt if any of us respected her. (She reminded me completely of Aunt Clara from Bewitched) She gave weekly tests, and since she was not effectively teaching us anything in class, we found other ways to get around her ineptitude. Found out later she went in for cataract surgery the year we graduated--she should have had it earlier.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

50. Cheating is either selfishness or cowardice.

Or both.

If you want to be with someone else, leave the one you're with. It's really that simple. There is no amount of justification that can absolve one of that simple fact.

In an abusive relationship and can't get out? Leave and go to the cops. Oh, and if you really still think cheating is a "safer" option, just wait til jilted lover finds out, and they nearly always do eventually.

Got kids? Yeah, think about how the kids will be when they find out you're boinking someone else. That always works wonders.

Financial reasons? Give me a fucking break. That's got to be the lowest of the low right there. Have a bit of pride, will ya?

I'm sorry - there is NO justification for it.

[NewWaveChick1981]

56. Judgmental much?

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

57. Yes I am, thank you very much.

I see no good reason why not to be either.

[NewWaveChick1981]

58. OK.

[SPKrazy]

83. ........................

:shrug:


how ya doing NWC?

:P :loveya: :hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

91. ...

:hi: Pretty well, SPK! Hope you are too. Just got back out from a night of dinner and Christmas shopping, and I'm ready to drop. :) Fortunately, tomorrow is Saturday, so I can sleep in! :hug:

[SPKrazy]

92. ...

We get to get up and drive to the Denver airport to wait for 4 HOURS they are saying to get on our plane which I hope will be actually taking off tomorrow because I'm ready to get back to Arkansas!

*phew* that was a run on sentence

:loveya: :hug: :pals:

[Lautremont]

59. Your empathy for the vicissitudes of the human condition

is overwhelming. Life is wonderful and terrible, complicated, joyous and painful, and people, fallible as we are, often make a situation worse while trying to make it better. Selfishness is part of our makeup, and a necessary one sometimes for self-preservation. Most people try to do what is best, but there are complex balancing acts involved, and sometimes people fall down.

[NewWaveChick1981]

60. Well said, Lautremont.

:applause:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

65. ohh please....just because someone hurt you, doesnt mean everyones has to live by your rules.

life is complex. people have multiple reasons to cheat. some are perfectly reasonable and some are selfish and self centered.

just to be very clear, so people dont think i am trying to give myself an excuse, anytime i cheated, it was purely for selfish reasons.

still i know people who had valid reasons. and were neither being cowardly or selfish.

[NewWaveChick1981]

53. My answer's up there somewhere.

:) And I will not pass judgment on anyone. If someone makes the decision to cheat, they have their own reasons---good, bad, or otherwise.

[lizziegrace]

61. This is an emotionally charged topic

My ex's cheating ended an 18 year marriage. If he was that unhappy, then why didn't he just end it instead of putting me (and Lelapin when she figured out why this other woman's name kept coming up) through the agony and humiliation of finding out that it had been going on for over a year. I'd have suffered much less if he'd just walked out.

[Beausoir]

62. I love my husband too much to hurt him for the sake of some sex.

I believe he feels the same way.

[querelle]

64. No. Never.

But that's just me. I have friends who cheat on their SO's all the time and it really doesn't bother me. It's their life, not mine and I really don't think any less of them for having cheated. In my own case however, I am very loyal and expect the same. My last partner cheated like a bandit and I actually forgave him three times and took him back before I finally got a clue. People like that will never change I guess, no matter how much we may want them to.

Q

[bicentennial_baby]

66. Yep...But,

I've grown out of that type of behavior. No need to do that again...If I really wanted to do that in the future, I'd just dump the original person first. Much kinder, imho. But, I'm also not really worried about that happening anymore anyway, I've got a good thing going on here. :)

[hunter]

67. I don't even cheat when I'm dreaming.

What's with that? I can be dreaming I'm a thousand miles from the nearest city, doing field work alone with some gorgeous woman I knew from college, the two of us sharing a tent, her sitting up stark naked in the morning light and stretching out her arms and then fluffing her hair... and I'll wake up!

Ah, the romance of a wife, kids, a garden, and a house full of pets in the suburbs... :blush:

[S n o w b a l l]

70. oops ...

[GOPisEvil]

69. Nope, but I've been the cheat-ee.

That was a little slice of heaven, let me tell ya. :D

[S n o w b a l l]

71. Things get complicated....

...when you're bisexual in a monogamous relationship. He was not supportive of that and I made a terrible mistake that I'm certainly not proud of. I've paid the price 100x over. I lost the love of my life and I will go to my grave regretting my mistake. At the time, I didn't look at it as cheating because it was with a woman, but I now realize it was and it hurt him very badly. He confided in one of his friends about my affair and ended up leaving me for her. I guess I deserved it. But, the whole situation almost killed me it hurt so bad.

I don't pass judgment on anyone. Everyone has their own complex reasons for doing what they do. I would just warn that if you're going to cheat, make sure you're ready to lose the other person.

[mike_c]

72. what the hell is "cybersex...?"

I mean really. Maybe I'm betraying my age, but in my day when a guy wanted to do the nasty he found a partner willing to rub mucus membranes. Anything else was something else, e.g. masturbation. TALKING about sex, either in an internet chat forum or over the phone most assuredly isn't sex of any variety!

[Nikia]

95. It might depend on the person

If I had a cybersex conversation with someone else, it would probably be more like comedy for me than a sexaul experience. Even my husband and I laugh when we try to "talk dirty".
I guess that some people take it seriously though.

[ForrestGump]

73. By your definition, yes

Physically, no.

But otherwise...yes. I was provoked, majorly, but yes...

I could justify it by saying "my wife did it first," which was true. She did it physically, for that matter, and -- no details here -- the specifics hurt me badly over a protracted period of time and demonstrated an utter (albeit temporary...it was an odd time for her, not that this excuses her actions) lack of respect for me in any form. She'd already years before losing her libido and ushered in a unilateral lack of intimacy that persisted, so I think I'd have been justified in finding my intimacy elsewhere. Just my luck that when she rediscovered her libido it was with some other sumbitch (and, yes, I almost killed him), though getting into alcohol and the sickness of the island society we were living in also contributed to all of that. My marriage was over then, in any meaningful sense,a nd should undoubtedly have met its demise a decade earlier.

I'm probably like a lot of people: hurt (that's too mild...I was almost f***ing destroyed) by my partner's infidelity but not 'above' infidelity of a sort as an eventual result of their behavior. I still have not yet physicalized those feelings with another but, at this point -- after being separated for years and filing everything I needed to for a divorce that was thwarted (and not in any particular rush to start again with all that terrible legal crap in my new state of residency) -- I find it hard to consider any sexual or romantic involvement with someone else 'cheating' because I am married still only by tenuous legal technicality. Same with anything she may have been up to in the last few years.

I could easily, as some here have shown, display a knee-jerk contempt or even hatred for those who cheat. But it's not that simple -- nothing involving humans ever is -- and there are all sorts of reasons, valid or not (and who's to say which is which?), for straying. Monogamy is not necessarily natural, but I guess it fits me better...unfortunately, when one person decides to break free of that the other's left dangling, at best, and dying inside at worst.

I am, by nature, very loyal and tend to be faithful to a fault...I very strongly doubt that I would ever initiate infidelity in any long-term relationship (like Jimmy Carter, I may lust in my heart but I wouldn't ever do more) and, indeed, despite an extra helping of passion built into my character I have somehow not yet let myself be with someone else, physically, even though I am to all intents and purposes single and have been for years (my divorce should have come through two years ago, after the mandatory waiting period had elapsed). If I were predisposed to 'cheating' I think it's likely I'd have jumped on (no pun intended) some of the many opportunities I've had, especially as a result of my current job. But, no...dammit... :P

[ForrestGump]

74. P.S.

Kinda get peeved, too, about people on DU who characterize separated people as being a bad bet, relationship-wise. Hell, I may be a bad bet as a romantic partner, for all I know -- maybe I am just one of those people who really is meant to be forever alone in that respect -- but some of us are, regardless, separated-and-not-divorced for valid reasons. Not all separated-and-not-divorced people are such because they're just afraid of going all the way or because they're likely to go back to their partners...that's sure not happening to me, because even though my mostly-ex-wife ('ex-wife's' probably appropriate by now, I guess) and I get on well now I can not and will not resume any kind of intimate relationship with her. It's too late.

It's nobody's business why I am not divorced but, just so the broadbrushers know, the reason is that my wife contested the divorce (for no good reason), the news of this didn't get to me as it was supposed to (it took months as aresult of some bureaucratic snafu), and the upshot was that she could haul me into court at any time and my divorce was on hold and basically at her mercy. I had no money then, thanks to her, and had just moved to Las Vegas, so I was basically held in limbo and at this point I need to start again with filing a divorce in Nevada. I've had no real compelling reason to do it (thought I came close once, though, and got the divorce papers ready to be filled out as a result) and it's not only a practical nightmare to fill out user-unfriendly divorce papers but is just basically not a lot of fun, emotionally, no matter what wrong(s) might have been done me to to cause it.

So there you have it...separated but not divorced, though I should have been and did all I needed to so that it would have come to pass a couple of years back. Feeds in to my whole suspicion of the institution of marriage as a legal entity. My marriage was and is well and truly over -- it couldn't get any more over, but -- because the State is involved and you basically have to ask their permission to not live together any more -- I am stuck in some kind of legal limbo in that respect. I'd entertain getting married again (I realized this recently, much to my surprise) but I really do think that the involvement of the State in personal unions is, when you back off and look at it from a distance, totally absurd. Sure, there may be compelling reasons why the State is supposed to act as protector, especially when children are involved, but if the divorce stats are any indication and the level of misery that accompanies divorce -- magnified, intentionally, by some lawyers -- is a hint, perhaps the State's involvement is more negative than positive. In an ideal world, I would not in any way be considered married these past few years. All it should take is jumping backwards over a broom, or something.

[xchrom]

75. i'm not monogamous.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

76. fire and brimstone will rain on thee...

:P

[xchrom]

77. lol -- sometimes it has.

[bigwillq]

78. Yes

I like sex, what are you going to do.

It wasn't about love and that I had feelings, it was just for sex.

[S n o w b a l l]

81. I would think this would be the norm for men..

Whereas with women, they're usually missing intimacy. That's why I cheated anyway. There was only one physical encounter with her and almost 2 years of an online and phone relationship...only because I was craving the emotional intimacy I was not getting in my marriage.

[SPKrazy]

84. I Don't Know Engi

It may come out more on the physical end for men

but I'd argue that men crave emotional intimacy too.

at least this one does

:hi: :hug:

[ForrestGump]

86. Same here

The intimacy was more important than the physical side of it. If that weren't the case, I'd have long since had the physical stuff going on with one or more people (undoubtedly sequential...had I been born a few years earlier, so that my bringing up the rearguard on the Sexual Revolution didn't coincide with Rock Hudson's death and the subsequent AIDS panic, I still doubt I'd have been in to multiple concurrent partners. Might have wanted to, but unlikely I'd have done it. It's not just sex, to me.

[bigwillq]

85. I think that's the way it goes

most times.

It's tough to judge each gender like that but it's the truth.

I wanted sex, you wanted love.

We both got what we wanted.

[unsavedtrash]

79. once

I cheated on the woman I was seeing with the woman who would become my partner. She and I had been together for about a year and a half. There was no way that I could have stopped myself. When she walked in to my apartment I forgot to breathe. My heart was pounding and I couldn't speak to her, but I had to be near her. I was so lucky that she felt the same way. We are working on our twelfth year together.

[CTyankee]

80. Who has not felt that with a love partner?

Why we fall out of love and then in again in love is such a mystery in life. I have done this and I don't think I could even tell you why, it is just that strange.

I guess we need to feel that here is a caring for us, somewhere deep inside. My first husband had depression and was cold and non feeling for a very long time. I finally gave up and divorced him. I needed more. It was best for both of us. We are both remarried.

[Redstone]

87. No. And I'm not about to start now, either.

Redstone

[u4ic]

88. As an adult, no

As a teenager, yes.

I know myself well enough that if I start feeling the urge to cheat (a behaviour in which I will not indulge), it's usually because something is very wrong in the relationship and I'd rather a. work it out or b. leave. I'll usually try a. first.

[pokerfan]

94. Define cheating

Is masturbation cheating? Cause I had a g/f once who sure as hell thought it was.

Is cybersex cheating? I have no personal experience with that, but I would tend to think so.

But is it really different from masturbation?