What's the secret to a happy marriage?

[Courtesy Flush]

A friend just sent me a joke on this subject (not funny enough to bother posting here), but it got me thinking.

What is the secret of a happy marriage? First I'll tell you where I am coming from. I've been married for 23 years, and this morning when the alarm clock sounded my wife and I snuggled tightly until the snooze alarm sounded, then went through two more cycles all snuggled up. This is what we do every single morning and it's been that way since we were in our twenties.

No, that's not the secret. I'm just saying that I've got one of those happy marriages, and I still couldn't answer the question if anyone asked me the secret.

The best answer I can give is that both people have to want it to work. Fidelity is also important, but maybe not a deal breaker in all marriages (I think infidelity would cause a severe blow to our marriage, but I'm not willing to find out). Trust is a biggie for us. I hand over all my paychecks to my wife, and never give it another thought. I trust her with money more than I trust myself. I feel like everything my wife does takes my best interests into account. I try to be the same way with her, but she's better at it than I am. Don't get the wrong impression. She's no doting housewife. She has advanced degrees, and has always made more money that I, so she'd do fine without me. She's a take-charge woman who knows how to keep me in line (yes, I get teased by other guys, but I get my way about as often as she does).

I should note that we never had kids. That can add an extra thirty years to any honeymoon, but there are people with plenty of kids, and as happy as we are, so that's certainly not the secret.

Maybe it's stupid to try to generalize. Maybe the secret to one marriage is not right for another. Surely there's got to be one common thread out there. What makes your marriage work?

EDIT: What I'm really trying to say is that there are thousands of marriages that are nothing like mine, and arrangements that would never work in my house, yet they're happy and stay married. It's the lack of a common factor that I'm asking about.

[kwassa]

1. Major drugs

[Courtesy Flush]

2. You must have dropped in from Craigslist

:dunce:

[kwassa]

15. Sorry, me lounge lizard long time.

also in, for me, a long relationship and marriage, getting up to 12 years, and we are happy as clams.

Sorry to be so flip.

The secret of a great marriage? the desire to be in one, the willingness to give the other person the space to be themselves, and vice versa, mutual respect, tolerance, and the long view of things. And love, the most important ingredient.

[SPKrazy]

32. When Those Quit Working

what then?

when it all falls inward on you?

you find another way, or get buried under it all

Today I'm finding another way

:shrug:

I would guess that the secret to a good marriage is total openness and dealing with problems before they become living entities that suffocate a person.

Also, compatibility is important. Making sure that one goes in with an honest assessment of their feelings and reasons for marrying are important too. (ie, security of any kind is not a good reason to marry in my opinion-people can't offer that kind of thing forever if at all)

:hi:

[Shakespeare]

3. Everything you said, plus RESPECT.

My marriage recently ended, and trust and respect were the two huge issues that caused me to leave.

No matter how angry you are at your spouse, please try never, ever to lash out in an ugly, disrespectful way. That was a one-sided situation with us; if were were fighting about something, I bent over backwards never to call names or do anything else that could be considered below-the-belt. I was called a "fucking cunt" one time too many (along with a few others things that went dramatically bad, such as being expected to support somebody who wanted to stay drunk all day long).

Trust and respect are vital, and no amount of physical affection or wheedling can overcome a lack of it. :-(

[BOSSHOG]

4. Happily Married for 33 years

- Hugs every day
- Share household chores
- Let the other spouse have their own time
- Communicate, especially about bills and money issues
- Make the effort to make your spouse's sex life awesome. Know what they want and give it to them
- Be a friend as well as a spouse
- Do what the spouse wants to do; go to the restaurant or movie they want to see
- Say I love you every day


Just a few tidbits from a very happy married old fart.
- Actually my key to success was simple, I married the most wonderful woman on the planet.

[mopinko]

5. trust. absence of fear.

DH and i are about to celebrate our 25th. it was a long struggle. through events too boring to post here, we fell into a pile of trust. fear evaporated. we both dropped our need to protect ourselves, and that nagging fear that we were making a mistake. all problems thereafter were worked out knowing that each was doing the best they could do.
our world shifted on its axis. we are very happy now.
btw, we have 5 kids.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

6. your marriage sounds very sweet...and you sound like a lovely individual too.

[RetroLounge]

7. Separate Domiciles...

trust me...

Married 10 years, the first 9 happy. Not a bad percentage, really.

RL

[leftofthedial]

8. a complete lack of imagination

[Conan_The_Barbarian]

9. Domination and fear

[underpants]

11. shame and guilt

deserved or not

:bounce::rofl:

Too funny

[Lyric]

10. Your relationship sounds like how my partner

would describe ours.

When we sleep, we usually sleep facing each other, snuggled close, with our arms tucked under our pillows, my right hand holding her left hand, our legs intertwined like scissors. We're very "touch-oriented"; one of us cannot pass the other without squeezing a hand, caressing a forehead, or playing with a strand of hair.

In our relationship, I'm the one who gets her paycheck handed to me, because I'm better at budgeting and keeping track of money. I get my way a lot, but not because I insist upon it. She gives me a lot of "control" because it makes me far more relaxed and happy, and seeing me relaxed and happy makes *her* happy. She is by nature a follower, and I am by nature a leader. We fit together wonderfully, and neither of us feels like the other is taking advantage.

Part of what makes our relationship so healthy and vibrant is that we understand each other well. She understands my personality well, and I understand hers. We are both forthright and clear-minded about how we fit together, what our respective strengths and weaknesses are, and how we can help each other become better people. Neither of us walks all over the other. Neither of us is excessively dependent upon the other.

Another part of what makes our relationship work so well is that we are both very intimate, "clingy" people. Neither of us would be happy with someone who requires "space" and "privacy". We have built our lives around each other in a way that many people would probably find smothering, but for us, it's perfect. We never go hang out with people separately. We don't really have "separate" friends. Every single part of our lives is shared, wholly and willingly.

A friend who's a Psych Major once told us that our closeness is "unhealthy" and that "in order to make your relationship last, you need to have personal boundaries". I know she meant well, but the two of us just laughed. We've already been living together for nearly eight years--if that isn't "making it last", I don't know what is. People who don't know any better tend to assume that we're still in that romantic "first year", because of how affectionate and close we are. In a way, they're right--that romantic "first year" never ended for us. Eight years later, it still feels like we're just as much in love as we were back then.

[Courtesy Flush]

13. My point exactly

Your relationship is held together in DIFFERENT ways than mine. While we're as close as you guys, it's for different reasons. My wife and I are opposites in many ways, and like your psych major said, we have our own separate activities aside from our together stuff (BTW: I'm married to a school psychologist). I'm like a little Jimmy Buffet, and she's a type-A personality. It shouldn't work at all, but it does.

So the question remains... what's the common thread? Heck, maybe there's a god, and he blesses some folks. Makes me question my atheism.

[NewJeffCT]

12. The secret is to always get in the last word

And, the last words are, "yes dear."

[BOSSHOG]

14. Works for me every time.

[Rhythm]

17. i prefer "o.k., sweetheart!"

[RedStateShame]

16. Somebody on the side. n/t

[Orsino]

18. Honesty.

Once you can fake that, you've got it made. :evilgrin:

Seriously, though, lying hurts, and there's just too much stuff to remember. I'm with a partner with whom I can be honest, all the time, even to the point of bluntness. Mutual respect would seem to be a requirement for this state of affairs.

[youthere]

19. Mryouthere and I hit 20 years this coming July...

and I think some secrets we discovered were:


1. 99.9999% of all problems, issues, annoyances and peeves are little shit that really don't matter in the grander scheme.

2. If you have something to say and it isn't: a.)necessary b.)helpful c.) loving d.) truthful then keep your mouth shut.

3. Everyday ask yourself what is one thing you can do to show your spouse/partner that they mean the world to you..then do it.

Also there will be times when every spouse/partner will behave like a complete jackass...smile and ignore it and the next time YOU act like a jackass they'll do the same.

[caty]

20. Treat your SO the way you would want to be treated.

That's been our "secret" for 36 years. If I want I hug, I give him one and he hugs back. If he wants a kiss, he kisses me and I kiss him back. We trust and respect each other. We are honest and loyal to each other. If you want something from your partner, give it. You'll get it back many times over.

[Corgigal]

21. Most things are mentioned but

what I have found is that we become more peaceful as time passes by. We have 2 children from our relationship, 2 from my first marriage and 1 from his first marriage. So we have to add in ex's and a bunch of family that for the most part, we don't want to deal with much.

The older my husband and I get, I'm almost 49 now, the more relaxed we are. Now the teenagers and young people love all the drama but I've lived through mine when I was young and love this change.
My husband brings in all the income, I'm lucky to get a few years off from work but I get to handle all the bills. We don't lie about finances, children or family. Don't need to because we are on the same team. We share the same dreams and right now we want the kids to get a good shot at life.

After that...Vence Italy. Ha..then more peace until I get to play with some cute grandchildren.

Go for the small things, you have a better chance of success.

[BOSSHOG]

22. Make sure your mate gets what he/she wants in bed

That's my first priority when we hit the sack. And I might add, there is a selfish motivation, cause eventually she's gonna tear into me. And we are both over 50. Not the be all end all and know all of a happy marriage but lordy it sure does get a big assist in the stat column.

[MISSDem]

23. You love each other.

That is the secret.

[m_welby]

24. After 26 years, I Honestly have no idea what works.

We've been together for so long now i can't imagine anything else. I don't know what works or doesn't. we respect each other, and love each other, that seems to be enough. Both of our kids are just about grown now and are out of the house so we recently were blessed with some 'alone time'.

We've never been alone, we were young married parents and have never really been able to spend time by ourselves. I endlessly hear how it's different when the kids move out; that's true. It's better! It took about a month before we began to realize that we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, wherever we want to. It's very strange, scary, liberating, and fun.

I only really have a couple of things I've figured out that work (for us).

1. Don't sweat the small stuff (and hold onto each other through the big stuff).
2. Never let children or pets outnumber you.
3. Try new things together.(for instance we'll be trying some tequila later. :D)


That's it.

[Broken_Hero]

25. I've only been married for

2 and a half years, but one of our secrets, well...not secrets, more like guidelines..is never go to bed angry, never leave an issue unsettled, regardless if it takes a few days/weeks to take care of...and we don't yell, although, both of us have broken that rule...twice for me, once for her...

[Courtesy Flush]

30. I've always heard that

but we've gone to bed angry plenty of times, and we still get over it. Not sure why you can be angry when you're awake, but not when you're asleep, but that one's never been a thing with us.

[Rosemary2205]

26. separate bedrooms

We have a VERY loving and romantic relationship. But if we try to share a room it's pure hell.

[Courtesy Flush]

31. Not universal enough

Yes, I know a few couples who are happy with separate bedrooms. My in-laws have been married 63 years, and separate sleeping arragements work for them. Still, it's not a universal thread for all happy marriages.

Or maybe it is. Maybe it's not the separate bedrooms that matter, but the flexibility to adjust to what works for you.

[Rosemary2205]

37. Um

From the OP "What makes your marriage work?"

Sorry, no offense intended.

Wow.

[distantearlywarning]

27. I'm in a happy marriage - here's my list

1) Marry the right person. Someone you share interests with, who you share a world view with, someone who "gets" you, and who you can trust mentally, physically, financially, etc. All the other things won't help if you just aren't compatible with one another, or if one of you is an evil person.

2) Never fight dirty. Don't call names, don't be contemptuous, don't be mean. Always treat the other person with respect, no matter how mad you are at them right then. Live by the golden rule when you fight - if you would be hurt if your partner called you the name you want to call them, then keep your mouth shut.

3) Don't misattribute your partner's motives when they do something you don't like - don't automaticallly assume they did it deliberately to hurt you, and don't automatically assume their actions are representative of a major character flaw.

4) Verbally acknowledge your appreciation of the other person's contributions to the household and the marriage, even if it's just everyday chores. And tell them you love them every day, so they don't forget. Tell them you find them attractive, even if they've gained a few pounds or are losing their hair.

5) Don't ever demean them in public. Always get their back when other people are around. Don't talk shit about your spouse to your friends or strangers on the internet. If you need to fix something, do them the courtesy of trying to work it out with them first instead of your girlfriends or your poker buddies. Just communicating in general is good - honesty and willingness to work through stuff instead of covering it up or complaining to other people.

[Courtesy Flush]

34. Really good stuff

All of those are musts. It's hard to pick one and say "yes, that's really true", cause you've hit a bunch of good core requisites.

[Mad_Dem_X]

28. Trust, respect, and a sense of humor! n/t

[Ms_Dem_Meanor]

29. The secret is...

keeping people who aren't in a relationship out of yours. Those are the same ones that always got advice on what you should do can't keep a partner.

[ganeshji]

33. separate bathrooms

separate bank accounts

[Courtesy Flush]

35. For you, but not for us

We live in a 4000 square foot house, but it wasn't until last year that we finally had a second bathroom (restoring an old Victorian. 22 years sharing a bath). Even now, the second bath is for guests, and we don't use it much.

We've never had separate bank accounts, and I've seen a lot of bad blood in marriages that do. Which comes back to the flexibility issue. Separate accounts work for you, but not for everyone.

I'm piecing it together now. There is no common thread except that each couple has to find their own path. I can't tell you how many "marriage killers" we're guilty of. None are marriage killers for us. I've also seen stories of people whose marriage has been saved by adding sex partners. That might destroy us, but might save someone else. It all seems to center around an intimate knowledge of one another, and a flexibility to discard the norms, and do what works n your relationship... which, of course, means sometimes no marriage at all.

Now we're getting closer to the answer I was looking for.

[ganeshji]

43. I agree with you about flexibility.

That is truly one of the most important things. I really didn't mean to sound like such a smartass, but I kind of did. I really think you answered your question perfectly, though.

[NMDemDist2]

36. we're childless also but best friends first and foremost n/t

[Joey Liberal]

38. Threesomes n/t

[femmocrat]

39. Separate checking accounts and credit cards.

[WCGreen]

40. Seperate Sheets.....

[Redstone]

41. Three words: Love and listen.

Redstone

[tinfoilinfor2005]

42. After twenty five years of marriage, I've found a very simple formula:

The wife is only expected to give forty nine percent. Luckily for the husband, he only has to give forty nine percent. The rest is up to the Angels.

[cobalt1999]

44. My wife is my best friend.

I know men where that is not true (they are ALWAYS out golfing, fishing, or at a bar with their friends), and their marriages never seem happy. On the other hand, maybe it is the unhappy marriages that cause folks to avoid their spouse as much as possible.

As for me an occasional outing with the guys is great, but most of the time I'd rather do something with my wife...she's the same way.

[Zookeeper]

45. I think it all boils down to liking how he/she smells...

It's chemistry.

Mr. Z. and I have been married for 23 years. We had time living as single adults before we met and we had a few years together as a couple before having children. So, we knew we had a good thing going and when we were overwhelmed with three kids, it was ok because we had a foundation with each other.

I think a key is to ignore all of the messages about finding a soulmate, finding perfection, being rescued by a white knight or finding a dainty princess. People, life, the world, kids, marriage....nothing is perfect, as in, you can't always have everything your way. Be willing to share and compromise. Stand up for yourself when necessary, but be ready to "get over yourself" as well.

I can't always figure why my marriage works. We have our similarities, but plenty of differences, too. We are very affectionate, but we can give each other space. We both get cranky, but we forgive. We're both a couple of smartasses, but we also both have thick skin and a great sense of humor. And we are deeply committed to our marriage, so, even on the days when we hate each other, we never consider just giving up.

[LaraMN]

46. A massive mutual sense of delusion.

Okay, fine.
Trust and respect, I suppose. You don't have much without that.

[Porcupine]

47. Blind husband, deaf wife. Or so I've heard.

Or that could be deaf husband, blind wife.

Of course I'm a bitter divorcee so don't ask me.

[pokerfan]

48. A wise man once wrote

A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dreamworld.

Sovereign ingredient for a happy marriage: Pay cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic felicity.

Another ingredient for a happy marriage: budget the luxuries first!

And still another -- See to it that she has her own desk -- then keep your hands off it!

And another -- in a family argument, if it turns out you are right -- apologize at once!

Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.

Dear, don't bore him with trivia or burden him with your past mistakes. The happiest way to deal with a man is never to tell him anything he does not need to know.

Rub her feet.

[blondeatlast]

49. Relax, enjoy, and live for the time AFTER the wedding.

Every one of my friends--every one of six--who had a huge blowout wedding with months or even a year of preparation is now divorced and with only one exception, unhappily so. Most are still arguing well after the divorce--I think that says a great deal about what went into the relationship.

Mr. B and I had a teensy little wedding and spent our time planning a lovely trip to Hawai'i and the home we would buy upon our return. In retrospect, we thought about the MARRIAGE rather than the wedding even though we weren't conscious of that at the time.

Eleven years, one beautiful son, and some truly trying times later (regarding ill health and the temptation of another) we are as happy as we ever were if not more so. We don't try for anything, we just deal with problems as we encounter them; always with the idea that we will get through the tough times together.

FWIW, he's of another culture and I think that adds just enough to keep us both interested in each other--always a different perspective on any situation.