What's the secret to a crappy marriage?

[BikeWriter]

:shrug: Mine always wind up that way!

[blondeatlast]

1. All the crappy marriages I know have one thing in common right from the start

(literally):

Huge, overplanned, blowout weddings with me as a bridesmaid. Mr. B and I have been quite happy and we were married in a very slightly more elaborate ceremony than by a JP; no attendants and no more than 10 people. :shrug:

[Hugin]

2. or me as the 'Best Man'!

:rofl:

[BikeWriter]

4. I have the feeling there's a good story here...

[Hugin]

6. Well, not *much* of a story...

Other than out of 6 weddings where I've acted as the Best Man not one of them has lasted
more than two years...

So far, I'm bowling a perfect game!

(No, I didn't personally have anything to do with it...)

[BikeWriter]

8. Aww, hell. Does that mean you're the divorce Genie?

[Hugin]

11. They were mainly young people having a 'Starter marriage'...

No children yet in all cases.

Like I said below, money was a big issue.

[BikeWriter]

12. Yep, money problems suck, whether it's too much or not enough.

[Hugin]

13. Of course, other problems are held out as the cause...

There is much hand wringing and shoulder crying.

(I now have arthritis in my sympathy shoulder. ;) )

But, I've also seen a fair share of miracles. Sometimes all it takes is a little
time and understanding.

[BikeWriter]

3. I've tried them both ways. One in Church, two at JPs.

They've all gone to shit in four to sixteen years.

[TheFriendlyAnarchist]

5. My parents gave me good advice: Elope instead of using that money for

a big wedding that no one will enjoy, and save it for the honeymoon.

[BikeWriter]

7. Cool advice! The first wife and I also used second hand...

furniture, until we could buy antiques. That worked out wonderfully. She had a hundred grand or so worth of furniture when she left!

[skygazer]

15. That formula doesn't work for me

My first wedding was in a judge's office. While not totally crappy, it didn't work out.

My second wedding was a relaxed backyard barbecue with friends and family. That one was the epitome of crappy.


I'm not sure what my secret is but I doubt anyone would want to share it anyway. :shrug:

[blondeatlast]

25. I wasn't a bridesmaid at either of them, was I?

I seem to be the kiss of death except for my own... :shrug:

[crim son]

29. I had a very small wedding, and I had the reception at my parents'

home. The food was not catered, except for the cake. Our live band was a string quartet. My husband and I did not exchange precious gifts. I wore an antique wedding dress. You were not our bridesmaid YET... the marriage has failed.

I wish I knew the secret but maybe it's to avoid getting married in the first place.

[Hugin]

9. Seriously, most of the time it's financial problems...

Once people grow beyond the age of 'Starter Marriages' other issues crop up...

Kids or no kids.
Personality incompatibility.
Lack of attention to details.
Different interests.

In one of my long term non-marriages... My SO decided she was a lesbian. In another,
my SO decided she liked other guys, LOTS OF THEM.... and oh, yeah, she forgot to tell
me about it.

[BikeWriter]

10. Ooh, that one's a bummer! I had that happen, too.

[Hugin]

14. The first one was very sympathetic and sweet about it...

So, it was very easy to forgive. We're still close.

The second one, I'm still angry about and perhaps a little hurt.
It has caused me some problems in later relationships. Which isn't
fair for the others.

[BikeWriter]

18. Oh, I know the baggage deal. That's why I'm abstaining now.

[Hugin]

20. Although, she did introduce me to the concept of 'Schadenfreude'...

So, it wasn't a total loss. ;)

[BikeWriter]

21. Dayum, I try to avoid all my exes.

[Hugin]

23. As do I, it was during that phase where mutual friends, who could've helped...

Earlier suddenly start yabbering endlessly about the SO and their activities after the fact.
When it's the last thing you want to hear about.

It happens every time! :eyes:

[RetroLounge]

16. Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex with strangers

At least that was the secret of the first marriage...

:shrug:

RL

[BikeWriter]

19. Aww hell. :-(

[Nikia]

17. Marrying someone to fullfill your needs

I mention that because I have heard several people say that they are looking for a SO or potential spouse to meet their needs.
While it is important to have someone who agrees to meet some goals as a couple like whether to have children or not, buy a house, and other basics, I think that if you expect your partner to meet your needs you are bound to be disappointed. You are also unfairly putting a lot of pressure on your partner. If you have more needs than your partner, your partner may begin to feel that you are overly needy and that he or she are giving everything and that you are giving little in return. If you both really needy, you might just fuel each other's problems and both be disappointed that your needs are not getting met and you are incapable of pleasing the other person.
It is best that you do not committ to marriage, moving in together as a couple, or having children until you each can fullfill all your own needs and only want to be together, aside from maybe a few basic goals that I mentioned.

[BikeWriter]

22. All three of mine say I demand too much, uh, hanky panky...

:wtf: izzat all about?

[zanne]

24. If you want to have a really bad marriage...

Never admit you're wrong.

[BikeWriter]

38. Very true.

[petgoat]

26. Self deception, poor communication skills, unwilingess to be rational,

phobias, and conflict avoidance can contribute to a crappy marriage.

[Writer]

27. Concentrating more on the image of happiness than truly finding happiness.

Many young couples fall into this trap.

[Wapsie B]

28. Not being happy with oneself and looking to another

to complete them. Or fear of being alone. Or being sexually mismatched. I'm guilty of all those.

[Porcupine]

30. Pretend you like her/his music playing......

particularly if they have dreams of becoming a professional musician and they suck. That works wonders. My ex's clarinet playing could bring down large waterfowl in flight like a goose gun.

In fourteen years together I never once told her her playing sucked. It wasn't until my daughters started complaining to me after the divorce that I admitted that I hated it out loud.

Oh getting very, very ill helps also. The only parts of a marraige vow that matter are: "in sickness," "for worse," and "poorer."

But I'm and optomist.

[MoseyWalker]

31. peeing in the bed

I've heard it ruins more marriages than religion.

[BarenakedLady]

32. Ooh Ooh I know this one!

Marrying for security and stability instead of love, passion, attraction, or hell even common interests.

Somethings you can never change over time no matter how hard you try.

[JVS]

33. Expectations

[ForrestGump]

34. One partner singlehandedly gutting the finances, overly controlling behavior, emotional castration..

and, eventually, an alcohol-assisted 'midlife crisis' that follows as a self-fulfilling prophecy from repeated statements of "I'm 40...I'm going to have a midlife crisis," total self-involvement, even further fiscal excess despite not having brought in an income for 12 f***ing years, brutal neglect of and contempt for the partner, and transparent infidelity.




Meet my wife.

:D



To be fair, I became emotionally distant, sublimated all of my energies into my work (leading me to true hotshotdom in my career field, though it sort of became nullified by her behavior f***ing up my life so much for so long that I eventually walked on the whole damned program), and all of that, but only after I got tired of ramming my head against a wall in a decade-long fruitless quest for intimacy and a better marriage. I undoubtedly could have done more to try to improve things but there's only so much that one person can do when the other is unresponsive or hostile and -- and I don't care if this sounds like a playground defense -- she started it. Seriously, it does not take two to tango, as she always used to say...one person can mess up a marriage just fine all by themselves, though usually at the very least there's probably some resultant feedback through the other partner that compounds the damage.

When she was at her worst, when she rediscovered her libido and found it was stimulated by a hopeless, broken-down, alcoholic and psychotic old Rumpelstiltsken archetype, the final straws were not only entirely unilateral but I could not reason with her at all, or succeed in getting her to see how she might feel if I behaved as she was. I get on well with her now, but I still f***ing hate that putrid, twisted bitch from a few years ago, and am not much more keen on the one that made most of our marriage a miserable trap for me for all those years (wasted years, in that respect).

Against the odds, I now think I'd consider marriage again. Maybe. One day. But that doesn't alter the fact that I'm highly suspicious of the concept and see it as one f***ed-up institution in its very constructs -- the whole fact that you could say that all it really represents is asking government permission to live together -- despite evidence that some people, at least, get it right. I would love to be one of those people, one day...

I'd kind of like to be a father, I think.

[BikeWriter]

37. Yours sounds as mindblowing as my last marriage...

It's not like I didn't know she was a psycho b from hell. That's what attracted me to her in the first place. All our mutual friends literally placed bets on which of us would blow the other away first. The truly amazing thing was it actually worked superbly for about twelve years before everything began going to shit.
I learned a very good lesson, though, about the type of people I form emotional attachments to. That's why my current several year relationship with an old flame has been kept almost purely plutonic.

You'd kind of like to be a father, you think? I have been there, done that, and experienced both incredible joy and gut-wrenching pain. To most people the experience is well worth the effort.

[Common Sense Party]

35. Ooo, lots of things can give you a really crappy marriage:

Jealousy.

Separate checking accounts.

Overspending (by one or both).

Different values and beliefs.

One spouse thinking he/she can "change" the other one.

Selfishness.

Being a doormat.

Expecting and demanding perfection.

Thinking that you can only be happy if the other person makes you happy.

Secrets.


That's just a few off the top of my head. But what do I know? My wife and I are coming up on our 15th anniversary, and we're blessedly happy.

[mistertrickster]

39. Agreed, CSP.

He always thinks "she'll never change," and she always thinks, "I can change him."

Also the fact that men can never remember and women can never forget doesn't help either.

[fortyfeetunder]

36. Interfering outlaws

who drive a wedge in the marriage and put their child in the difficult position to defer the parents instead of the spouse.

The part about leaving parents and cleaving to a spouse does not apply for outlaws.