Contest. Winner will be decided by Lounge Poll. Stuff we say to pets

[EFerrari]

What is the weirdest thing you've said to your holiday-stressed out pet (no, people don't count)?

Yesterday, I was walking Kid and she was completely unmanageable. Biting the leash, lunging at people, pulling like a AAA tow truck. I heard myself say out loud and in public, "PLEASE try to behave like a HUMAN BEING!"


:silly:

Post 'em here and we'll take a poll for three winners. I will commit to sending each a $10 cert for their favorite supplier on the net -- caveat: ones that won't get me arrested.

Go for it.

:hi:

edit: lease->leash

[xchrom]

1. ok -- when my baby boy was still with me --

and we would get to a corner and he wanted to go one way and me another --

we would fight.

i'd say ''no, this way.'' -- and i'd start off and come to an abrupt halt. -- he'd look at me -- his eyes saying ''noooo -- this way.''

then i'd say ''no -- i wanna go this way.''

then he'd bark -- and pull.

then i'd yell.

he'd bark and growl.

yell.

bark and growl -- fiercely.

yell -- but go the way he wanted -- and me bitching at his back end -- for say five minutes.

[EFerrari]

2. What did you say when you were yelling?

I've tried, "This is NOT a democracy!" but, it didn't work. :rofl:

[xchrom]

4. things like ''why -- why that way -- we just went that way?''

or ''oh no you don't you bastard -- i know why you wanna go that way -- you think you'll find garbage.''

or just your usual ''you fucker you just want to do it your way, bastard!''

[EFerrari]

7. "Oh, no you don't you bastard."

:rofl:

[flvegan]

3. How many times can we enter? I mean

I'm a really weird guy that says really weird stuff, AND I've got a LOT of pets.

[EFerrari]

5. Just go for it. I have a lot of pets, too.

:rofl:

[uppityperson]

6. My beast dog has learned that if I say "Excuse me" he must move

he wants to be there first, go there first, be in the way no matter what and I get tired of tripping over the 95# doofus and got tired of yelling at him so I started saying "excuse me" and looking at him and eventually his peabrain cells rubbed together enough for him to learn that this meant "MOVE NOW!"

People look at me weird when I say this, and then in amazement when he moves, but it helps keep my stress level down.

My cats respond to their individual names and nicknames also. Hey, if they can learn "kitty kitty kitty" or tap tap tap means come here and eat, they can learn their names also, right? Now, whether they chose to respond is another matter.

[EFerrari]

8. Cats have language. I have seven and they all and only respond

to their own names.

They, however, balk at responding to, um, epithets. lol

[uppityperson]

11. pooh, pest, baby peabrain are the nicknames

Pooh got hers by needing a name to rhyme with "oo", pest because it is almost her name and she was, and baby peabrain because, well, she was and still is. Pooh actually answers mostly to pooh not her real name.

[EFerrari]

12. I'm scared to ask -- what was Pooh's "real" name? I named one pair

"Antony and Cleopatra" because I was writing on that play. Turned out, they were "Patty" and "Baby" because she was a no-sh!t kind of cat and he was a huge baby.

Beautiful, majestic, Patty and Baby.

lol

[flvegan]

9. First entry: "As a matter of fact, I DON'T want to sniff your hairy ass.

I know you dogs dig it and all, but I'm no ass-sniffer."

Said to my Snottweiler just today when he damn near sat on my head. Just sort of hovered his wagging butt over my face, looking back at me.

[EFerrari]

10. Now, imho, that's a very measured response.

:rofl:

[calimary]

73. This one gets my vote!

:rofl:

I usually don't get much past "Dammit, dog!"

[kickysnana]

13. Barney, Golden Lab & Great Dane mix

Always slept with one paw over his eyes and loved everyone except those doing drugs. He told them to stay away in no uncertain terms as we discovered when my cousin brought her new boyfriend over the firat and last time.

We think someone stole him to go hunting and he turned up on our front porch one fall. We think he was a "hearing" dog but he was so emaciated that when the people came to look at him they thought he was old and claimed it wasn't him and they called us not the other way around. Anyway, Barney got Gaines burgers at Christmas. He really loved them. They smelled like chemicals to me so we wouldn't let him have them regularly. We wrapped them up and put them under the tree about two days before and he would sit by his present and wait. Except one Christmas when the devil whispered in his ear and he opened the package in the wee hours of Christmas morning. There he was looking guilty as could be and I said to him "Who do you suppose did that?". He actually looked puzzled that he was not going to get scolded. Tell me they don't understand.

Hey Gaines burgers is in the DU dictionary. Who'd have thought?

[calimary]

74. Welcome to DU!

[rug]

14. "Get off my leg or I'll kill you."

[EFerrari]

26. Simple and clear.

:rofl:

[The Straight Story]

15. I asked my dog if it was really my mom (ie, did she come back as my dog)

The dog was acting odd, fussing about and wanting more attention then usual. She sat there whimpering at me so I asked "Mom, is that you? Are you trying to tell me that you came back as a dog and are looking after me?"

[alarimer]

16. Get your butt out of my face

Said to the cat who climbs all over me when I am lying on the couch. For some reason he likes showing me his ass.

[sweetheart]

22. ditto

Dog gets on bed, curls up on pillow and puts tail on top of my nose.

(pushes dog off pillow) 'get your butt out of my face' :-)

[EFerrari]

30. Ah, bonding!

lol

[Brazenly Liberal]

17. "No freakin' way! If I take you, I have to take all the chickens....

and you KNOW Blanche poops on the upholstery!"

said to Georgia the hen when she hopped into the car as I was getting ready to make my fourth trip of the day into town to buy something I forgot the first three times.

[Brazenly Liberal]

18. PS: Your dog has an adorable face!

I just want to smother it with snuggles! <----- :shameless sucking up:

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

19. Do songs count?

I have composed several in honor of my cat, Lucky. The lyrics are rather boring (mainly "the baby kitty" over and over again in the one she likes best), but when I start singing them, she comes to me right away.

[EFerrari]

29. We'd have to see the lyrics.

:evilgrin:

edit: s>t

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

44. I gave them to you

the baby kitty
the baby kitty (bo bo de oh do)
the baby kitty
the baby kitty (bo bo de oh do)
the baby kitty
the baby kitty




etc. etc. etc.

[EFerrari]

46. LOL!

I LOVE that!

lol

[calimary]

76. Oh, MAN, somebody else who sings to their pets! I made one up called

"Doggez-vous" (pronounced "Dog-ay-vous" with apologies to French people, and sung to the tune of "Cocktails for Two"):

You are my little doggez-vous.
I don't know what I see in you.
All day I clean up all your poo
And pee.
Monotony.
P-U!

You are my little doggez-vous.
Our shoes and underwear you chew.
The table in our living room
You shred.
I'm seeing red
And feeling so blue.

But I will not give up on you.
I still have faith in doggez-vous.
It's not yet time to call the zoo
Unless
You freak. I guess
I'm sticking with you...

You're my doggez-vous...



Damned dog.

[EFerrari]

101. Bravo! I sing love songs to my dogs. Not to the cats because

they just look pained or sometimes, outright sneer at me. But my Buddy used to put up with a lot and now the new recruit is so green, she doesn't know I can't sing and am prone to faking lyrics.

lol

[undeterred]

106. I have a song called "best dog in the neighborhood"

and I even taught it to his walker. He's deaf now, but I sing it anyway.

[bertha katzenengel]

20. "Richard, please don't stand on my titties."

Mods, please don't lock the thread because of this. I swear to god that is what we both say to the cat who just. will. not. lay. down!

:blush:

[EFerrari]

31. Can't get any respect, not even of any kind.

:)

[MountainLaurel]

56. Been there, done that

"Hey, watch the breast!" is an oft-heard refrain in the Laurel family bed.

[KitchenWitch]

21. When Tinkie used to get a wild hair up her butt

as cats often do, if she was being particularly annoying or disruptive, I used to yell "Cat Scampi" at her.

Gods I miss that cat.

[EFerrari]

33. Goes into the "I'll EAT you" section.

lol

That seems to be my personal favorite. Maybe we're not getting enough protein.

[KitchenWitch]

58. Yup!

My friends used to think I was crazy!

:crazy:

[EFerrari]

67. Nah. They're just in denial.

lol

[sarge43]

23. We have a cockatiel, Vern, who is, well, not too bright.

When he's trying to preen, he hurts himself; he squeals and twitches. "Vern! For the love of God, read the freaking instruction book!"

[EFerrari]

36. Ever think he might be a masochist?

lol

[sarge43]

39. Never thought of that, but it is possible.

:spray:

[badgerpup]

97. "...read the freakin' instruction book!"

:spray::rofl:

[sarge43]

99. Thank you, badgerpup, but

you're among the top three contenders with "Get out of my pants, you little shit." That's a traffic stopper.

[badgerpup]

100. OH! Well...

:blush: THANKS!
I'll tell the little furballs who inspired it!
They're spoiled rotten very well cared for, even if I do cuss at them...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

24. "I do not want to look up your asshole."

Another instance of cat immodesty, in which he stuck his butt in my face.

[judaspriestess]

25. To my out of control bulldog Thor -

"Thor get over here and explain yourself right now"!!!

on edit: I have more to follow :)

[EFerrari]

34. LOL!

"Did you do that?"

:rofl:

[graywarrior]

27. Get over here and act like an adult so I can take this.

[EFerrari]

37. Look at that great pissed off face.

:hi:

[sarge43]

82. "There will be retribution - very ugly, noisy retribution." n/t

[A-Schwarzenegger]

28. 1. "SPIT THAT OUT!"

2. "Don't even think about it."
3. "What the hell do you think you are?"

[graywarrior]

32. LOL

At 3 am..."Why does it take you 3 minutes to scratch the box after you ue it? GIVE IT A REST, DAMMIT!"

[EFerrari]

35. Top three.

Plus, "I don't EVEN want to know what you're doing right now."

lol

[graywarrior]

38. "Aww, geeze...don't bring that in here...."

[EFerrari]

40. LOL

:rofl:

"No, those aren't moving targets. We call them "neighbors".

lol

[graywarrior]

41. "Why did you have to hump the cop?"

[EFerrari]

42. Now, we're getting somewhere.

:rofl:

[hyphenate]

43. When my only girl and my youngest male

get into it, I of course holler at them. The thing that I almost always say is, "You're worse than kids!"

[hyphenate]

45. Oh, one other thing

I forgot. When the girl rolls over and is showing her tummy and every part of her underside to me, I call her the little "slutty" which I pronounce as "slut-tee." She wiggles around when I call her that.

[graywarrior]

47. You must listen to Don White.

[hyphenate]

50. Who?

Afraid I'm not acquainted with him.

[graywarrior]

52. He's a performer from Lynn. Does a song about "slutee"

One of the funniest guys I ever heard.

http://donwhite.net/

[EFerrari]

68. Wiggles count, for sure.

lol

They KNOW what sets us off. We are slaves.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

48. We live on a boat and sleep "down below" just a few feet from

"up above". When both my kitties were with us (Scott passed), they used to start their day at around three a.m., chasing each other round and round upstairs. It sounded like a herd of buffalo. When they woke me I would revert to my motherhood days and I would yell at the ceiling, "If I have to come up there, you are both in big trouble." Never worked. Never worked with my kids either. :)

[Pool Hall Ace]

49. "Put your dick away!"

Even though my dog was neutered as a pup, there are certain times of the month when he becomes very amorous.

When I get fed up, I shout, "Put your dick away!" Whenever my late mother would hear me, she would launch into song: "Put your diiiick awaaaay . . . for another day!"

Unfortunately, I don't know what the real song is. :(

[EFerrari]

66. If you find the lyrics, I'm sure thare are at least several DUers

that need them.

That made me hurt. lol

[calimary]

77. That pope picture made me hurt!

:rofl:

Hell, this whole thread hurts.

[Pool Hall Ace]

90. Yeah, the first time I saw that Bush / pope picture,

I just about collapsed on the floor and lost my bladder control! :rofl:

[calimary]

107. I saw that one last night for the first time. And I'm STILL laughing tonight.

My husband wanted to know why I was making so much noise. I showed him and he started laughing out loud, too. But then again, he often does that when confronting us Catholics...

:headbang:

[wickerwoman]

51. "Stop molesting the light fixtures!"

We just moved into a new apartment this weekend. There's a wall lamp over the TV just out of pouncing range and my boy cat will sit there staring and crying and trying to swipe it.

The girl cat has a clothesrack fetish. She was really, really freaked out by the move until I unpacked the clothesrack and you could just see it click in her brain that this was home now. She came out from behind the sofa for the first time in two days and started rubbing everything to mark it.

[SoyCat]

53. Well, it's not a holiday stress-related thing but I've told my cat and other cats/dogs "Bless you"

when they've sneezed. It's gotten me some strange looks from humans when I've said it to strangers (by strangers, I mean pets I don't know) in public.

[EFerrari]

69. I wish you could sit for my puppy. Because I could trust her to you.

:)

[SoyCat]

85. I am extremely flattered. And, if I wasn't in FL, I'd do it.

[CC]

54. I refuse to let the season

or people stress my pets. I will tell hyper, stressed people to stay away. I will go to them to listen but do not mess with the pets. It has worked and helped me to stay a lot less stress and enjoy the season instead.

[S n o w b a l l]

55. Mostly....

YOU are on punishment! Don't look at me or talk to me!

[MountainLaurel]

57. "The Christmas tree is not a water dish!"

The cat and the dog have been slurping water out of that thing since we put it up.

[Kajsa]

59. ROFL !

I'm not the only one!

My cats drink water from the tree dish, exclusively.

What is up with that?

:shrug:

[astral]

61. Don't you know it!

If there's water ANYWHERE but the water dish, that's the better water! Even the stuff that collects on the lid of the plastic tub on the deck. Even tho it's clean springwater changed every other day.

I have lotsa dumb things I say to my cat.
Morning it's "good morning, Purrrrrty Kittty!"
"You think it's time to feed the cat?? Is that what you think?"

My kitty song "You're Too Sweet for Me, Purrrty Kiiiiii----tty!" which goes on and on like that with me marching about the house cradling him in my arms. I do it almost every day. I need to make it a long enough song or he'll make me do it again.

"Watch out for the cat!" when I almost step on him as he loves to throw himself on the floor right in front of where I am walking to.

When he makes that 'hairball's coming!' sound, I say, "barfy kitty! Out with the Cat!!" And I run to open the door and he hurries outside to barf. This works when I am home and awake but other times I find the hairball with my bare -and barely awake- foot.

"Do you wanna be a lapcat?" when he's bugging me to get on my lap, pretty much any time I sit down. He's learned sometimes I need some space and ignnore him. He's also learned to actually speak to me frequently now, when I'm not being how he wants me to be. It's so cute because he never used to hardly make a sound, it requires me to drop what I'm doing and pick him up and snuggle him . . . so he's got me pretty well trained . . .

When I'm annoyed with something he just did (which is pretty rarely) I just say "Cat!" and he immediately knows this is not good and he either departs the room or looks at me like "What the he!! did I do THIS time?"

One of the cutest things about him is he's learned when I pick him up to be totally limp and relaxed and if I'm removing him from my lap he's kind of a 'limp lap cat' in my arms til I lay him down elsewhere without disturbing his relaxed mood.

Oh, and he knows when I say "you want some catnip for the cat?" which I don't do TOO often, but he gets about a teaspoon of real catnip to goof around with on the rug and gets pretty happy about the occasion just hearing the words.

I really think an animal who's been around awhile hears and knows most of what humans say, actually.

[EFerrari]

63. Of course!

:rofl:

[unsavedtrash]

60. "Truman please get out of the toilet."

"Gracie if you fart one more time, I'm putting you out."

[EFerrari]

64. Now, see, if you smoked, you'd never notice.

One of my cats is Hoover. "Mr. President, would you PLEASE just STOP!"

LOL

[badgerpup]

62. Several entries here...

Riktor indicates he wants in/out. I open door, then he stands there reconsidering the options.
:dilemma:
ME: "I'm going to count to three. One...two...OK, you don't want in/out." Door starts to close...at which point you can SEE the thought bubble "Whoa, she's NOT kidding!" and there's a very fast-moving kitty.
A variation on this is "Get your furry little butt in here!" but this usually involves distance and summoning.

Riktor also enjoys sitting on the car when it's chilly...the car is dark and so absorbs heat and keeps his paws and tushy warm. Sometimes though, I have to USE the car and convincing him to get off and STAY off probably entertains my neighbors...
:rofl:
"NO! YOU MAY NOT GO STREET SURFING! GET DOWN NOW!!


You are all familiar with this one...I think it's against the laws of physics, or robotics, or nature or something for humans to go to into the bathroom without at least ONE four-legged escort.
"Get outta my pants, ya little shit!"
'nuff said.

[EFerrari]

65. "Get outta my pants, ya little sh!t"

:rofl:

[EFerrari]

70. I think I have to fall over for the night but will be back.

Let's make the entry deadline 5 pm EST on Sunday.

"Get outta my pants, you . . ."

:rofl:

[chknltl]

71. My dog is the best dog in the WHOOOOOLE house!

She knows this because I tell her this often.
She is also the ONLY dog in the house...but I prefer not to quibble over such details.
Did I mention that she is also the prettiest dog in the whoooooole house ...and she knows that too.

[some guy]

72. dammit, I don't bite YOU

one of my kitties is a biter, has been for eightteen years, and I still don't know why.

[Heidi]

75. "Thank you for the mousey-mouse!

Can you show me where you put its head?"

[Skittles]

78. "YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A COUPLE OF ANIMALS!!!"

screamed at these two, who were fighting at the time:

[Heidi]

79. Wow! They're both so pretty, Skittles.

Do they "play" fight, or is it "for reals" fighting? :hi:

[Skittles]

80. it's play fighting, but sometimes it gets a bit rough (audible)

the main problem is that Clancy, left, is 8 years old and doesn't like to play as LONG as does Riff Raff, right, who is under 2. :D

[LaurenG]

81. I have two cats

One of them is a talker, she believes I must do as she says. Every morning she tries to herd me back to the bedroom so that she can lay on my lap and every morning I tell her "you are not the boss of me".

This is her reaction.

[Callalily]

83. A bit aloof?

Ahhhh . . . that's her charm. What a lovely kitty. Oh just give in and take a little nap with her and be sure to give her lots of kitty massages Our furry friends deserve the best.

[Skittles]

105. lol I yell the same thing to my cats

when they refuse to get off the bed while I'm trying to make it - I say YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! and push 'em off the bed :D

[livvy]

84. Some familiar stuff here.

Instead of "excuse me", I usually say "cusa". I have no idea where it came from. In moments of emergency I revert to a loud, "give way".

I have one dog who has learned to nose the keyboard shelf closed (in fact he just did it) and then stand in front of it so it's impossible to open again. I have to end up standing up to move him. I always tell him "to get out of my space. This is mum-ma's space, not yours". He will then sit next to me and has the habit of sticking his nose under my boob, and then flipping it. "We" call it boobing, and it is not an approved behavior.

I have long sets of directions for the dogs. "If you cannot sit in the chair without growling at the other dogs when they walk by, you may not sit in the chair. Do I make myself clear?" or "You have to make up your mind. In or out? I am not some damn doorman. Ok, that's it. You've made your choice. Now give way, I'm closing the door." "Leave the kitty alone. The kitty does not want to play. You get too much slobber on him, and he doesn't like it." "Don't make me call the Leader Dog School."

The Dog Whisperer would not be impressed.

The neighbors must think I'm certifiable, as they hear such choice conversations as:
"Ok, that will do. No two on one. Dottie, go find something else to do. This is Maia and Roufous's game. Alex, go get that stick and put it over on the pile. No, don't eat it. Put it on the pile. No, Dottie, eating that poop is not what I meant by finding something else to do. Maia, get off of me, this was a clean shirt. Oh, man, now look at it. Roufous, give me the pooper-scooper before Dottie eats that mess. No, this is not a game....I don't want to chase you. Just let me have the scooper."

on edit: I forgot to mention, your new puppy is adorable! Also some very funny posts here. Gotta' love our furpals.

[EFerrari]

89. My neighbors are probably placing bets on my sanity, too.

"Don't make me go all Peg Bundy on your hairy rear!"

lol

:)

[Corgigal]

86. I did something silly yesterday

I was looking for my keys and asked my corgi dog, Baron did you see my keys? Then I thought, wouldn't it have been something if he answered me. He just looked at me as if I lost my mind. I guess I did.

[sarge43]

87. You only lose your mind when Baron answers, "Yes." n/r

[bridgit]

88. Now gather round my dearies, while I tell you all about the humans here...

[WritingIsMyReligion]

91. "Stop humping your sister!"

Cat incest from a neutered guy.

:crazy:

[LuLu550]

92. "No, you can't post on DU!"

One of mini-schnauzers likes to paw the keys when I am online. :bounce:

Even put up a post about it last week.

[peekaloo]

93. Don't chew that cord kittie, don'cha know it will shock you!

[Redstone]

94. "Hey, Casey, come help me put the chicken to bed."

Not just during the holidays; it's a nightly chore.

Redstone

[EFerrari]

103. I hope you're compensating Casey for chicken duty.

lol

[judaspriestess]

95. I have a song too

It was song I made up for my beloved Kittyboy who has since passed. Its really stupid so prepare yourselves.

Biscuits, biscuits for sale
Biscuits, biscuits for sale
I knead the dough
and pack it real tight for you
and guess WHAT?
I take food stamps too

repeat

I can't believe I just revealed my silly song. :)

[NV Whino]

96. This is not just holiday season stuff.

Upon hearing a noise in the other part of the house: Whatever you're doing, stop!

Good kitty. Brave hunter, but take it back outside. (Fill in the blank) belong in the great outdoors.

Not on the rug!

GraaaaySON! Don't eat other people's food! (Referring, of course, to the other cats' food.

And to repeat other's statement: In or out. Make up your mind.

[EFerrari]

98. We need a good poll maker to take this data and turn it into

a poll.

Unless you all want to use a show of hands. :)

[Schema Thing]

102. I once winked at a dog

It was this huge, bored looking thing, sitting in the passenger side of a car I parked beside. I got out, we looked at each other, and I winked. It wasn't until I was in the 7-11 that it hit me "oh shit, lol, you just winked at a dog".

[ironflange]

104. I had a Sheltie once, named Chickadee

We got her because they were supposed to be really smart, but there was something wrong with this one, because she was as dumb as a sack of hammers. She was beautiful though, a blue merle, and we still loved her a lot.

Anyway, when it came time for her to go outside before bedtime, for some reason we had to talk her through it. She'd step out the door, then stop and look at me. "Go down the stairs!" She turned and slowly thumped down the deck stairs, stop at the bottom and look at me again. "Keep going!" with hand gestures, by this time I had to come out on the deck. OK, she goes onto the lawn, stops and, yes, looks at me. "GO PIDDLE!" She walks in a little circle, looks at me. "GO PIDDLE!!" Circle, look. "GO PIDDLE!!! GO PIDDLE!!!11!!" This was said usually between two and five times. Finally, up comes the tail and she squats, well, sort of, she walked in those little circles whilst piddling so she left a trail, the better to kill more grass. Last step was "OK, come on in," and she'd zoom up the stairs and into the house. What a pain. It did provide some entertainment value, some people were impressed that she would pee on command.

Sorry, I don't have a digitized pic handy, but this one is a dead ringer, our pooch was a little stockier. Chicka had one brown eye, and one that was half brown and half blue. Very pretty doggie, I still miss her. She died of kidney failure at an early age, eleven.