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Is this you? Have you ever begun a sentence with that phrase? If so, are you delusional?
This is half rant, half advice, but let me preface by saying I have a child. She is seventeen. I think the world of her. She's intelligent and wise for her age. She's graduating from high school a year early. She's received full scholarship offers (room and board) from several different colleges. She's been recruited by Ivy League universities, again with offers of scholarships. She's not pregnant. She's never been arrested. She's a good kid.
And I would never, ever, not for any reason ever say, "My child would never ..."
I know my child has drunk alcohol. I know she's smoked illicit substances. I suspect she's done other things of which I'm not aware. I also know she's seen porn. Do I approve of this? For the most part, no, I don't. I also know I can't stop it, and I know the only way I will have my opinion of her activities heard and considered is not to condemn her outright but to listen and then offer that opinion, which I do. Whether she abides by that opinion is another matter, not something I can control, but I will by reference repeat that she's a good kid for all the reasons stated above. I trust her, even in her mistakes, to make good decisions eventually.
I work for a cable company. My job is primarily one of "problem solver." That leads in all kinds of directions, but one of them is billing. One thing our cable company offers as programming is adult-themed movies (okay, porn, but not really porn because I live in one of those states in which only "hard-R" movies are allowed, which is to say "cable porn"). These movies are expensive, about $12 each, which is a subject in and of itself since you can drive from where I am about two hours south and purchase "real" porn, and the total cost of the trip plus one porn movie would be about half what the typical "cable porn" viewer spends per month on these movies. At least once a week I have someone come to me asking/complaining about charges for these movies. The claim they didn't order them. In those cases in which the person asking/complaining is obviously telling the truth about their own viewing habits, the question of whether they have teenagers invariably results in an answer of "yes" with an addendum, but "My Child Would Never ..."
So here's a clue. Yes, Your Child Would. Yes, Your Child Does. Fourteen year old boy who knows the default PIN code that you haven't bothered to change despite repeated attempts by employees of our company to suggest you do? Yeah, he ordered it. Yeah, he watched it. He did other things while he watched it. Girls are not immune. Don't ever even attempt to say, "But my child is a girl, she Would Never ..." Yes She Would.
Those who complain and demand "My Child Would Never" are also dominantly ultra-Christians. I know this because they tell me, not because I assume. "My child has been raised in a house of God, and 'My Child Would Never...'"
If you ever find yourself on the verge of saying this, stop. Think. Consider. You're wrong.
Now, having said all that, I will note that I have discovered instances in which the billing was wrong. The way these cable boxes work involves a periodic "polling" of the box to determine if PPV movies have been ordered and charges for them being added to a customer account. Some people have figured out how to order a movie, avoid being polled, and when they return their box, that box has stored a number of purchases that then are not cleared by the equipment warehouse. When the box is reissued, polling takes places, and a customer who never ordered a thing gets charged. Here's another hint. This is easy to see for a billing rep with any level of experience at all. I can tell you the day and time the movie was ordered, and I can tell you the day and time you started using the box. When the time of the purchase is prior to the time you were issued the box, the obvious conclusion is that the previous renter of that box rented the movies. I can also tell when someone goes on a wild chase and doesn't have a clue what it is they are really doing, or is just on a wild porn binge one night, such as when half a dozen (or more) of these movies are ordered all at once. Perhaps that was done intentionally by someone with too much time (ahem) on their hands. Perhaps not. Regardless, I'll credit those charges ... once ... without any further questions. I once credited an account for $700 worth of these movies because he a) seemed genuinely confused about the charges, b) admitted his kid might have done it, c) he allowed me to block access to these movies, and d) I willingly give credit to admitted mistakes.
That box been in your house six months? You have a teenage (or near teenage) child? You refuse to allow them to be blocked? Those movies all ordered from one box either when you weren't home or after your normal bedtime, which you already told me about even thought I didn't ask, as though that were "proof" that the movies weren't ordered? You start the discussion by screaming at me about cheating you? Don't even try it. Your Child Would.
And your child would drink and would smoke and do other drugs and would steal and would paint that obscene slogan on the side of the school gym. Stop being delusional.
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