I don't want to open any presents from my kid

[MissMillie]

he's been downright disrespectful, lazy and pretty much good-for-nothing for the past 5 months

He got a scholarship for college, which I'm pretty sure he just lost because he skipped so many classes that he didn't make grade

He's gained at least 25 lbs this year due to inactivity. I personally don't care about the weight, but I do care about the inactivity.

He's started smoking.

He eats nothing but crap and never gets enough sleep.

He saw the doctor for depression and she gave him some meds, but he never took them. He also never went for follow-up appointments.

He's pretty much pissed his way through a hefty inheritance. It would have been a terrific downpayment on a house (I mean, like 33% down).

He had "WANGMASTER" tattooed on his back.

Every thing I ask for him to do around the house only gets done if I nag him about it. This despite the fact that whenever he asks me for something, I'm usually accomodating.

I've tried talking to him, but it's like talking to a brick wall.

I got so angry at him this morning. I had asked him to get to bed early so he could get up and help me (mostly to pick up all the shit he leaves laying around the house), but of course, he was up until all hours and then he slept until 11 a.m.

I know he bought me some diamond earrings (one of those things he left laying around the house, so of course I found them). I don't want them. I don't get how I'm supposed to turn my back on all the stupid, insensitive and hurtful ways he treats me all year, and then let him "make it all better" with a fancy Christmas present.

We're doing presents w/ him, his girlfriend and his friends tomorrow night. I told him to save himself the embarrassment and not even give anything to me to open, because I won't open it, and I'll let everyone know why.

He's 19, and "an adult" but honestly, I'm not sure I've ever known him to behave this immaturely, this stupidly, or this insensitively.

This probably won't get through to him, but I don't know any other way to express my displeasure.

How the hell does anyone survive being the parent of a 19 year old boy?

[Maddy McCall]

1. Don't do that.

Really. Do NOT turn away a gift from your son.

I was worthless when I was his age, too. All I cared about was my boyfriend and going out and drinking with my buddies. I grew through it. Your son will, too.

Really, except for the wangmaster tattoo (tell me that you were joking about that. Is it a BIG tattoo?), he sounds like a lot of teens.

Do I remember correctly that he had some huge achievements in high school?

Please don't turn away his gift. Do what you need to do any other day of the year, but on Christmas, accept his gift graciously and try to enjoy the night.

Like I said, I was a terrible at 19. I remember my folks griping at me a lot, but if my mother had turned away a present I bought her to make a point, I don't think I'd easily get over that. If she had done something like that, I'd probably still hold a kernel of resentment over it.

[MissMillie]

2. not kidding about the tattoo

across his back, letters are 1.5 to 2 inches high

[Deja Q]

16. I agree. (and see what the presents are first)

When I was that age, I was very depressed, lost, and not sure where I wanted to go in life. (My parents had other plans and they were right at the time...) But I was always thoughtful about presents; I may be a mixed up weirdo in this life, but for my loved ones I've always put thought behind gifts. I don't know the OP's situation, but it might be the same for the son.)

I'm 34 and still make a mess and it's not easy to organize; mine's been a lifelong problem, however and to this day I envy those who can see a messy desk and take 2 seconds to put things in a neat organized pile. Is the messiness aspect a long running issue or is it a comparatively recent change?

I didn't have any tattoos, and even if he's talking about computers there's something not quite right about the tattoo. I hope it's not a gang symbol. :scared:

If I were the OP, I'd confront the son. Not about "are you using illegal drugs", but to gently talk about the situation and say there would be no recriminations. Get the kid to open up. Is he lost, rebellious, really a jerk or just misunderstood and unsure? (save the "are you doing drugs" question for later; like Darlene Connor, I never did drugs but got asked sternly because I was so introverted and dark in nature...)

[MoseyWalker]

3. I have one of those 19 year olds

and I question it too sometimes. my way is to have a little talk, hope a word or two sinks in, and go with the flow. I was 19 once too!

good luck, and try not to let it get to you.

[Wapsie B]

26. I do too.

Sounds a lot like my 19 y/o.

[auntAgonist]

4. I agree with Maddy on this, MsMillie

:hug:

aA

[JVS]

5. Wangmaster! Classic!

Open the present. Christmas is no time to make a big uncomfortable scene about how you don't like what he's doing with his life. You can always express your displeasure at some other time and place. Talk to him later in the week

[Porcupine]

6. Well it looks like you have a busy new years.

Let Christmas alone. Open the presents, have a nice dinner and try to be as pleasant as possible. Let yourself have Christmas.

On December 26th. make some changes. Turn off the TV, throw all his junk into his room or toss whatever you don't like. It's your house.

[some guy]

7. I'm sorry

for your troubles. :hug:

Two things:

1. why do you assume he bought you diamond earrings, just because you saw them? They may be for his girlfriend.

2. it's a pity you already told him not to give you gifts to open. I don't see how that can be at all helpful in any sense.

I don't really have any advice, just keep in mind he is your son, and somewhere inside you, you love him, even if you don't particularly like him lately. Hold on to the love, he will likely grow out of this stage, but if you destroy the love, you won't be able to regrow it.

:hug:

[Skittles]

8. OK MissMillie?

don't even THINK about not opening his presents - that would be cruel ans it would be the kind of thing he would remember all his life.....whatever needs to be done can wait until after this week - I think your boy needs to talk to a counselor, and soon. He needs to talk about whatever is really, truly bothering him. Does he have anyone in the family he will confide in? Sometimes children just don't want to open up to their parents.

[BensMom]

9. Better

I am sure you know it's better than several alternatives.
It's a pain - but way better.

[calimary]

10. "Wangmaster"? OMG!

Be strong, my friend. But maybe try to open the present anyway.

Hell, I don't know, my boy's only 14. God help me...

[Blue-Jay]

11. Are you trying to further alienate yourself from him?

Kids sometimes do stupid, disrespectful shit ("wangmaster", wtf?), but at the very least try to enjoy the holiday and bond with him a little bit. If he gets you a present and you don't open it, he's going to think that you're the worst bitch in the world. I'd be inclined to agree with that assessment.

[LaurenG]

12. Oh I'm so sorry

I had a similar son. He was tattooed and pierced and totally into himself as well at that age. I actually paid first/last and deposit for an apartment for him just so I could get some peace.

I didn't see him for weeks at a time while he did whatever he did and then one day something changed and my son was back. He just went through some interesting events and then he was done and responsible again.

Open his gift and tell him what you need from him another day. This won't last forever even if it seems like it.:hug:

[retread]

13. Some Christmas in the future he will be embarrassed when his behavior as

a 19 year old is brought up. I still am and it was a llllong time ago I was 19. It is a miracle a lot of 19 year olds make it to their 20's.
I would have to resist the urge to call him Wangmaster from now on.

[Callalily]

14. Awww . . . MissMillie

Your son received a scholarship for college? That means he's got some smarts. College is quite a transition, and some people just take longer to acclimate themselves to the grown up world. And in this new world he may have realized that there are others far brighter than he is, and some people have a hard time with that.

I know it's difficult, but you're going to have to let him find himself.

In the meantime enjoy him for who he is now and look forward to what he will become.

<<<<< for you and good luck.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

15. Like everyone said , don't do that :

Speaking from personal experience. I think what you kid is going through is something called " burned out ". He is burned out from school and plus he already went to the doctor for depression - someone should really try to get him to take his meds. He sounds a bit like I was at the age of 19 - I hated that age. I was depressed with no inspiration - I did things disregarding how it would really affect me and others around me. I did not want to do anything - I did not go anywhere. I needed a fresh start.Only thing that differs from me and your kids is that you still have your kid in your life, I was cut off on my own - no one wanted to have anything to do with me.

And honestly if you treat your kid like crap on Christmas its only going to make things worse.It could push him further away and make him do crazier things. He is already treated for depression , this is something that he would never get over. I know that you are a parent and you are sick of it -but your child is hurting inside,he might not show it. All he does is sleep during the day and is up all night - same thing I did. Its an escape. He is up when everyone is asleep to get his peace and he is sleep when everyone is awake to avoid his reality. The best thing you can do is let the beef you have with go and get him to his doctor ASAP. The quicker he gets balanced out the better so that he won't waste his education and his youth. Trust me. I wish someone would have done the same for me.

[QMPMom]

17. Don't do it unless you want him to resent you for the rest of his

life. My biological-so-called-mother did something similar and it still cuts me to the bone 35 years later. It has caused me to doubt myself and be afraid most every time I give a gift to someone.

[lizziegrace]

18. Millie

:hug:

You're hurting so much. I hope, as the others have said, that it will pass. As hard as it is, being consistent and as unconditional as you can be with him may help him get back on track faster. As parents, we're the constant in our kids' lives. It won't always be this bad.

:hug:

and another :hug:

Hang in there.

[Blue Diadem]

19. MissMillie, many things will be forgotten through the years,

his behavior from being not quite an adult will be one of them. He will however, always remember the year you didn't open his gifts. So please reconsider it.

I'm so glad my sons are now past the age of what I refer to as "the age of stupidity". It's not easy being the parent when they're an adult and you can no longer ground their ass. (sorry, I had a brief flashback to my oldest son's years from 18-20)

All I can offer is a :hug:

Keep encouraging him to do the right thing and better himself. For us, it took tossing our oldest out of the nest before he realized he needed to get his life in order and act like an adult. He's 32 now, a father of two and married 9 yrs.

[xmas74]

20. Don't do it.

But I'd be awfully tempted to ask for the receipt.You'll have to return those soon because in about a year he'll want "Wangmaster" removed!

(Don't ask for the receipt. I'm just thinking way too far ahead of myself.)


I was worthless as a teen. Only difference is the tat (no "wangmaster", parents didn't find out about any of mine until I was out of the house) and my parents wanted me to gain weight. I ran around all night, hung out w/ worthless men in bands (I had a "thing" about guitar players) who all eventually have spent time in our penal system, etc.

Most of it is a phase but as an adult I can understand the money business. At that age I would have been very careful (unless, of course, my idiot boyfriend said he needed it for "supplies").

[bicentennial_baby]

21. Just a question...no offense

Could you tell me exactly why he got "Wangmaster" tattooed on his back? Please?

[Dastard Stepchild]

22. I'm not a parent... but I was a 19 year-old...

He sounds like... a 19 year-old. I think I was MORE than a handful for my parents for the first 26 years of my life, but I'd like to think that I really shaped up in the past five years.

They were patient. It's not to say that there were not times when they (or you!) should not be concerned about their child's behavior, but I can think of no other age range (15-25) in which humans are not at their most exasperating. In fact, I had the opportunity to do some clinical counseling work with young women aged 14-21 last year, and what an eye-opening experience. We're all such a piece of work during that time.

I do hope that you'll all be able to have a very enjoyable holiday. Open the gift and say thanks. I think you'll be thankful that you did.

[hijinx87]

23. bite your tongue.

and be a good parent. be supportive, be kind, and be generous.

there is no point in trying to come to a conclusion on a 19 year old.

[sasquatch]

24. I'll be your surrogate son if you post in this link I provide!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=5982508&mesg_id=5982508
:hi::pals:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

25. Declare a Christmas truce

He will never forgive you if you embarrass him in front of his girlfriend and company, and they will think you're terrible.

Then, on December 26, set up a new regime. Tough love. You don't do a damn thing for him till he starts getting his act together. He gets no money. He doesn't get his laundry done. You're not going to enable his lying around the house all day. You do zilch for him until he gets some counseling and starts taking his meds.

[MichiganVote]

27. Well the way I see it...

the money is almost gone, it was his to do with what he liked. So he did what he liked. You're surprised? Nineteen is not thirty. What he ain't gonna like is the fact that its gone. His plan will be to come to you. THAT is the time to refuse. You taught him better manner and are disappointed he is not using them. Did I mention he's nineteen? So he wants to stop the world and get off. Screw up a scholarship, spend all kinds of money, act irresponsibly but talk depression instead.....

Are you worried?

Then tell him how you feel. But until the last drop of money, pride, or personal deception is gone....don't expect much. He's nineteen. This too shall pass.

[Capn Sunshine]

28. Your kid has many of the symptoms of clinical depression

better get him to a different doc pronto.

[silverlib]

29. Merry Christmas Miss Millie

I'm on my third teenager.

Remember, even the English and German military played soccer one Christmas Eve during a World War.

If they could put aside their differences, as well as their guns, I know you can too. You are a fine person and someday this will be reflected in your son.

It ain't easy, but unconditional love never is. And hopefully it won't be too long before you laugh with him.

My oldest, now thirty-six, and I laugh about when I paid her to leave home. I did it lovingly, but was quite serious that if we lived together much longer that it would not be pretty. You don't have to accept his behavior, but he never should have any reason to doubt your love. Your respect, he will have to earn and it may take him a while. Just give him love and lots of room, even somewhere else if that is what it takes. But right now, he is home for Christmas, and it sounds like a memorable one at that.

Peace to you both!

[SeattleGirl]

30. MissMillie, please don't do that.

I understand very well how difficult being a parent of a 19 year old is. When my daughter was 19 (and for a couple of years before and after that), she was a handful. No tat, but she pierced her tongue. Would only wear over sized clothes from the Army Navy surplus store. Her step dad and I had to plant our boots firmly in her behind her senior year of high school, to make sure she graduated (and she is one smart young woman). She lied alot, etc. Sometimes I wanted to tear my hair out (and hers, for that matter). However, she has turned out to be a wonderful young woman, with really no trace of that 19 year old left in her.

But given that I was no angel at 19, I took a cue from how my mother was when I was 19. Yeah, she could be tough, but she had to be. But I never ever felt she didn't love me (though we sometimes didn't like each other very much!).

Try to put your anger on the back burner tomorrow. Accept the gift (if he really was a turd, he wouldn't have gotten you anything). Then talk to him later in the week. And I also support the idea of tough love. Believe me, sometimes that's the only thing that can get through to a kid.

Have a good Christmas, MissMillie. Remember, you have lots of friends and lots of support here, and that this is a great place to blow off some steam without it going sideways.

:hug: