I am worried about my brother.

[idgiehkt]

I just don't understand. He makes $40,000 or so before taxes. He got married a year or so ago...his wife won't work. She once held a job for a few months and then got laid off. She's 27 and able bodied and could do just about anything. The thing is, that since he's been with her he has been barely hanging on, having cable and telephone turned off and stuff. She just doesn't seem to try to do anything at all to help the situation. She went out and bought herself a new mustang that he makes the payments on. She thinks it's okay because she gave him her old beater to drive. I just saw them and things have apparently gotten worse; he has lost a lens to his glasses but they have no money to get his lens repaired and he can't see and my mom is afraid he is going to lose his job because of it. He has an ear infection but he can't go to the doctor because he can't afford a co-pay. I just don't understand it and I think it's ridiculous; my parents are mad about it, too. My other brother's wife is kind of like this but she knows how to lie and get all kinds of government aid, she's a master at that sort of thing. She also bought herself a new car when she married him. I just don't understand, because aren't both people supposed to contribute to the relationship? What am I missing here? My parents were going to give me money for x-mas and I told them to give it to him...they are really upset about this because they think if it keeps going on like this he will lose his house.

[graywarrior]

1. My cousin is married to a girl like that.

He ended up taking her to Debtors Anonymous because they went bankrupt twice and he makes about 70 G's per year. Still, even with DA, she's a handfull. It's a fucking disease.

[idgiehkt]

2. wow. 70 grand a year?

gosh. I honestly don't even think they have credit cards. I think they are frittering away the money on small items, just silly little stuff. But she is not acting like a 'wife' at all. I never thought that there would ever enter the picture someone who makes my other brother's wife, who even lied to a church to get a free daycare scholarship for their child, look like a saint. Man, what is up with these women. Sigh....

[graywarrior]

6. Yeah, what Seattlegirl said. She needs help...so does he.

[SeattleGirl]

3. This woman needs some serious help in he finance department.

And your brother needs some also. I believe in equality in marriage, but if one person is irresponsible with finances, the other one needs to take charge. Your brother is enabling this woman's behavior by continuing to pay for things.

I'm puzzled about something, though. If your SIL is not working, how did she manage to buy a car? I'm assuming your brother signed on the dotted line?

[idgiehkt]

5. it was on her credit

Apparently both of my brother's wives knew that as soon as they got married, what was his (credit) was theirs because they both got a shiny new red car (literally...scary, huh) right after their weddings. Yes, it was his income, because she didn't have one. If I buy a car, meaning, if I'm making payments, then, you know, I kind of want to drive that car. I don't get it. :shrug:

[BeFree]

4. Hoooo boy

I thought I had it bad...

'Course I moved far away. That solved that.

[idgiehkt]

7. I can't figure this out.

I used to buy books alot and when I'd get really broke, I'd pack my books up and head down to the used book store and sell them. I know they must have tons of stuff they could sell on e-bay. This is a very, very, good job he has, and risking losing it because he has a lens missing in his glasses is totally stupid.

What is completely insane is before this he had his best friend living there for years who never paid rent. But they had that cable with like 900 channels and a huge television and high-speed internet and all that. And they never got anything turned off. And my parents used to always gripe about this guy, because in truth he was freeloading off my brother. But this is worse, because they are completely, totally broke. I mean, at least this time my brother is getting something for his trouble, so in that way it's better, but still. To top it off she does animal rescue, which is a generous thing, so they have massive vet bills and stuff, but she takes in the animals and he pays the bills. I know the animals are benefitting, but...honestly, I should have titled this "I'm worried about my father" because this is literally eating my dad up, it has been since he found out she got laid off, he's been in a horrible mood for about three weeks.

[BeFree]

8. Intervention time? n/t

[fortyfeetunder]

9. Financial Infidelity

That woman is having an affair with her spouse's money, and oblivious to the consequences.
Sorry to see that happen.
Hope your brother finds a way out of this.

[Guava Jelly]

10. Your brother is to good for this woman

People can be such self centered @$$holes

Oh
Merry Christmas Idg :)

[ForrestGump]

11. I was in a similar situation

The whole reason my finances ended up destroyed. My wife didn't work for the entirety of my time as a graduate student and you just can't support two people with what a grad student makes. Even when I won fellowships that paid better, it wasn't enough. When I made oodles of money off a TV gig, it evaporated. When I got a high-paying (relatively so, for my field) post overseas after I finished my PhD, it vanished with her fidelity. I am only now beginning to recover, fiscally, from the brink of financial oblivion (luckily had a relative's couch I lived on for a year when I got back to the US). She was able to work, no matter her claims to the contrary, but chose the free ride, as was her wont for much of her life up to that point. She also spent more extravagantly than me, by far. She did promise to work, at times -- this was something I'd bring up every now and then, and sometimes she'd get defensive and hostile but sometimes she'd admit the necessity of two incomes -- but she never did. For twelve years. I still owe obscene amounts in student loans, zero of which (as a grad student with tuition wavers and good external funding for most of my tenure) would have been necessary if she'd worked even part-time or if I'd been single.

It's almost eerie how closely what's happening to your brother parallels what happened to me. My wife's refusing to or failing to secure gainful employment once we left our jobs in California for the place where I started my PhD program was a source of constant stress. I could beg, plead, or yell and, ultimately, nothing I did could make her do what she needed to do.

I'm not enamored of money for its own sake but the unfortunate fact is that it is necessary to secure things in our society, including basic survival essentials such as shelter and food. Not having money is, as you and I and anyone who's been there knows, a source of major stress, and stress is Bad For Us. I resented, deeply, her not working. When I think about it, I still do resent the way she was for all those years. They say that money and sex are the two things that usually kill a marriage -- one or the other, or (as I was lucky enough to experience) both. If your sister-in-law is like my wife -- and, frankly, she sounds much worse than my wife was -- there's not likely to be a 'save' possible here. It's so extreme now that I doubt any change would be sufficient. And she is unlikely to change until the last cent's been sucked out of his accounts and wallet, and then she might just move on. She's exhibiting behavior so self-centered over a prolonged period -- and so extreme in its extremes -- that my prognosis would be that this marriage is over, or needs to be while he still has a roof over his head.

I hate to condemn any marriage, but -- though the players are different -- I've been in such a similar trap, and known others with stories along the same lines, that it's hard to hold out a lot of hope. The only hope is that she changes, immediately and profoundly. That rarely happens. He cannot -- as I could not -- force her to work, when it comes down to it.

I hate to tell anyone they should walk on a marriage, but I really think she has to go. At the very least, he perhaps needs to make it clear that he's seriously prepared to cut her loose unless she turns around and does so very quickly...a good way to do that is to present her with divorce papers.

[xchrom]

12. sorry to hear this --

relationships -- love -- are very, very difficult issues.

not only does she have a problem -- but he does as well.

it may be that he is ''addicted'' rather than in love -- and maybe a trip sex and love addicts annonymous is in order.

there many, many people in your brother's shoes -- i wish him well it's an EXCEEDINGLY difficult problem to over come.

i don't think giving him money is such a good idea -- but that's really none of my business.

[Deja Q]

13. Sad.

:(

I hope things work out for him. :hug:

[lildreamer316]

14. I don't understand women like this.

Disclaimer: I KNOW there are men who do it to women just as often; don't everyone jump my ass.

I was raised with a very strong work ethic; despite being an only child and spoiled for most of my young years; getting most of the clothes and toys I wanted; although not the really expensive name brand kinda thing; just good clothes if you know what I mean. This means that as I went to school and left the house; I knew when to splurge and when to conserve; and never lusted after the high end clothes or accessories or even the makeup. It took me until this age (33) to even start to get interested in MAC. I had one--count it, ONE--item of makeup that cost over $5 (my Chanel foundation). I don't even use a purse unless I have to; and I do love shoes; but will search down the best deal on them mercilessly until I can pay half of their original price.
In other words; I don't get this commercial obsession of some women's; the reason it drives them to bankrupt their husbands; and expect to be taken care of with no effort on their part. I feel guilty if I'm not contributing to the joint income in some way. I even used to work 2 jobs totaling a 70 hour week when I was in my mid-20s; because I was worried my fiance at the time would get mad if I quit one and the income fell. I thought this attitude was part of being a modern woman-you pull your own weight; show that you are able to stand on your own two feet. What were our foremothers fighting for if you aren't going to do so?
The only reason I don't work much now is that I am at home with our very young child; and I inherited houses and investments. Husband and I have an agreement about what we are each contributing; but some days it still bothers me that I am not actively adding to the total income.
These spouses who feel as if they are entitled to everything at the other person's expense; no matter what gender; are so patently obvious about their lack of care and love for their spouse they should be ashamed.
That's not love.

[speedoo]

15. I'm sorry to hear this.

It sounds to me like your brother really needs counseling. He seems prone to allowing people to take advantage of him financially. And this wife of his will certainly destroy him, IMO unless something changes.

I hope you can find a way to get him to divorce her ASAP. And even before that, he needs to take some measures to separate their finances pronto.

I really don't see any alternative, based on what you've posted here.

[Bunny]

16. My brother's ex-wife was the same way.

Would not get a job, just wanted to sit on her ass and be taken care of. I guess she thought she was entitled to it or something. Drove my brother to bankruptcy and foreclosure, and she hasn't changed a bit from what we hear. He's lucky to be rid of her.

[cwydro]

17. I knew a woman like that once.

Actually I was involved with her. I am so glad I escaped.

[SPKrazy]

18. Hey Idgie!

That does sound like he's married to a slug!

Having had a similar but not so dramatic experience myself, I'd say that he will probably have to figure out that he is in a bad spot.

My experience is as said similar, but not so dramatic. So, just love your bro, and support him and listen to him.

You can't really get in the middle of it or you will probably alienate him.

I agree with other though, she's got a problem, and likely what GoPsUx said is true too! He's too good for her.

;-)

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

19. I hate to say it, and I don't know him, her or you

but it sounds like drugs to me.

[Lex]

20. Well, if he loses everything, she'll leave him.

Bet on it.

People like this just move on to the next host, like a parasite.

[LeftyMom]

21. You can't fix him.

Just as people with addictions won't quit until they are ready, people who are driven by their other issues into bad relationships won't quit them until they're ready.

If you intervene, she'll just use you as a distraction from or scapegoat for their problems. Do not give her the opportunity to get him to circle the wagons, that us against the world mentality is powerful.

[bullwinkle428]

22. Wow...this story, along with several others in this thread, reminds me

of what I went through in my own marriage, which ended about 6 years ago. Working my ass off just to keep our heads above water, driving a car into the ground because I couldn't afford to buy a new one, in debt for years after the divorce trying to pay off everything that was owed. I also found out about a surprise debt of nearly $3000, some 3 years after the divorce when I was applying for a new mortgage loan! I may be cynical, but I don't see any kind of realistic chance that someone like this could change for the better...

[shanti]

23. your brother needs to grow a backbone

and put his foot down. it's NOT going to get better, but worse. marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. did they have an agreement that she wouldn't work after marriage or something?

[idgiehkt]

25. thanks everyone very much for the replies and feedback.

lol, shanti, she didn't work before the marriage. She never had a job the whole time he was with her before, or after until recently for a month or so.

The strange thing is, he doesn't seem to think there is a problem at all, and he worships the ground she walks on, just like my other brother does with his wife (and she orders him around like a slave). And they didn't learn this at home either because my mother is not like this, she is extremely passive and always put up with a bunch of garbage from my Dad. It mystifies me.

[Trajan]

24. I speak from extraordinary experience ...

of a similar situation ....

I worked for years, with my wife unwilling to work ....

To make this short : We had serious financial difficulties, and it all boiled down to ignorance and irresponsibility .... We were both unskilled in financial matters, and debts wracked up quickly, beyond our ability to pay .... After bankruptcy, we wised up (somewhat) and both contributed to the overall family income, and things were better for some time, but again: debts were incurred, and eventually reached the ceiling ... we had to crimp our spending, becoming 'house poor', and always straining against the needs and wants of the family ....

DAMN that was hard .....

I chalk it up to ignorance and immaturity ....