My Christmas Day - Wonderful and Awful, all rolled into one

[The Straight Story]

It was great to see my little girl's face light up, hear her laughter, and see that twinkle in her eyes.

My dad stopped by for 5 minutes to see what she got. My sister never called. My brother did.

My dad bought my sister's kids gifts, gave my daughter money a few weeks back.

You see, my brother and I are the 'black sheep' of the family. My sister goes to church, has money, 5 acres and a pond, homeschools her kids (as do I my daughter), and have been 'perfect' in dad's eyes.

My sister can do no wrong. My dad gives his old stuff he does not want to my brother-in-law and his boys, or their daughter. Guns, tools, mom's old pajamas. Before mom died she had bought a doll that was supposed to be for my daughter, my sister found it and gave it to her daughter.

On my birthday my in-laws were here from California. My dad came over, never wished me a happy birthday, and spent the whole time talking about my sister and her kids. Did not bring me a card or $20 like he/mom always did. Then turned around and bought my sister a nice video camera (and again, she has tons of money).

So I know this is my last Christmas here in Ohio. I am moving to be near wife's family soon. And I am never coming back to Ohio. Not for funerals or graduations. I am done.

When mom died, the family died with her. My brothers' kids? My dad never asks about them and only complains about them. His little grand-daughter next door he never bothers to call or see. But he will travel a half hour or more to see my niece ride a horse.

My in-laws - when my daughter is there, they do everything with her. And it is because they want to see her so bad that they are letting us move into a rental house they have there. Her grandpa there has helped her learn to ride a bike with no training wheels. He takes her on walks. They celebrate things as a family.

Mom died two years ago this December 31st. I lost my family that day as well.

That was never more evident than today.

Soon I will start my life over. And for the better. And a part of me will forever be gone when I cross the Ohio state line into Indiana en route to California.

I realize that I will never see some people in my family again. And the real sad thing is - I am not sure I really care anymore. With the exception of my brother and his Daughter Tiffany.

I had a good Christmas. But I also have come to realize I have had the last with the people I grew up with.

I came back to Ohio to be close to mom and find my boys. Mom is dead. My boys a mess and I had to kick out my son after not seeing him for ten years. It is time to start over.

So today I have hope - for a new and better life. And I am going for it.

I miss you mom, today more than ever.

(sorry, I just had to get this off my chest to someone....)

[Libby2]

1. I hope you find peace.

I lost my dad on New Year's day, I understand.

[The Straight Story]

6. Yeah, I am working on it

With the wife getting parkinson's diagnosis this year it has even been more difficult.

My fundie sister helps people all the time - IF they go to her church and get involved in the things she deems worthy. We don't.

So while my wife sits here ill and on meds needing help with the house. No one bothers to call and check on her or come to help out.

We are not part of the RW family clan - so we don't mean much. Unless they need computer help. Then they come a running to me.

Mom was the good person in the family - we all knew what we lost when she slipped away. My sister has used it all to her advantage (is on dad's checking account now as well). She keeps trying to get dad to sell the house (my brother lives out back in the garage now) - she wants him to take the money and build a big addition on to her house and he can live there. Of course, when he dies that would only benefit her.

What is a shame is that all these years I did not see all this. Until mom died. Now a lot of things are so much more clear....

[catmandu57]

2. Sometimes all one can do is cut the ties

No matter how much it hurts at the time. This has been a very hard time on families, i'm sorry to hear of your troubles, but it sounds like you have a solid plan, merry christmas and good luck.

[givemebackmycountry]

3. Merry Christmas to you TSS - Happy New Year as well...

Your thought provoking posts are always challenging to read but somehow I always feel better for it.
I wish you only the best of luck, health and happiness in 2007.

One of your many friends here at DU.

John

[Name removed]

4. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[MichiganVote]

5. It's ok. I booted a bunch of them out of my life over 15 years ago.

Looked back a few times but never went back. And believe it or not, there is life after dismal family relations. Go for it.

[Raine]

7. Hugs

I lost my mother two days after Christmas, I feel your pain. :hug:

[asjr]

8. Your DU family understands. Do what you have to

do. And it is not just for yourself--your daughter will gain another family. My eldest daughter has completely cut herself and her husband and children from her family. It has been 4 years since I have spoken to her. I still send her and the children birthday cards, mother's day cards, Christmas cards,etc. But nothing from her. At first I would call her. I would leave a message but never got called back. No one in the family understands it but I will continue sending the grandchildren cards. I never liked giving up on anything or anybody but came to the conclusion if she truly wants to reconnect she will do it in her own time. But I finally realized there is a time when you have to make a decision. My son and my youngest daughter live close by and I have other grandchildren I must think of. I refuse to be bitter--I have never in my life been able to hold a grudge (even though I have tried.) That line in Forrest Gump about life being like a box of chocolates has a lot of meaning. You will be fine.

[proud2BlibKansan]

9. Oh TSS, focus on the good things

My family has not been the same since my dad died. We get along okay but there is an emptiness. Now that my mom is gone, it is even emptier. Same thing with hubby's family.

You learn to move on. My sister said the other day that she sees it as starting a new chapter in life.

[Cleita]

10. It's so hard to lose someone you love over the holidays.

I lost my husband two years ago too.

:hug:

[roody]

11. Hooray for California. Hope you love it.

[CoffeeCat]

12. I'm sorry...and I relate...hugs to you

Merry Christmas SS. I am so sorry that your family (especially your dad and your sister) are
unable to be "real" like you are--and treat you as you deserve.

SS, I grew up in very similar family circumstances. My father's favorite was my sister. She's the
psychological twin to your sister. Right down to the money and the pond. I'm serious! My father
would step over me, to compliment my sister on her shoes.

My sister is also a religious, church-involved person. Her charity ends at the church door as well.
If she does good deeds, she needs to have acknowledgment from her peers and the community.

I understand how this stuff hurts. I sat through many dinners--feeling like second class and wondering
why I felt so bad. Usually, after a holiday in the dysfunction, I was depressed for weeks. My father
had big and small ways of making me feel inadequate.

It sounds like your mother kept the dysfunction in line. It sounds like she was a force of light and
goodness in your family. It sounds like your father and sister have made the decision to not learn from your
mother's goodness and sense of humanity. More importantly, it sounds like you have. You honor your mother
by recognizing that you deserve better than what your father and sister dish out.

SS--I made the decision to cut off my family four years ago. At first I felt guilty, but it didn't take
long for the peace and freedom to saturate my cells. No put downs. No passive-aggressive jokes at my
expense. I didn't have to feel bad when my father ignored my birthday and drove past my house to visit
my sister. All of it--all of the stuff they denied--was just gone. I was amazed at how much this junk
had burdened me for years. When it's gone, it's like a weight being lifted. Furthermore, when you
replace the bad with "good"--there is a compound effect. You'll smile more, laugh more and feel as if
you are free.

I've learned that family isn't always your 'family of origin'. When you free yourself from toxic people,
you crave healthy people who treat you well. You'll seek out friends, co-workers or other people who
are truly kind and compassionate--because you truly understand how important healthy relationships are.

We both have a great deal to be grateful for, SS. We both have daughters to raise and spouses who love
us dearly. That is precious. It's amazing. Protect your gifts. Don't allow toxic people into your
life--because they will destroy you--and they end up affecting those around you. Don't waste one more
second. I was supposed to play the "victim" role--while my father was the abuser and my sister was the "favorite".
I relinquished that role and freed myself. You can do it too.

Break free and move forward--knowing that you are not a black sheep. You never were. You were real.
Some people can't handle "real", so they play games, stir the pot and get off on putting others down.
My father and my sister were partners in crime. My sister was dependent on my father's approval and my
father loved how it hurt the rest of us. It sounds like your father/sister play the same sick game.
They're the black sheep. Not you. You're decent, kind and sensitive. In dysfunctional families, those
who are the "black sheep" or the "scapegoats" are the angels. They're the most emotionally honest
people in the family. They pay a heavy price for that honesty.

Don't allow yourself to be defined, controlled or upset by this mess any longer. Just break free
and live the rest of your life without these chains. I did it---and my life began when I stepped
out of the mess.

Merry Christmas, and the best of luck to you. I know next Christmas will be much better! :)

[The Straight Story]

13. Thank you for a wonderful and well thought out post

Makes me feel a little less alone in all this :)

[calimary]

26. So true! Remember that old saying: you don't pick your family.

You pick your FRIENDS.

[diamidue]

24. I was going to post something like this

but TwoSparkles said it WAY better than I could. Only thing I might add is that there is a book out there called "Don't Take it Personally" which deals with rejection and moving on. I found it helpful. Go where there is love and acceptance. You sound like a nice person.

I wish you well in CA.

[Kindigger]

30. Thank you Sparkles

"They're the black sheep. Not you. You're decent, kind and sensitive. In dysfunctional families, those
who are the "black sheep" or the "scapegoats" are the angels. They're the most emotionally honest
people in the family. They pay a heavy price for that honesty."


Mental note: Resist the temptation to send post to sister....

[WinkyDink]

14. {{{The Straight Story}}} Here's to your new life in California.

[Jane Austin]

15. We went through something like this a few years ago.

Now all my birth family has died except my mother and she has advanced Alzheimer's.

I am very lucky to have a wonderful, wonderful husband and a couple of good kids, so it's just been us these last few years.

Life is so unpredictable, but as much as I feel the loss of those times, I am grateful for what I do have.

It sounds like you are heading for a good life in California.

I just wish that the millions of people caught in wars right now could have some of the safety we enjoy every day.

[Raine]

16. An early Welcome to California

we can always use more good people like you here! :pals:

[tblue]

17. Is there a chance you could talk to him? Ask him why he seems to favor your

sister and her family over yours and your brother. He'll probably deny it. It's hard to be honest about that kind of thing sometimes, but it would be worth it to let him know how you're reading his actions. The worst he can do is say, 'You're right. I love your sister more.' But I doubt he'll say it. Sometimes we imagine things going on inside another person, and we think we have it all right, we take every action and assign it a cause. But we're usually wrong. Obviously, you have an entire history with your siblings and your parents that isn't included in your post, and only you know what's happened from your viewpoint. I just want to ask you not to assume you understand it from your dad's viewpoint. For all we know, he has things going on in his mind that you have no idea about. He's got his own history, his baggage, his relationship with his own parents, his own deepseated reasons for having whatever expectations of his children that are much more about him than they are about you. Give him the benefit of the doubt, just once before you write him off for good. Make certain that his actions mean he doesn't love you before you let your own personal fears and biases and assumptions permanently engrave what you imagine he thinks and feels on your soul. You could be way wrong. He may just be unable to show how much he loves you, his boys, the same way as he does his little girl. Some men just assume girls are weaker and more needy, regardless of any other circumstance.

I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would be to talk to your father heart-to-heart. One way to do it would be going for a walk together or having a beer together. It will be good for you, even if you don't get the response you want most. This is just a thought. At the very least, you won't go the rest of your life wondering if maybe you could have tried just one more thing.

I wish you the best, and peace of mind, soul and spirit.

[The Straight Story]

18. It has been this way for years

And dad would not think of having a beer with me :) beer is evil....

I know dad has felt guilt over the years as he did more with my sister and brother than he has with me.

My brother and I have both been divorced, my sister never has. My sister goes to church, my brother and I don't.

There are a hundred variables I can think of. I don't hunt, my brother-in-law does. My brother-in-law teaches Akido (I got him interested in it - go figure).

Dad respects my intelligence on some things, but wants me to live my life his way - which my sister does. When mom died - it was me who sent him email after email telling him how much he meant to me and what a great dad he was. But because I had money problems, I was bad. Because I drink beer, I am bad. I can do a million good things, but he will remember the negative things only.

He has always been that way with me and my brother.

When my brother kept getting promotion after promotion dad kept telling him 'they just wanted to give you a title so you would work harder' and then chastise him for not having a 'real' job like my brother-in-law (who works for the gas company digging lines and fixing gas leaks).

My brother was the boss for the entire plant at night (they made parts for Honda), over 100 people reported to him, but it was not a real job. I run a data center doing over a billion a day in business, but it is not a 'real' job.

You just cannot please some people :)

[Bluebear]

33. .

.

[shaniqua6392]

19. The holidays have a way of bringing out strong emotions.

I know how you are feeling. I just had two days of family over to my house. Wow. I can not even move right now. My alcoholic brother. My wonderful mother (except for the enabling of the alcoholic brother). She has been paying all of his bills for months now because he just can't seem to work. My step father. My step brother and his boyfriend. My step sister and her girlfriend. Yep. That's right. Oh and step dad has a hard time with the homosexual thing being raised Catholic and all! My daughter's boyfriend. His brother. His nephew who joined the Army against all family wishes and is now stationed in the prison at Guantanamo. He thinks he is GI Joe or something. I think that was the total guest list. My other brother does not talk to anyone because his wife does not want him around his own family. My mother's depression over this is palpable. What fun I had just watching everyone! But it was sure exhausting. Oh. One more thing. My German Shepherd puppy decided to come into heat four days before her spay surgery and was leaving trails of her womanhood all over the floor. Do you feel any better now? Family. Craziness. Please enjoy your new start in life. I am sure it would be something your mom would want for you. Peace and happiness to you and your wife. Merry Christmas!

[The Straight Story]

20. Always nice to have DUers here to put it all in perspective :)

Good to hear I am not alone in holiday hell ;) :rofl:

[silverojo]

21. I'm sorry to hear that your mother died

But I think you've made the right decision. You don't need to torment yourself by being around people who treat you badly. Not too many people would have the courage to do this. You have my support.

[SPKrazy]

22. Wow Straight Story, I'm Sorry!

I miss my Mom who died a year ago too.

She had become kind of the focus of attention in my family. Fortunately my only sister and I have bonded around a strange issue, bad marriages.

My poor Dad is the one I worry about in our family. I don't know what the future holds for us. My Dad is in his 70's but in pretty good health. He insists on living in a small town in the mountains in Colorado where he is isolated to a large degree.

Anyway, I'm really sorry for your losses. It sounds like your Mom was sort of glue in your family.

:hug: :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

23. Hi The Straight Story:

I found this thread to be comforting; it's by Redstone:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=5980186&mesg_id=5980186

I hope you can find some comfort in it also.

[TomInTib]

25. Crank it up and head West, man.

That's what I did (and for reasons quite parallel to yours).

And I never looked back.

If you get anywhere close to Marin County, let me know.
I'll be buying drinks and dinner,TSS.

Don't let that shit drag you down, rise above it. You know you can do it because you have already dealt with so much.

[graywarrior]

27. Took me 25 years to accept the fact my family will never be what I want them to be.

Same thing happened when my mother died in '76. What we all thought of eachother as a family, turned out to be an illusion. Alcoholism, denial, enabling, fear of intimacy, rivalry, jealousy, rage...it all spilled forth at the funeral. One year later, dad died.

Very rarely talk to my fundy sister. My brother disappears for years at a time. Few years ago, I just stopped. Realized I can't create something that never was.

You have your own family now. You know what to do. Sometimes you'll feel regret, but it will be a lie. I wish you the best happiness ever.

Thing about DU, it's kinda like AA. You show up and make friends, who in the outside world could be hated or mistrusted by others, but here we're more or less accepted because we come here for a common cause.

Hang in there.

[auntAgonist]

28. I can not imagine what this must be like for you ...

Your Mother must have been a very special soul. I wish you peace and much love. It sounds like you know where you're going. The road may be bumpy along the way but you have a 'new' family waiting for you at the end of your journey. I feel sorry for your family, they don't know the magnitude of their loss. Safe travels to you and yours as you make your way across the country.

:hug:

aA
kesha

[Kindigger]

29. Thank you for this thread

I've been lying on the couch all day pondering WTF happened at my family dinner on Saturday.

My 42 year old sister showed up from Ohio, with the latest of her long line of significant other/husbands. Ohio must be a really boring place. For someone to drive six hours to get their jollies at my expense, I should feel honored.

Every time I opened my mouth to talk to anyone, she would whisper something in his ear (she goes through them so fast, I never catch their names). Of course, she made sure everyone could hear one or two words; key words that would create contagious laughter throughout the room. No one knew why they were laughing; they just followed her lead.

I'm disabled, chronic unrelenting pain, and have lost 30 pounds in three months for some still undetermined reason. I was digging into a full plate of home cooked food (something I don't get very often). From the other end of the table I hear, "How can you eat all that on your meth diet?" I look up to find the whole room looking at me expectantly. Puzzled, I look around, and the whole room bursts into laughter. They don't even know WHY they're laughing, just following her lead. I go back to eating, and hear, "Check her teeth."

I'm now reminded of my perfect, beautiful teeth that were pulled last December due to medication side effects. I think, "WTF?" yank out my partial, and hold it out in her general direction. My mom tells me I'm disgusting and inappropriate. My sister leans toward her new squeeze, "I told you she was crazy." To his credit, he didn't laugh out loud.

This from a 40+ who walks in on a 50 degree day, wearing matching "Stay Puff Marshmallow Man" ski jackets. They looked new, but I hadn't seen anything like them in a store since the '80's. A 40+ wearing a too tight pair of low rise jeans, with her muffin belly hanging over the waistband.

Every year I expect things to be different. Every year its exactly the same. Maybe I AM crazy.

[mntleo2]

31. I MIss My Mom Too

...and I have a dysfunctional family as well. Dad still alive, but went back to drinking when he remarried a year to the day my mom was buried (after 42 years of marriage). The new wife turned out to be a raging alcoholic with a mean streak and wants everybody to call her "Ma" and him "Da" and pretend all is hunky-dory while spending Christmas watching her and him get falling down drunk ~ while insisting we drink along with her. No way! The sister whom he adores is the biggest pot dealer in her county and been through more husbands than all our family's women put together. To her and his wife and her sons, he gave the family property from my mother's side and for my other sister and I ~ nada. If we are the "black sheep" well I am glad we are such a thing! I would rather be that than some toady kissing up to a lie! I would rather be cleaning up messes than making them.

My Christmas today was wonderful. I am raising my grand-niece (the pothead sister's granddaughter whom she doesn't even know exists because she deserted and abused her daughter until the women has became mentally ill) and this was this little girl's first Christmas at 16 months old. We are very poor but she is the light in my life and, thanks to some generous people she had a Christmas that was full of love, good food, presents, relatives and friends who adore her, and well, she also has me. I am just now praying the State will not turn this child over to the father who is a "recovering" crack and meth addict and dealer. They (the State) are seriously considering it and probably will send her to live with him and his new girlfriend. I just decided that, for now, I will hold her close to me as long as I can and cry those tears when they come.

You know, I learned something out of all of it: I refuse to sell my soul to some self centered drunk or try to love my sister who is over 50 years old and still harboring ill feelings from fights we had when we were 5 years old. Why have that at Christmas dinner, when I can have real friends who love me for who I am and they make a real family. Even though I have been homeless with my own children, not because I wasn't working my butt off, but because I could not afford the rent, and still I would prefer my kids lived through that than have to give fake hugs to people who really could give a rat's ass about anybody but themselves. My kids who are almost grown could pass their grandfather on the street and they would not know who he is. In spite of all that, I love my dad still and it breaks my heart, but I refuse to sell my soul to him or my delusional and selfish sister, or his wife's fake world. My other sister is my hero and she is real, and her kids are also some of the best! To spend time with that part of the "family" would make ME sick to be around that crap and if I got sick, then what good would I be to anyone?

I am glad you are considering leaving that crap behind. It is a sign of your sanity and as someone else here said, THEY are the black sheep. Who cares how much money someone has, or how many times they go to church? Jesus said once that before you tell someone else what to do in their house, you need to clean your own house up first. Meaning that your sister and father know in their hearts they are ignoring the very thing they are supposed to be doing looking everywhere but where they should where right under their noses they ignore God's work that they should be doing. Get away from that hypocrisy and find some REAL people who will be a REAL family!

My 2 cents

Cat In Seattle

[crim son]

32. ...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Bluebear]

34. ''I run a data center doing over a billion a day in business''

From post 23 . . :wow:

[nicknameless]

35. Correction: #18