I feel I owe you all an apology - please accept

[The Straight Story]

Last night was a really hard night for me in many ways, and I just snapped. It was childish and silly.

I had posted a thread that I was leaving (for those not in the know). And I did so wrongly, and it was damned pig headed and silly.

I apologize.

The last year has been a hell I am not sure I will ever awaken from, yet slowly I am. I have new hope and dreams, but still some chains forged in the depression of my soul have dragged me down.

I was overly sensitive and childish. I guess I can get that way at times when things around me are swirling like a tornado. Shame on me for letting it happen.

The people on Du have been more of a family to me then my real family, and that is damned sad (no offense of course).

I feel like a caged animal at times here in Ohio, pacing back and forth and seeing the freedom I desire - only to be restrained by a cage made of steel - a cage created in my mind. Lacking the resources to cut through the bars, they got stronger. And like a lion I lashed out through the bars at those who most have tried to help me cut through them.

Yeah - we are just an internet board of like minded people on the surface. But my brain has mapped this location as a prime destination for outlet - a freedom experienced without the bars I built. A place where I can roam free and dream, and hope, and maybe make a difference.

Sometimes - I do damned stupid things when I am depressed. I held it all in during the holidays so my daughter would not see me crying over things. After she finally went to bed I just let it all out. And in a damned poor way.

I was wrong to do so.

I value my friends here, the ability to talk and discuss issues, to get things off my chest and listen to you do the same.

Last night I failed in that. And I am thankful to those of you who talked to me later and set me straight.

I lost my boys. Then found them, only to lose them again. My wife got ill. My mom's death has decimated a once close family. I came back to Ohio to be with family and my kids, and all that is gone now. And I have to move on from it. For 10 years I dreamed of holding my kids again, only to find they ended up worse then their mother was in some ways, and I mean nothing to them. And the rest of my family is pretty much the same way now. It as though my history was erased in one swoop.

And last night, I realized deep down how much that has affected me. All those pent up dreams and hopes I had are gone. And holding on to them was not helping me at all.

yes, it is time for me to go. But not from du. From Ohio. From this place with memories that haunt me like an evil spirit. I came back here and it was followed by death after death. And dream after dream withered away.

But through it all, I have had friends here. Whom I have let down. Friends who did not let me down.

I write things here a lot - more to myself then to you. I post that I may see myself. It is akin to me to writing poetry, letting out all that is bottled up inside and then looking at it - things I may not say, but these hands will gladly write so that the thoughts may escape the prison of my mind.

With each post, each reply, these hands dig a tunnel out of the Alcatraz I created in my head. And now freedom is set - and there lays before me yet a body of water to cross. And with no life boat I know I must now enter the icy water and swim to the shore where dreams await.

I was a dick. And let people here down. And that was wrong. Shame on me. But it would be a worse shame to let it slide and not live up to it.

Three boys lost. A daughter I have not seen in 5 years. Another one I feel I have let down. And all I ever wanted to do was make life good for those I cared about.

Growing up does not mean you lose your dreams, it means you put them into perspective. And you realize that not all things are in your control - and that can be scary.

So forgive me my friends for being a real jerk. I will try harder in the future not to be a dick. And I will try harder to be a better man.

[deepthought42]

1. *hugs*

:hug:

[shadowknows69]

2. I missed it completely

Were you a jerk to me? If so apology accepted. Glad you didn't leave.
SB-)

[EFerrari]

3. Goes with the territory. Last night I snapped over a pumpkin pie.

What pumpkin pie could be that important, I don't know.

:hug:

[Nickster]

35. Obviously you do not love pumpkin pie the way that I do! n/t

[rug]

39. I hope some bastard did not put whipped cream on it.

:mad:

[Trajan]

41. I would hope some bastard would not NOT put whipped cream on it ...

Trajan got a new mixer, and is now capable of making whipped cream hisself ....

That thing COULD be deadly, in a way ....

Watch out Punkin pies ! .... Im watchin you ...

[AlienAvatar]

45. Well, some bastard BETTER

put some whipped cream on MY pumpkin pie. Any other way is sacrilege.

[lildreamer316]

42. Eh; dear-

I've been watching and not commenting on your posts; butI know you've been through a hell of a lot this year too. Kudos to you for keeping yourself so "chipper" ; but you should not force it. I'm sure that's what came out last night.
Take a breather and play with that beautiful pup of yours. Screw the you-know-who and know that it will be all right in the new year.
It's certainly understandable that you had a blowout.
:hug: :hug:

[beam me up scottie]

4. Dude...

I missed whatever happened here last night but I hope the coming year will find you at peace, or at least making peace with everything that has happened.

[JeffR]

5. Don't know the specifics of what you're referring to

but it doesn't matter. I know what you've been through this year, and none of your many admirers here would find fault with you for succumbing sometimes to all the pressure and heartache.

[MuseRider]

9. I second that.

I am glad you did not leave. :hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

6. My second day of Christmas wish for you

is that 2007 may mark a new beginning in a new location with the potential for meeting people who will appreciate you. :hug:

[NMDemDist2]

7. I knew you'd be back

and I'm glad I was right

:hug:

[salin]

8. the Holidays, in particular, can be excruciatingly difficult

especially during difficult personal times. A community like DU is mostly elastic - we bounce back and recognize the need for others to do the same. There will always be some cynical folks who snip and snipe - some out of a sense, ironically, of trying to keep the community on an even keel (sorta 'net nannies' - not illintentioned, but not always the uniform voice of the community), and others who just enjoy sniping. The rest of us - we bounce back with each other.

May this coming year bring you much healing.

[derby378]

10. I must've missed that thread, but no problem

I can't imagine what you've been going through, but as far as I'm concerned, you're still okay in my book if I'm okay in yours.

:hug:

[HughBeaumont]

11. Ohio is like a prison to many.

Hold that head up and don't let anything get you down or talk you out of whatever it is you seek. It's no accident I get away from this place (Ohio) as often as I can. Let's hope we can all find a better life someday. Keeping dreams alive is a good thing.

[InvisibleTouch]

31. Another Ohio prisoner here.

I got dumped here by circumstance, not by choice, and I keep trying to go south. Been trying to get to Florida for 20 years, because that's my true home, and I'm totally locked in place here. It's very frustrating. But perhaps this year it'll happen. Believe me, I certainly understand the feeling!

[rug]

40. Oh, it's not so bad.

Utah, on the other hand . . . .

[Jo March]

12. I've learned the hard way - don't make major decisions when

you are depressed. No good comes of it. None.

Glad that you are back. I didn't realize that you'd left. ;)

We love ya. It's all good.

:hug:

[Blue Gardener]

13. Apology Accepted

Even though I totally missed whatever happened last night. Sounds like you need a hug, and one for your lovely wife. :hug: :hug:

[Double T]

14. Peace of mind and health to you brother in the coming year;...........

there is much work to be done to straighten out the mess our nation is in, 'WE' need your support and help.

[badgerpup]

15. Uh...lemme see.

You're tired, overstressed, disillusioned and overwhelmed...
so you DON'T take it out on your wife or your daughter.
Instead you go to a place where NO ONE is going to get hurt if you get angry and blow off steam and drag all your issues out on the floor and stomp on them by writing about them.
:wow:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?


(ummm...friendly sarcasm, joke, facetiousness...that sort of thing.):hug:

[leftofthedial]

16. yeah, whatever.

just don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way back, um, in . . .

just kidding. I know what it's like to have a year (or two) that is just a nightmare unfolding in slow motion--one that you are powerless to change. There is nothing to do but just keep riding that wave further and further down into hell. It leaves so much pain and confusion so close to the surface that sometimes you can't keep it from welling up. I've been there too.

No worries. Just hang and keep sharing. And don't worry about occasionally being a jerk. People here are pretty amazingly forgiving.

[Blue_In_AK]

17. Love ya, Straight...

Hang in there. Everything will be better when you get to California. I know you'll be able to put the past behind you and move forward. :hug:

[wakeme2008]

18. Maybe we can meet up when we get to the Tehachapi area

:hi:

[SoCalDem]

29. Blast from the past.. we got a $100 ticket in Tehachapi

Needless to say, we have an unfavorable opinion of Tehachapi :)

It's a cool name to say, though :)

[lizziegrace]

19. Hey

Check your PM

I feel badly that I've let you and Autumn Mist down. And we live so close...

Please call me when you can.


:hug:

[HEyHEY]

20. Sorry, can't accept it... fuck off

;-)

[graywarrior]

21. Glad you changed your mind.

[Redstone]

22. We all screw up now and again. If you didn't you wouldn't be human. And I've found at

DU that an apology goes a long way (yes, I've said things that needed to be apologized for more than once).

I didn't see your post, but your apology certainly sounds sincere, so I suspect there will be few hard feelings from other DUers. It's a good crowd here.

Redstone

[malta blue]

23. Glad you changed your mind

We all support you here at DU:hug:

[Rick Myers]

24. Wishing you all the BEST in 2007!!!

You do need to get out of Ohio. I had a really bad 2006 as well. I've been living in Minneapolis, but my hometown is Youngstown. You think Columbus is bad??? Any way, on Good Friday (of all days) my mom called to tell me she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. I bugged out a few days later on a trip that would last 5 months. Back to Youngstown. A grim and depressing place, even on a good day.

Mom had surgery on May 10, and I assumed 24/7 care for my dad, who has Alzhimer's. It was a long and sad summer, in a place I didn't want to be, fighting a fight I'd never imagined. Mom died on Sept 5, and my Dad ended up in assisted living, not knowing who I am...

So I understand your situation, and know that Christmas was tough this year for alot of us.

Take care of yourself, we all look forward to seeing you here at DU. It's become MY family too...


All the best karma for 2007,

Rick

[FedUpWithIt All]

25. You ARE a good man.

:hug: should about cover it from my end. Thank you.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

26. Glad you're back.

And good luck with everything. :hug:

[w8liftinglady]

27. if it helps,your Christmas thread gave me hope

The story about the little Girl Scouts.This has been a hard year for me,too.I live in Red Hell,and my ex- is going to prison,so a good portion of my income has dried up.He has stopped calling or visiting my boys,and they are devastated.Your thread made me smile on a night when I was drinking my pain away.Thank you.We are all here for each other.:grouphug:

[bertha katzenengel]

28. Story, time passes.

Twenty years ago a wise friend gave me the gift of a noisy bedside clock. She figured the sound of a ticking clock would remind me that time passes, and that with the passing of time, pain eases.

Maybe sounds simplistic, and I hope it's not offensive to you. But that's what I will tell you here: time passes. May it pass quickly for you and tick away a little pain with every second.

Happy new year

[wildhorses]

30. thanks for this--nicely done

to apologize as a man.

you claimed your mistake and resolved to learn from it and do better

best wishes on your journey

[ninkasi]

32. Well, drats!

I missed whatever exchange you're talking about, but suspect that most DUers are understanding enough to realize that any of us can snap when under extreme pressure. You've been through a lot. There's an Eagles song, Already Gone, from one of their 70s albums. Although the song is about a couple breaking up, there's one line that seems to fit what you've decided, to cut the bars of your prison...

"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key."

So, cut the bars, use the key on those chains, and realize that it is entirely possible for people you might never meet in person, can care about you, and count you as a friend. We all need to let off steam, and it's much better to do it here, where nobody is actually injured. Considering the ways some people find as an outlet from pain and frustration, your means of venting frustration and fear is much better.

I hope that 2007 will bring positive changes in you and your family's lives. My prayers are with you, and whether you actually feel it or not, here's a cyber-hug... :hug:

[Sperk]

33. missed it too, would you mind repeating it.......just kidding!

wishing you much happiness in the New Year!
:-)

[Karenina]

46. Sperk, you lurker!

Sehr lang nicht gesehen! Da Straight is FINE, he's an extrovert. I read his "infamous" rant and went :eyes: (JUST GO TO BED AND TALK TO ME IN THE MORNING). But YOU I haven't seen for AGES!!! ALL GOOD THINGS to you and yours, dear one! :hug:

[roody]

34. A big welcome to California!!!

Believe it or not, I toy with the idea of selling my house in Calif. and buying one without a mortgage in the midwest, just so I could not work so much. I grew up in the midwest. I love the wide streets and sidewalks with a median that make walking a joy. But I would miss the North Cal. culture.

[SeattleGirl]

36. We all have our breaking points, SS.

And when we reach them, we can do or say things that we later wish we hadn't. Your post last night came from the pain you were feeling.

I'm glad you decided to stay. Yes, this may be "just a board" but indeed, it is so much more than that. We can cushion the blows for each other, support each other, make each other laugh.....

Welcome back, my friend. :hug:

[blues90]

37. I understand just how you feel

In the last 2 years I have lost almost everything including a good job and 4 months ago my mother .

I still have not gotten over the losses and still have not found a way out and past this .

I find I have to almost reinvent myself to be able to survive .

[DUgosh]

38. it's okay

The holidays are a rough time :hi:

I've been a jerk to my family for three days in a row now, and I don't even have remorse yet.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

43. You have nothing to apologize for.

I recall the thread that started the whole thing, and in it somebody made a completely inappropriate, very mean remark (now deleted) about your OP. I don't blame you for wanting to bail on DU under the circumstances, but I'm really glad you didn't. Welcome back. :hug:

[AlienAvatar]

44. Well, we don't know one another and,

I wasn't aware of the commotion you speak of, but if I'd been involved, your apology was so heartfelt and sincere that I'd almost feel embarrassed to accept it. Any "enemy" big enough to make to make an apology like that is someone I'd like to have as a friend.

I can relate somewhat to your bad times and the effect it can have on a person. It can be profound. I haven't posted here for 3 years because I was preoccupied dealing with a lot of turmoil. My first day posting I think I managed to make an ass out of myself. I regret some of the things I said.

Anyway, I know this sounds weak, but try to keep your chin up as much as you can. Time doesn't heal everything, but it'll be easier to deal with, in time. I hope for the best for you. You sound like an alright guy.

[crim son]

47. I didn't think you needed to

apologize though apparently you upset some people. I'm happy you have decided to stay.

You will improve and regain your strength; I know it for a fact. Hang in there. :hug:

[uppityperson]

48. It happens, and thank you for the apology, and hoping things get better for you

Ranting here is ok, and sincere thanks for the apology. Sounds like you have had a hell of a time, and hoping that things turn better for you soon. Thank you for coming back and thank you for all the posts you have made. Peace to you, Uppityperson