When your heart grieves and your brain tries to kill you

[RetroLounge]

My heart is heavy today, and I know it's grief. And my depressive brain keeps coming up with ways to kill me which I just ignore...

All I want to do is crawl under the covers and hide all day. But I won't, not today.

So what to do? Well here's what I'm doing or have done so far to get thru the day...

Played with my kids.
Did the dishes.
Cuddled with my daugter and took a mini-nap.
Wrestled with daughter who kept yelling "body slam" and then doing so.
Took double anti-depressants.
Brushed my teeth.
Shaved.
Put on clean clothes.
Moved 2 car-loads of books to the basement of my house.
Went grocery shopping.
Put groceries away.
Made lunch for me and the kids.
Ate lunch.
Watched a little TV.
Took out garbage.
Read poetry.
Wrote in my journal.
Cried a bit.
Surfed DU.
Smoked. Smoked some more.
Called a friend to see how *they* were.
Prayed, even though I don't really believe in god.
Listened to music.
Cleaned up a bit.

And the day is but half-over...

sigh...

RL

[billyskank]

1. ...

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

16. Thanks Billy...

:hug:

RL

[crim son]

2. I'm sorry, Retro.

It sounds like you're tackling it the right way. Maybe you should put on some music and dance with your daughter... you know, get the endorphins flowing. One thing: you're not alone in your depresesion. :hug:

[RetroLounge]

17. Dancing is always a good idea...

:hi:

RL

[fizzgig]

3. i don't know that i can offer you much

more than a :hug:

[RetroLounge]

18. That's enough...

thanks... :hug:

RL

[BarenakedLady]

4. Oh sweetie....

"My heart is heavy today, and I know it's grief. And my depressive brain keeps coming up with ways to kill me which I just ignore...
All I want to do is crawl under the covers and hide all day. But I won't, not today."

me too, me too. :hug:

But at least you've gotten stuff accomplished. It helps. All I did today was actually get up and go to Pilates class (which was a struggle, let me tell you!), I'm doing laundry, and I went grocery shopping. Other than that I've been sitting on my ass trying to figure out what the hell would make me happy. Would anything? I don't know. I just don't know.

If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. :hug:

[RetroLounge]

19. thanks

:hug:

RL

[idgiehkt]

5. I'm sorry.

I know exactly how that is. Some days I have ideations all freaking day long, I've been that way for most of my adult life. I love the way you put it though, about it just being your brain. But I've been there, I know exactly what it is like. You can pm me any time.

:hug:

[mzteris]

11. ideations, heh.

adult life?

My whole entire life. :cry:

I finally had the courage to talk about it recently. I was always afraid they'd lock me up. . .

[EFerrari]

6. I hear you, RL. My pets are starting to figure out that this isn't a

temporary low mood. :(

I did dishes, talked to two neighbors, walked Kid once and worked with my weights a little. I should make two calls but the phone feels too heavy. I think I need stronger drugs.

I looked at my two little gardens. That helped.

:hug: to you.

[RetroLounge]

20. "but the phone feels too heavy"

God I know that one...

:hug:

RL

[Schema Thing]

7. Sorry you're in the suck

I've been battling it myself recently. Sounds like you've figured out that doing something is better than doing nothing. I have trouble with that one, big trouble.


Feel better.

[RetroLounge]

25. Thanks...

:hi:

RL

[undeterred]

8. Poem written by a person who has been thru depression

hope

I know you are lonely. I know you are weak.
I know it's an end to your sadness you seek.
I know there is nothing to fill up your time.
Nothing, that is, but the darkness inside.

I know of our pain, how our life is a knife,
how it stabs in the guts, how it burns and it bites.
It cuts out our flesh and it laughs as it churns.
The more that it cuts us the faster it turns.

I know you are lonely and wish you were strong.
I know you are weak now, all energy gone.
I know what you want and I quite understand.
I'm not here to make yet another demand.

The universe sometimes can send help to you.
You might like to ask - it is maybe your due.
You probably need to use all of your might
but it's easier now when our might is so light.

Just know that I'm with you. I'm feeling our pain.
Please think about asking. You've only to gain.
Please know I once asked with all my might and main.
My asking was answered. I live once again.

Graham
1992

[Chorophyll]

9. Hi RetroLounge.

I was in a similar place much of last winter and spring. And hell, summer too. I don't have much to offer but I think it's a good instinct to try to take the day in increments. For me, thinking too far ahead was the worst thing I could do. Sometimes I just took it minute by minute. Now I'm looking back at the past year as quite a journey (up the side of a steep cliff, but I did scramble up.)

It also helps to have a body-slamming kid. :)

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

26. Everyone should have a body-slamming kid!

:hug:

RL

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

76. I must be the happiest man on Earth

because my 5yo daughter is a goddamn one-kid WWF!

[Ellen Forradalom]

83. I caught the football marked 'Mom'

And EVERYONE is piling on!

[Ellen Forradalom]

84. I caught the football marked 'Mom'

And EVERYONE is piling on!

[RetroLounge]

86. Oh, I know how that is.

My 8 yr old son crawled onto my back and yelled "Pinned" and right them my daughter yelled "body slam" and nailed us both...

:rofl:

RL

[EFerrari]

It's true -- future tripping doesn't work, even when that future is

the next hour sometimes.

Thought to keep. :)

[Chorophyll]

42. Easier said (by me) than done, of course.

:hi:

[EFerrari]

55. Hey -- saying can be counted as achievement.

lol

:)

[mzteris]

10. don' t know if it helps, but

:hug:

Your day was a lot more productive than mine was (or have been at all lately!)

It really does seem worse lately, doesn't it? Is it the holidays or the weather, d'ya think?

[RetroLounge]

27. Combination, I think...

Clinical, situational, weather, holidays, relationships...

Just one big old suck...

RL

[mzteris]

56. you can say that again.

sometimes I just wanna :banghead:

[KitchenWitch]

12. I have been there!

and I am sorry you find yourself there.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

28. ...

:hug:

RL

[The Traveler]

13. Hang in there, bud

From the looks of things (I'm a lounge lurker), you gotta bunch of friends around here. Besides, from reading your post, it looks like you are skilled at having a great day anyway. Here's to ya.:toast:

[RetroLounge]

29. Thanks...

:toast:

RL

[bluethruandthru]

14. Time for better drugs!

If yours aren't working, get a different one (or more). I'm a big believer in better living through pharmaceuticals!

Too bad you're not here. I'd give you a big hug..then we'd play scrabble..or something...

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

15. Mmmm. Scrabble! Love it!

thanks for the hug...

:hug:

RL

[SPKrazy]

21. We All Have Days That Suck!

and we go through them trudging the road to "happy destiny" as they say in some places ;-)

I know that you are having a tough time with dealing with your dad's illness, and other issues in your life that I don't know about.

Hang in there, and this too shall pass my friend!

:grouphug: :hug:

[RetroLounge]

31. trudging the road of "happy destiny"?

Now where have I read that before? :shrug:

:rofl:

Thanks for the reminder...

and so I trudge. :D

:hug:

RL

[SPKrazy]

44. I Do Know How To Read!

and yes you know where

:evilgrin:

[RetroLounge]

47. Always great to meet an F.O.B.

:hi:

RL

[SPKrazy]

49. Same Here!

I did see ya posting at the F.O.B. place here

:pals:

[RetroLounge]

50. Maybe my list should have included a meeting

but for the kids...

:pals:

RL

[SPKrazy]

51. Oh Shit! You Just Reminded Me That I Forgot To

go and chair a meeting I had said I'd chair!

Dammit!

It's not one I've usually gone to and I signed up for it a month ago. I remembered it 2 days ago and boom, I forgot it!

Oh well, I imagine they had one without me, I just feel bad.

:pals:

Yeah, a meeting might help you, and would have helped me, I won't make one tonight, but maybe tomorrow and definitely Monday.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

22. My dear Retro...........

I feel for you, sweetie........

Some days, when I'm down, I try to remember to tell myself.......

I am bigger than this pain......

Some days it helps.........:hug:

Wish I could help you drive your demons away, baby......I really do...

[RetroLounge]

33. thanks...

:hug:

RL

[QMPMom]

23. I hope you feel better soon, Retro.

These are for you.

[RetroLounge]

35. Flowers are good...

I should get some for the apartment.

I deserve them.

:hug:

RL

[reyd reid reed]

24. Tomorrow will be brighter

and just think of all the wonderful things that the new year is going to bring.

Hang in there, darlin'.

:hug::hug::hug:

[RetroLounge]

36. thanks sweetie...

I appreciate it.

:hug:

RL

[gemdem]

30. Hang in there man

Any more a lot of my days are exactly like like yours ('cepting that it's been 20+ years since I smoked). I just go day by day, although some of those days become hour by hour. Like CalPeg says, you're stronger than those feelings.

Adding to the hugs that others are sending...
:hug: :hug: :hug:

[RetroLounge]

37. Appreciate the hugs...

:hug:

RL

[graywarrior]

32. Here....

:hug: :loveya:

[RetroLounge]

38. thanks

:hug: :loveya:

:hi:

RL

[auntAgonist]

34. I don't know what to say but I will add this to the thread ..

You Sir, are more valuable than you'll ever realize. Without you, your children would be poor. Without you the forum would be lacking. More valuable than gold or silver. Lay down your burdens and take solace in the fact that you are a living, breathing, caring soul who enriches this earth.

I hope your days get better and the sun shines abundantly upon you.


aA
kesha
:hug:

[RetroLounge]

39. That is so appreciated. Thank you...

:hug:

RL

[Writer]

40. Hey, RL, I've been there, too. Often.

I'm glad to read that you journal. I recommend that to everyone who deals with depression. But if you ever need to talk, just PM me.

[RetroLounge]

41. Thanks...

I'm a writer, I had *better* journal... :rofl:

:hug:

RL

[graywarrior]

43. Artist Way...for guys. Do it.

[RetroLounge]

46. Not familiar with this...

:shrug:

Got more info?

RL

[graywarrior]

93. Go here.

I led 3 groups in NH, two with women, one with mixed. The men in the group eventually went off and formed their own group. You follow the chapters in one of Cameron's books each week. Very powerful stuff. Cracks open lots of emotion and gets to the root of blocked and stuffed things. Great for writers, artists, musicians.

http://www.theartistsway.com/

[RetroLounge]

96. Thank you!

Will check it out...

RL

[graywarrior]

99. Start your own group.

It's easy. Everyone in the group has a turn each week leading the session.

[RetroLounge]

102. I'll have to find a book from her.

Recommendations?

RL

[Starbucks Anarchist]

45. Hang in there, RL.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

48. Thanks!

and I like the beard...

:hi:

:hug:

RL

[RevolutionaryActs]

52. Do I need to start posting leg pics?

;)



I hope you feel better soon. :hug::loveya:

[RetroLounge]

53. Can't hurt...

feel free...

(please)

RL

[RevolutionaryActs]

54. I don't have any new ones though.

Or does that make a difference? :shrug:

[RetroLounge]

57. No, the old one is fine...

:D

RL

[RevolutionaryActs]

88. I guess I should go through with my promise, eh?

Only for you...

[RetroLounge]

90. WooHoo!!!!!

:woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo:
:woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo:
:woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo:

and buried so deep in my thread that only *I* can enjoy them!

(right-click, save)

:loveya:

RL

[RevolutionaryActs]

91. lmao

:rofl:

[RetroLounge]

97. Well, it would mean more if the pictures

were not named "legs for billy"

:rofl:

RL

[RevolutionaryActs]

98. Well, that was their original purpose!

He's the one that haggled me into it. :P

[RetroLounge]

100. He's a sly guy, that BillySkank

In the realms of flirting, he's my hero... :D

RL

[tigereye]

58. keep going

and be kind to yourself. As my mom always said, this too shall pass.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

60. The day is almost over and the view is much better...

Sometimes all I can do is just hang on and wait...

:hug:

RL

[FedUpWithIt All]

59. :::hugs to you my dear friend:::

I am sorry about what your going through. Just keep moving. Eventually the scenery will look different. I promise.



:hug:

Refuse to settle in life. ;)

[RetroLounge]

61. thanks

:hugs:

RL

[NNadir]

62. There were some beautiful things in your day.

Music...poetry...the kids.

Especially the kids.

Especially the kids.

Especially the kids.

Sometimes it's very, very, very hard to remember just how beautiful everything really is.

You do know, I hope, that your daughter may remember those body slams for the rest of her life with great affection.

[RetroLounge]

64. I know I will remember them

with a sore back... :D

Yes, the day ended much better than it began...

Thanks

RL

[NNadir]

66. Take some aspirin, get some sleep...

...the sun also rises.

[Maestro]

63. Hey RL

Scroll down a bit and I will show you why you need to keep going and, at least, feel a little better.
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Keep going.
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Ready?
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That is it. You have two beautiful kids that will love you unconditionally. You are the best dad they could ever have, period. They wouldn't trade you in for nothin'!
When I get this way, I just think about my kids. It always brings a smile to face even if it it is only temporary. Stay strong!

[RetroLounge]

65. Thanks for that...

:hug:

RL

[Redstone]

67. Do NOT "double anti-depressants." Just don't. The other things you did were just fine,

but for Christ's sake don't do that with your medicine. It does NOT help to "double up on the dosage."

Trust me on this.

Redstone

[RetroLounge]

68. Thanks. I should be more clear.

I went and saw the doc first, discussed it, and then followed his recommendation.

On my own, bad move, I agree...

RL

[Redstone]

69. Good that you're checking this with your doctor. Good that you're doing

the other stuff on you list.

Healing lies as the end of the road that you've chosen.

Keep walking down that road. For yourself, for your kids, and for your fellow DUers, all of whom are pulling for you.

Redstone

[u4ic]

70. .

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

This too shall pass.

[RetroLounge]

82. ...

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

A good long night's sleep and some wrestling with the kids this morning has helped a lot...

Sometimes white knuckling it thru the suck is all I can do. Today is much better.

:hi:

RL

[SeattleGirl]

71. ........

:hug: :hug: :loveya:

[RetroLounge]

78. ...

:hug:

RL

[NewWaveChick1981]

72. Oh, RL....

:hug: :hug: I'm sorry. :pals:

[RetroLounge]

79. ...

:hug:

RL

[NC_Nurse]

73. Got a good therapist?

Pills can't fix the problem long-term. They can help you face the underlying problems, but not unless someone is helping you dig them out.
I went through this many years ago, when my kids were small. It was really scary, painful, and seemed like FOREVER. I have never had to go back there - no matter WHAT happened.
And believe me, some shit has happened since then. I just don't take it and beat myself with it or feel hopeless like I used to. Not that I'm not still a bit neurotic }( , but that beats suicidal any day!
I had the help of not one, but TWO wonderful therapists who helped me unravel the mess of a childhood rife with chaos, mental illness, alcoholism and abuse.

I hope that you have all the help and support you need. You have my love and support and a lot of others here.
And two beautiful daughters who love and need you to heal yourself. If you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for them. Your issues will be their issues if
they are not resolved. That motivation kept me going sometimes when I wanted to give up on myself.



:hug:

[RetroLounge]

77. yes, I do, thank you...

Peeling back the layers of the onion, as they say...

thanks.

:hug:

RL

[NC_Nurse]

89. You got it, those

onions can be really BIG!

I'm glad you have good help for the journey. It'll be worth it. :pals:

[samplegirl]

74. I applied my

new sticker on my Jeep and blamed BUSH for everything...
now I'm feeling a little better. Cheer up Retro...It's a new
year and surely good is about to come.

[RetroLounge]

80. Good Sticker!

:D

:hug:

RL

[Rising Phoenix]

75. I feel your pain

my brain is like yours....hang in there and big hugs!

Tomorrow can be a fresh start.

love ya

[RetroLounge]

81. Thanks...

big :hug: to you and yours...

:loveya:

RL

[totallynluv]

85. It gets better, but never goes away.

Keep plugging away and good things eventually overtake the bad. Surprises happen. Eventually the good days far outweigh the bad ones.

[RetroLounge]

87. Thanks!

and thanks for De-Lurking and welcome to DU...

:hug:

RL

[momophile]

92. hang in there, handsome

I'm wishing you the very best New Year ever!
:hug:

[RetroLounge]

95. You too, my friend, you too...

:hug:

RL

[Maraya1969]

94. It sounds like you learned that from Recovery Inc. That program is great!

http://www.recovery-inc.org/

For those who do not know Recovery Inc. is a self help like AA and it is all around the country. I cannot begin to tell you how much the Recovery training has helped me.

What you just described is things that you should be "Endorsing yourself" for....as I hope you did. When we feel low a great way to get out of it is to endorse ourselves for all our efforts. I was told that if I had a hard time getting out of bed to endorse myself for just THINKING OF GETTING OUT OF BED. And if I got my feet on the floor endorse again. If I didn't curse someone out when I wanted to....endorse myself! A saying from the group is "Self endorsement in the present leads to sure and determined action in the future"

Thank you for reminding me to practice this great program.

And I am going to endorse myself for sharing Recovery Inc with all of you. :)

BTW - it is free

[RetroLounge]

101. Not familiar with them...

But very familiar with the concepts...

:hi:

RL

[NNadir]

103. My aunt used that program.

It was wonderful for her.