So laugh a little...

[LeahMira]

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot and killed by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven, and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Pete. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom know what to do with a Republicans in these parts, and the same goes for you.

"No problem, just let me in - I'm a believer," says Dubya.

St. Pete shakes his head. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind," cries Dubya. "I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," St. Pete says. And with that, Pete escorts Dubya to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open, and Dubya finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course - the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees.

In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years - people like Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and Jerry Falwell. Everyone is laughing and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet Dubya, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink. "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

The Devil laughs. "This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, Bush is in Heaven again and St. Pete is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours, Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster.

And these people are all middle class, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!

Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless "peace" and '"do unto others" jive.

"Whoa," Dubya says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says to Dubya, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the '"Jeopardy" theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Pete escorts Dubya to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered  with garbage and toxic industrial waste - kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," says a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we drank and ate caviar...I drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage, and everybody looks miserable."

The Devil looks at Dubya and smiles slyly. "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."


----------------------


The Clocks of Heaven

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "what are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "those are lie-clocks. Everyone on Earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. the hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "and whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[ET Awful]

1. and some more. . .

A lobbyist, on her way home from work in Washington,
D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to
herself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual." She
noticed a police officer walking between the lines of
stopped cars, so she rolled down her window and asked, "Officer,
what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he
stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one
believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq,
or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or
that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy
friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq
trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell
Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo
he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking
up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of
folks are still siphoning."

________________________


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

[Wonder_Cow]

2. classics

but with a good twist. Funny.