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1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman
says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for
the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get
married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception
was great.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green
grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a
field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially
inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you
sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and
says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can
do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going
to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are
Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it
must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or
maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butchers the other day and I
bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the
top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
16. A man came to the hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my
legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off
your arms".
17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and
pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
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