So my girlfriends ex-boyfriend needed to stay with us last night...

[zappa_parappa]

apparently there was some kind of accident at his place and he needed a place to stay(and in the 3 years they've been broken up, hes made no other friends he can stay with). So my girlfriend is upset when I tell her I'm going home instead of meeting this guy, who treated her very badly and even if he didn't, i want to stay out of the whole ex-boyfriend mess.

So now she isnt' talking to me, she says i was unsupportive in a crisis, and left her in an uncomfortable position. I said the position would be much more uncomfortable if I were there.

Then it turns out he was messing with her for april fools, but now she still isn't talking to me.

WTF????

[zappa_parappa]

1. kick cuz im pissed

damn exs

[zanne]

2. If she doesn't understand the feelings you're having now...

It's likely she won't understand your feelings in the long run, either. I think she owes you an apology, but what do I know? I haven't had a date in 27 years. (married)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

3. well she had a point. i wouldnt leave my gf alone with her ex

especially after knowing that her ex has treated her badly in the past.

i know that i wouldnt be delighted if my gf had her ex come over and stay, but atleast i'd want to be there just in case she needs my protection.

[zappa_parappa]

4. not physically bad, just been a shitty boyfriend

and I trust her, so I don't think I'm under any threat of her cheating, just don't want to be around the guy.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

7. ahh sorry i misunderstood. i sort of see both your points of view in this

i think maybe you should tell her that you didnt understand why she had to go "save" her ex, who wasnt even nice to her. see where that takes you.

[Hobarticus]

6. But....she agreed to put him up.

If she was uncomfortable having the ex there, she shouldn't have agreed to put him up, period. Can't hang that on the OP.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

8. people have complicated relationships with abusive ex partners.

i see both their perspectives in this. thats all.

[Hobarticus]

29. I understand that, completely...

Been there, done that.

Hope the girlfriend can find some closure.

[zappa_parappa]

9. Damn right! thats what im saying

if she doesn't want him there to begin with, then she definitely shouldn't want him there while im there!

[Hobarticus]

31. You gotta do what you gotta do...

Frankly, he shouldn't be in the picture, at all.

If the relationship was abusive, mentally or physically, those two were locked in a dance that fed on itself. He's living under a bridge? Not her fault, or yours. She has to decide how she's going to live her life. He's still pulling her strings.

Sheesh, I can see myself ten years ago, with the girl I was involved with then, in all of this. Sorry to sound preachy, but damn, this sounds way too familiar.

Not trying to sour you on your girlfriend, but I'm guessing she's not ready to completely cut this joker out of her life, yet, so play your cards close to your chest and watch your back.

The things we do for love....

[HEyHEY]

14. And to make sure he kept it in his pants.

[Bassic]

5. WTF indeed.

:wtf:

[skygazer]

10. Sounds like everybody is behaving quite maturely

Your girlfriend's ex is messing with her for April Fools - :eyes:

Your girlfriend won't speak to you because you weren't "supportive" - :eyes:

And you preferred to leave your girlfriend alone with a guy who treated her badly rather than deal with "the whole ex-boyfriend mess." - :eyes:


Wow.

[zappa_parappa]

11. yeah, cuz me and him together is going to solve alot of issues

meeting with exs is never good, yes he treated her badly, and by that i mean cheating and shit like that, nothing physical...so i don't think me being there would do anything but inflame the situation

[skygazer]

15. Why?

Inflame what? The guy was looking for a place to stay, not coming to beg her to take him back or "solve issues." Why so quick to assume it would turn into some sort of awful situation?

As for it never being good to meet with exes, I have no idea why that would be either. I don't know if you're as young as you sound but if so, you'll find in life that as you get older, people have more and more exes and it's almost impossible not to meet them. Most people treat them as just another person - after all, that "ex" implies that it's no longer a relationship.

[zappa_parappa]

16. Well the man treated her badly, which isn't cool with me

but I'm not going to stop her from seeing him if she wants. And the guy imposes upon her knowing shes with someone else...like he can't find someone else to take him in, or get a hotel room...it smacks of him trying to get her back, and I'm pretty sure thats whats going on. But i guess all that doesn't matter since it was hypothetical, but I don't trust that man one bit, and having to deal with him could get messy, so i removed myself from it. Sounds pretty mature to me.

[skygazer]

18. Your logic makes my head spin

You think he's trying to get her back, you say he's imposing on her knowing she's with someone else and you don't trust him one bit so you leave him alone with her? If you think that's mature, knock yourself out. I can see this relationship of yours is going places. :eyes:

[zappa_parappa]

21. I trust her...thats what matters

I know i can leave them alone...I don't trust myself with him...seems pretty mature to me.

[ET Awful]

17. I'll have to agree with you here skygazer.

It's ridiculous to assume that meeting a current SO's ex would be an awful situation.

Same goes for the later reply saying "when it's over it's over" or words to that effect. That's not always true. People cease seeing each other romantically and remain friends all the time. It's ridiculously immature to pretend that once two people end a romantic relationship, they should never see, speak or think of each other ever again, and should, under no circumstances, retain an amicable relationship.

[LibraLiz1973]

44. My ex & I are still best friends

I've had him and the wife over to stay.

When you love someone, it doesn't just go away because it didn't work out.
You just love them different- not enough to stay together, not enough to be romantic... but you still care. You CAN be friends

[MAGICBULLET]

12. bottom line

your girl's ex should not be talking to her. it's over means it's over, no calls, no april fools jokes, nothing, especially if he treated her badly. unless of course you find yourself talking to exs you had destructive relationships with.

[zappa_parappa]

13. I still talk to exs so i don't hold that against her

the part Im not keen on is her getting upset because I dont' want to be there to meet the guy. I never forced her to meet any of mine, I don't see any reason for me to be there for hers.

[crispini]

19. Here's MY diagnosis.

She sounds like she felt she HAD to put him up for whatever reason. She remembers the good times, she wants to be "nice" to him, she has boundary issues, whatever. But, she probably didn't really WANT to put him up, and she wanted you there because she wanted your support, or perhaps she wanted to show him this better relationship that she was in now. She wanted to create a circle that was the two of you and show him that he was left out of it, and instead, you barged off and left her one-on-one with a person she really didn't want around in the first place but felt she had to invite for whatever reason.

Now, does she have a right to be mad at you? It depends, was she clear and articulate about the fact that she wanted you there, and why, and you still turned her down? If that's the case, and it was me, I might be mad at you too. If she wasn't particularly clear about this, well, she has to learn to understand what she wants better, and communicate it better, so she does bear some responsibility if that's the case.

Just my two cents from Miss Lonelyhearts. ;)

[crim son]

23. Ding ding ding!

My thoughts exactly. Women like a certain strength of character in their man. Deciding to disappear because it was too difficult for *you* exposed your weaknesses with respect to your personal strength and your love & concern for her. That's how I'd view it, anyway.

[SKKY]

35. Ok, here's something I don't get...

Why would she feel the need to show HIM this better relationship? What does this relationship have to do with HIM??? If she wanted to "create a circle that was the two of you and show him that he was left out", don't you think a much better way to do that would be to say something like, "I'm sorry. I understand your situation and I feel bad for you, but I think it's pretty disrespectful to have you stay here with me and my boyfriend." Why bring him in to see what he can plainly see from the outside. Sounds to me like there's probably more drama to this, but just my opinion.

[crispini]

37. Nah, you left out the first part.

The first question she answered for herself is, "Do I, or do I not, grant this guy's request to stay the night?" She answered that YES, and we don't know why. It could be that she just felt sorry for him, it could be that she DOES have some kind or problem, or inappropriate boundaries, or -- she could just be TOO NICE. To be perfectly honest, almost any guy I have dated in the last 10 years could call ME up with that request, and I'd probably grant it, just because I wanted to do a favor to an old friend, BUT, I would also feel a bit of ambivalence, and if I had a CURRENT boy-friend, which I do not, I would think to myself, "Well, if I can get my current guy to stay over, that will protect and insulate me any weird feelings first guy will bring up."

What I'm saying is, it doesn't start with the current relationship and work back, it starts with the request and works forward.

[Connonym]

20. for what it's worth, I'd put up my ex in a crisis

Of course, he's the father of my kids and that might make a difference. Obviously we don't know your GF but it sounds to me like she probably said yes because she's soft-hearted. I can understand why she'd want you there both as support for her and also to avoid the appearance of anything inappropriate. It makes sense to me.

And Sky's right, eventually in life you're going to encounter exes. It only has to be uncomfortable if you allow it to be.

[Lil Missy]

22. Three years after the breakup - this in not for "April Fools" joke

Seems like there's a lot missing here.

Has there been continuous contact between them in the last 3 years? Was it an amicable parting?

How long have you been with her? Are both of you secure in your relationship?

Are either one of you prone to jealousy?

I could go either way on this, depending on the circumstances and past history.

I DO get the sense that you are genuinely hurt by this situation, and you are struggling with how to deal with it. I am certainly not ready to write you off as an insensitive jerk. I suspect you perhaps have a valid point. But just too may unknowns.

I wish you the best, and I hope it all works out in the end.

[Little Wing]

24. Way to run away, hero

[zappa_parappa]

25. The gambler always said

you gotta know when to run.

[Rhiannon12866]

26. IMO, that was really way too much for her to ask of you...

I don't blame you for being pissed. You're the one who was placed in a very uncomfortable position and she shouldn't be the one who is angry. And the guy should have been grateful for a place to stay, not messing with the head of someone who he treated badly, but still did him a kindness. I would have insisted that he find a hotel, instead, but I hope that you can put this unpleasantness behind you and talk things out...:-)

[pitohui]

27. well i wouldn't be talking to HER

wtf kind of joke is that? the girlfriend should not even be in touch with the ex who abused her and if he did accost her asking for a place to stay, she should have told him to stay at the goddamn motel 6 like everybody else

i would be v. disturbed and might even be re-thinking this relationship because i would wonder about the truth of what went on between girlfriend and ex that he would even THINK he could pull a joke like this

i think you need to get away from this situation a few days and let your head clear

you're being blamed for a situation where it looks to me that you may be the victim

okay, now i've read the whole thread, and it's bad -- your gf is in communication w. this known cheater ex, hoo boy, you may trust your gf, but i would have serious issues with this, very serious issues

i think after 3 years she needs to decide who is more important in her life, you or the cheater ex april fool's joker who is obviously trying to maintain contact in hopes of (or maybe even actually getting) some fuckbuddy action

[Ariana Celeste]

28. I had a somewhat similar situation recently.

Not going so far as my ex needing a place to stay, no, he had a motel room. But we wanted to hang out, and my SO decided that he wanted to fake a migraine and sulk in the bedroom all day rather then have to put up with a few awkward minutes for my sake. Well, fuck that. That's childish. My ex is a very close friend of mine despite whatever problems we may have had in the past. We almost had a child together for Christ's sake. I loved him then and always will, and I told my SO that if he wants to have any sort of meaningful relationship with me, he will just have to learn to deal with my choice of friends. Unfortunately I am still unhappy with him over his behavior.

I don't blame your girl for being pissed. Regardless of whether or not it was an April Fool's joke on the ex's part, your reaction was NOT a part of the joke, it was very real, and she has every reason to be upset about that.

[Redstone]

30. Hey, Mrs R's ex-husband has come to visit, and is welcome to do so again

whenever he wants to. I like the guy, and do not feel threatened at all.

Redstone

[NMDemDist2]

32. my ex stayed with me and hubby for 3 weeks

it was fine :shrug:

I will always be grateful to my dear hubby for that time, my ex died within 6 months and we had been friends MUCH longer than we were ever lovers

I think a lot has to do with your age and emotional maturity.

I think the OP was worried he'd go off on the guy so he thought he was doing the right thing. the gf has some issues is what it sounds like to me, but youth explains a lot I think.

[Redstone]

33. Everybody's situation is different. I'm glad yours was like mine. Wish the OP's was as well,

but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.

For example, it would be a tension convention for my older son's mother to visit, even though Mrs R's ex-husband is a welcome visitor.

Redstone

[pitohui]

41. was mrs. r's ex-hubby a known cheat?

i think we got a very, very very different situation going on here

the OP does not feel threatened but he seems quite naive to me

normal women don't hang out 3 years later with cheating exes unless there is something more going on

[ContraBass Black]

34. I would have stayed, stayed awake, and carried a blunt weapon.

But then, I don't trust people.

[texas1928]

36. Three years after a break up... I would never have pulled a "April Fool's Joke" on a ex.

I would not have felt comfortable, plus I would not have had contact with them. So I am kind of suspicious of that one.

[crispini]

38. Now THERE you have a good point.

BUT, she did not know that when she answered the request.

[texas1928]

39. Even then, I would not be calling some ex for a place to stay.

I have never had really bad break ups. I had a few that were not amicable, but not terrible. But still, even the friendly, you know what we are not right for each other ones, I would not be calling them to ask for a place to stay.

[ContraBass Black]

40. I would sleep on a sidewalk in an ice storm before I would call an ex for help.

But then, I was the abused, rather than the abuser.

[xchrom]

42. and that's another reason why my lovers/partners don't live with me anymore.

now if the invitation was for a happy three-way -- we'd have something to talk about.

[IdaBriggs]

43. I am on good terms with both of my "serious" exes, so I kind of think

you were being flaky.

One of them was my husband's best friend; he cheated on me, and we went down in FLAMES. (There was a third person involved.) We didn't speak for a while, but if he hadn't been such a jerk, I never would have ended up with my beloved husband. :)

That ex and I made peace about ten months after my (then boyfriend/now husband) started seeing each other. At one point all three of us ended up living together for about six months! My ex stood up in my wedding, and my husband was "best man" at his. His wife was a little weirded out by the friendship for a while, but as I explained to her, if he and I had been meant to be together, we would have been -- part of our problems had to do with the fact that in his heart of hearts, he was always really looking for HER. (He never pulled a cheating stunt on another girlfriend after what happened between us -- it was NOT a pleasant time, and it wasn't an "in character" thing for him to do.)

My husband and "first love" ex still don't really want to meet (not a big deal since he lives out of state), but I've been pretty clear that when the opportunity presents itself, I expect them to meet. Oddly enough, I think they will like each other a lot! I'm not as close to either of my two exes as I used to be, but I still think of them fondly, and providing either of them with a place to stay would not bother me (nor do I think it would bug my husband).

The bottom line is that she is upset with you for putting YOUR NEEDS ahead of hers. Whether that was a good decision or not is beside the point -- the two of you are in a "power play" situation, and she asked you to do something that mattered to her. You chose not to for what you consider to be good and valid reasons (which means you don't respect her judgment on how important it was to her). You have some stuff to work out....