need some "Dear Abby" type advice

[radfringe]

we have a dear friend (names changed to protect the innocent)

Dee - who was involved with Kay many years ago, they broke up because of Kay's drinking. About 5 years ago they got together again and broke up within a year - again because of Kay's drinking

Monday night I get a phone call from Dee and KAY - they are getting married in May. Apparantly they got back together again a couple of months ago

I was unable to get details from Dee because Kay was within listening range, so I don't know if Kay is still drinking or not. People don't change all that quickly, and from our past experience with Kay, our guess is that Kay really hasn't changed

so we are in a pickle - we want to grab Dee and say "What the hell are you thinking??!!!"

Dee lives about 6 hours away from us, so at best we see Dee maybe twice a year - so the direct "impact" of this on us is minimal

our concern is that Dee will end up getting hurt - not physically - Kay is not a violent drunk, just the falling down-passing out kind

sooo what do we do? If it gets that far - we will be going to the wedding for Dee's sake

- Say nothing
- express our reservations about the upcoming wedding.
- just hope it falls apart before the wedding

just sign me,
Dazed and Confused

[SoCalDem]

1. Say nothing..

I assume that they are both adults.. and they know they have this "problem".. You can only "be there" for them when and if problems arise..

Anything you say, will only become a wedge in the future.:(

My best friend's s/o is an idiot, and I wish she would leave him, but she loves him, so I say nothing.. I listen to her when she's down, give her a shoulder to cry on, and realize, that when she is ready, she will throw him out, but I cannot get in her business :(

[radfringe]

2. that's pretty much the way we are leaning

be there if/when she needs us, but otherwise just keep our mouths shut

:sigh: :eyes:

[DemExpat]

3. Anonymously send her a copy of the book about being

co-dependent/co-dependency.....that is what I would be very tempted to do if this were my friend...

Otherwise, say nothing to harm the friendship.

DemEx

[tedoll78]

4. Say nothing, or..

if you do say something, be tactful.

Instead of asking about Kay, ask Dee if she's ready for married life (as a general question). Seem to make the question not about Kay specifically. It might make her mind fire-up a bit in thought.. Otherwise, just be there for her when/if things go wrong..

[rucky]

5. This part is telling...

"I was unable to get details from Dee because Kay was within listening range, so I don't know if Kay is still drinking or not."

Shouldn't be that tough to find out. Dee should be eager to tell you the story about how they got back together. If Kay were clean, tho, Dee would be advertising without you asking.

And then what?

Dee may need a self-esteem boost. That's about all you can do. Keep telling her how beautiful & wonderful she is. Resist the urge to shake her out of it, she has to do that herself.

[Rowdyboy]

6. If maintaining a friendship is important to you

Say nothing. She already knows....

[BiggJawn]

7. MYOB

And send Dee the # for the local Al-Anon.

I think that's pure "Dear Abby", isn't it?

[populistmom]

8. I don't understand the whole codependent mind-frame

I'm married to someone who, prior to our marriage and for the first 7 years of our marriage was in recovery and things were pretty good. The past 6 have been touch and go and at times (although now he's currently 'on the wagon' for a couple months anyway), shear Hell for me emotionally as I don't go for the codependent bullshit. Why someone would willingly choose to go into that after already being hurt is beyond me. However, people are going to do what they're going to do and all you can do is say that you'll be there if she needs you down the road.