Has anyone seen my Briefcase?

[Exultant Democracy]

It disappeared a few days ago, but the strange thing is that I was in my house at the time and all the doors were locked. The only way anyone could have gotten in is through my doggie door, but to do that they would have had to be some type of midget (no larger then say a turkey.)

At first I had assumed that I had just misplaced it in my house, but now I’m starting to panic because it had some very sensitive documents inside of it, the type that could mean trouble if they fell into the wrong hands.

There are a few clues that I hadn’t noticed at first and just attributed to my roommate, the first is that a bag or oranges is also missing, and the second is a TV remote that just appeared out of no where, but does not work on for my TV.

The remote is a normal remote in all respects, it has Arabic numerals on it 1-9 and then a 0 at the bottom, it has a power button and buttons for volume and channel changing. It also has a return button which I believe would allow you to toggle between two channels, but I cannot be sure since the remote does not work on my TV.

I suspected the guy next door (he is a shady fellow and his Bush Cheney sign as from 2000 is still up in his front yard.) But after I broke into his house I found that the remote did not work on his TV either, but he did has a suspicious bag of apples so I commandeered them as evidence (or for pie.)

If anyone finds my briefcase (normal brown fake leather exterior) please PM me, and no matter what you do, do not open it, or give it to any terrorist, malcontents, or unsavory characters. If you cannot return it to me please destroy it (fire should work.)

Thank you,
LC

[LynneSin]

1. Have you tried the "Asked the Administrator" forum??

The admins helped NSMA find her car keys

Go figure

:shrug:

[Blue-Jay]

2. Great. I just spit coffee on my desk.

Here's what did it: "they would have had to be some type of midget (no larger then say a turkey.)"

Man, that hit me just right. :D

Did you check behind the comfy chair? (assuming you have a comfy chair) That's where my lost stuff usually ends up.

[Exultant Democracy]

5. I checked my comfy chair.

I found 5 M&M’s (two peanut the rest plain,) lint, a Hootie and the Blowfish CD (which I left in the chair,) and $3.61 made up of a penny, a dime, two quarters, and a three dollar bill (I also left the three dollar bill in the chair because it seemed easier to ignore, but I did take the 61 cents.) On the bottom of the cushion I fond some type of stain (greenish,) but I did not find my briefcase.

[Blue-Jay]

7. Trade the Hootie CD to the turkey-sized midget for your briefcase.

or just throw it away.

[Exultant Democracy]

9. I'm going to throw away the chair.

I noticed a bad smell (like burned rubber and bad potatoes) and I traced it back to the greenish stain. I will toss the Hootie CD with it, but I have decided to try and use the 3 dollar bill at the gas station.

[On the Road]

66. Oh, Dear God, I Can't Even Post

Your coffee-drinking animated GIF is making me weep with laughter. It's really time to go to bed.

[radwriter0555]

3. I lost a jar of salad dressing on xmas day.... and still haven't found it.

My friend and I were cooking, we had both SEEN the brand new jar of salad dressing.. then, *POOF* it was gone.

Haven't seen it since.

NO idea where it went.

[EstimatedProphet]

4. That's funny, a briefcase

and a jar of salad dressing appeared in my apartment yesterday, along with a grumpy looking guy carring a Bush/Cheney sign...

[Exgeneral]

36. You'll find out, come July

[Exultant Democracy]

6. Update:

The pie was really good, but halfway through I started to feel guilty so I returned it to my neighbors. Hopefully when he gets home he will think, yum pie, and not who broke into my house and stole my apples.

While I was climbing over the fence (before I broke his kitchen window,) I noticed some strange animal prints in my yard (maybe monkey, maybe dog.) Perhaps some covert group has trained evil monkey-dogs to steal briefcases (or oranges.)

My roommate is starting to complain when I lined all of our doors and windows with garlic (to keep away monkey-dogs,) but he shut right up when I started to fill one of my tube socks with apples (I gave the guy half a pie, so I kept some apples.)

[Exultant Democracy]

8. Not a monkey-dog

I checked with a zoologist friend of mine and he confirmed that it was not a monkey dog. The hands had too many digits (6 each,) and not enough thumbs (0 each.) He also informed me that there is no such thing as a monkey-dog, and that they would not steal briefcases if they did exist. He did conceded that a monkey-dog might in fact steal oranges.

On the way home I stopped to buy more garlic, but thinking better I broke back into my neighbors and took his, I also took the pie back (very good pie.)

[A-Schwarzenegger]

10. Uh oh.

[Exultant Democracy]

11. Uh oh what?

[TrogL]

33. My back hurts

My boss just broke into my office to find out why I was choking and wheezing over my keyboard and turning beet red, then started pounding me on the back.

[Exultant Democracy]

35. You might have had a better fate had you perished...

I mean, all hail Lord Oscar (just to be safe.)

[radwriter0555]

13. OOOOOOOOooooooo You're in TROUBLE now....

Is Oscar missing? Or has he been slathering himself in salad dressing?

[Exultant Democracy]

14. salad dressing, car keys, briefcase, and Oscar?

but everyone said Oscar wasn't real.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

16. A lots of people don't think Hobbes was real neither.

Stop worrying about your briefcase. I have a
feeling that it's in a happier place. Whatever
that was sensitive in it is been long desensitivzed.

[Exultant Democracy]

17. Would you check upstairs and see what Oscar is building?

The briefcase contained some plans. Just describe whatever you see up there and I'll tell you if all of humanity is in danger or not.

edit: How does Oscar feel about Garlic?

[A-Schwarzenegger]

27. I t's awful big and I dont know what it is

but it has "STRA WARS" written on the side.

As for garlic, he always keep a clove
tucked up in his gum.

[Exultant Democracy]

31. Oh Sh*t we are in trouble.

Oscar doesn't happen to have any advanced degrees in genetics or quantum mechanics does he?

[radwriter0555]

28. How could anyone doubt Oscar? That's crazy talk...

Oscar is as real as my jar of now-missing salad dressing.

[myrna minx]

15. Perhaps Oscar requires salad dressing for his project.

Or perhaps he was hungry for macaroni salad.

[Drifter]

52. Where's Oscar ?

What became of this discussion AS ?

Have you produced photos of this intriguing animal (or fessed up to the hoax)?

Curious

Cheers
Drifter

[BurtWorm]

12. They're next to nothingshockmeanymore's keys.

;)

[ProfessorGAC]

18. I've Got It

Just goes to show you, you can never be too safe. Pretty stealthy, ain't i?
The Professor

[Exultant Democracy]

19. What do you have?

the keys, salad dressing, oranges, apples (no wait I have them), or my briefcase?

[ProfessorGAC]

20. No I've Got Your Briefcase

I used to be a cat burglar in a different life. I guess i still got it! Sneakin' in, sneakin' out. Pretty clever, huh?

Besides, i would have left your oranges and apples. I am sorry i missed the salad dressing though. Should have taken that when i had the chance.
The Professor

[Exultant Democracy]

21. How did you fit in the doggie door?

You would have to be no larger then a turkey. Mmmmmmmm turkey.

[ProfessorGAC]

24. Sorry, I Can't Tell You

Secrets of the trade and all.
The Professor

[Exultant Democracy]

25. Will my Garlic blockade stop you from now on?

Did you see who took my oranges and left their remote while you were breaking in?

[ProfessorGAC]

26. Hmmm!

The garlic thing might be a problem for me.

Sorry, i didn't see who took the oranges. I'll send the briefcase back too. I decided i don't need it after all. I was more just seeing if i still had the touch.
The Professor

[radwriter0555]

30. I was cooking a turkey when the salad dressing (Bleu Cheese) went

missing.

But oddly, my piece of Maytag Bleu Cheese from Msr. Marceui's in the Farmer's Market, is intact.

[radwriter0555]

29. Then who has the salad dressing? It was Bleu Cheese...

I think that's important.

[Exultant Democracy]

32. It is all coming together now into one brilliant, but malevolent plot.

Blue Cheese you say? Ha ha, he has slipped up. At first I thought we were dealing with Italian dressing (in which case all would have been lost.) but now there is hope (not much, just a fools hope.)

[jimbo fett]

22. I have it. Whatcha gonna do about it, punk?

[Exultant Democracy]

23. I have a tube sock full of Apples

get read for the beat down of a life time (unless I want to make more pie.)

[jimbo fett]

53. That reminds me of the line from Uncle Vinnie...

"Let's see... do I want an ass-kicking?" (paraphrase)

[Exultant Democracy]

34. My apologies to you all, mistakes have been made. (Please read)

It has become clear that my briefcase, and its dangerous contents, have fallin into the hands of Oscar a mixed animal of indeterminate origin and temperament. The good news is that it is very unlikely that Oscar will be able to acquire adequate amounts of plutonium to pose a serious threat. In addition the use of blue cheese dressing instead of Italian could cause the mechanism to malfunction. If worst-case scenario Oscar does acquire the plutonium and proves to be malevolent, I would suggest buying canned goods, bottled water and ammo (do not buy duct tape and plastic unless you want to be the first against the wall.)

On the home front, when I came to realize that garlic does not keep Oscars away, but is in fact for keeping vampires away (stupid stupid,) I decided to break back into my neighbors house and leave the garlic there. I figured that I could fool him into thinking that I did not steal his apples by placing the garlic in the bag they came in and writing in magic marker, "Apples, not Garlic, ya Moran."

After I returned the "apples" I noticed that his house now had 5 broken windows with all the tracks leading from his house over my fence into mine. Realizing that this would lead to questions that I would not want to answer I returned to his house, broke into his liquor cabinet and used a bottle of vodka to douse his bed and light it on fire. The plan was to start the fire run back to my house and get my hose "break in" and put the fire out. This way I would be a hero and not a criminal.

There was one little hitch to my plan, when I broke into the liquor cabinet I also found a bottle of Jameson’s. Now I’m not a superstitious guy, but I have always held that it is bad luck to start a fire without drinking a toast (or 7.) After I stated the fire I ran back to my house, but I was so full from a day of eating pie (drunk from drinking a bottle of whiskey,) that I had to sit down on my comfy chair (garbage day isn't till Friday,) where I had to close my eyes for a second (passed out.) When I got up I was chagrined to find that my neighbors house had burnt right to the ground, leaving only his Bush Cheney 2000 sign standing proudly in the front yard before a pile of ashes.

The good news is that all the evidence of my misdeeds has gone up in the proverbial flames, right along with the proverbial house that I set on proverbial (real) fire. The bad news is that I have the drunken munchies (not proverbial) and I wanted to make garlic bread.

With Fealty to Oscar,
LC

[Exultant Democracy]

37. Update: the fire Marshall came, I think I got away with it.

I invited him over while he was looking at the "innocent accidental fire scene" (arson,)and we finished off the rest of the bottle of Jameson's together.

When he saw the animal tracks in my back yard he asked me if they were from some type of Monkey-dog, I responded, "You idiot, everyone knows there is no such thing as a monkey-dog. God you're so dumb, next thing you know you'll think I set that house on fire, probably with help from a monkey-dog, idiot."

Then I pulled out my camera cell phone and took a picture of him holding the Jameson's bottle. After that I told him that if he didn't report that the fire (arson) was an accident he would find himself in a whole lot of trouble. I said would not only report him to his boss for being drunk on the job, but also attest to the fact that he was having delusions of monkey-dogs that you could keep away with garlic (when everyone knows garlic only keeps away vampires, and not even the Italian ones.)

[Pobeka]

41. Now I think I understand where my jar of plutonium went.

I usually keep it sitting right here on my desktop, and it just disappeared.

I was really perplexed, because security is *soooo* tight here. We even have a watch dog that roams inside and also goes outside... WAIT A MINUTE, LET ME CHECK THE DOGGIE DOOR...

My God! I've never seen hair like this before, a little tuft, if that's what you want to call it. More like a bunch of short little bristles.
And there's the faint odor of, of old vase water?

I'm going to get some canned goods.

[Exultant Democracy]

42. Well this is a disturbing turn of events indeed.

I’ll say this much, don’t worry about the 2004 election.

Here is a nifty little pre-Armageddon tip. Buy your guns and ammo first, then when you go the supermarket you don't have to wait in those pesky lines, or pay with money that you already spent on you private arsenal. While you are there, why not bring some of the people home with you to serve as servants and concubines (not any of the bag boys, they are bad news.)

Also, name your new fiefdom after our soon to be master (I already picked out New Oscarville,) and give yourself a newer, hipper barbarian name along with a rank in the new imperial army. (Example: Lord Uthor Scarfire General of the Imperial Legion.)

[Pobeka]

44. Fortunately, I already have built a lead-lined room.

And I'm back from the grocery, with a fresh supply of canned goods.

Yes, I like your idea. I choose to rule the fiefdom hereafter to be known as "Oscarton".

I will be known as "Pobeka, Grand Leader of Oscarton". The tuft of hair I found is even now being enshrined in clear epoxy, so many generations to come of my minions will know that I, Pobeka, was nearly touched by Oscar.

[Exultant Democracy]

48. very good, our lord does like a nice shrine

I wish I hadn't lost that remote in the fire, it had actually be stuck inside of our lord's fur, but I will now keep my chair where he left the greenish stain that smells like burned rubber and bad potatoes.

[Exultant Democracy]

38. kick for the night crew, maybe you can help.

[TrogL]

39. I still don't understand what Oscar's doing with my remote

It's been missing for four days and I need it to control the centre channel on my stereo.

Did your plans include anything infrared?

[Exultant Democracy]

40. I think your remote is gone

It was next door when the "accident" happened. I was going to go sift through the ashes to see if I can save anything (loot the place)so if I do find it I will send it to you.

[TrogL]

59. My remote is back

but whenever I try to use it, strange characters appear on my TV screen (which is weird, because it's a remote for my sound-only receiver). They look sort of half ways between Cyrillic and Greek with maybe a bit of Klingon or Elvish or Scandinavian runes thrown in. They're different each time you push a button so I suspect they're a rotary encryption similar to the methodology used for the Enigma machine.

[burrowowl]

43. Well

so far, if Oscar has the briefcase, nothing terrible has happened.
Maybe Oscar disarmed it?

[Exultant Democracy]

45. It wasn't the briefcase that was dangerous

The danger is in the machine that he has built in A-Schwarzenegger's attic using the directions in the briefcase, NSMA's car keys, bleu cheese dressing, plutonium, and perhaps a bag of oranges (he might have just taken the oranges to eat.)

Edit: look at it this way, he already made me burn down my next-door neighbors house. With the power to turn neighbors against each other what chance do we stand?

[burrowowl]

46. Go check with Oscar

he might be the new patron saint of lost things, or co-saint with saint Anthony.

[Exultant Democracy]

47. Oh to go back to the simpler days.

Back when I believed in monkey-dogs.
Back when Oscar was was just a mixed up pup.
Before houses "accidentally burned down under innocent circumstances."
Before I invited (kidnapped at gun point) half the employees of the grocery store to come stay in my bunker.
Before the most powerful weapon even to exist fell into the arms of a maniac.

I guess in some small way it is my fault, maybe writing on the side of the briefcase "Top Secret Super Weapon Plans" was not the best idea. Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't have gotten drunk before I started that fire.

[burrowowl]

49. Pray, mediatate

to St Anthony and Oscar to help you find your lost innocence.
(I love the intermingling of the 2 threads, someone who wants to play editor should try to blend them into a saga.)

[Exultant Democracy]

50. I already placed all my chips

The briefcase and the plutonium (not to mention my bag of oranges) weren't lost, they were taken. If I am wrong I am going to have a lot of explaining (fleeing the country) to do.

Edit: as for the Saga of LC and Oscar all I have to say is where is MagicRat?

[NNadir]

65. I have some Plutonium here, but I don't know if it's yours.

Was yours weapons grade or reactor grade? Was it shaped into a pit or was it amorphous? I have several types, and to be frank, I have no idea where all of them came from.

[Pobeka]

51. A message from Pobeka, Grand Leader of Oscarton:

Tonight I will make an announcement.

The whole world will be different.

I can only say this now -- Oscar is more, much more than we originally thought...

[Exultant Democracy]

54. Hello from New Oscarville (only a bunker so far)

Thing are going well her and everyone is upbeat and optimistic. When I first invited all of my guests home (kidnapped) they did have some reservation. This wasn't a very serious barrier and after I explained thing to them (drugged and brainwashed them) they came to understand that I was their protector and that some day they would stand beside me as the founders of Oscarville (I still keep all the ammo locked up.)

As I am typing I have Lewis, the only store clerk with glasses (thus he must be the smart one) reading through first aid, and anatomy books so that he can become our Doctor. Lewis, or should I say Dr. Lewis is one funny guy, he keeps on asking me for help on the "hard words." I just smile, pound him on the back and say "Ha ha, Four Eyes, you joker you. If you are half as smart as you are funny (glasses), I reckon you’ll cure cancer."

I seemed to have brought two of the bag boys home by mistake, and I was right about them, they are unsavory folk. Since I will need all the help (slaves) I can get after the cataclysm I have decided not to execute them yet. Instead I have made two of the shelf stocking boys, Mike and Jake, members of my secret police. They were more then happy to spy for me once I promised them that I would not let the bag boys used them as women.

Other good new is that, we have had a marriage!!! Well in fact we had three. I took Lauren the produce girl as my first wife, and Lady of all Oscarville so far thing have been good, but she was a little upset when I took Sarah from deli and Erin from customer service as my second and third wives.

The marriages upset the rest of the men at first, when they realized that there were now two less free girls then free guys. I think I diffused the situation when I pulled the bag boys aside and informed them that they could use any of the other guys as their women, except of course, Dr Lewis (he has to delicate a genius to be disturbed.) I feel bad that I didn't tell them not to use Mike and Jake (they are the two prettiest boys) but the key word in secret police is SECRET.

We are all looking forward to Pobeka of Oscarton’s announcement, and sprits are in general very high (I have decided to keep them drugged.)

With Fealty to Oscar,
Lord Uthor Scarfire, Govener General of the Imperial Legion, Baron of New Oscarville

[TrogL]

55. You are clearly lacking in imagination

The sleeping arrangements are clearly not going to work. In times of close confinement, many sexual orientation issues go out the window and become quite fluid. You have left the bag boys out of this equation by preventing them from taking part. You have done the same disservice for "Dr." Lewis and for that matter, yourself and your three wives.

What would have been more structured would to have set up a rotation.

You are also going to have to take bloodlines into account for the propagation of the species. If you are the only one procreating with three women, you are rapidly going to fall into genetics issues relating to incest in the next generation. Much better to have each woman serviced by multiple men. You cannot rely upon Cain's wife appearing by magic.

[Exultant Democracy]

56. Ah I you missunderestamated me

First of all the bunker that I am using is very very large (not as big as I would like to think.) Secondly I goose stepped most of the supermarket staff in here, the men were complaining that there were now 18 free girls to 20 free guys. I'm sure as time allows I will introduce to too all of my little family (no I won't cause I'm lazy) but I have to get back to running my little fiefdom.

[TrogL]

57. You've got a large enough community

that at least one of them is odds-on in the LGBT spectrum.

Now what do you do?

With that number of women you're still going to have problems with genetic drift. Does Oscar fit into this?

[Pobeka]

58. Greetings, Lord Uthor Scarfire, I bear witness to an amazing story!

Last night, after I signed off of DU, I went to examine the tuft of hair which I
encased in hard epoxy. As I held what I now refer to as the "Amulet of Oscar",
something strange happened. I was overcome with a force of will, for lack of a better
description, and knew I had to return to the laboratory where the jar of plutonium
was taken earlier that day. Something, yes another will, was guiding me to a location
out in the small landscaped parking area at the laboratory. I walked unknowingly, but
determinedly to the small cedar tree, and pushed aside the branch hanging on the
ground.

There, I found 9 small orbs, iridescing in the moonlight. They were about 5
millimeters in diameter, with a pale white color. Had anyone been nearby, they would
have heard me make an audible gasp. I quickly put them in my pocket, returned to my
car and headed back to Oscarton.

When I returned to Oscarton, there, in my small lead-lined room I assembled the 4 women, and
2 men whom I fondly refer to as "my minions". Sady, the youngest sold me
4 cases of beer at the corner market, and was ready to come with me to my lead-lined
room after I told her of Oscar, and how the world was going to end. All she needed
was more purple hair dye, which we got at the drug store.

At the drug store, we met Phil. Phil was the store manager. Phil is seems, is a bit eccentric, and inquisitive.
One thing led to another and we left the drug store, with Phil, Sady, Kirsten, Toby and
an arsenal of pharmaceuticals, enough to last a decade for the small contingent.
Kirsten is Phil's first ex. Toby is Phil's second ex. It must sound crazy I know, compared
to the rest of this story, but Phil and his 2 ex's get along quite well.

Later, that evening, I held the Amulet of Oscar again in my hands, and again, was overcome.
I retrieved the orbs, I knew what was to be done -- open the beer. It was a party, quite
a bash. Everyone got smashed, including my live-in partner, Marcia, and her childhood friend,
Janette. I cannot tell you the exact details of the night, but I can tell you when I awoke, all
4 women were unrobed. I can tell you that there were no longer 9 orbs, but, 5. I'll let you
draw your own conclusions as to the method... But, now, inside of each woman, something is growing.
And, it's growing fast. Thank god the world has not gone nuclear, for I have to feed each woman hourly,
what I would call enough food for 3 people, a big meal. I don't know what it is, exactly that
is growing in their wombs, but they are already showing as if they were 3 months pregnant with a
human child, and there is movement.

And, I can tell you, without hesitation, it is a good thing that has happened. There is much joy
in Oscarton, no ill-feelings reside here, toward mankind or beast. All is One, One is All here.

5 orbs remain. I know, and you must surely know too, that they rightly belong to you, Lord Uthor Scarfire.

This is my truth, my understanding of Oscar that I send to you, Lord Uthor Scarfire, Governor General of the Imperial Legion, Baron of New Oscarville

Praise Oscar, we commence our trek to New Oscarville at sun's first ray in the morning!

[Pobeka]

61. Pobeka, Grand Leader of Oscarton, kicks this thread.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

60. What hath Oscar rot!?!

I just read this magnifcient and fabulous thread
and I'm sure if Oscar could read he would be honored
and humbled and thrilled and wondering like I am
how some quick cash could be made out of it.

[TrogL]

62. there may be technological spinoffs

from whatever it/he/she is building in the attic. Sort of like how we got Teflon and the microprocessor as spinoffs from the space race.

[Pobeka]

63. For God's sake, STOP CLICKING THE REMOTE!

Oh, what have I done? The women, are having spurious fits of rage, each lasting about the length of a TV commercial.

For the love of God, please stop -- uh, oh, I gotta hide again.

[TrogL]

64. I'm not clicking the remote - I'm not home

Everybody at home is supposed to be sleeping...

...except the kitten...

...never, ever trust a kitten.

It's been acting strange ever since those wierd characters started showing up on the tv screen.

I'm also worried about the altar the cats are building on top of their scratching post.

[Pobeka]

67. I CONFESS!!! I must come clean

This is hard to say. Please forgive me. You see, I always wanted to have a cult following, and be a leader, with unquestioned power of at least a small group of people. And so, when I read of Oscar, and read this thread, and the jar of plutonium disappeared (yes, all those parts are true), I started thinking, formulating...

But thinks have gotten horribly out of control. As I sit here in Oscarton, looking at what can only be called carnage, I realized that for the sake of others, I must come clean, because I was ill-prepared to lead these people, particularly when the basis of my plan was based on a lie.

The basic facts of my tale are true -- the tuft of fur, the missing jar of plutonium, the orbs, the lead-lined room, the women, beer, the party, the impregnation of the women with the orbs. But I spun those facts to help build my cult. And it worked, for a little while. People were willing to believe, and I was stoked by the power trip.

But, the simple fact is, I'm an idiot. I had no clue what I was doing, I only grasped the faintest notion of what Uncle Leonard was talking about. But that didn't matter, because I got my little fiefdom, and I was a small dictator I always wanted to be.

Since last I gave details of Oscarton, this is what happened:

The women started raging uncontrollably at times, I still think it might be related to the missing remote (-- decyphering the strange letters may be critical to saving humanity), it was not a mild rage. They inflicted serious wounds on the men.

Later that day, the rage started, and never stopped. It was as if they knew their bodies had been used without permission, and they were striking back. And in the evening, all 4 gave birth, to 4 grotesque little creatures. You see, I think those orbs were created by Oscar. But Oscar is no Uncle Leonard. The creatures, mercifully, died within a few short hours, unfit for life outside the womb.

The women, are still angry as hornets, and the last thing they did before they left was to beat me so badly that I believe I'm going to lose the use of my right hand, it is hanging limply. I think the women have started their own abortion rights group.

Phil, ran out of the room when the creatures were born, mumbling something about me being a stupid son of a bitch. Toby is still sitting in the corner of the room, hidden under a blanket and babling incoherently.

Let me warn you all now -- should you see any more orbs that Oscar has created, leave them lying alone, they are evil, and apparently indestructible, and if you look closely at them, the faintest little lettters are visible "P" "O" "G" -- or maybe I read those backwards. If you see a tuft of hair, don't make it into a religious amulet -- it's just a tuft of hair for god's sake.

And finally, the moral from this sad adventure: If you're going try to lead people, be honest, and, ... smart.

[Exultant Democracy]

68. All is not well in New Oscarville

I know that all communities go through their own hardships, but I come to you today with a sobering (I’m shit faced) tale of misfortune. All of this misfortune sadly has to deal with Oscarvilles formally most eminent citizen Dr. Lewis.

It was this morning that I first got the notion that today was going to be a miserable on miserable. Dr. Lewis had called me over, jokingly, to ask about another one of those “hard words,� what a joker. The word turned out to be vitamin, it turned out that our good doctor was reading up on scurvy (the guy is sharp.) While I may be a proud man, jealous about my leadership of my little community, when it comes to the health of my subjects, Dr. Lewis, is the boss. So sensing his concern I decided to take an inventory of our food stores.

Now let me take a moment to give you some advice on what to do before an apocalypse, some people might tell you to “Buy your guns and ammo first, then when you go to the supermarket you don't have to wait in those pesky lines, or pay with money that you already spent on you private arsenal,� this I have found is a mistake, and I would not suggest it to anyone. The problem is that when you walking to a supermarket guns ablaze, there is a tendency toward chaos, and under these chaotic conditions it is hard to maintain any type of quality control.

It was this very lack of quality control that may have doomed out little community, because apparently for some reason that I can hardly fathom we are now stocked with enough pet food to feed us for years, but little else of any nutritional value. The only source of Vitamin C is a box of raisins that I have now locked up with the ammo. We had a bag of oranges before, but I think one of the bag boys (shady characters) ate them all. The good news is that we have plenty of food so as not to starve, but if we end up down here for a long stretch of time there is no way we will avoid the ravages of scurvy.

The next bad turn on my miserable day came in the afternoon. Lauren, Lady of New Oscarville, was complaining about my facial hair, so I decided to have myself a nice shave. I had remembered reading that in the olden days, barbers were also surgeons. Although I felt bad wasting his considerable genus on such a mundane task, I eventually asked the good, Dr. Lewis, to give me a little trim and shave.

Dr. Lewis, always the kidder, started to joking around says, “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. Teacher says I can’t play with scissor.� Well at this point Dr. Lewis had been messing around all day, coming up to me for help on word after word, and honestly the whole “I’m stupid� joke was really starting to wear thin. This is when I made my biggest mistake so far, I yelled at him, I told him I was sick of his jokes and I wanted him to shut up and shave. I realize now what an error that was, with a genus like Dr. Lewis’ you have to be sensitive, and go along with their little quirks, I’m sure the Pope never yelled at Michelangelo.

What happened next will chill you to your bones, Dr. Lewis blade in hand attempted to assassinate me. When the blade cut into my flesh I was sure I was a goner but, thank Oscar, Dr. Lewis missed my jugular. My wife shouting, “what the hell is the idiot doing with that flat blade,� was quick enough to grab the blade from Dr. Lewis’ trembling hand before he worked up his courage for another go at his master.

While I know it was my harsh words that pushed Dr. Lewis over the edge, I also realize that it was only a matter of time before a man of his intelligence and ambition would have tried to take me out to become the new top banana. There was just no room in New Oscarville for both, Dr. Lewis, and Myself.

Rest in peace, Dr. Lewis, rest in peace.

[Pobeka]

69. Aaaayiii, misfortune everywhere, but one, small glimmer of hope

I scrounged around in the rubble here at Oscarton, and found in the remnants of the box from the pharmacy, 10 bottles of Vitamin C.

I have no food, but vitamins. If you will have me, I will make the trek to New Oscarville with the vitamins. Have you a spare bag of Nibbles & Bits for a humbled man?

Sincerely,
Pobeka, failed leader of Oscarton

[Exultant Democracy]

71. WTF? What happened to my punctuation and what is "an’"

It seems as if the radiation is starting to have it's effect.

[TrogL]

70. Discussion continues here...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=663920