What advice should I give my mother about her husband?

[AnnabelLee]

Apparently, my mother's husband, to whom she has been married for about seven years, is pressuring her to change her will & leave everything to him if she should pass away first. I know very little about her financial affairs, except that she has told me that her estate is to be divided equally among her daughters--her husband can continue to live in the house (which is in my mother's name only) until his death, & I do know that they signed a pre-nuptial agreement.

My mother left a message on my answering machine yesterday. In a quavering voice, she said, "I'd like to get get together with you to talk about...some things...don't call me back, I'll call you again". After hearing her sound so obviously upset, I couldn't decide what to do; then one of my sisters called me & told me what was going on. (This sister is not quite all there, if you know what I mean, so my mother had to have been very upset to tell her anything of a personal nature).

I've never liked her husband, although I don't think my mother realizes this. He seldom leaves the house on his own, & insists on going everywhere with her, so she has great difficulty in being able to find the right time to talk without him around. Additionally, she fears he may have tapped into the phone lines, so she is afraid to talk about any of this on the phone. My mother is very comfortable financially, while he has only his SS check. She pays for their private medical insurance, their time-share vacations, she bought his car, she bought the house, etc. They had an agreement that he would pay the electric bill & the satellite TV bill, both of which he has been letting pile up.

My mother has always been a very strong woman, & why she is letting this man control her in this fashion is beyond me. IMO, he is emotionally abusing her. She takes her marriage vows very seriously, though, so I don't think I can broach the subject of divorce with her. I called her & when he went into the bathroom for a minute (he also has the most obnoxiously rude habit of picking up the extension & listening in on conversations, which I never found to be sinister until now) I told her that I had talked to my sister. She knew what I meant, & said, "I'm mailing you something...I think all you kids should have a copy...I can't mail it from here, though, so it will be a few days". I can only think she was referring to her will.

Does anyone have any thoughts about this? Any advice would be much appreciated.:-(

[Cleita]

1. I would get her, you and your siblings an appointment with

and estate lawyer. Discuss options with him. She could put the bulk of her estate in living trusts for you guys, taking the money out of the estate altogether. She can still collect the income until she passes away. This also avoids the estate tax problem. But it depends on your state and whatever kind of pre-nuptial she signed so you really need to see a lawyer.

[AnnabelLee]

3. Thanks for the reply

I'll write down "living trust" so I don't forget to tell her when I have a chance to talk with her privately.

[DuctapeFatwa]

2. Your mom needs to talk to a professional

Ultimately, whether to do so is her decision, as are any decisions about her will.

If she is older, one possible alternative might be for her to make gifts now to you and your sister, so that she has very little to "leave."

She should talk to a different kind of professional about that - an attorney who specializes in estate planning and probate.

[AnnabelLee]

4. Yes, everything is her decision

I hope I didn't give the impression that it is her money I am worried about. She is approaching 80, & I am afraid that her husband will wear her down so much that she will become physically sick from worrying. When she told me she was sending me "a copy", I told her (trying to be cryptic in case her husband is recording her conversations) that I didn't care about that, & I was concerned about things on her end.

I will also write down your suggestion about gifting. Thanks.:-)

[DuctapeFatwa]

7. I mean that she is no different from any other woman in an abusive

relationship. Sorry to be blunt. I think you are concerned about your mom, which is normal.

But as you know if you have ever had a friend in an abusive relationship, you cannot make someone get help/get out.

They have to decide that for themselves, and do it for themselves, and their children.

About the most you can do is get her to a counselor on the pretext that it is you or your sister who needs her in on the session as a family thing, and let things take their course once she gets there.

My speculation is that she is extremely distressed by the prospect of leaving her daughters with nothing in order to avoid displeasing a man she feels she cannot do without.

You have to dig her out of that. The rest is up to her.

[AnnabelLee]

8. I agree with your speculation

she is extremely distressed by the prospect of leaving her daughters with nothing in order to avoid displeasing a man she feels she cannot do without.

It's a somewhat shocking realization for me; no one else can stand this man. He's rude, boorish, & childish in the extreme. He's a know-it-all who knows virtually nothing, & whenever he buys a new camera or television, etc., he practically shoves it in your face...it's as if he wants us to say how much we envy his possessions. He makes me sick, actually.

[VOX]

13. If she's is almost 80, get an attorney prepare a durable power of attorney

for health care in *your* name only. This will allow you -- and you only -- to make the various difficult decisions about your mom's medical care should she find herself in a tough spot healthwise, and she is unable to act.

This document is as important as the living trust! (Also, you need to be specified as the executor of your mom's estate.)

I understand that you don't want to be mercenary about your mom's estate -- but she worked all her lifetime for it, and then worked hard to save it all -- it shouldn't just be handed off on a technicality. I'm not sure about any differing state laws about community property, but generally, if one spouse dies, and there are no legal documents stating otherwise, the entire estate simply passes to the surviving spouse.

It is *imperative* that you and your mom speak to a competent attorney!

Good luck with this --

[AnnabelLee]

15. Oh, the POA is an excellent idea, thanks

I'll write that down, too. IIRC, my oldest sister is the executrix as things stand now.

[SlavesandBulldozers]

5. i'd say

take your mom out of the house, leave Joe Sixpack there to wallow in freakish misery forever. you need to make decisions for her now, just as she would when you were a kid, and it seems like she is in a situation that is both beyond her and detrimental to her.

[AnnabelLee]

9. I'm trying to think of a diplomatic way

to tell her she is in an abusive relationship. She is so, um, old-fashioned is the word I'm looking for, I guess, that she has no concept that she doesn't deserve to be treated like this, & doesn't have to put up with it if she doesn't want to. I just can't understand it...my father was the exact opposite of this man--he worked hard & took good care of my mother & us when we were kids.

[enough]

6. I don't know what age your mother is, but

A lot of older women seem to be unable to free themselves of some deep feeling that they are supposed to be essentially in bondage to their husbands.

My mother is like this. She was a spirited, smart, active woman who had her own career. But as she got older she seemed to revert to the OLD way. By this time, in their eighty's, you would think she was an old-fashioned wife from a hundred years ago. I do not understand what hold it is that these men have over them. I really hate it and can hardly stand to be around them. When they were younger, they were strong, lively, equal partners.

I think your mother is giving you VERY strong signals that she is afraid and knows that she won't be able to withstand the pressure from this man. It sounds as if she may be afraid of him physically also. I don't know what advice you should give her, but do try to give her every possible opportunity to tell you what is going on. Is there any way that you or one of your siblings could invite her to come stay with you by herself for a visit?

On edit:

No question this guy is abusing her emotionally if not physically. Any time a woman can't communicate with someone she wants to communicate with because her husband won't let her -- that is the classic sign of abuse. I agree with Soundgarden. Get her out of there.

[AnnabelLee]

10. My mother also waits on this creep hand & foot

She'll be in the kitchen making a meal, & he's out on the couch watching tv, hollering over his shoulder wanting to know why it's taking so long.:mad:

He talks incessantly, telling the same tired old stories about what a great driver he is, how he's a licensed private investigator, how he picked up a "like new" camcorder at a rummage sale for $10, how the ships in the Navy in WWII had waiters in the mess hall with white towels over their arms. He's crazy, IMO...I've watched my mother disassociate herself & stare out the window while he talks. She's taught herself to tune all of it out.

[supernova]

12. Good God, he sounds like my ex!

My ex couldn't stop talking about what a success he was on the high school debate team. And a constant name-dropper, as if he were successful merely by association.

God this shit makes me angry. :grr:

[AnnabelLee]

14. Agghhh! The name-dropping!

He does that, too. And it's all complete bullshit!:grr:

I'm so glad he's your "ex", now!:thumbsup:

[supernova]

16. You bet

but I was the one you leave. I knew I couldn't make him leave. He just wouldn't. So I walked. Best decision I've ever made. My life is sane again. That was 7 years ago.

The constant talking is really a form of control. That way they conveniently avoid talking to you or asking or helping you get what you want.

My heart goes out to your mom. Poor dear, to be putting up with this *&^%()^$^@&*@ at this stage of her life yet! :grr: :grr: :grr:

[supernova]

11. Yep

Do get her out of there, pronto. She might need to revisit her final plans, but she certainly shouldn't be doing it under duress. And yes, arrange to see an estate planning attorney. Make whatever plans she wants, then tell him what the deal is afterwards. He will either live with it or leave.

There is no good time to leave an emotional abusing partner. They will always rant and rave about it.

[Susang]

17. My grandmother is in a similar situation

Only her husband has money too, he's just a control freak. My grandma gave my mother her power of attorney in case she is unable to take care of her own business. I think you might suggest to her that she do the same with you having the power of attorney. That way, you can protect her and her assets legally as well as emotionally. Good luck! :)

on edit: Oh yeah, get a copy of that pre-nup stat! You need to have a copy of it to help protect her. Get copies of everything you can and talk to her lawyer!

[AnnabelLee]

18. Good for your Grandma

on the POA decision. As for my mother's pre-nup, I also remember now that her husband is denying signing it. As if that makes it so! The guy is mentally unbalanced if he thinks he can deny signing it & make it go away, but I'm kind of afraid of what he might do if he actually believes that.:scared: