Why do people waste their energy being mean?

[LaraMN]

I pride myself on being nice and friendly with all my classmates at school. In my argumentation class, when someone else is giving a speech, I go out of my way to be attentive to and supportive of them, especially if they are nervous about it.

Last night, I had a group roundtable presentation with five of my other classmates. I dressed up a little, because that's typically what we do when have a presentation.

As soon as I walked into class, one of the girls who sits near me said, in an ultra-sarcastic, nasty voice, "geez, Lara, maybe you should go on Slim-Fast."

I immediately felt like I had to defend my size. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm aware that I'm small, but how the hell is that any of her business, and why would she say something nasty to me, when I've never been anything but nice to everyone?

It hurt my feelings. I wouldn't make a snotty comment like, "maybe you should go eat more xyz" to someone I perceived as overweight; I would never cut someone down for any of their physical characteristics. I don't understand the need to be cruel to other people, for no reason. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, because of my size, nor do I think I'm worse. Wtf?

[MissMillie]

1. I always cringe when people talk about doing something just to "piss off" someone else

Even when you're right about something you may be arguing about, it's not right to do something JUST to piss someone off.

I think it's the mark of a small person.

(on edit: I think a lot of people spend their energy "knocking down" other people in order to make themselves feel better about themselves.)

[LaraMN]

2. Yeah. I try to make my interactions with other people positive ones,

unless they SERIOUSLY give me cause to do otherwise.
I guess that's not everyone's goal.

[Writer]

3. Lara, that was an incredible display of jealousy and insecurity on that girl's part.

Think of that girl's comment as a cut-down on herself. Does she think she's not thin enough? Be proud of who you are. People suck, Lara. And the mean ones are a waste of time.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. :hug:

[LaraMN]

7. Probably. I just felt like she hated me, and I've never done anything

to warrant her dislike. It's an icky feeling.

[Writer]

11. It certainly sounds like there's no love lost there...

she sounds like an entirely insecure person that I would never want to spend time with myself. I hope there are kinder, more secure people in the class you can talk to. Leave the insecure one to chew on herself in the corner.

[raccoon]

18. I totally agree with Writer's opinion.

And I second, sorry that happened to you.

I'm like you, I probably would've been too surprised to respond.

BUt I think 2 good responses would be:

"How does that concern you?" along with giving her a look as if to say, "You big fool."

"That was an incredible display of jealousy and insecurity on your part."
(Paraphrasing Writer's post.)

[Shell Beau]

4. They are simply jealous of you!

And some poeple are so insecure of themselves that they have to bring others down with them! Just ignore!! :)

[LaraMN]

8. I pretty much ignored it. I was too shell-shocked to repond, anyway.

A couple of the other girls in class jumped in and tried to turn it into a compliment, which was nice of them. But I was pissed, insulted, and hurt. I have a hard time brushing it off when someone is just outright nasty to me.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

5. Some people's flux capacitors are reversed.

For instance, thay may find jumping around all night in a room crowded with other people and loud music gives them energy. In the same period, I need an even more bizarre activity -- sleeping.

LIkewise, some people need peace to survive, while others feel like they're wearing a fur coat in Arizona in August if they aren't fighting somebody.

[LaraMN]

10. She is a rather inflammatory type.

Maybe she was bored, and ripping on me provided her some degree of excitement.

[raccoon]

22. I think you have something there. Some people love to fight.

I can't understand that mentality. :shrug:

[THUNDER HANDS]

6. it's simple insecurity

people who are happy with who they are don't care about the faults of others, and wouldn't even waste the time and energy necessary to bring it up in conversation.

[LaraMN]

14. You're probably right.

I should probably feel sorry for her.
She's an intelligent, pretty girl. If she's that insecure, it's pretty sad- she doesn't need to be.

[1gobluedem]

9. Insecurity

That's the only reason. Don't let it get you down.

[LaraMN]

15. I won't. I'll just chalk it up to being her problem.

Thanks.
:hug:

[meegbear]

12. "Thanks! You know, you show consider coloring your hair a different color"

[LaraMN]

16. She actually has really beautiful hair.

See- I can't even LIE and be mean!

:rofl:

[BluePatriot]

13. Blow it off.

Whatever, they're just insecure and full of drama. If I come in to my office dressed up the girls around me turn a shade colder...then check their makeup more often. They're just jealous.

[LaraMN]

17. It's almost the end of the semester, anyway.

I think people get more catty, under stress.

[skygazer]

19. Some people think they're being witty

They cut down one person to score points with other people. It's stupid because although people may laugh at their salvos, they usually don't trust that person because they never know when it will be directed at them.

My late sister was the master of the cruel, cutting remark. She was someone who needed to be the center of attention and thought she was being witty - at the expense of someone else. She was an unhappy person who most people did not enjoy being around and she died lonely and bitter.

I think it's often a combination of insecurity and a need to be noticed but they don't know any positive ways to do it. Sorry that happened - it never feels good. :hug:

[Writer]

20. My sister is the same way.

My mom yucks it up with her when she does it, too. "Good job!" :thumbsdown:

[LaraMN]

21. That's sad about your sister.

I'm sorry she couldn't be a happier, better person. :-(

At least nobody laughed at the girl who ripped on me; I think they were all appalled.

[Blue-Jay]

23. If you'd have eaten a sandwich before the class,

you probably wouldn't be so grumpy.

:D

[Debi]

24. Without mean we wouldn't know what nice was?

:shrug:

I know I'm mean b/c sometimes I'm just a petty/vindictive person. Sad, and I shouldn't be that way, but I am :(.

[Writer]

25. Perhaps that's the first step... admitting that you're a vindiholic.

There should be a 12-step program to help people with this ailment. :)

[Debi]

28. I don't need help, I just need to cut down a little bit

:shrug:

[Writer]

31. Well I think it's cool that you are that honest about yourself.

Most people instead spend precious time trying to justify their actions.

[Debi]

35. I wish I had a little electric shock mechanism in me that went off

whenever a sarcastic or biting comment was forming on my lips. That'd train me into being a nicer person right quick! :7

[Writer]

39. Well if you're going to be this forthright...

and others who are likely far, far worse than you will never be, then I would kindly ask to borrow your electric shock mechanism so that I can "cure" a few others. :P

[Debi]

44. Now you're being mean to all the other meanies out there

See how easy it is??!! :hug: *sigh*

[hfojvt]

32. nobody can be nice or pretend to be nice all the time

Is it nice to pretend?

I wrote this earlier:

I think you give evil too much credit.

"a world without evil would be a static one?"
So if there was no such thing as murder, rape, genocide, war, torture, theft, tsunamis or childhood diseases nothing would ever happen? That if all we had to do was play, sing, dance, eat good food, socialize, make love, raise children, etc that there would be nothing to learn and no point to anything?
Sure good means something without evil. You think I need to experience a punch in the nose in order to appreciate a kiss? You think that pizza would not taste good unless I know what lima beans taste like? I do not see how pain is necessary in order to appreciate pleasure.


But mean is not always evil. Sometimes being mean to the bullies, thieves and liars is the right thing to do.

[Debi]

33. That is a very deep response

to a shallow and flippant comment.

:hi:

And I think mean and evil are two different things (evil being the greater of the two).

[jobycom]

26. Obviously insecurity on her part. People use the insults they are most afraid of.

With me, my most common insults (always when provoked) are to call people stupid, or some variation. That's my worst insecurity, I think--being thought of as stupid. Her worst concern may be gaining weight. Probably mixed with insecurity because you were dressed better than her. And, judging by her lack of subtlety or creativity even in cruelty, she probably knew your presentation would be better.

In short, pity her, for she feels inferior to you, and does not have the self-confidence to make herself feel better. Don't be insulted, laugh about it (that's also the way to survive in GD).

But if that's not enough, here are some good replies:

Self-deprecating: "I do! I drink a gallon a day, at least!"

Mean: "But if I got thinner, then you'd have to get smart and pretty."

Scary: "What's your speech on? Mine's called 'Seung-hui Cho: An underachiever?'" (Okay, use that one only if you want to spend some time in jail or being evaluated).

Creepy: Stare at her with a knowing smirk until she squirms away.

Intimidating: Sit on her desk, lean over her, and give her your best Tony Soprano smile.

Crude: Belch at her.

Direct: Grab her desk, flip it over, then kick her in the back of the head. (Okay, again, you might wind up in jail for that one).

Honest: "You ain't worth my time, little girl."

Just some thoughts. If I were you, I'd ignore me! :)

[hfojvt]

27. If you are not over-weight, then how is it not a compliment?

You are reading something into tone of voice, which may or may not be jealous. The remark directly translates into 'wow, you look great, I am kinda jealous'.

You cannot turn that around and compare that to a compliment to an overweight woman, because being overweight is not considered to be a good thing for a woman, except among some guys who like that type.

I think you should have taken it as a compliment. Even the 'I am kinda (or is it very) jealous' part is a compliment too. Even if it is not meant as a compliment, treating it as one makes it ineffectual as an insult.

[LaraMN]

36. It's not a compliment. It's an assertion that I'm excessively thin.

Which is a subjective notion, at best. I can't do much about it, and I'm not unhealthily thin, so I didn't appreciate the comment.

[hfojvt]

40. I have said the same thing on DU a few times

when people bash super-models for being so thin, call it sick, and unhealthy, etc. I say 'some people are that way naturally, or with very little effort. However I do not see an insult there. 'You definitely do not need slim-fast' could also mean 'you are in great shape'. It does not have to mean 'you are too thin'. I never appreciate comments about how thin I am either, but I am a guy and it's not considered a good thing when you are a guy. Her tone said that she was jealous. If she thought you were too thin, then why would she be jealous? Guys don't say that to me 'wow, you are so skinny, I am jealous'. Women do sometimes, but they don't seem to understand that it's not a compliment for a guy.

[Deja Q]

29. A Dalek once asked it best...

"Why do human beings kill other human beings?"

[hfojvt]

34. "seek! Locate! Exterminate!"

"Seek! Locate! Exterminate!"

Daleks can ask questions?

I think Paul said in Dune, something like 'In any region, the most serious competition is from your own species.'

Mostly it is over-population. My cousin used to have several large tanks of gerbils. If he took a gerbil from one tank and introduced it into another tank, the gerbils which were already there would kill it. In the natural world, they would just drive it away. But there's already not enough room and not enough food and nowhere to go, so 'outsiders' are not welcome.

[The2ndWheel]

30. By going out of your way to be nice

aren't you wasting energy to be nice?

By being this upset about it, aren't you wasting energy from going out of your way to be nice?

We're not efficient machines yet. For every person like you who goes out of their way to be nice, there will be someone who goes out of their way to be mean. Like I said, we're not quite machines, so we still have emotion to deal with, and people interact differently with people from person to person. We're not indentical yet, we don't just do the job and shut down, we're still just squishy life(some big, some small), imperfections and all.

[LaraMN]

37. I consider it worthwhile to go out of my way to be kind,

when kindness is deserved, because it betters my environment, and because I would appreciate the same treatment, were the tables turned.

Nothing good from unwarranted nastiness.

Oh well, you're right about it being a waste of my energy to dwell on it.

[Whoa_Nelly]

38. Next time she's mean/says something directly derogatory to you

Look her square in the eye, smile and say, "What a shame you're so sad and angry. There's just no help for you until you want to help yourself. Let me know when that happens, and I'll be there for you."


It's either that or the old: I am rubber. You are glue. Everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you. :eyes:


There will always be someone who meanly spouts off to others. And, until they make a choice to stop the vitriol, they continue to be their own worst enemy.

:hug: for you, LaraMN!

[Beer Snob-50]

41. has she tended to be bitchy before?

maybe it was just a lousy day. i try to give people the benefit of the doubt but if it happens more than once, i will make a snide comment back

[LaraMN]

45. In fact she has- just not to me.

I suppose it was just a matter of time...

[Skittles]

42. I would have kicked her ass good

she'd never say anything like that to me again and she'd think twice before saying something like that to someone else

[LaraMN]

46. I should have.

I need to find my inner Skittles.
:P

[ForrestGump]

43. Often insecurity. Sometimes just plain organic meanness.

Don't let the beeyotch get you down, whatever you do. She will get what is coming to her, with an attitude like that -- she may already have it, for all we know, because mean people are often miserable in their lives. My most recent supervisor (almost two years in the past now) was like that, actually, and because she was perhaps the worst and most vindictive boss I've ever had it was a source of some comfort, when she tried to mess with my welfare, that she was as thoroughly miserable as she apparently was and is.

When I first went to visit the institution where I did my PhD work, one of my advisor's other students told me point-blank, on first meeting, that she could tell I didn't have what it takes to earn the PhD or to do well in that field -- she said I was not cut out for it. I not only got the PhD but won all sorts of honors, fellowships, and faculty-level research grants along the way, and did above-and-beyond things like TV, writing for the general public, and getting notoriety for the quality of my talks to both professional and general audiences, and before I walked away from my field (for however long that will turn out to be) I landed one of the most prestigious postdoctoral positions possible. She never finished her PhD. 'Showing her' was not why I went all-out and became a hot shot in my field, but knowing that she saw me excel was a bonus. In the end, we got on friendly terms and I became one of the very few people that she trusted and felt great affection for.

So just do what you're doing and they'll either get more jealous or they'll come around, but you've got nothing to lose, either way. :hug:

[Wapsie B]

47. They're projecting their deep-seated anger onto you.

[stuntcat]

48. PROBLEMS

She has problems.. Issues.
Not only is that a stupid thing to say but she's just dragging you into her issues with weights. If anyone else heard what she said they should see what happened too.

This pisses me off and I wasn't there x(