Why are people friends with those who treat them like crap?

[YellowRubberDuckie]

I have a friend who always talks to me about how terrible all these people treat her. I said, they only do it because you let them. And she knows it...she's just scared that since her friend circle is so small, making it smaller is going to make her sad. What is wrong with people? I have a few close friends, some people I call friends, and then acquaintances. Those who I don't like are treated in a professional manner if I needs something work related. If I don't, these people are treated as not really there. It is their fault because at some point, they were rude or stupid to me.
So, my question is, how do you approach this problem. Do you cut those rude asshole inconsiderate people out, or do you bitch about them, but never really do anything about them?
Duckie

[sir_captain]

1. low self-esteem

generally, I would say. It's sad.

Such people need to learn to like themselves first, and then find a group of friends who appreciate them.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

2. That's probably it.

She's grown up with fundies, and is a republican, but she's open to new viewpoints. That's why we get along so well. She'll listen to the other side. She doesn't automatically dismiss them. I've changed her mind on a few things.
It's just sad she doesn't think she's worth what she is.
Duckie

[sir_captain]

5. It really is

I've known far too many people exactly like that. They usually need professional help, in my opinion. I hope your friend gets better.

[wildhorses]

6. do you really think the professionals help?

their success rate sucks last i heard:shrug:

[sir_captain]

17. It depends on a lot of things

how good the psychologist/psychiatrist is, how much the person really wants to get better, etc. But yes, I think it can be extremely helpful. I very firmly believe that there are deep-seated problems that it is impossible to sort through without help. Sometimes, they're too difficult to move past, even with help, but that's a depressing thought, so I'll try not to think about it for the moment.

[SPKrazy]

18. depends a lot on the motivation of the person

and the skills, competence, training of the professional


More importantly is the caring of the professional, do they really care, can they form a relationship with the person they are working with in order to help them figure out new ways to deal?

a lot depends on the friend, and if she is at a point where she is in enough internal pain and anxiety, or if she blows off steam and continues on.

Sometimes it really isn't helping the person to just let them blow steam because they then turn around and do it all again.

that's a hard line to draw and probably most people (friends) aren't going to feel that is a friendly attitude. It might in fact ruin a friendship, on the other hand it might help the person to change to stop giving them the option of venting about how bad everyone treats them.

okay, now i'm off on a side rant

it is sad

professionals can help, but not always

and :yourock:

[lildreamer316]

3. I am not scared of being alone.

She needs to learn not to be either. Then she comes from a place of strength.
I enjoy my own company much more than most other people's. The older I get; the more this is true.
Scary and funny, but true.
She basically needs to learn to like herself more--same as other poster said.
It just isn't worth the energy to put up with people you don't like/who don't like you. Total waste of time. Even boring, I'd say.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

4. She has me...she has family...

And she's starting a new job tomorrow at Old Navy. She's very excited, and she'll make a lot of new friends there. She just needs to recognize her worth. She's an awesome girl.
Duckie

[lildreamer316]

10. Well

it sounds like she has a good start ahead of her.
I hope she will do well. :)

[Manifestor_of_Light]

7. My parents were liberal democrats,

And they never told me to be assertive and stand up for myself.

So I went thru lots of hypercritical boyfriends/control freaks until I had a physical collapse when the 2nd husband was trying to nag me to death.

[militaryspouse]

8. ..

maybe she's like those girls in abusive relationships where she thinks she can change them?! I'm the type of person who can forgive small offenses pretty easily, but I don't get past the big ones, and I keep those ppl at arms length. Lifes too short to hang out with ppl who make you unhappy. Read my neighbor thread lol.

[TheBaldyMan]

9. Maybe they are by nature loyal and so stick by their friends

even if some of their friends are less than deserving of loyalty.

I recently cut ties with a very long standing friend. It was long overdue in retrospect but sometimes you stick by someone in the hope that they aren't past redemption. In my case I had to cut off a guy who used to be very left wing but went over to the dark side, eventually becomeing a full fledged nazi.

I bitched my head of for years before I saw the light.

As to your friend, I think if they have a well enough formed idea of who they are and what they stand for, she will be able to weather the storm. It's really up to the individual to make that decision. In the meantime, she shouldn't care what a bunch of assholes think of her. It sounds like they are trying to drag her down to their level. It's quite common with inadequate people, rather than admit they are hopeless themselves, they prefer to criticise and belittle all those around them.

[BlueIris]

11. In late 2003, my "friendships" of ten + years became so abusive

I was forced to see them for what they were: degrading, dehumanizing and harmful. I couldn't see it before it reached a certain point because all I had known of relationships of any kind was that sort of pain. As sick as this is, my "friends" had to do something so hurtful it was actually marginally worse than what my abusive family members had been doing to me my whole life for me to wake up. So, in short, I cut them all loose and refused to let them weasel their way back in. But it took their severe rejection and abandonment of me for me to recognize that I needed to do that.

People stick with unsatisfying or abusive friends for the same reason they stay with abusive partners, spouses, and employers: low self worth. If you don't understand that you are worthy of basic safety in this world, you will gravitate toward people and situations that often compromise your safety. Which is fucked up.

Tell your friend that it's better to be alone than wish she was. And that she is already without friends if her current set of "friends" is treating her like crap. She doesn't see it yet, but being alone, without others who actively contribute to her feelings of sadness, is better than tolerating the abuse in her extant social circle (such as it is).

[Courtesy Flush]

12. I have a friend who treats me like crap

I hardly ever talk to him anymore. One important rule of life is to avoid toxic people.

The irony is that this guy is only toxic to me. I thought he was one of the ball-breaker kind of guys who gives his buddies a hard time about everything. And that's fine. But I noticed that he doesn't do it to anyone else. We met through a messageboard, and for a long time I couldn't post anything without his predictable response, which was always a put-down. I even started posting under an assumed name, just to avoid this. But he met more and more people from the messageboard, and he never said a single negative thing about them. He's always posting a bunch of crap about how much he loves these buddies, and he's even put their pictures in his living room.

One of his favorite tricks was to call me from a gathering that I wasn't invited to, just to tell me how much fun I was missing. He never called to invite me. He only called to rub my nose in the fact that I wasn't included. He doesn't see it that way, of course, but the pattern has been consistent for years.

Most people who know him think he's the greatest guy in the world. He treats most people like gold, but he's always been a prick with me. I've called him on it many times, and he's gotten better, but it's still a problem, and I just don't bother with him anymore. Because we are both involved in the same messageboard (in which the members often meet each other for events), we'll have contact for years to come, but I have enough self esteem problems without seeking out abuse, so I keep my exposure to a minimum.

[Lil Missy]

13. I've had trouble standing up for myself in the past

But when I finally reach my limit .... WATCH OUT!! My wrath is pretty swift and wicked.

[malta blue]

14. It is truly difficult to wean yourself

from friends who treat you like crap if you have had family treat you like crap in the past. Perhaps this is an underlying cause....

I know that I mostly eliminate the jerks from my life, but I usually have trouble eliminating family members who consistently treat me like crap from my life. I am working on it now, though.

[raccoon]

15. "We are comfortable with the familiar, even if it is painful."

A counselor told me that once, and it is so true. It's the reason why people stay in abusive relationships.

[malta blue]

16. Thank you.

It will necessitate a huge leap for me, personally, to eliminate all those who treat me like crap, but at least now I have a mantra for it.

[BlueIris]

19. Kickin' it. Because this is a discussion worthy of our time. nt

[YellowRubberDuckie]

20. I'll take that as a compliment.

Thanks!

[BlueIris]

21. Sure thing.

I wish people would pay more attention to the topic of abusive friendships. Just as vile and damaging as any other kind of abusive situation.