My daughter's personality change?

[NewJeffCT]

My daughter turned four almost three months ago. Before that, she was always really outgoing & assertive. When we had a meeting with the director of her preschool/daycare, they told us that even though she was the youngest in her class, she was one of the most advanced children there, and that whenever the teacher gave them something new to do, our daughter always wanted to be the first. We were honestly worried that she would push other children around.
Last summer, we had a 4th of July pool party at my cousin's home. She has 6 boys that are her cousins, age 7 or 8 to 16. She had no problem going up to them at that time and asking them to play hide 'n' seek with her.

But the past few months, she has kind of gone into a shell at times. When I drop her off at preschool, she gets very clingy and doesn't want me to leave. The teacher has told us that several of the boys often push her around and that she doesn't tell them to stop or anything - she just stands there & cries. Last week, we brought her to the doctor over a fever and when the doctor checked her ears, he had to extract a piece of Floam from her ear. Our daughter said that two of the boys put it there. Now, we try to tell her if somebody does something bad, or something she doesn't want, that she said make sure to tell them "no" in a very clear & loud voice. And, if they keep doing it, that she should get the teacher.

Then, when we went to visit my cousin's home a month ago, she kept clinging to me and asking me if I would ask them to play hide 'n' seek with her.

There hasn't been any big "trauma" in our lives the past several months that I can recall that would have accounted for such a big 180. We moved to a new house 2 months ago, but she seems to like our new house and the neighborhood. But, I also don't know how the mind of a 4 year old works. For all I know, it could just be a phase she is going through, or maybe she is still getting used to the new house? And, this "shell" had started before the move. And, she has been in the same preschool/daycare since last summer.

Any ideas? Any tricks from more experienced parents in building a child's self-confidence?

[gollygee]

1. A move can do that to a kid

Change frightens them. She'll probably feel more confident as she adjusts to the new home.

[wildhorses]

2. i know this may sounds nuts ---but,

ballet, dance, tap, gymnastics lessons may help

on eidt....not ALL, pick one or two and see how she adjusts until you find her niche

[trof]

3. Yep. Worked wonders for our shy daughter.

Tap, ballet when she was 5 and 6.
Modeling lessons as young teen.
Gave her a lot of poise and self-confidence.

[NewJeffCT]

6. she is taking ballet & tap

and, also is starting an art class this week, and has a weekly computer class. She is also going to sign up for a Chinese dance class & Chinese language class as well.

(the art class is just for a month to see if she likes it or not)

I was also thinking of signing her up for some sort of martial arts class as well. But, she might be a bit too young for that.

[wildhorses]

10. sounds like you are doing too much

she may be feeling pressure to be 'perfect' and the 4y/o concept of perfect would be 'distorted'

concentrate on the classes she really likes and excels and drop the rest of them. spend a lot of quality time as a family unit....more so than usual until she feels more secure in her new environment. mommy and daughter time is important also...

[NewJeffCT]

12. I don't think it's too much

the ballet/tap is once per week, and the same with computer class, and both are part of her preschool program. And, she is the one that insisted on signing up for the Chinese dance class (which doesn't start full-time until the fall) and she would also sign up for swimming if we let her

And, my daughter is closer to me than my wife. I'm the one that drops her off in the morning and picks her up at night (most of the time) and spends more time with her. So, extended mommy-daughter time would be something unusual for my daughter.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

16. It's not too early for martial arts at all.

I think she would be very well served, especially if she's being picked on. It would give her the confidence to stand up for herself, while also learning lessons about honor and pride.

[Kali]

41. no offense, but let the poor kid be a kid.

too much scheduled, pre-programmmed crap for a 4 year old. Hell that's too much stuff for an adult!

[NewJeffCT]

43. I don't feel it's a lot

Except for the Chinese language class, all of these classes are part of the school day there. The CLS class doesn't even start until the fall.

We signed her up for art class because she asked us at least half a dozen times to go. We only signed her up for a 4 classes - one each Monday for four weeks.

Tuesday is the computer class.

Wednesday is her dance class, which includes tap & ballet.

They also have swimming as well, but we did not sign her up for that (she gets cold very easily and didn't want her getting wet for swim class in winter...)

So, right now she has 3 in-school classes each week - one for dance, one for computers and one for art.

[Arkansas Granny]

46. It sounds like she has an awful lot on her plate for a 4 year old.

I don't know your child, but with all of that going on plus a move to a new house she may be feeling stress. Is she participating in all of these activities because she wants to or could she feel that she needs to do them for you? I don't mean that to sound tacky, but sometimes we try so hard to give our children the best that we sometimes overwhelm them. She might feel that by not doing these activities she would be disappointing you.

[NewJeffCT]

48. see my post above

Right now, she has three "extra" classes that are part of her normal school day. Each class is once per week, and the art class is something she asked for several times.

[Deep13]

4. Something bad is happening at school.

Find out what it is and put a stop to it.

[wildhorses]

7. it could be but, the change was also instrumental

if she acquires self esteem she should be able to deal with 'normal' probelms...if they persist i would consider further investigation of these boys...

right now, i am inclined to think that this is their 4y/o way of 'paying her attention'...i think they like her and are expressing it in typical 4y/o 'boy' behavior

[Deep13]

9. Bullshit. She is being traumatized.

Do something about it. Self esteem has nothing to do with it.

[elehhhhna]

24. Yep. And where are the ADULTS while this is happenning DAILY??

Time to talk to the preschool management.

Regression can be triggered by a move, etc. That's normal. More Mommy time WILL help, but please talk to the preschool people about better supervision, today.

[SmokingJacket]

14. I agree with this. nt

[trof]

5. Could be the move.

How long before the move did she know it was going to happen?
'Change' could date from then.
Kids deal with big changes, good or bad, in different ways.

[NewJeffCT]

8. It's possible - we had been planning to move for a while

before we actually moved - spent a lot of Sundays visiting houses, preparing our old house to be sold, etc.

[Zuiderelle]

11. It's the boys' bullying. The teacher should put a stop to it.

She is learning how to be intimidated and bullied and how to go into a shell to protect herself. She is learning that this is a good survival technique, because NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING TO STOP IT. How on earth does that teacher, or anyone else, think that a 4 year-old girl can protect herself in any way from the bullying of MULTIPLE 4 year-old boys?

Assertiveness and confidence would not help, it would just exacerbate the situation. We learn from what we experience and your child is learning how to handled being bullied in the best way she can. She shouldn't have to be learning this lesson right now. Later in life, after she has learned confidence, she could deal with this, but there's no way in hell that it's ok for anyone to allow a 4 year-old to be bullied. She WILL be affected badly by this if anyone allows it to continue.

You should take your child out of that school if it is so horrible that it would allow this kind of behavior.

[wildhorses]

13. a parent/techer conference would be helpful

and indeed, if boys are allowed to gang up on anyone...i would consider another school. i also stand my concept that it is time for her mother to be developing a more intimate relationship with her daughter...slowly, over time. she needs female role model...at this time as she is becoming aware of gender differences.

[NewJeffCT]

15. My wife spoke with the teacher this morning

The other girls don't have the problem of the boys pushing them around. They have been keeping an eye out for her the past several weeks, but they can't always keep an eye on them 100% of them time.

[politicat]

31. The other girls don't have the problem because your daughter is the target.

This is a classic case of girl out-grouping paired with boy-team aggression and unfortunately, your daughter is the target. Your daughter takes the fall (for some reason) and the girls don't mind because they're not getting pushed around; the boys have a target and it's not them.

Ask that the boys be separated into separate pods and that an aide be assigned primary watch status on your daughter.

Good luck.

[Fleshdancer]

45. That answer is a BIG red flag

First of all, just because the other girls aren't being pushed doesn't make it ok for your daughter to be pushed. Singling out one kid is what bullies do.

Second of all, a doctor had to extract floam from your daughter's ear. While teachers can't "keep an eye on them 100% of the time", when doctors are extracting toys out of your kid's body parts because of bullies, then the teacher is not doing his/her job.

Please DO NOT accept this as an answer. More than likely, this teacher knows exactly who is doing the pushing and the bullying. Schedule a face to face meeting with the teacher and the Principal and demand they speak with the parents of the bully.

[Blue Diadem]

17. Maybe it's a combination of the boys tormenting and the move

Try to think about it as a little child. You move to a new house, so things are unfamiliar, perhaps even a little scary. Boys at school push you around, even to the point of placing something in your ear. How in the world did they get the piece that far into her ear? Did they hold her down and poke it in her ear?

Obviously the teacher knows about the boys being pushy. I'd have to ask if the boys are being reprimanded and their parents contacted. Yes, your daughter should feel confident to tell them to stop..but she also needs to feel protected and it seems that with the teacher knowing about the problem and if it's been ongoing, there may be a problem with that particular teacher/school/daycare.

[NewJeffCT]

18. She's not exactly clear when explaining it

I think they maybe they came up behind her & did it.

[Jackpine Radical]

19. I don't know what's going on. It could be the move AND the

bullying, or it could be something else entirely. Personally, I would find a good child psychologist and discuss the problem. A few sessions of play therapy, for example, might reveal what is really going on.

[Gormy Cuss]

21. I was about to post similar advice.

If she's not articulating her concerns to her parents it may be time to involve someone trained to help children do just that.

[skygazer]

20. It's up to a four year old to tell a group of boys to stop pushing her around?

WRONG! Of course she stands there and cries - what the heck else is she supposed to do? She's being bullied by a group - that's frightening for anyone and difficult for a much older kid to stop. A four year old is not going to be able to take control of a situation like that. And it seems obvious to me that her intimidation by these boys at school has spilled over so that she's intimidated by her cousins, a similar group of boys. That's terrible.

The way to build her self-confidence is to have people around her who she can trust - like the teachers at her preschool who need to get a handle on this instead of expecting a little girl to solve it. :grr:

Frankly, if I were her parent, I'd want to know why these boys have not been corraled and why the teachers are doing nothing to stop bullying that's gotten so extreme that they've managed to insert something in my kid's ear! You need to get more pro-active about protecting your daughter - she's not old enough to do it herself.

[NewJeffCT]

22. I think it's one or two boys most of the time

And, the other girls in the school don't have the problem.

The teachers have been keeping an eye on her, but they can't watch them for every second, especially when they go outside.

[skygazer]

23. Well, I honestly think your giving the teachers too much of a pass

Since they're aware there's a problem and since your daughter actually had something stuffed in her ear, they should make a point of watching every second at least for a while and especially when they're outside. If the other girls don't have the problem, that simply makes my point - your daughter is being singled out and I personally think the teachers should make a point of being on top of it so as soon as it begins, those boys can be disciplined.

They're not going to stop if nobody's catching them at it and your daughter is not going to be able to stop them, no matter how much self-esteem she has. It's beyond a 4 year old to stop bullies.

[philosophie_en_rose]

25. I agree. The teachers are responsible for supervising the kids.

It is a lot of pressure on a four year-old to have to supervise bullies on the playground, especially when she's the target. It's the teacher's job to make the boundaries to clear and to monitor the class. Even if something happens, the teacher needs to react quickly and effectively.

I think it's unfair to a four year old to put the burden on her. It's not her job to watch the other kids.

I do think it's a great idea for the daughter to be taught to say no. The bullies are teaching her to be timid and to not be "that girl" who tattle tales. But she should have some support. Someone needs to teach all of the children in that class that it is not okay to treat others poorly. That requires an adult.

On edit: If any of the girls are abused, it is a problem for all of the children, but especially the girls. It is vile to let a group of bystanders ignore when other people are abused.

[Zuiderelle]

26. I couldn't agree more.

It can be hard sometimes to guage the severity of a situation when you are not witness to it, but when one is faced with direct evidence, the foam in her ear, there's no question that what is going on is unacceptable. The teacher who is not preventing this or reporting it or doing squat about it should be reprimanded and fired.

[elehhhhna]

27. Ahem, "the other girls in the school don't have the problem"

is IMO a bullshit cop out blame the victim excuse the "teachers" gave you. PLEASE do not buy into it. She's four. She's only four. She's so very young and tender.

Fix it or get her out of there, please, stat.

[NewJeffCT]

28. Don't worry

we're fixing it. We didn't know about the floam incident until Friday, and the teachers had been keeping a closer eye on her over the past few weeks.

[Whoa_Nelly]

29. Instead of asking for insight here, perhaps you should consider consulting

a pediatric therapist who can help your daughter express what's going on with her. At age 4, children lack the ability to verbally express, much less understand, what has been happening to them in terms of external psychological events.

What you've written sounds very serious in terms of personality change. Generally, 4-year olds become more outgoing, not less, as they start employing their perceptions of the ins and outs of social behavior per their developmental level.

Your concerns are valid. Am putting my 2 cents in here by suggesting you seek advice and insight from a professional.

[coffeenap]

30. I agree with WN. I got a quick gut reaction when I read the part

about the gathering with all of the male cousins. Could something have happened that day that might have changed her subconscious attitude about boys? Just going with the gut, here. No expertise except personal parenting experience. Best wishes.

[NewJeffCT]

33. No, it was before that

When we got together with the "cousins" over Christmas, she was fine. They actually treat her very nicely in between their playing of video games inside, and whatever they do outside (basketball, baseball, etc)... they even had her on a trampoline last year and the six of them stood on the edges so she could jump up & down in the middle and be safe. It's not an easy task to get 6 boys in that age range to help out a then 3 year old girl when they could just as easily have said, "we're going to play baseball/basketball/etc" instead and just let her be by herself.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

36. That was my initial reaction, too

Could one of the older boys tried something sexual--which would have been traumatizing and would have made her afraid of boys.

Also, I seriously wonder if she's overscheduled. Look at it this way. She's away from home at pre-school. Then she has lessons. Why? What is the point of giving a four-year-old dance lessons or any kind of lessons? Unless she is showing a marked talent for some performing art, school age is plenty of time to develop proficiency. The recommended age for starting ballet is seven. That's when those Russian and other European companies start their students.

In traditional societies and indeed, in America until just a generation ago, it was unheard of to sign four-year-olds up for lessons. What four-year-olds need is a lot of unstructured time to explore the world on their own terms and a lot of time with their parents.

Anything else is the parents succumbing to yuppie bragging pressure.

[NewJeffCT]

38. I'm 40 years old

And, I remember both myself and my brother being in plays and the like when we were in "nursery" school at that age.

I can still even remember a song we sang at the time about how we loved our mommy that went "love the way you look, love the way you cook" (I can't imagine a song like that flying these days.)

The computer class and the dance class are both part of the school day, as is the art class. We only signed her up for 4 weeks of the art class because she had asked for the class at least half a dozen times. They had even had Spanish class every Monday before, but the teacher left the school.

The only class that is not part of her school day is the Chinese language class, which is on Sundays in Hartford.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

49. Sorry-- didn't realize that the lessons were part of preschool

:-)

[NewJeffCT]

35. Probably a good idea

I may try to contact one.

[Shakespeare]

32. The boys held her down and put something her ear--SHE'S BEEN ASSAULTED.

Geez, no wonder she's withdrawn and clingy. :cry:

I'd be raising every kind of hell I could with that teacher and with the school. She's only FOUR--of course she's not going to be able to clearly articulate everything that's going on--that's why it's so important to have a meeting with the teacher NOW.

[NewJeffCT]

34. she wasn't held down

she stood there & let them do it.

[Shakespeare]

37. That's still a form of assault. n/t

[Katina]

50. I don't think she "let them do it."

If they are bullying her, she had no choice, so "let" is an erroneous concept in this case.
Clearly, your daughter is being traumatized by these boys. The teacher sounds like a "boys will be boys" type and that is unacceptable.
My daughter had a similar experience in kindergarten. When she finally was able to tell me what was happening (a boy was exposing himself to her repeatedly) I immediately informed her teacher, who immediately informed the principal, who immediately called the boy's parents. I even felt sorry for the boy because he had been egged on by older boys to behave the way he was. Bottom line however, is that he terrified my daughter and he was stopped. My daughter had no more fears after that because she knew her parents, teacher and principal would take care of her and not let something like that happen again.
The response of your daugheter's teacher is inadequate. You should contact the headmaster/headmistress of the preschool. They should be handling this by contacting the boys parents immediately. Watching is an inadequate response.
Good luck.

[Bread and Circus]

39. I may be stepping way over a line here

but why doesn't your wife spend much time with you daughter? Your daughter may benefit greatly from some mother/daughter bonding in addition to your strong bond.

[NewJeffCT]

40. my wife works a lot of hours during the week

And, in her culture, it is traditionally the grandparents that raise the child, not the parents. And, also that the man does a lot of the housework.

My wife does do a pretty good job with our daughter on weekends.

[Fleshdancer]

42. My daughter went through a phase like that when she was four also

For my daughter, the problem was the class bully. It took her a while to finally open up to us about it, but this one boy in her class scared her and bullied her and she hated going to pre-school (which she loved prior to this problem).

Once we found out what was going on, my husband and I acted quickly and we didn't accept the "kids will be kids" bs. Basically we told the preschool that if they didn't take the steps necessary to stop this behavior (as in, the school needs to have a meeting with the parents of this bully ASAP) then we would notify his parents on our own AND we would be pulling Abby from the school AND we would be filing an official complaint. While we don't expect special treatment for our kid, we will not tolerate her feeling afraid to come to school. That is not the way to begin your educational journey.

As it turned out, the parents of the bully was mortified over the behavior of their son and from that point on, the boy stopped. Over time, he and Abby actually became friends and she was back to her old gregarious self again.

[NewJeffCT]

44. I could talk to one of the boy's parents

I know who the two "culprits" are, and I know the mom of one of the boys because he was the only boy that came to our daughter's birthday party (several others were invited, but two did not RSVP, one was sick and another just never showed)

[Fleshdancer]

47. I would pressure the school to do it officially first

Two reasons for this:

1. Your daughter is dealing with more than just one bully. If the school can reach the parents of all of them, then the identity of your daughter remains anonymous (to the other parents) and there's a greater chance for change rather than just reaching one kid personally.

2. Ultimately your daughter needs to feel safe at school. If she can't see that her teacher and her school is doing this, then you might not see much change in her confidence levels. In Abby's case, she knew Mommy and Daddy were meeting with both her teacher and her Principal. After the meeting, she knew the school was going to talk to the parents of the bully and after that happened, she saw the results and life got easier for her.