Those little etiquette quandaries....

[Missy Vixen]

Mr. JulieRB just called. He's in a mood.

His cousin is getting married the first weekend of next month. This is the first we've heard. Her mother (his aunt,) just "hasn't had time" to send out the invitations, but she made sure to tell us where the registry is. It seems she never meant to invite the family members -- after all, they wanted to keep this "small". Did I mention the wedding is five hours away, in a vacation venue that the only available hotel rooms at this point start at $375 a night?

We are invited to a young friend's birthday party on Saturday. His parents have been inviting us to their kids' birthday parties for the past ten years. Every time we get an invite, we go through the same thing -- Mom insists we do not bring a gift. I don't know about you, but I don't like showing up empty-handed for a six-year-old's birthday party. They don't understand why we haven't brought them a gift. It makes us look poor, we feel badly that we're not bringing something wonderful to the birthday boy or girl, and the one time we complied with her insane request, we were the only ones stupid enough to do so.

We've tried talking to both parents about this to no avail. I have a feeling that this will finally be the year we tell them we can't be there if we're not allowed to bring a gift.

What would you do?
Julie

[Redstone]

1. 1) Screw the greedy cousin's wedding; jut ignore it. 2) Bring a gift to the party without comment.

Just my opinions.

Redstone

[Missy Vixen]

3. They are fine opinions, too

I know that all husbands hate to hear the words "I told you so," but I just about bit my tongue bloody when he first came home and told me the cousin was getting married, the aunt was inviting family via e-mail, and she was getting married in three weeks.

The present thing? We already have something for him. If his parents don't like it, they can donate the items to charity.

Thank you so much for your thoughts ;-).

Julie

[Redstone]

5. Ya welcome. Always happy to help.

Redstone

[hedgehog]

2. Hey - the only question is whether you like the cousin or not.

I couldn't afford to go to a niece's wedding, but we sent a niece gift anyways. the gift is an expression of your best wishes, not a payment for the food and drink at the reception!

My problem - how to let people we know won't be able to attend our daughter's wedding know she is getting married without making them feel obligated to send a gift. The same applies when a kid graduates. You'd like to share the news, but you don't want to make people feel obliged.

[Missy Vixen]

4. You are a truly classy and thoughtful person

We have a bad, bad feeling that this is nothing more than a gift grab. DH saw his cousin at two different family gatherings within the past two months; the wedding was never mentioned at either. He loves his cousin, but I have a feeling that Auntie hasn't heard the end of this.

>You'd like to share the news, but you don't want to make people feel obliged.<

I'm sure people will be thrilled to share in your daughter's joy, and here's to many happy years of marriage for her and her intended!

:toast:
Julie

[hedgehog]

7. Maybe the wedding is being rushed for some reason.

Back in the day, it was to ensure the bride could still fit into her gown. These days, it may be the bride and groom's effort to keep from producing a wedding spectacular or it may be because a job offer came through or (heaven forfend) someone has gotten notice they're shipping out or a family memeber isn't going to be around in six months.

[Missy Vixen]

8. The situation here

is that the bride's family did not want to invite the rest of their family; they must have gotten a lot of "no's" on the RSVP's, and they've already paid for the catering.

I realize that makes me cynical. I can't imagine any other reason why they would risk pissing off 20 other family members. If it was a hurried situation, everyone would understand, but this is just plain "not our kind, dear".

Julie

p.s. Did I mention that the bride's father is a Republican to the tenth power? He interviewed for a position at my husband's former employer a few years back. He knew Mr. JulieRB worked there; they'd discussed it prior to his interview. He didn't even bother to say hello.

One's uncle, who perhaps sees you once or twice a year and at the holidays, is too busy to say "hello"? I'm sorry, but that's cold.

[Gormy Cuss]

6. The best way is an informal, handwritten card to those people.

If you send a formal engraved announcement card some will interpret that as a plea for gifts (pretty gauche but some people really think that an announcement card SHOULD provoke gift giving.)
A simple handwritten note to people letting them know about the wedding or graduation as part of the set of recent events in your family will convey the info without looking like a money grubbing effort. A phone call with the same tone would do it too.

[Missy Vixen]

9. I think you're right. I also think it depends on the people involved.

We pretty routinely send a gift or a check to someone we know who's having an event. One of our friends is having a retirement party this Saturday as well; we're making him a funny card and telling him we want to take him out for a beer. Of course, a modest Harley-Davidson gift card may be making its way into the envelope as well.

Let's face it: The vast majority of people we know? We'll bend over backwards to send a gift with our warmest wishes and be thrilled for them. This situation just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If it wasn't a family member, I think it would be easier for both of us to let go of it.

Julie

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. Send the announcements after the fact

"Announcing that Little Miss Pomforoy married Boston Leavingsworth XII on Svenblat 7, 2007. Their new home address is . . . "

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. I'm a little lost... but I'll do the best I can.

Seems you have two issues here, so here we go:

1. Here's what I took from your first situation, correct me if I've confused any of your pronouns: Your husband's cousin (HC) is a female. HC's mother didn't send out HC's wedding invitations on time. HC's mother still managed to find the time to tell you where HC is registered. Mother never intended to invite the family anyway (or did you mean to say that HC never intended this?). HC is having a wedding five hours away in an expensive location.

My response: assuming I have parsed the above correctly, then I say: If HC can't be bothered to send her own invitations, then fuck her. If HC is so classless as to tell non-invited people where she's registered, then fuck her. It's bad enough to be registered; and worse to tell people about it without their asking; it's super duper worse to tell people that aren't invited. It's also tacky to invite people at the last minute. I imagine they probably reserved a big chunk of rooms or had to guarantee a certain size group for dinner, and their first round of invitations had too many declines, so they're desperately rounding people up.

2. You have a friend, a small boy child, who invited you to his birthday party. His mother doesn't like people to bring gifts for her children's birthday parties. You have never brought a gift. "They" - here, I assume you mean the children, but I can't be sure - don't understand why they never receive a gift from you. You don't like not bringing a gift because you feel it makes you look poor, and because it makes you feel bad. However, you then say that you only complied with mother's request once - and you've been going to parties for ten years. I'm not sure where the "don't understand why we don't bring them anything" comes from.

I also don't understand why this is an issue for you. Clearly, if you have been doing this for ten years, and have always, except once, brought a gift; and clearly the other guests have all bought gifts (because you say they have); then mother clearly has no problem with people bringing gifts.

So tell HC to go fuck herself and take a slow sit on a sharp pole, and take a gift to your young boy child friend's birthday party and have a good time!