So here is the rest of my story.

[Dervill Crow]

This is the beginning, which garnered no sympathy whatsoever. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=6506529&mesg_id=6507129

So I stayed up until 5 a.m., eventually deciding that I would just stay awake until 6 when I could call my office to take the day off. Immediately upon making that decision, I fell asleep. Son #2 woke me up at 7:15. I called in. Husband came home and I apologized. He said it was all his fault, and he apologized.

Guess my sleepless night worrying about the demise of my marriage makes me a drama queen. Who knew?

:eyes:

[emmajane67]

1. ...

:pals:

[Dervill Crow]

4. Thanks.

:pals:

[Gormy Cuss]

2. I missed the first thread, but now that you pointed it out, the part that leaps out at me is this:

"I hate Mother's Day. My mom died 20 years and 3 weeks ago, and her birthday was May 7, so it's not a great time of year for me."

On that note, I have great sympathy. My mother died more recently but May was her birth month too and this year would have been a big celebration honoring a milestone birthday. I know that I'm about one criticism away from starting a major fight with my SO just because thinking about her is an undercurrent every day until this damn month is over.

:hug:

[Dervill Crow]

3. ...

:hug:

It sucks, doesn't it?

[DS1]

5. Your husband sounds abusive

to put it mildly

[Dervill Crow]

8. He does, doesn't he?

I wonder if I made it clear that he was inside the room punching the door, and I was outside. The only thing he abused was the door and his hand, although he did scare the bejeezus outta me.

[DS1]

11. It was more about him putting you at fault regarding his injured hand.

I'm no expert, but that's supposedly what guys say after they beat their wives.

[Dervill Crow]

13. I know . . . that part really bothered me, too.

My dad was physically and emotionally abusive toward my mom, and I would be out of here in a minute if I thought there was a chance of it escalating. I think he might have just been being stupid because he was so out of control. He does a good job of keeping his emotions in check. Maybe too good a job; something was really unleashed there.

I was really nervous about how it would go when he got home from work this morning. We actually talked today. Perhaps it's a good idea to break a door down every 33 years or so to clear the air.

[SarahB]

21. You need to do some work to figure out why

you tolerate this behavior.

Everyone fights in a marriage, but this beyond a fight. Let me guess. You're usually the one who has to apologize at the end?

[Dervill Crow]

22. We really don't fight. We bicker recreationally, but we never get angry at the same time.

We do have disagreements, but I can only think of twice before that we have actually fought. This time we both apologized because we were both in the wrong. I don't know that either of us really apologizes often. Usually we just agree to disagree, and it's probably odd that we don't fight incessantly.

Maybe the secret is that we haven't had time to fight what with having four kids. He came from a family with six kids, and his parents never fought. My parents had only me and my brother, who was 12 years older, and they fought all the time.

[zappa_parappa]

6. That sounds like one marriage i wouldn't worry about the demise of

I'd wish for it...who the hell breaks doors these days? hes nuts, dump him.

[Dervill Crow]

9. I've thought about it a time or two over the years.

The good thing is that we rarely get mad at the same time. That's the secret to a long and happy marriage.

[pdx_prog]

7. It sounds a little like you set the day up to be a failure.

If you expect it is going to be a bad day, it will without a doubt be a bad day. It sounds like one of them days where the tension starts building as soon as you get up and then by late afternoon things just blow up.

We hava all been there. If you have been married that long and only had a few fights like that you are doing wonderful!

[Dervill Crow]

12. Yup, you are probably right.

I heard a family story of how after his little brother bought candy with money stolen from his coin collection, he did the same thing, except he actually punched his brother in the face through the door. Little brother was standing on the other side laughing. And eyewitness accounts report that the punch he landed was an accident. I heard the story years ago, but seeing it was quite dramatic.

He's a good guy. We just got on each other's last nerves on the same day. I'm sure we will both make a good deal of effort to not do that again.

[nini]

10. I'll say it... why are you allowing life to be like that?

From your tone it appears this isn't the first time he has gone off like that.

Do you really have to put up with his abuse? He sounds like a controlling and prone-to-violence asshole.


You calling yourself a drama queen is putting the blame on yourself when he is surely the abuser here.

Get some counseling and make him do it to. If things don't change do yourself a favor and move on. Life is to short to put up with that kind of crap. it's easier to be on your own.

good luck

[Dervill Crow]

14. He's controlling about little things.

Honestly, I do pretty much whatever I want.

Your question is valid. No, I don't have to put up with his abuse, and I spent a great deal of last night formulating a plan on how to extricate myself from this marriage. The thing is, unless you count using a Jay-Leno-like tone of voice as abuse, he's not abusive. And one of the most important lessons I've tried to teach my kids is that everyone is an asshole every once in a while, and if you love them you forgive them.

I do agree with you that some counseling is in order because he really needs to be a little more open to criticism.

on edit: He's sanctimonious and irritating, but you only heard one side of it. He also loves kids and dogs and cats and is excited about becoming a grandpa next month. He does the grocery shopping and reads the back of the bestsellers and picks out books that he thinks I'd like. He does the cooking, although that's because he is a carnivore and I am not, and so that shouldn't count as a virtue. He has actually learned to talk like a pirate and has worn a fluffy shirt just to make me happy. He would be a really hard guy not to love.

[Nikia]

15. He became enraged because your purse was on the floor?

Sometimes my husband becomes a little irritated when I leave stuff places at home, but he usually just moves it himself if it bothers him and maybe says something if I then cannot find it. If he started being abusive to our stuff everytime that happened, my life would be hell.

[Dervill Crow]

20. No, not exactly.

He was being persnickety. I was the one who actually started the rage portion of the argument. He repeated several times, "You need to put your purse away blah blah blah," and I got angry when he wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I was not the one who left my purse on the floor. He got angry because I wouldn't just thank him for putting it away and shut up. I was arguing about one thing, and he was arguing about another.

It just occurred to me that if he had grown up in the South intead of in Pennsylvania, this argument would have been avoided. He more than likely would have just said, "Y'all need to put your pocketbook away blah blah blah," and that would have been fine. Truth is, I always put my purse away, because if I put it elsewhere I can't remember where the stupid thing is.

[TOhioLiberal]

16. Blue...

I'm sorry that I didn't respond. :hug:

[Dervill Crow]

19. Not to worry.

:pals:

Thank you for giving me a place to post that. By the time I re-read what I had written and hopefully edited out all the proper names, I had gone through the full spectrum of emotions and felt much better.

[LibraLiz1973]

17. So... here is my 2 cents. Do with it what you will.

You mention in a later post that you spent the night figuring out how to extricate yourself from your marriage.
I have to ask.. over a door? Sure, things got nuts- but according to you this was the first time.
I'd have been more pissed than scared. So- since you were making plans I HAVE TO ASK- is this REALLY the first time?
Do you think you need to leave?

At the very least you need to talk to him and ask him what set him off. And tell him how you feel.
If he really isn't physical there is nothing to be scared of. Speak your mind. And tell him you WILL NOT be putting
up with that shit.

Are the kids still living with you, or have they all moved out?

[Dervill Crow]

18. Nope, I don't need to leave. And I don't want to leave.

And I don't want him to leave. But if he wanted to, then he should. And if he honestly believed that I was the one who "made" him do anything, I would leave, because ultimately we are all responsible for our own behavior.

We have four kids. The girls are both settled into their own lives and are both pregnant (yay!) with a boy and girl due in June and August, respectively. Both boys are still living at home, one 21 years old and employed and the other a junior in high school. With the baby 17, he is pretty well grown. We've been parents for 29 years, and this business of being the parents of adults is still pretty kind of earth-shaking. It's only realistic to make sure that we have a good reason to be married to each other, since we've never known anything else. That's what is scary, to think that we've stayed married because we've been too busy to do otherwise.

I thought he left the house early because he was mad. He actually left the house because he couldn't sleep, so he just went to work and slept in the truck. My older son and I were in the front room watching a movie and didn't even see him leave. I can't really blame him for not wanting to stop and chat.

What set him off was me. I chose a really inopportune time to tell him I wasn't having any of his criticism, since he was on his way to bed so he could get up in a couple of hours to go to a job that he hates. And that might be something that could be changed. He's worked the night shift for years, and it was cool because there was always at least one of us available for the kids.

What happened last night was no more than the two of us having a huge pissing contest with the door losing. And we both apologized this morning, pretty much simultaneously, much like a screenwriter would have it. Everything you said and asked is spot on. At the time it seemed huge. This door, albeit a cheap hollow core door, bowing like something out of The Haunting--the original, the scary one--gave the effect of time standing still, but in reality the whole argument and demise of the door probably spanned less than the time it took me to type the play-by-play.

Sorry this is so long and probably really badly written. You made me think.