See this card?

[BikeWriter]

A cocky Department of Homeland Security Agent stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible security violation."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Department of Homeland Security Agent said, "I have the authority of the Department of Homeland Security to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish in this country." So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Security Agent running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and was gaining on the agent at every step.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

[BikeWriter]

1. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the HELL is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

[marzipanni]

2. So, do you often look up farmer jokes at 2-3:00 am?

Well, they gave me a good chuckle before I hit the sack. Thanks!
I'll be able to tell my husband the bull one if he wakes up during the night, but I'll have to show him the the back-burner driver one in the morning, I'm too tired to recite it right.

[BikeWriter]

3. Thanks, here's another you may want to use...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy lingerie.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing.