My head just officially EXPLODED!!!

[IdaBriggs]

I was going to post asking for advice about "thank you notes" -- the twins are 12-1/2 weeks old, and we just got the "corrected" birth announcements late last week. (The first printing had a major error -- my daughter's weight! -- but it wasn't caught by us until almost too late!)

Anyway, the baby shower was never held because the babies arrived the day before, and I was in the hospital/on drugs at the time. Then I told my sisters I didn't want to even think about a shower until after they got out of the NICU, and then they did it one at a time, and there was this whole "feed babies every three hours thing" going on, with no sleep, etc. and to make a long story short, it doesn't look like its ever going to happen, and the gifts have been trickling in anyway, so whatever. Even though part of me had been looking forward to it during the EIGHT YEARS of infertility stuff we went through, another part of me just wanted to avoid the whole thing because of the "angst" associated with the situation with my mother-in-law's side of the family. (They weren't being invited because my husband hasn't been on speaking terms with his mother for eight years; we think she has an undiagnosed personality disorder...she's psycho!)

We are still working on painting the nursery, but I've been keeping track of the gifts, and I convinced myself that it was going to be okay to include the "thank you notes" in with the birth announcements along with "wallet pictures" of the babies.

My question was going to be "is it going to be okay if they are typed / printed in a nice font because my handwriting looks like crap, and if I have to handwrite them, I'm not EVER going to do it, even without the excuse of preemie newborn twins and no sleep?"

I was hoping you folks would say soothing things like "Twins AND Thank You Notes? Getting thank you notes done at all is going to be a miracle, and folks will understand if they aren't hand written!" but I also expected some of you to chastise me about it.

So, I'm making sure I have all of the addresses for the labels for the birth announcement/thank you notes all together when I SEE A NAME.

A NAME OF A PERSON WHO I SPECIFICALLY HAD TOLD MY MOTHER I DIDN'T WANT INVITED. REPEATEDLY.

Who was on the list of people my mother wanted invited that I had forwarded on to the sister doing the invitations without even looking at, because it hadn't even occurred to me that my mother would put *HER* on the list after our MULTIPLE discussions about it.

Of course she had received an invitation. Only I didn't know it.

I'm ready to strangle my mother. This happened in January, but I just found out about it, and this, along with a whole bunch of other things that she's been doing, has my head OFFICIALLY exploding. It feels like "the last straw" and I'm hitting DONE NOW.

"Done now" didn't happen when she tried to pick a fight with me while I was in the hospital admitting area over my inviting "ex nieces" and their mother to the shower (Tuesday before the babies were born).

"Done now" didn't happen when she DID pick a fight with me while I was *IN THE HOSPITAL* over her boyfriend (the jerk who likes my breasts, and kept commenting about it).

"Done now" didn't happen when she acted like a complete ASS when we were trying to decide what day the babies were going to come into the world: "Are you so afraid of being a mother that you're willing to kill your unborn children?" (used because we delayed the recommended C-Section by one day)

"Done now" didn't happen when she brought the boyfriend into my driveway because she "forgot" that I'd told her back in December that I didn't want him knowing where I lived. ("But I didn't bring him INTO the house!")

"Done now" didn't happen during the HOURS of discussions we've had about the boyfriend who we aren't supposed to be talking about. (We made the agreement at her counselor's office, btu for some reason, she keeps bringing him up: "He feels really bad about what he said, and he would love to meet the babies!")

No, I've hit "DONE NOW" over something that happened back in JANUARY. Just a small, insignificant HUMILIATION where someone I didn't want invited to a special event that was going to have ME as the "Guest of Honor" was invited anyway. The event didn't even happen, but damn! My mother STILL managed to ruin it for me.

I'm a pretty forgiving sort of person; it takes A LOT of work for me to "hold a grudge" and I have forgiven "unforgivable" crimes in the past. I'm sure I'll get over this, too, but for now, my mother needs to STAY AWAY FROM ME. I'm tired, I'm cranky, and the fact that I can't trust her to watch out for me when I'm vulnerable is REALLY getting to me.

I'm so MAD at her, my head literally exploded. I said some Not Nice Things, and we mutually hung up on each other.

:(

[lildreamer316]

1. Breathe, Ida.

I am so sorry. You certainly do not need that stress right now.
Please, cut her out of your existance. If things get healed later, great. That's bullshit right now and you sure as hell don't need it. Don't waste an ounce of energy more on it; and if anyone else gives you crap about it; tell them that firmly.

Printed invites would be great.

Love ya. Kisses to the babies:hug:

[zappa_parappa]

2. Chill out, sounds like you're overreacting to me

And who cares how people get thank you cards. They're just thank you cards. If someones going to throw a fit cuz you typed them, or cuz you sent them out with another mailing, fuck em. sounds like its their problem, not yours.

[BlueIris]

12. Well, new mothers of twins tend to 'overreact' sometimes.

Particularly when they're the subject of clueless, patronizing insults on the web.

[lildreamer316]

16. Very, very true. n/t

[zappa_parappa]

17. awww, sorry, the truth hurts sometime, no need to get snippy

you need to chill too.

[BarenakedLady]

3. Wow!

:hug:

You have every right to feel the way you do.

[philosophie_en_rose]

4. Awww....

:pals:

First, I think it would be fine for you to send printed notes. It might be nice to hand-write a small message at the bottom too, but I'm sure anything is fine. If people can't understand that you have very new babies to look after and are recovering from childbirth (and crazy mom), then they're not worth trying to please.

Second, your mom was out of line. I hope you can work it out, but she's been repeatedly disrespectful to you. And it sounds like these people (boyfriend and "her") are worse than merely annoying or unpleasant. If your mom knew how you felt, she should have respected it. It seems that there is a lot of history behind your feelings towards the invitation list, and I hope you don't feel that tolerating other things means you can't be mad about the list.

You're under so much stress. Maybe taking a break from your mom would be helpful. Please take care of yourself.

[Deep13]

5. I know just what you mean.

Do what you need to do for your own sanity. Sounds like your mother has a hard time respecting your boundries. When you are ready, you might want to make it very clear what those boundries are.

[Karenina]

6. Dearest Ida, If you can print the envelopes

using your computer by hitting a button, DO IT. Delete the name of the unwanted guest. Put your mom on ignore too. NO GUILT. I got your back. :hug::hug::hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

7. I'm sorry that you don't have a supportive mother right now.

All I can offer there is :hug:

On the thank you notes, please don't print a generic thank you note and think that's good enough. That's the thoughtful equivalent of "whatever." If you find it easier to type on your PC, then compose a generic text and then cut and past the text to include specifics for the actual gifts, print the note, and sign it. That would accomplish the goal of personalizing it.
I think enclosing the photo, announcement, and thank you all in the same envelope is fine.

someone else's opinion on thank you etiquette here:
http://entertaining.about.com/cs/etiquette/a/thankyou.htm

[LibertyLover]

8. Definitely print out the thank you notes and don't even spend

another minute thinking about it. Good grief - twins AND thank you notes. I've only got one four year old and I'm damned impressed. As for the other, or should I say, mother, problem, all I can say is I am truly sorry and I so understand. Mine was a pip too. You have every reason to feel as you do. The stresses you are under at the present time make it even more reprehensible that she would treat you as she is. Take your time reconnecting with her and do it on your terms. Good luck.

[Maddy McCall]

9. First, you need to take all of the emotional junk out of the equation.

What exactly is your question?

Is it about the gifts that people took the time to shop for, then paid for, then delivered? Is the question, "Is it ok to send mass-produced computer-printed thank-yous?"

The answer to that is simple. No.

It is irrelevant what your handwriting looks like. As far as the answer to your question, all the rest is irrelevant, too.

The answer is that you should take a few seconds to handwrite a thank you to each person who sent you a gift.

I received a computer-generated thank-you from a graduate who's busy, graduation from nursing school and starting a new job on the same weekend she graduated. I would have much rather had a brief, "Thanks for the thing!" note than one that was printed off a computer and sent to everyone on her list. It's just an etiquette no-no to send pre-printed thank-yous. We all are busy and stressed out when we're going through engagements, marriages, birthin' babies, and any of the other milestones in life for which the showering of gifts occurs.

You don't have to send all of the thank-yous out now. You can send out two a day until you get them all done. I agree with the DUer above who said that pre-printed thank-yous are the equivalent of a "whatever," no matter what the situation of the sender.

Sorry you're going through all of the other stuff. But that doesn't change a basic rule of etiquette that you spend a little time writing a thank-you when people spend time and money on a gift for you and your babies.

[skygazer]

10. Take a deep breath

You've got way too much on your plate and the reason you're done now over something that happened in January connected to an event that didn't even happen is because it's just the straw that broke the good ol' camel's back. Things build up, then comes the explosion.

I'm sorry your mom is being so absurd at this time when she should be helpful and supportive. I don't understand people's behavior. I hope you can just keep some distance until things are calmer in your life. :hug:


As for the notes, it sounds like you mean individually typed, personalized notes and I see nothing wrong with that. I would also suggest your husband help with them - they're his babies, too and he can't be any busier than you are.

Good luck to you.

[IdaBriggs]

11. Yes, I did mean individually typed personalized notes.

Maddy is right when she says "form notes" aren't right, and I recognize that. I just don't do handwriting....guilt....guilt...

And you are right about "the straw" -- I love my mother, but ARGH!!!

Breathing is good!

And thank you for seeing to the heart of the matter so clearly! :)

[ThomCat]

13. It sounds like she's used to getting away with being inconsiderate.

:(

I'm very sorry that you have to deal with that kind of repeated rudeness. :hug:

[BlueIris]

14. I think you should do whatever leaves you with the least stress from now on.

It's not like you had a stress-free pregnancy or delivery or first-three-months-with-newborn-twins or anything. People will continue to live if they don't receive special, individual, hand-written thank you notes. But one person, namely you, won't continue to live if her head explodes. Also, if it were me--I might consider "mass e-mail" thank you notes an option (seriously). Good Lord, woman. Give yourself a break. ;-)

ETA: I meant "least" stress! Least stress, Ida! I haven't had coffee yet, sorry.

[Rabrrrrrr]

15. I gotta go with those who say no printed thank yous.

Granted you've been through a lot - but on the other hand, how do you know how much the gift givers went through?

They went shopping, searched for the right gift, bought it, delivered it to you...they deserve a handwritten thank you.

Handwriting is not an excuse, busy-ness is not an excuse. There is never an excuse to shortchange on etiquette. All they need say is "Dear Jill - thank you for the beautiful onesie! Ida and hubby".

It's also your hubby's job to help write them.

As to the crap your mother pulled - egads! You have my full support. :hugs: Her behavior is utterly inappropriate.