How do you deal with a passive-aggressive spouse?

[Fuzz]

:shrug:

I've about had it.

[idgiehkt]

1. go off the deep end

oh, you meant successfully...

[Fuzz]

2. I'm past the deep end here

I've left the pool and the sun has dried me off already! ;)

[idgiehkt]

6. I think counseling is the only way

they are going to have to learn to vocalize what they are using the passive agressiveness to say. If they can't do that, it might be the end. It just sucks the life out of you...I wasn't married but I had a couple SO's that fit that description. What a nightmare.

[BarenakedLady]

3. Screw with their head?

I guess it all depends on your desired results.

;)

[Fuzz]

4. Sanity and peace

are the desired results.

[Deja Q]

8. Well, that still doesn't disqualify "screw with their head"...

:yoiks:

[BarenakedLady]

9. Yeah

I wouldn't take my advice then. I'm not having much luck my way anyhow.

[JVS]

5. find a mistress

[Fuzz]

11. Oh my god have I thought about it.

[LeftyMom]

7. Through a lawyer.

It took two decades for family and circumstances to train that behavior into somebody, and you can put yourself through hell trying to train it back out but you won't have any luck.

[Fuzz]

10. Not what I wanted to hear

:(

[LeftyMom]

12. Nobody does.

Sadly, that's experience talking, though I also had serial cheater, pathological liar and abusive in the mix.

[mike_c]

38. second that....

You can try counseling, but only if you are committed to the DAMNED long time it will take even to find out if any improvement is ever going to happen.

[RetroLounge]

13. Divorce...

:shrug:

RL

[AlCzervik]

14. counseling or a lawyer.

[Drum]

15. Hmmm...ask my ex....nt

[Karenina]

43. Or mine.

I have NEVER, in my nearly 6 decades, EVER seen that behaviour pattern change substantially.

[Inchworm]

16. Address her?

Open and Honest. Seems easy, but after that the rest pans out usually. For the good or for the bad who knows, but it pans out.

:shrug:

[Fuzz]

18. Been there and done that.

Over and over. I bring things up as they happen occasionally, but mostly let things build up. Then just explode and then I withdraw, big time. We discuss the same stuff that we have disussed countless times, things are ok for a while, then back to normal shortly after that.

Thing is she starts to cry and all of a sudden everything I've brought up as a serious issue is supposed to have been forgotten and I'm the bad person for causing a fight. There is no getting through, and this has been going on for 13 years. We've all got our own shit, and I'm no saint, but damn. :(

[Inchworm]

22. 13 years is quite an investment of time

I'm no pro or anything, but I guess the question boils down to whether you want "sanity and peace" with or without her. Counseling works for many. Its not worth a crap if y'all don't want to remain together though.

:shrug:

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

17. Put them in a round room

and tell them to pee in the corner!

:grr:

you tell me, I dunno.


:shrug:

passive aggressive sucks

:hi:

[Fuzz]

19. If I could build a round room

all the projects in my house would be done, and my house would freakin' rock!!! :D

[SPKrazy]

20. Yeah, well

that would be cool

I'm having similar problems and have had for years

others have given good advice: counseling, lawyers, confrontation, all have their place, it just depends on how seriously it is affecting you and how much you are willing to deal with it directly.

:pals: good luck!

[dolo amber]

21. Poison's pretty effective

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

25. Oh my!

:yoiks:

[BikeWriter]

23. Which one? I've had three.

[Fuzz]

24. Wow. Nice track record

:(

[BikeWriter]

29. I finally quit, and life has been less painful.

[wildhorses]

26. kick it to the curb --- oh, wait a minute. i suppose you wanted a

politically correct response....hmmm....got nothin'

[LSK]

27. this is the rest of your life here

You say you have been through this over and over again. Either get some professional help, put up with it forever or get a divorce.

You cant just keep trying the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. That is the definition of insanity.

Sorry, those are your choices as I see it.

[necso]

28. Imo, the question is whether the root

of the problem is something that can be changed (habit, course, circumstance) or something that can't be changed (character).

If it's the latter, then it's probably hopeless.

Then the question becomes: do you need someone to help ease your transition.

Now, that's pretty harsh, but some folks need (could very much use) help in doing what they have to do. And it can be very invigorating to be with someone who treats you like someone they really want to be with; really care for; really respect.

Personally, I've both needed help (but didn't avail myself of it) -- and done it on my own.

[NashVegas]

30. If You Aren't Already ...

Let them have their own emotions.

If your spouse is pissed/upset at you about something, let her be pissed. Let her express it, even if it's the stupidest thing. Encourage her to, no matter how much you may not want to hear it. Her being upset doesn't mean either one of you are assholes. That's something she's got to learn.

You say you want sanity and peace. Peace doesn't come unless you deal with conflicts and allow them to take their emotional toll, in my experience.

[riderinthestorm]

31. Throw things. Threaten to leave numerous times.

Have major temper tantrums. And finally... go see a lawyer.

You. Do. Not. Have. To. Live. Your. Life. Like. This.

Seriously, you don't have to suffer their fucking mind-manipulations one more second - IF!! you are serious about dealing with your passive-aggressive spouse.

You MUST be willing to draw that line. Yes, THAT line. They cannot walk out of another discussion (or in their words "I'm not going to have this argument when YOU are so irrational!"), or they cannot blame YOU for all the ills of the relationship, or they absolutely cannot refuse to speak to you for weeks on end....

Whatevah the manifestation of their P/A ills, you MUST be willing to draw that line. To say that today, no more. If they won't stop whatever childish behavior it is that they are exhibiting, you are outta there.

Can you do this? Otherwise you face more abuse. Shut up or put up. Shit or get off the pot.

I am so sorry for you. This totally sucks!! :hug:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

33. Go see the lawyer FIRST. And keep notes on EVERYTHING.

And yes I am a lawyer.

See the lawyer first and get your ducks in a row, as it were.

[TrogL]

32. notes?

http://passiveaggressivenotes.wordpress.com/

Fight fire with fire.

Yes, I'm kidding.

[NMDemDist2]

34. name it. call them on the behavior. and stop buying into the game

easy to say, hard to do.

good luck :hi:

[Fleshdancer]

45. I second this advice n/t

[Ellen Forradalom]

35. Separation

That's what I'm doing. I'm also at my wit's end.

[BlueIris]

36. Well, *I'd* deal with it by hooking myself up with a divorce lawyer.

Some would prefer to waste their time in therapy for a while, though.

Seriously--passhole-aggresshole behavior shouldn't exist in a mature relationship. It's an indication of extraordinarily unhealthy mind, not to mention someone who simply isn't interesting in or capable of relating appropriately to adults.

[Ellen Forradalom]

37. Passive aggression is crazymaking

It's contagious. In the presence of PA people I find myself behaving that way. Away from the PA spouse I am much more relaxed and handle things straightforwardly.

Recently, after I spent a week at my new apartment, my husband, ignoring all warning and evidence, left the dog by himself, who then tore the couch apart. Subtext: "See what happens when you abandon me? All hell breaks loose! Come home where you belong!" I did return for a few days, but to assert my authority. "When you live in your own place, you can live as you wish, but until then I'm in charge."

I usually responded to his P/A by making the consequences so unpleasant he would not consider that option again for a while. Maybe not the healthiest or most politically correct way, but I'm not going to bury my nose in a stack of self-help books or spend years in therapy to learn to adapt to his problem.

[jgraz]

39. I've never heard of a PA getting past it

God knows I've tried. It's an impossible situation, and when you finally leave you'll kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

[colinmom71]

40. Found this on-going thread on the subject...

Marriagebuilders.com has a message board with an on-going thread on passive-aggressive spouses here - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB31&Number=619100&page=0&fpart=1

The consensus seems to be that it's a difficult dynamic to overcome in order for a thriving healthy marriage to occur. Some have had moderate successes with individal counselling in conjunction with marriage counselling. But most passive-aggressives simply never see themselves as being wrong but rather always as the victim, which often lends them to dysfunctional relationships.

While the main issues at MB.com deal with marital infidelity, I mention this thread because there's a good amount of advice and resources listed throughout that (very long!) thread. I hope you find something there that helps you out, even if only a little... Best of luck and sorry you're dealing with all this...

[Fuzz]

42. Thanks for that

I'll take a look.

And the description "never see themselves as being wrong but rather always as the victim" dead on.

[NuttyFluffers]

41. be a high stakes "P/A" right back, but in a deeply caustic and mocking manner

my favorite is actually state what you are doing and why you are doing it as if you are talking to yourself and the PA person is not listening. this infuriates them. then play the stakes far too high, especially that it leaves the most "accidental" damage to their property. to do this i'd start to put my most valuable belonging hidden beyond their reach.

when they blow up from frustration that's when you nail them saying, "now you know what your passive aggressive behavior feels like. learn to stop behaving that way and the pain will cease. i do not play games with people i love. but when i am forced to play a game i will play to win -- understand that i will try to make you lose and lose painfully. if you do not want this you will stop. this is not up for negotiation." and then offer the olive branch of counseling.

do be prepared with your lawyer in retainer, though.

remember, with all things it is a matter of pressure and time to change/break something. the question is do you have the will/desire of applying pressure/time to change this. i can guarantee you the passive aggressive person is applying this same philosophy on you. if you don't want this, you should have divorced yesterday -- but there's always today!

[unpossibles]

44. are you my wife?

haha... Just kidding. You could try leaving nasty notes all over the house.

Or you could try to just talk about it.