Somebody tell me a good joke

[Skip Intro]

I really need a good joke.

[swag]

1. .

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Skip Intro]

2. ugh

lol

[camero]

3. Another hunter joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them decides to take a leak. While he's taking a leak a snake bites him in the you-know-where. So the other hunter calls 911 and asks for an ambulance and what to do until they get there. The 911 operator says, "Well, first you have to cut a slit and then you have to suck the venom out". He hangs up and the hunter that got bit says, "Well, what did they say?". The other hunter says, "Buddy, they said you were gonna die."

[applegrove]

4. Here is an oldie.

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

[billyskank]

6. Probably apocryphal.

I have heard the same thing, except the lighthouse in this version was British. Doubt it ever happened. :hi:

[applegrove]

9. Me either. But it is cute nevertheless.

[Midlodemocrat]

5. Why parents drink.

POsted by Donheld.

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper. " Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked Yes," whispered the
small voice. May I talk with him?"The child whispered, "No ." Surprised
and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?" Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman? "No, he's busy", whispered the
child. "Busy doing what?" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,"
came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise
in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What
is that noise? "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice. "What is
going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again,
whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
helicopter. Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for? "Still whispering, the young voice replied
with a muffled giggle..."ME."

[Inchworm]

7. Why don't monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?

Edit: I forgot to put answer :)

Because there were too many cheetahs!

:hi:

[billyskank]

8. What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard.









(First joke I ever learned).

[Deja Q]

10. Well, my name is HypnoToad. I am a Taurus, 35, an Aspie, and lonely.

:D

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s_syndrome

[idgiehkt]

11. someone is moving in with someone else

wait...